patronising in laws!

[ZoeZo]

Blimey! You're doing well to have bitten your tongue this long you're going to have to be brutally honest/abrupt/sacarstic sometimes.

It's nice the show an interest, but not take over. They may think that because they've already raised kids they know better than you, but that was a lot of years ago!

My OH's parents bought us the pram, but the one we wanted (I got hormonal when the OH said his parents were going to buy the moses basket, when they didn't know what we wanted)
My parents have not offered, bought or even asked if I'd like them to buy anything - in some ways I think that's sad, but on the other hand I'm pleased she isn't interferring.
My own Mum laughed in my face and knocked all my confidence when I said I wanted to give birth naturally with no pain relief if possible - could've encourgaged me!

 

[corri]

My Mum hasn't even been able to buy me anything yet because everytime she says come on lets go and get you this....someone on his side has already beaten her to it! So she has resorted to buying me all the stuff I need like maternity clothes and things like that and said she'll buy me anything thats been missed out at the end although I doubt they will miss anything between them all I pretty much have everything but they won't give it to me yet which is really frustrating cuz then I would know what ive got and what I havn't! agggghhh so annoying.

We went to visit his mum last night and his nan was there, just before that I had been and picked up a feeding pillow and his nan turned round and said "oh for goodness sake what have you bought that for! just stick her on your lap like we used to do" I said "No thank you i'd rather do it how i'm going to feel best comfy" My fella tried to change the subject and said "look how big she's getting now" his nan was like "uh its not that big......tiny really for 7 months" now I don't know about you but I get quite upset when people critisize how big/small my tum is! I felt like punching her in the face lol I would never do that tho

 

[Beee]

My Mum hasn't even been able to buy me anything yet because everytime she says come on lets go and get you this....someone on his side has already beaten her to it! So she has resorted to buying me all the stuff I need like maternity clothes and things like that and said she'll buy me anything thats been missed out at the end although I doubt they will miss anything between them all I pretty much have everything but they won't give it to me yet which is really frustrating cuz then I would know what ive got and what I havn't! agggghhh so annoying.

We went to visit his mum last night and his nan was there, just before that I had been and picked up a feeding pillow and his nan turned round and said "oh for goodness sake what have you bought that for! just stick her on your lap like we used to do" I said "No thank you i'd rather do it how i'm going to feel best comfy" My fella tried to change the subject and said "look how big she's getting now" his nan was like "uh its not that big......tiny really for 7 months" now I don't know about you but I get quite upset when people critisize how big/small my tum is! I felt like punching her in the face lol I would never do that tho

I agree with your plan to tackle his nan hun. She sounds very controlling, even if her heart is in the right place its incredibly belittling towards you. Really don't know how you have kept your cool!
xxx

 

[corri]

OMG I really had to bite tongue hard on this one.

A very close friend of mine is giving me her travel system, her daughter is 8 months old and she is still using it at the mo until she gets a stroller.

My fella's mum started asking about it so I told her. She then says to me "well as soon as you get it i'll take it back with me so that I can clean it"

I said "there's no need for that, my friend is a very clean person and has kept it in very good condition and will wash it for me anyway" she says "I'll want to give it a good clean anyway"

Erm excuse me if it does need cleaning then does she think I'm not capable of doing it myself!?

And she also said to me "and I'll just keep it at mine, your not having it here it's bad luck" at this point I got up and walked out the room because i honestly just felt like shouting at her.

I know some people believe that it is bad luck to have the pram before the baby is born but I don't and I won't be getting it until only a few weeks before anyway. It annoys me that she just tells me this is what she's doing, it's my baby my pram and i'll clean it and have it in my house thank you very much!

She also said to me I'm going to get you this set of 12 bottles, I told her I wouldn't need that many as I'm going to breastfeed and I'll only need a few to start with for if I need to express. She says to me "well I'm also going to get you this electric breast pump instead of the manual one you want because 'I want' my son to be able to feed her too, I take it thats what your going to do? So that he can bond with her just as much as you" I said "well we might do that occasionally but really I don't want to confuse her between the bottle and breast all the time and most baby's won't take a bottle easily if they've been breastfed"

It's not her decision on how I feed my baby I just want his whole family to just back off and stop being so controlling with everything!

His nan has bought us loads of flanalette cot sheets but if she had just spoken to me about it before hand she would know that I don't use the flat sheets I hate them and have had a grudge against them since I started changing my own bed and will never ever use them for anything the fitted ones are sooo much easier.... so she says "I bought the big ones cuz then you can just fold them up and use them on your crib or moses basket and saves on money for when you get the cot".... don't just do something without asking me first I don't want to do that for goodness sake so I told her "thank you very much but to be honest if they are still in the packaging and you have the receipt you should get your money back because I won't use them"..... should have seen her face haha.

 

[hastbury]

don't just do something without asking me first I don't want to do that for goodness sake so I told her "thank you very much but to be honest if they are still in the packaging and you have the receipt you should get your money back because I won't use them"..... should have seen her face haha.

That's the way to do it!

It really does seem like this is only going to build, you may need to turn it up even more in terms of bluntness, some people just get into such a frenzy!

My MIL came round on Sunday with just the most bizarre thing - an arctic-level insulated bodymuff for our carseat! she said she had to order from germany and had to search everyhwere for the matching colour to our seat...yes, there's a reason you can't get it in this country, because we don't bloody need them! She started to show me how to use it and it became clear that once baby is in it, you would have to undo the seatbelts/buggy to take it out if baby was hot - so not really that safe either! She said it's for if baby gets cold in a car - err, this woman has never driven in her life and rarely goes in a car...does she not understand cars have heaters/aircon???

Just thought I'd share but I really feel for you and want you to hold steady with how YOU want to do things

 

[ericacaca]

She also said to me I'm going to get you this set of 12 bottles, I told her I wouldn't need that many as I'm going to breastfeed and I'll only need a few to start with for if I need to express. She says to me "well I'm also going to get you this electric breast pump instead of the manual one you want because 'I want' my son to be able to feed her too, I take it thats what your going to do? So that he can bond with her just as much as you" I said "well we might do that occasionally but really I don't want to confuse her between the bottle and breast all the time and most baby's won't take a bottle easily if they've been breastfed"

It's not her decision on how I feed my baby I just want his whole family to just back off and stop being so controlling with everything!

Oh my goodness! HOW DARE SHE SAY THAT? And how dare she decide for you how you're going to express. And how dare she assume that your won't allow your OH to take part in the feeding process. Bonding just as much as you? Sounds like she has some kind of complex that if OH isnt close to baby then she won't be. Hugs to you xxx

 

[Claire300]

I have to confess that I am sooooo bloody stubborn when it comes to the in-laws!

There's a few decisions I've made with the care of my son that I've done purely because my MIL wanted me to do the opposite (obviously not big safety or health decisions, just things where either was is fine). I don't like to be told what to do!

It runs in the family. I was supposed to be called Claire Susan after my mum, but her MIL went around telling everyone who'd listen that she'd come up with the name and even went as far as saying she'd told my mum to call me that! Anyway, day I was born her MIL (my grandmother) was informed that I was called Claire Louise. My mum doesn't like being told what to do either!

 

[lovemybubba]

I feel so sorry for you. I can't believe you have to put up with this. I was getting annoyed just reading it. How the hell have you not told them to fuck off already. This is your baby so don't listen to anything they say. Your OH needs to do something about them as this is just ridiculous!

 

[auntylolo]

Hun I really feel for you big massive
I think the best thing you've done so far is with the blankets and suggesting that his nan get her money back. Anything else that is bought for you or thrust upon you - like the bottles - just hand them back and say you don't need them/already have what you want. And if anything is said, you can innocently say, "well if you'd asked me I could have told you and saved you the bother". I find it's always best to act like you're trying to do the other person a favour, but this does mean you'll need to speak up when people are deciding what you need and don't need.

Another tip that may work for you, (my mil is quite excited to say the least and I can see how hard it is for her to be so restrained in buying everything she wants, and giving me opinions on everything, and telling me she needs a travel cot for when baby sleeps over etc) I told my mil that I was sick of people saying stupid things and opinions on the "right" ways for things to be done. I went on to elaborate that while I do really appreciate people caring and trying to help, but maybe it's my hormones that are making me think I just don't want to hear it and I'll find out the right way for me and hubby to do it with OUR baby, and that I was finding myself snapping at people without really meaning it. The way I put it across was that it was very likely that I was going to scream something awful at her, and that I would mean what I said, but my hormones won't allow me to put it as tactfully as I could usually.
Hope that makes sense xx

 

[bounceyboo]

woman u have more patience than a saint! i would have marched her out the front door, how dare she!would ur oh not speak up n put her back in her box?sounds like both mil n grandmother need to back off badly!as regards to ur pram refuse to give it to her or say its at ur mams house as she wanted to look after it for u seeing as everything else is at mils house?

 

[Crumbs]

corri, this is what I learned (and I'm almost 35 years old) when having your first child: if you're unfortunate enough to have in-laws that think they know it all, it will be worse when the baby comes. They will assume you're ignorant no matter how old you are!

You have to learn to take a stand. It's your baby. Don't continue to allow them to treat you like you're clueless. You're not an idiot and you have to fight for it! First, stop telling them your baby plans when all they do it criticize it. Keep things to yourself. Stop asking them for advice and when they volunteer advice, say in a calm yet assertive tone, "thank you but we plan on getting that anyway/doing that anyway".

When someone thinks they can voice their opinion about controlling your life (i.e. you're not allowed to have any more kids) remind them that although you are both still young, you'll be married soon and will be parents soon --- you can make up your own minds, thank you very much.

When MIL butts in and claims property of your baby, you have to make it clear that she's the grandmother, she had her turn to be a parent. Saying all of this might not make you a cheerful, easy-going person BUT they're not being cheerful, not being easy-going, not being supportive towards you. You need to set the record straight and stick up for yourself.

Sometimes it's like high school all over again. You have to ensure that they treat you as an adult with respect or else you'll be the one suffering for years to come.

They shouldn't feel like they can say all those things ... and for some reason they do. Maybe it's just because they're a-holes but even a-holes can be made to understand their boundaries.

HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS!

 

[corri]

Well we were at MIL's house and hubby's nan & grandad were there too, the conversation always turns to baby when we see them - so my partner was talking about how we only had 10 weeks to go and how excited we are , his grandad turns around and says "well you may be excited now but when she's here you'll be saying 'that baby won't stop crying!' and nothing will ever be the same again, so make the most of the 10 weeks you have left" this really annoyed me because firstly my baby is not a 'that' and secondly why does he have to be negative about it, just because this is our first baby does not mean that we are not aware of how life changing it will be and that there will be difficult times but i'm positive it's not allll bad. I get fed up of people telling me how hard it's going to be I want to hear someone tell me how special it is for once! We are having a baby not a monster!!!

So anyway we go on to talk about things I have on my baby shower list and amongst that I mention teething rings and baby toys to which his nan pipes up "oh for goodness sake it won't be wanting toys it's a baby! cross that out!" i'm stood there thinking did she really just call my baby 'it' (we found out months ago we are having a girl and they know this but still they continue to call her it or that) she's way too opinionated what does it matter that I want a few toys for when she's old enough? i'm not going to cross it out just because she tells me too!

Another day MIL came round to mine and my partner was telling her about how we are worried because we may not be able to afford the pram now (due to unforseen circumstances we had to use the money we had saved for it) so she says " well i'll get it for you but if I do i'll be keeping it at mine because your NOT having it at your house" I have told my fiance how i feel about her insisting on keeping it and that I want it at ours. So hubby says "no mum we want it here, were not superstisious" to which she argues "NO WAY i'm putting my foot down on this one, you will not have it here" I was absolutly flabberghasted at this as if she is REFUSING to let me have my own pram in my house, So I told her that if thats the case then I won't be accepting it as a gift from her and I will find a way to get it myself, she replied with "nooo you ca't do this to me".....I mean come on its not the end of the world, I thought she was gnna cry!!

 

[C_baby]

You need to start putting your foot down and sticking up for yourself, people will treat you how you let them treat you. It's not easy at first but once you demand a bit of respect they wil have to start giving it you. It's your baby, your choices and your life you don't have to put up with them interfering. I bet THEY wouldn't put up with it if the shoe was on the other foot.

 

[Someday Mommy]

Wow....... I can't believe you haven't exploded at them! I would've burst and probably been a nasty b**** about it. I didn't have anything as severe but I put up my crib really early 1. because it was given to us and I wanted to make sure all the pieces were there. 2. It made good storage for all of the other things we'd gotten. 3. It made me feel good just seeing it there. It took us 15 months to conceive and seeing it just made me smile lots! Well I posted about it on FB and people had negative comments about superstition. I responded with, "Well thanks for your concern, but I'm not superstitious. What God plans will be! Besides if you think by it sitting in pieces in the back room would make me feel less pain if something went wrong you are horribly mistaken." Just keep sticking up for yourself.. eventually they should back off and maybe it'll help them respect you. Good luck hun!!!

 

[bletherer]

Sounds like mine!!

I would give them an aspect of the babys care that you don't mind them doing for you and make a point of putting your foot down NOW on everything else!

Eg 'no I've already picked an outfit for the babys christening!!, I would really like some jewellry/ shoes etc to go with it, it would be nice if you could pick one out for ME'.

YOU and your partner call the shots always.

Your partner HAS to step up with this, simple as!

 

[corri]

So I was at the in laws again and earlier that day me and hubs had a little row over the phone he was with his dad at the time and he obviously over heard.

I had been there for no more than ten minutes when FIL pulls us to one side and says "right you two I don't want to hear anymore arguing between you, you have a baby on the way and you need to be showing love towards eachother" I was a bit taken a back at this 'telling off' and grabbed my partners hand and said "well we don't argue very often do we babe it's not like we have severe problems with our relationship" he immediatly broke our hands away from eachother and said "I'm not trying to say that, I'm just telling you that you need stop arguing" by now I was fuming inside so I told him "you don't need to tell us to stop arguing as we rarly argue and if we do it is minor" he then said to me looking at me as if I had just killed someone "I didn't tell you that you could speak did I" !!!!!?????? I have now got smoke billowing out of my ears but somehow I managed to stay surprisingly calm and say "now hang on a minute your not being very fair, the argument we had was ages ago and we have resolved it I have told you that there is no major problems in our relationship and I think that you should just leave it there" hubby is now standing behind FIL signing to me to stop and mouthing "that was the wrong thing to say" at this point I walked out........I mean what right has he got to be getting involved in our relationship, were living together got a baby on the way and nearly married and he is reprimanding us like children. I have seen many arguments he has had with his wife but do I get involved? NO.

Things did calm down after that and we carried on the evening as normal. Later on my baby girl had her waking hour and was moving round like mad, hubs lifted my top up to watch and feel and his dad turns round and says "now you put that belly away in my house" my partner said "oh dad but shes moving look" his dad - "nope put it away I don't want to see it" so I then pulled my top down as it is his house and I should respect his wishes. BUT I found him very rude, I realise that some people don't like to see pregnant belly's but I never do it in public only when I am at home, my mum's or the in laws as I did live there for 9 months and feel comfortable enough to do that (that is until now!)

And to top things off.....we were all having a conversation about our wedding next year and FIL asks what cake we want so I told him we wanted a tier of cup cakes with a giant one on top for us to cut. he looked at us both with that 'huh' expression and says "cupcakes.....CUPCAKES! you two are REALLY starting to annoy me whats wrong with just a traditional cake?" (I havn't exagerated that statement at all he literally shouted it at us) my partner said "well thats what we want and then at the end everyone can take home a cupcake instead of a peice of cake, we thought it was quite a nice idea" FIL huffed took a deep breath and said "what have I told you? don't worry about giving people gifts! you don't need to do that" so I said "but it is traditional to give everyone a slice of cake at the end were just doing it with cup cakes instead, and at the end of the day were not going to eat 100 cup cakes to ourselves and its nice to give people you care about a little gift at your wedding!" he gets up and walks off muttering "oh I wash my hands of all this stupidity"

I was really quite shocked at his behaviour. He has a tendancy to be bit abrupt sometimes but never to this extent it has changed my opinion of him completly.

 

[griffinh]

Woman stop visiting them! LOL you are going to go mental!!! xxx

 

[LisaL79]

Just ignore their stupid comments.
And as for the cupcake idea. LOVE IT! Dh and I went to a coworker's wedding this year and they did the cupcake idea. Had I think 4 different flavored cupcakes (all filled w/ different stuff, one was strawberry, another peanut butter, fudge, and I can't remember the last one.. think it was lemon) and it was delicious and very well recieved by everyone there.

 

[maisie78]

First time I have read your thread and OMG you are a SAINT!!!! I would have killed or at least maimed someone by now I honestly do not know what to say. They are a complete nightmare, the whole family. I would have flipped my lid if FIL spoke to me like that. I think the way your partner reacted goes to show that he is under the thumb of his family (not a criticism as such, just how he has been raised). You are doing a great job of standing up for yourself though. You are being very dignified in your responses. You are going to have to get a lot blunter I think as this is clearly the only language they understand.

for you hun xx

 

[Rickles]

Cupcakes rock... but seriously stop going round and seeing them, cut them out your lives for a couple of weeks - then they might be prepared to listen a little more. I'm irritated for you xx