PAL and fearing a boy

[Uni tsi]

From the moment I got pregnant again, I have been sure it would be a little girl. Originally, I did not care what gender our baby would be. But having been filled with expectations for a little girl, expectations that were cruelly dashed at 35 weeks when they found no heartbeat, from the moment we started trying again I have only wanted a girl.

I saw a friend this weekend who was very excited for me. We haven't told very many people yet, but a few know now. She said "oh I think it's a boy" I told her "no I'm having a girl" but the truth is I'm only 9 weeks along and we don't really know yet. But, it never occurred to me until she said it that we would be having anything besides another girl.

Today, I woke up crying. Sobbing at the mere thought that it might be a boy, because I feel like if I am having a boy, I will not love it. I won't feel any connection at all. I know this isn't rational. I think maybe I got pregnant again too soon. I know I should just be grateful that we get to have a baby at all. I know it hurts my husband's feelings when I tell him how I feel. I don't feel like I can tell anyone how I feel because they think I'm just supposed to love the baby no matter what. But I just want my daughter, whom I can't have. I'm worried I'll feel like a male baby is just some usurper who's stolen her place. This will be our first living child. I'm old enough, it is unlikely we will have a second child.

I'm not sure if I should have the blood test done as soon as possible to reveal the gender in the hopes I have some relief and she is a girl after all, or if I should wait because if it turns out I am having a boy I don't think I'll be able to enjoy a single moment of this pregnancy. Just thinking that it might be a boy I stopped feeling any connection towards the baby or excitement about the pregnancy. I really never understood the concept of gender disappointment, but I get it now. What should I do?

 

[Misscalais]

Very sorry for you loss!
I think once you have your live healthy baby in your arms it won't matter so much if its a boy or girl. No girl or boy will replace or fill the heart ache of the one you lost. They aren't a replacement they are a new person to love and care for.
Gender disappointment really does suck and its hard to get out of that funk when you have your mind set in on2 particular gender. I have 3 boys and was very disappointed with hearing boy for the 3rd time. But hes just as amazing and loved as my other two. It took me most of my pregnancy to come to terms with it and i still longed for a girl after he was born BUT that didn't make me love my son any less.

 

[Uni tsi]

Misscalais, thank you for your reply.

I think once you have your live healthy baby in your arms it won't matter so much if its a boy or girl.

That's what my husband says too, but all I can do right now is cry at the thought of a boy. It's not about replacing anyone, it's just brought up brand new grief to realize I might simply never get to have the experiences I would have with a living daughter. Since I first posted, I realized that if I have a son, it reactivates that original sadness of losing my daughter like it just happened all over again. If I am having a girl as well this time, it doesn't make my loss less sad, it just makes it easier to handle. I don't really know how to explain it. It would just be easier to have another daughter. Still sad, but easier. I'm not sure how to explain it. I just want a living daughter.

I'm worried if it's a son, I'll just have such horrible postpartum depression and be a lousy mother to him If it's a daughter I'll be able to hold myself together better.

Having written it out like that, I guess I need to go and get counseling. I don't think it's probably healthy to be this sad, especially since I don't even know what the gender is yet. I'm just crying about a possibility. Maybe it's hormones. If just the idea of it not being a girl sets me off like this, I'm almost scared to find out what the gender actually is. I've been so sure up to this point that I was definitely having a girl. I should be able to deal with someone I know thinking it might be a boy. Getting this upset is very unreasonable. It makes me worry how I'll cope with actually finding out.

 

[Unexpected212]

I can't pretend to understand how you must feel but I do understand what you are saying. You had those hopes and dreams for a girl and you want them back.

I agree counselling sounds like an awesome idea.

If you can afford the blood test I'd have it, knowing early on in this instance I think could be beneficial as you can work out your feelings in counselling/therapy before baby gets here and have plenty of time to come to terms with it if it's a boy.

That said, I hope you get your girl and I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[LoraLoo]

I think it's absolutely normal to feel this way after losing a child. You were robbed of your daughter- of all of those hopes aNd dreams, and of her future. I felt the same when our daughter died too.
The majority of Mums that have been through a stillbirth, or neonatal death, feel exactly the same.
You will love the baby regardless of the sex, but you are longing for the daughter that was taken from you.
Personally, I think finding out as soon as possible will help, it gives you that extra time to bond with baby whether it's a boy or girl. It'll all work out ok, this little one will full your heart with so much love x

 

[Uni tsi]

Thank you both, I appreciate your kind words and reassurance. I have an appointment tomorrow, I'm going to find out how soon they can do the blood test. Last time, I didn't have to pay for it because it was part of some genetic screening they wanted to do, so maybe it will be covered this time too.

Loraloo, I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for letting me know this is a normal feeling to have in the circumstances I feel like such a horrible mother, but it's good to know that what I'm feeling is a normal reaction.

I did have a talk with the friend who had blurted out she thinks it's a boy. I'm not upset with her, I just think she should know that for a lot of people, for different reasons, gender can be a touchy subject.

I'll try to hold it together at least until I find out for sure. I'll check back here when I find out and let everyone know what I found out. Thanks again for your support. It's greatly appreciated

 

[Uni tsi]

In two days I go for the blood draw that will give me an answer. I'm "high risk" so the ten week tests are free. This week, I made myself a list of names I like. I made a point to add boy names to the list, which helped my emotions. But, all the names I'm really excited about are still for girls.

 

[kerrymom]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, and your sadness right now. I also agree that counseling would be a good idea.

I don't think you are a horrible mother at all. I think you went through an unbearable loss and you are currently still grieving, and making a new baby in the process. I hope that you won't be too hard on yourself, and talk with others who have been in similar situations so you know you are not alone.

After the birth of my second daughter I had a moment where I had a meltdown just wanting my first daughter right with me (she was 2 and napping) and I just cried and cried. I felt terrible for not feeling an immediate bond with my new baby. I had no idea who this new baby way, or how completely in love with her I would fall. The hormones are no joke, during pregnancy and after. So I agree with finding out before the baby arrives could be a better option than waiting.

I hope you find peace.

 

[kittylady]

Did you have your blood test? When do you get the results?

 

[Uni tsi]

kitty, thank you for asking
I went in for the blood tests earlier this week, but I found out it takes between nine days and two weeks to get results. So I'm waiting. Could find out as soon as one week from now, I hope. Or another week and a half at most. I've been practicing acting like I don't care which it will be, but in actuality I'm super anxious.

 

[mummy2_1]

Hope ur results come in quickly. It's the waiting half the time that makes anxiety worse. I think u should be honest to urself and let urself feel any emotion u have at that moment when u get the results. In my experience bottling emotions is toxic. U are totally entitled t feel what u are feeling. This doesn't make u any less of a good person or a fantastic mummy. No matter what u will love ur baby in the end.

 

[Uni tsi]

So, a little update. I went in for a scan today and was expecting to be able to find out the gender. Instead, I found out that the lab didn't include those results in their report even though they had been specifically requested. My doctor's office is making calls to figure out what went wrong. So, I might find out tomorrow. I'm worried what I'll find out is that the lab really screwed up and I have to submit another blood sample and wait two more weeks Geesh!

 

[Uni tsi]

It's a girl!!!

 

[Unexpected212]

I am SO happy for you.

 

[mummy2_1]

Congratulations!!

 

[kittylady]

Congratulations xx

 

[donnarobinson]

Congrats x

 

[Bevziibubble]

Congratulations!!

 

[kerrymom]

Congratulations!

 

[Uni tsi]

I really appreciate all the well wishes, everyone. Thank you! As you can imagine, I'm feeling very relieved. It's like a huge weight has lifted and I'm finally able to be excited about my pregnancy. I hope everyone in this forum eventually gets the gender they're hoping for!