Parenting clash

[Kmx]

I am at a complete loss as to how to deal with my oh. I find myself sooo frustrated with him. For the last 10 months I have looked after lo alone whilst he was away on business with a monthly visit. Since returning he seems to be going against what I've been doing with lo discipline wise and his reply when I raise my concerns about it is that he can do what he likes as it is his son too. I end up feeling so frustrated and wonder if it is a bad idea to have any more kids in the future. For instance, I've told oh over and over that I don't agree with physical punishment whether that be a tap on the wrist or smack on the bum or leg I don't agree with it and I do not want it happening to my son. His reply is that it didn't do him any harm and whenever lo misbehaves he always says it's becuase it's my fault and I'm too soft on him. I now prefer to do the childcare myself where possible however oh bathed lo tonight. I overheard him saying "if you do that again I will smack your bum". It breaks my heart and I don't know what to do other than to do everything for lo where possible which leaves me exhausted.

I honestly believe my relationship is excellent with my lo becuae I listen to what he likes and dislikes and we both respect each other. He acts like a normal two year or but whenever he does anything wrong he apologies immediately. He is well mannered and is generally a well behaved child. I do use time out when it's required but it rarely is. So I don't see any need to smack him and would never dream of it just because I care so much about him and don't want to cause him physical pain. So it annoys me to the point where I can't stand my oh when he does it or threatens it but I just don't know how to stop it I've tried talking calmy and angrily and still he insits that this is how he will parent. Anyone got any advice or in a similiar situation?

 

[seoj]

I would feel the same hun. I think it's important for all involved to be a TEAM- to compromise when needed and the parents should be a united front (per say). So the kids have clear/set limits. I wouldn't be ok with any physical punishment either... but how we are raised can certainly affect how we raise our kids. Either we continue the pattern- or learn better for it.

It's certainly not fair on you to do everything- or OH or LO. But if OH can't at least try to see your points... I don't know how to convince him. My only thought would be to suggest you both see a family counselor? If anything, so that your OH can get an outside opinion- maybe he'd listen more? Maybe say you've been thinking of seeing someone (so he doesn't feel singled out or get defensive) and see if he's be open to the idea too?

Sorry no better input.

 

[justmeinlove]

I don't have a solution, but would point out that the only one who is apparently having to consider compromising in this situation is you.

(basically, if he thinks all it takes to win the discussion is to go 'well I'm doing it this way with no regard for your opinion, tough' then - be tougher back. Say no, we're doing it this way, your way is not acceptable. No reason to be nice about it - he isn't.

 

[Zephram]

I don't think physical punishment is ever okay. In fact, where I live it is illegal to smack your children, so obviously the line is already drawn, but even without the legal protection, it is not okay to smack in my view. I would be firm with your OH and say it isn't okay. If he is reacting this way because he was smacked as a kid, then you need to present him with viable alternatives, that means other ways to discipline your son without smacking. He may not be aware there are other effective methods.

Do your research, find a method you're comfortable with - time outs or whatever - and explain to him why it is a more suitable method to use. It's the only way to break the cycle of violence.

 

[MrsHedgehog]

I would under no circumstances let my husband smack LO. We occasionally have differences in opinion on how to do things but usually we discuss it and come up with a solution. On smacking though I'd be unmovable. Luckily DH agrees with me on this one. I think it's a good idea to see a family counsellor as a PP has suggested.

 

[Kmx]

Thanks for your suggestions. We have spoken tonight and he's apologised and said he will not do it in the future and that he didn't mean to say it tonight, that it just slipped out in the heat of the moment. I'm happy with that so will see how it goes . Thanks again

 

[the why bird]

I'm glad the two of you are working it out together.

While I agree with your methods, it must be hard for him to fall into your established patterns after being away so long. Does he know many other toddlers? Because I wonder if he really has an idea of what is typical toddler behaviour (as opposed to him being treated too softly).

 

[jd83]

I'm glad the two of you are working it out together.

While I agree with your methods, it must be hard for him to fall into your established patterns after being away so long. Does he know many other toddlers? Because I wonder if he really has an idea of what is typical toddler behaviour (as opposed to him being treated too softly).

This. I think this is a common problem, and its one my DH has as well. He's gone working a LOT of the time, as he's a farmer with very long hours. When he IS home, I find he struggles to realize what is "normal" behavior for their ages. He thinks if they tantrum and cry over things, its because I'm "letting them get away with acting like that", or that I'm just not disciplining them to make them stop. Not that the behavior is actually perfectly normal at their ages (obviously I don't enjoy tantrums, or think its okay for them to throw them often, but that doesn't make it unusual behavior for their age). I've had to go over it and over it with him about what kids this age act like, and even point out other kids their ages acting exactly the same when we are out and about to show him its not just our kids. I think he gets it more now, but I still have to remind him at times when I see him getting frustrated with them. I'm not against using time-outs, time to calm down, distraction, redirection, etc. I use those often. But I certainly don't think my kids having a tantrum over typical things is because I have let them get away with acting that way; its just how kids that age behave while learning how to control their emotions.

 

[Noodlebear]

I'm glad the hitting will stop, I'd go ballistic if someone hit my son. I agree with the above though, it must be really hard for him. He probably feels like he has no say. Rather than telling him to do things your way I think you need to discuss it with him. Most of our parenting 'ideas' come from me, purely because I think into it more than he does lol, but we'll chat about it and most of the time we agree on how we want to handle things. Even though he works full time and isn't with LO quite as much as I am, we're on the same page and he is still actively involved in the decision making.

 

[Sambatiki]

Glad you have sorted the situation hun xx

 

[RcdM]

This. I think this is a common problem, and its one my DH has as well. He's gone working a LOT of the time, as he's a farmer with very long hours. When he IS home, I find he struggles to realize what is "normal" behavior for their ages. He thinks if they tantrum and cry over things, its because I'm "letting them get away with acting like that", or that I'm just not disciplining them to make them stop. Not that the behavior is actually perfectly normal at their ages (obviously I don't enjoy tantrums, or think its okay for them to throw them often, but that doesn't make it unusual behavior for their age). I've had to go over it and over it with him about what kids this age act like, and even point out other kids their ages acting exactly the same when we are out and about to show him its not just our kids. I think he gets it more now, but I still have to remind him at times when I see him getting frustrated with them. I'm not against using time-outs, time to calm down, distraction, redirection, etc. I use those often. But I certainly don't think my kids having a tantrum over typical things is because I have let them get away with acting that way; its just how kids that age behave while learning how to control their emotions.

Thank you for saying this. My OH and I clash heads when it comes to punishment and you took the words out of my mouth, you described our issues perfectly. We both work full time so it's a little different, but I know I take on more of the responsibility when it comes to our dd. When I tell OH that dd has been throwing a fit, he tells me it's because I let her get away with it. If I'm stressed out because she's been acting up, it's because I'm letting her do it. When really all I want him to do when I'm venting to him is give me a hug and say you're doing a good job, or that must be tough, or let me watch her for a bit and you go rest. He thinks that me redirecting her when she's getting into something she shouldn't or distracting her when she cries because she wants something does nothing. He believes in spanking, I know you all disagree but this is my opinion, I am okay with spanking but not yet at this age. She just turned 2 and I think a big part of her fits and tantrums is because she's not able to communicate what she wants or needs yet so she gets frustrated. I do not believe in spanking if the child is too young to make the connection as to why they're being spanked. When she throws a fit I will ignore her, if it gets bad I will put her in her crib and calmly let her know why I'm putting her in there and that she can come out once she calms down. I think that's the only thing you can do right now. When she is old enough to understand things and can reason and still blatantly disobeys, well then I may be okay with it. However old that is, I don't know, I will rely on our judgment to make that determination.

I ask for advice on these boards and then when I talk to my OH about what I've read and what I'd like to try as far as discipline, he rolls his eyes about these "message boards" and says he doesn't need anyone else's opinion about how he should raise his own child. I tell him well this is our first, we don't know what we're doing, why is it wrong to talk to other parents about what they do and how effective it is?? He's just very hard headed and thinks that he should be able to raise his kids how he wants to. It's frustrating.

 

[jd83]

This. I think this is a common problem, and its one my DH has as well. He's gone working a LOT of the time, as he's a farmer with very long hours. When he IS home, I find he struggles to realize what is "normal" behavior for their ages. He thinks if they tantrum and cry over things, its because I'm "letting them get away with acting like that", or that I'm just not disciplining them to make them stop. Not that the behavior is actually perfectly normal at their ages (obviously I don't enjoy tantrums, or think its okay for them to throw them often, but that doesn't make it unusual behavior for their age). I've had to go over it and over it with him about what kids this age act like, and even point out other kids their ages acting exactly the same when we are out and about to show him its not just our kids. I think he gets it more now, but I still have to remind him at times when I see him getting frustrated with them. I'm not against using time-outs, time to calm down, distraction, redirection, etc. I use those often. But I certainly don't think my kids having a tantrum over typical things is because I have let them get away with acting that way; its just how kids that age behave while learning how to control their emotions.

Thank you for saying this. My OH and I clash heads when it comes to punishment and you took the words out of my mouth, you described our issues perfectly. We both work full time so it's a little different, but I know I take on more of the responsibility when it comes to our dd. When I tell OH that dd has been throwing a fit, he tells me it's because I let her get away with it. If I'm stressed out because she's been acting up, it's because I'm letting her do it. When really all I want him to do when I'm venting to him is give me a hug and say you're doing a good job, or that must be tough, or let me watch her for a bit and you go rest. He thinks that me redirecting her when she's getting into something she shouldn't or distracting her when she cries because she wants something does nothing. He believes in spanking, I know you all disagree but this is my opinion, I am okay with spanking but not yet at this age. She just turned 2 and I think a big part of her fits and tantrums is because she's not able to communicate what she wants or needs yet so she gets frustrated. I do not believe in spanking if the child is too young to make the connection as to why they're being spanked. When she throws a fit I will ignore her, if it gets bad I will put her in her crib and calmly let her know why I'm putting her in there and that she can come out once she calms down. I think that's the only thing you can do right now. When she is old enough to understand things and can reason and still blatantly disobeys, well then I may be okay with it. However old that is, I don't know, I will rely on our judgment to make that determination.

I ask for advice on these boards and then when I talk to my OH about what I've read and what I'd like to try as far as discipline, he rolls his eyes about these "message boards" and says he doesn't need anyone else's opinion about how he should raise his own child. I tell him well this is our first, we don't know what we're doing, why is it wrong to talk to other parents about what they do and how effective it is?? He's just very hard headed and thinks that he should be able to raise his kids how he wants to. It's frustrating.

I work full time too, so I get that aspect of it too. But I'm home a lot more than DH because I work 40 hour weeks, whereas he works more like 80-90 hour weeks during certain seasons. Right now, he's working probably 80-90 hours a week because its planting season, and they have to get crops in quickly to have enough growing time over the summer for fall harvest. So with him barely being home, its very frustrating to hear that our kids' tantrums are because I let them act like that. Glad I'm not alone on that one!

ETA: just wanted to point out I'm not saying my DH is a bad father either, just that I think he sometimes lacks the knowledge of what's age appropriate which does interfere with knowing how to respond to situations.

 

[RcdM]

I work full time too, so I get that aspect of it too. But I'm home a lot more than DH because I work 40 hour weeks, whereas he works more like 80-90 hour weeks during certain seasons. Right now, he's working probably 80-90 hours a week because its planting season, and they have to get crops in quickly to have enough growing time over the summer for fall harvest. So with him barely being home, its very frustrating to hear that our kids' tantrums are because I let them act like that. Glad I'm not alone on that one!

ETA: just wanted to point out I'm not saying my DH is a bad father either, just that I think he sometimes lacks the knowledge of what's age appropriate which does interfere with knowing how to respond to situations.

Oh of course, I don't think anyone thought your DH was a bad father! Mine's not either, mine's an amazing father and he loves our dd so much and she loves her daddy. I tried to write my post without bashing him, just stating facts. It's just about disagreements with discipline that's hard to get through.

 

[jd83]

Exactly!