My son Zach was meant to be a girl.
I knew he would be. I knew with the conviction of someone who felt things in their waters, who trusted the basic instincts of motherhood, of someone who instinctually knew that there was a daughter in her future.
When I found out that our daughter was our second son, it unexpectedly crushed me. My gut, my instinct, my faith was gone, and I feared that the son I would be delivered would pull me back into the abyss, the blackness that found me the first time. A carbon copy of my first. Trapping me under its weight.
Zach came on a Friday.
The surgeons sliced me in two, the second heart and soul which beat and lived inside my body was lifted out and left my stomach empty. He cried and rejoiced his entrance to the world.
My son who was my daughter was born.
And in my arms we fit like two pieces of a puzzle knit together. His heart and breath match mine in their rhythms, I wouldn't have believed it were I not living it.
He melted away my desire and disappointment. In my arms tonight with the wind blowing outside and rain on the windows he has fed, I have nourished him as I nourished him for months inside me. I carried him and nourished him even when I despaired for the daughter I was mourning. He lay in my arms and he pulled away from my breast and his big blue eyes, warm and trusting looked directly at me. And he smiled.
And I replied "I love you too".
https://i1242.photobucket.com/albums/gg533/pixeldustnz/b449d7ac.jpg
I knew he would be. I knew with the conviction of someone who felt things in their waters, who trusted the basic instincts of motherhood, of someone who instinctually knew that there was a daughter in her future.
When I found out that our daughter was our second son, it unexpectedly crushed me. My gut, my instinct, my faith was gone, and I feared that the son I would be delivered would pull me back into the abyss, the blackness that found me the first time. A carbon copy of my first. Trapping me under its weight.
Zach came on a Friday.
The surgeons sliced me in two, the second heart and soul which beat and lived inside my body was lifted out and left my stomach empty. He cried and rejoiced his entrance to the world.
My son who was my daughter was born.
And in my arms we fit like two pieces of a puzzle knit together. His heart and breath match mine in their rhythms, I wouldn't have believed it were I not living it.
He melted away my desire and disappointment. In my arms tonight with the wind blowing outside and rain on the windows he has fed, I have nourished him as I nourished him for months inside me. I carried him and nourished him even when I despaired for the daughter I was mourning. He lay in my arms and he pulled away from my breast and his big blue eyes, warm and trusting looked directly at me. And he smiled.
And I replied "I love you too".
https://i1242.photobucket.com/albums/gg533/pixeldustnz/b449d7ac.jpg
I know not everyone falls in love when their baby is born, but I hope that it gives some hope to know that even from extreme GD and antenatal depression you can overcome 
