patronising in laws!

[corri]

Well this is just basically a rant about how patronising my in laws are being about my pregnancy. I welcome any advice or stories of similar experiences, sometimes it helps to know I'm not the only one going through this!

Me and my fiance are both 21 we are getting married next march and I am nearly 7 months pregnant : )

It's his Mum and Nan in particular and sometimes his dad, I appreciate advice from people but with them it's not advice its 'telling'.

I have been given the majority of stuff from friends and family and his nan showed up out of the blue at our house the other day to tell us that she thinks it will do our baby good to have something brand new and that she has chosen a pram for us, I politley told her that although I am very greatful of her offer my friend is giving me her pram for very cheap that she brought brand new 7 months ago for £500. So she then goes on to say "ok well we'll get the cot then where's the argos catologue.........this is the one we've chosen for you". ermmm excuse me, the one YOU have chosen !!!!! The one she had picked was hideous and old fashioned so I pointed at a nice white one I liked and she responded "uh no I hate the white ones". She then proceeded to show us a little dress she had brought but she said we can't have it yet because she hasn't washed it, I told her well I can wash it? (and I would've done anyway) so she makes me promise to wash it !!!??? "make sure you do then, promise me". I then show her the baby's room all ready and set up and all the bits I have so far - she laughed at me that I have started to put everything in its place already "pah you even got the bottle warmer out and ready, oh and you silly thing even gone and bought a little pink rug I won't have you spoiling my great grandchild you don't know whats hit you you'll soon see" I just feel like saying p*** off you silly old cow don't patronise me. And she's bought us towels and blankets but were "not aloud them yet" And she told me "i've bought something I know you wouldn't think of but your not aloud it until shes in her room!" she then produces a room thermometre, I said to her well actually i've already got one and its already in her room! uggh I'm not a child asking for sweets before dinner!

And his mum keeps calling her, her baby. I tripped a bit and she shouts "mind MY baby!" or it's "how's MY baby? has she missed me?" I told her i wanted to get a bath support and she says "no don't get one of those it's easier just to hold them" so i said that i would still rather get one and see which works best for me so she says "well when she stays with me I won't be using it" Ive been wanting to get some dribble ons and sock ons and ive written them down on my list, shes crossed them out and also told me i can't put things like breast pads on the list because thats for me not the baby??

And one last thing - me and partner were having a conversation about the future and the topic of our next child came up, his dad pipes up "your not having another one" he was deadly serious no hint of a joke atall, it made me feel angry so i said "yes we are a couple years after this one and we may even have more" he looked a bit angry that I hadn't agreed that this would be the only one "oh no you won't ones enough your not even parents yet and already your planning more children, you won't be able to cope with one its not a walk in the park you know" i didn't even answer because if i had it would have just been histerical shreiking. i had also planned for my mum to have the baby when we go on our honey moon because she is retired now, and his dad turned around and said "well sally (my partners mum) will be glad to take the time off work just tell us the dates and we'll have her"

There are loads of other things been said aswell but i won't go into that as ive made this far too long as it is : )

I just dread what it will be like when she actually arrives :S

 

[griffinh]

just


id HATE that and youre being really good not telling them where to fuck off, i know i woulda!

 

[Jodiebump2012]

I hate pushy family members! You need to tell granny and the rest of them to back off! This is your child not theirs, they had their turn and now it's yours. If you want a bath support you get a bath support, it has nothing to do with them!

My OH's father and step-mother basically TOLD me that they were taking OUR baby on holiday to disneyland! I was gobsmacked... who in their right mind would assume I would allow this without being asked? Me and my OH want to take our child to disneyland when she's old enough to actually remember her time there

I think you need to put them in their place hunny x

 

[ericacaca]

Good grief... are they local? If they are thats even worse. I'm sure you appreciate they must be excited too about have a little grandchild but all of that fuss is just wrong.

You're starting your own little family and you should have every right to do it whatever way you want to. Older people are just so arrogant and think they know everything!

One bit of advice though - don't get on their bad side... sounds like they want to help. Just going a rather frustrating way about it!

 

[yrose20118]

HA HA!!!

Sorry I dont find this funny but honestly people just make you laugh sometimes at how stupid they can be! This is YOUR baby... not theirs!!!

I am lucky and have fantastic inlaws but sometimes they do say "our baby" and "you wont be doing this or that with OUR baby"... I grit my teeth and smile whilst thinking "i will do as I bl**dy well like thank you very much!" and I love my inlaws dearly and I find it very annoying so if I didnt get along with them all that well I would be fuming! However they are just trying to be helpful, despite it coming out wrongly.

I have told my hubby (several times) that this is in fact OUR baby and WE will raise him or her as we please thank you very much and he agrees.

Maybe ask your fella to have a quiet word with them all and tell them to back of a little, it his family so he really needs to say something if its upsetting you hun. Best not to rock the boat with the inlaws if you can help it though, as despite being annoying you may need their support going forward.

hope they back off somewhat with you soon hun!

xxx

 

[ericacaca]

Ooooh yeah, I was going to add that about getting OH to sort 'em out! xxx

 

[minimoo90]

You must have the patience of a saint...You should try and talk to your OH about it all, and see if he can have a quiet word with them.

 

[teresapk]

oh lord. i agree with you, tell them to pi** off

my in laws are buying a nursery just for their house, 'when the baby stays over here'. i'm a little insulted that she thinks we're just going to drop our 'infant' off for them to play parent with.

family can be so annoying. sounds like you guys have it together and are planning really well. you know you don't have to accept their conditional gifts. and you don't have to accept them talking to you like you're a kid either. good luck

 

[hastbury]

They sound bloody awful! I've been wound up no end particularly by my MIL flitting around buying things we don't need but I think what you're going through sounds more like a lack of respect issue than just being a bit smothering.

Definitely as the girls said above try and OH involved in terms of having a word - mine was really not keen to do this with his mum so I have told him in no uncertain terms that if things 'blow up' because nothing has been said then it will be noted that I asked for help early on!

Good luck, and to echo above again, it's YOUR baby x

 

[Vigreybrance]

You are actually in the most powerful position, not the least although thats probably how you're being made to feel. This is your baby, you're her mum and what you say goes, don't worry about offending them, they will learn that if they want to be involved they have to play by your rules as long as you are assertive with them from the start. They sound the type that if you give an inch they take a mile so don't let them out of politeness on your part!

 

[Snow Owl]

I'm convinced I'm having a blue and OH is convinced its a pink. We were discussing this with OHs mum and she said 'don't get convinced its a boy! You'll only be disappointed and will never bond with them!'

I was like :O

Seriously who says that?

 

[PandaPrincess]

My OH's father and step-mother basically TOLD me that they were taking OUR baby on holiday to disneyland! I was gobsmacked... who in their right mind would assume I would allow this without being asked? Me and my OH want to take our child to disneyland when she's old enough to actually remember her time there x

I got told this by my mother too. Ermmmm no it's our child, so we will be the ones taking him there first thank you.

I feel for you Hun, just remember your baby your rules end of! Xx

 

[Jodiebump2012]

My OH's father and step-mother basically TOLD me that they were taking OUR baby on holiday to disneyland! I was gobsmacked... who in their right mind would assume I would allow this without being asked? Me and my OH want to take our child to disneyland when she's old enough to actually remember her time there x

I got told this by my mother too. Ermmmm no it's our child, so we will be the ones taking him there first thank you.

I feel for you Hun, just remember your baby your rules end of! Xx

Not just me then! disneyland florida at less than a year old for 2 weeks! I seriously don't understand why they would even think this would happen... crazy people x

 

[Katy Bug]

So sorry for the situation you're in! A lot of women, especially new moms, end up having problems with the in-laws (more the mother in law). This sounds like an extreme case of control freaks though. Just from reading all of that, I think it's safe to say that both of your in-laws are control freaks, more your mother-in-law though. She doesn't have a right to tell you what you do or do not need, and it's rude of her to laugh at stuff you've already put out in the nursery.

I know it's hard to deal with and will be even harder to stand up to her, but it really needs to be done. How does your fiance feel about this? Have you talked to him about it? If his mother is a control freak then she more than likely has him whipped to do what she wants so it sounds like you're going to have to be the one to put your foot down, even if it means hurting some feelings. One thing I would tell her is that she had her chance as a mother to do what she wanted with her child or children and it's now your turn to do things your way and she essentially has no say so. Of course she'll probably do what she wants when your child is at her house (grandparents like to spoil) but when it comes down to it whatever you want your child to do, wear, eat, etc. is all up to you and you, as a mother, have more right than anyone else to make sure they are raised the way you want them to be raised.

Like I said, I know it's hard, but if you don't do something then your mother-in-law will annoy you to no end and manipulate you and make your life miserable. Don't be afraid to take a stand

 

[puppycat]

Ugh! What an awful set of people!

I am nowhere near as polite as you, I'd probably have rammed something up one of their asses by now

 

[AP]

Vigreybrance said it PERFECTLY!

 

[Beee]

Oh hun, how bloody awful!!!! What a situation to be in. Obviously you don't want to upset people but they are upsetting you and taking things way too far!!! The worst thing I felt was his dad trying to tell you that you won't have any more kids, and that you won't even manage with one!!!! That's downright disgusting for him to talk to you like that!! Soooo patronising and unsupportive. Grrrr it makes my blood boil just reading your experience so goodness knows what you feel like!!
I'd be tempted to just laugh at them next time they start trying to tell you what to do! And I echo what others have said, get your OH to say something to them, they are his parents! Warn them if they don't back off a bit they are going to risk missing out on time with their grandchild.
It's YOUR baby, you raise her how YOU want. End of.
Good luck hun!
xxxxx

 

[leahsbabybump]

oh dear i would have lost it if i was you i would have probably just screamed to stop at them and tell them off
you need to put your foot down hun

 

[clmh25]

I'm so sorry your in that situation. I had a similar thing with my MIL and her constantly referring to my LO as "her baby". I tolerated it for about the first 10 times and then just said "I'm pretty sure the baby belongs to whoevers vagina it gets pushed out of". I've always been a bit of a say what's on my mind person so my FIL took the hint and talked to my MIL about it and I haven't had a worry since.
Perhaps you should be slightly more aggressive with them, I mean after all you can blame it on the hormones if your not normally like that.

 

[corri]

Thanks for all your input guys, I tend to just bite my tongue because at the end of the day I know that deep down they just have good intentions and perhaps don't realise how patronising and controlling they are being. I will deffinatly politly put them in there place next time it happens with something like "well I appreciate your advice but I am still going to do it the way I feel is best for my daughter" or something along the lines of that.

Also it's his nan who is by far the worst out of the bunch she is VERY invasive turning up unannounced and 'telling' me what is best for my baby and thinks 'she knows best' so maybe if I deal with her first and get her in line the rest will follow - and if that doesn't work then i might just resort to screaming at the top of my voice "MY BABY MY RULES AND THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE" : ) hopefully things won't get that far though lol and at the end of the day well lets face it shes not even grandma to my child shes a great grandma so i don't even know why she thinks she deserves so much input in my baby's life!?