patronising in laws!

[Morty_2012]

Oh my days! Reading all of the things they've said to you has left me speechless! Just... wow!

I haven't had to deal with any in-law drama as both are deceased but I've my fair share of comments from my OH's Uncle, Cousins and Brother about how "disrespectful" I'm being about our son's name because I'm not using the traditional name that would ordinarily be given to the first born son in their tribe.

At first, I let their comments go (which is not something I'd normally do - I'm usually very outspoken and blunt - but this is his family and I thought I'd be polite and keep the peace) but now I realise I should of corrected them from the get-go.

They know we have a first and middle name picked out, but even so, last off when we seen them they couldn't resist taking another pop, telling me that although I may have "got my way with the first name" but his middle name was still going to be what they wanted and that they were going to call him by it regardless.

I snapped. And told them straight-- I'M his mother, and by choosing to call my son by another name, they'd be blatantly disrespecting me and that was not something I'd tolerate. And that if they don't call him by his given name they won't have the opportunity to call him anything as they won't see him.

They didn't like it...but that was the end of it.

So I definitely agree with the others who have said you need to start correcting them and putting them in their place. It's not nice to have to do it and be put in that situation but it's the only way. After all, they'll only keep doing it otherwise. So better to have it out now before your baby girl is born than afterwoulds as it'll be a lot harder to deal with then and atleast now the dust will have time to settle.

With the gift situation... I'd go ahead and buy whatever it is you need or let your Mum buy you [whatever] as a gift, regardless of whether you think they've already got it for you or not, and then if they kick off once you've got it you can just say, "As you hadn't given it to me, I didn't know if I needed it or not, so went ahead and bought it. I want everything in place ready for the baby!" and tell them they can return theirs. They'll soon learn that everything is going to be on YOUR terms as this is YOUR baby.

Crack the whip hun!

 

[corri]

Oh my days!
They know we have a first and middle name picked out, but even so, last off when we seen them they couldn't resist taking another pop, telling me that although I may have "got my way with the first name" but his middle name was still going to be what they wanted and that they were going to call him by it regardless.

OMG they can't demand that you call your baby what they want!! arrgggh it really made me angry reading that lol

My FIL and his mum (yes the nan that keeps interfering, maybe thats were he gets it from!) don't like the name we have chosen, my mum doesn't particylarly like it either but she doesn't make a fuss.
Hubby's nan said that they wernt going to use her name or buy anything with her name on it until she's born 'just incase we change our minds' even though I've told her 3 times that it's deffinatly going to be Laila and were not going to change it unless she turns out to be a boy, which is very unlikly! and FIL keeps asking what other names we had in mind and why have we chosen that one? and are we sure about it and 'you'll probably end up changing it'

really frustrating!! don't let them choose your baby's name first or middle and remind them that they may be related to your child but at the end of the day that gives them no authority over any decisions you and your partner make regarding your child, THAT ultimatly falls to you whether they like it or not!

 

[corri]

Sorry I keep going on and on but this thread is the only place I can really get it off my chest, I can't talk to my partner about it in this depth I have to water it down so I don't upset him.

Ok so we have just got a puppy and we are getting thoroughly told off by the in laws. I know that a lot of people wouldn't think it's a good idea to get a puppy right before having a baby so we completly expected people to be shocked but we are getting told off like children and when I say that i add no exageration at all. As soon as MIL found out she IMMEDIATLY jumped in her car and drove down to us and took over telling us how to bring him up, putting him in his bed and holding him down 'trying to teach him where his bed is' telling us to where to put his bed what times to feed him (already been told by the breeders which is what i plan to stick to) and told us to 'wrap him up in a blanket at night' ?? hes a puppy not a baby. She even named him bailey with out asking us and started calling him it for ages even after we said we havn't decided on a name yet! IT GETS WORSE

I went back with her to her house to pick something up and she went upstairs and told FIL, she came down and whispered "he's not happy you know id step very carefully" he came down the stairs and i said hello to him he just grunted at me (like you do if your in a mood with someone) MIL in law pipes up "go on tell him about your puppy then" so I briefly filled him in to which he replies "your both stupid you should be spending your money on yourselves and your baby" (we got him free and hes had his injections all we had to buy was food) "and don't come crying to us when your cupbourds are bare becuase you spent all your money on food for the dog" when would that actually happen? I would not spend all my shopping money on food for the dog - idiot "it's ridiculous i'm really angry about it your both stupid a dog is so much hard work" uuurrrrmmmm hellooooo WE ARE NOT CHILDREN I appreciate that parents have concerns but i'm fed up of them being too involved in our lives we are adults and will make our own decisions and if they don't like it they should learn to keep thier opinions to themselves. Oh and later on his MIL text my partner saying "just to warn you dad really really not happy with you getting a dog maybe you should think about getting rid before you get too attatched" NO we are not going to get rid of the puppy just because his dad doesn't like how the hell does it affect him anyway i could understand if it was in his house!!!!!!! arrggghhhh i think i might go mad!!!!!!!

if this is what they are like with us getting a dog imagine how interfering they will be with my baby

 

[maisie78]

Seriously AAARRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! How do you cope??!!!

What sort of pup do you have? Any pictures? I'm a dog fanatic and would have a whole pack if we had the space. As it is we have a Welsh Springer and a Lab and we adore them both. Granted 30 weeks pregnant is probably not the best timing for a new pup but as long as you are prepared for the hard work that will go with having a very young dog and a baby at the same time and that you take the time to give him a good and stable loving home I don't see the problem. I've had hints from the in-laws about re-homing Lucy our springer as she is only 11 months old but one look from me and they never raised it again!

I just don't know how you hold your tongue. I would have bitten it off by now. They are far too wrapped up in your lives and think it gives them the right to make your decisions (I hope by the way that you are not calling the pup Bailey even if you love it, as this will just confirm to your MIL that she has the right to tell you what to do). You and OH need to sit down and really talk about this. Stop watering it down for him and give it to him straight then sit his family down as a united couple and tell them that the interfering has to stop. I know you don't want to burn bridges but those bridges are going to burn anyway hen you eventually lose your temper and end up saying something you regret. Better to calmly tell them now than scream it in their faces when you finally have enough.

I have every sympathy for you. It's a horrible situation to be in but you have to do something because this is going to be soooo much worse when baby arrives.

xx

 

[Someday Mommy]

Oh man, enough is enough! I know you don't want to upset your OH but boundaries NEED to be set. HE needs to say to them that you are not children, you're getting married, having a child, are a family.. While ADVICE is welcome your own opinions/decisions will not be commented on negatively and definitely not be challenged, or quite honestly, they don't need to be involved so much in your life together. The problem is definitely boundaries and his family has NONE. I've dealt with this with my ex and though you want to keep peace within your whole family, do not devalue your own sense of self worth. It will wear you down and tear you apart. You can begin to resent your OH for not sticking up for you. My heart aches for you knowing it will just get worse! My prayers are with you!

 

[LostAndAlone]

my god why do you guys even still visit them? Seriously?? I would cross the street to avoid people like that! I think you should just stay away from them cos it seems they do no good for any of you and everytime you see them you just end up upset and angry which is not good for you, baby or oh! i think you shoudl stay away even for a while and dont ask them for anything or mention infront of them that you need anything etc. I cant stand my inlaws for other reasons but we at least live 60 miles away so dont see them very often, i soo couldnt handle having to deal with them every other day! Even now when my oh goes to visit i very rarely even go with him, its his family, he can go see them on his own if he wants to!

 

[Morty_2012]

Oh my days!
They know we have a first and middle name picked out, but even so, last off when we seen them they couldn't resist taking another pop, telling me that although I may have "got my way with the first name" but his middle name was still going to be what they wanted and that they were going to call him by it regardless.

OMG they can't demand that you call your baby what they want!! arrgggh it really made me angry reading that lol

My FIL and his mum (yes the nan that keeps interfering, maybe thats were he gets it from!) don't like the name we have chosen, my mum doesn't particylarly like it either but she doesn't make a fuss.
Hubby's nan said that they wernt going to use her name or buy anything with her name on it until she's born 'just incase we change our minds' even though I've told her 3 times that it's deffinatly going to be Laila and were not going to change it unless she turns out to be a boy, which is very unlikly! and FIL keeps asking what other names we had in mind and why have we chosen that one? and are we sure about it and 'you'll probably end up changing it'

really frustrating!! don't let them choose your baby's name first or middle and remind them that they may be related to your child but at the end of the day that gives them no authority over any decisions you and your partner make regarding your child, THAT ultimatly falls to you whether they like it or not!

There is no chance! His name has been decided and that is that. And just to make sure everyone knows it I've had a sleepsuit embroided with it on for him to wear after he's born (when the majority of the pictures will be taken and visitors will come). Haha!

https://i940.photobucket.com/albums/ad248/finger_pop/baby/MalachiSleepsuit.jpg

Just so there is no confusion!

And gosh, you would think that you were trying to choose an unusual made up name the way celebrities do the way they have gone on! Laila is a beautiful name, so pay no mind hun.

 

[MommyJogger]

The way I see things:
Problem #1:

Well we were at MIL's house...

Problem #2:

Another day MIL came round to mine...

If this were me, I would make it a point now to spend as little time around them as possible and accept as few gifts/help as possible, even if it means you're lacking a few things you'd like to have. These are the kind of people who will bad-mouth you later on in front of your kids without realizing that they're doing something majorly offensive. Any rules you have set out for them will fly out the window when they visit grandma's house and they will blindly train your children to disrespect you by disrespecting you in front of them. Then they'll blame you when your children get unruly because they've learned they don't have to listen to you "because you're wrong". Watched this happen with my step-sibling-in-laws.

Also, dogs are fantastic. It's just like with kids: when you expect the hard work and frustration, and dedicate yourself to working through it, the joy and love you share with them is so special and immeasurable.

 

[DragonflyWing]

Wow! I read through the whole thread and I'm nearly speechless. I would have blown my top a heck of a long time ago, you must be so patient. If someone DARED to say to me "I didn't tell you you could speak, did I?" I would probably punch them in the face.

Ok, maybe I wouldn't punch them but I would *definitely* have left the house immediately, and wouldn't come back until I got an apology. Absolutely wouldn't tolerate that sh!t. No one, and I mean no one, gets to interfere with my marriage or my babies. I'm very touchy about people telling me how to live my life. Luckily, my parents are very laid back (and live 1000 miles away), and we don't have much contact with DH's parents. We see the rest of his family pretty often, but they're not the type to interfere...they're all about offering help instead of advice

I'm so sorry you have to deal with these people! I don't know how you stay sane

 

[MamaHix1409]

Oh hun, I feel your pain. OH's pretty much entire family are either interfering arseholes or just disinterested (with the exception of one auntie, uncle and their 3 girls who are fab)



If thy won't let you have stuff then just get your own and just tell them that you forgot they had got it because you have never seen it.

Oh, and we have the same due date xxx

 

[urchin]

he didn't tell you you could speak? HE DIDN'T TELL YOU YOU COULD SPEAK???????
Does he think he is your reception class teacher?

I am hopping up and down on your behalf hon.
I have been trying to figure out why the family would be so angry with you for doing things differently from how they would do them - and all I can come up with is that they are taking it as a criticism of their choices

Almost as if they are thinking 'she wants to do x where we would do y, therefore she is rejecting the y option and in doing so is implying criticism of us' ... which of course makes no sense at all - x can easily be right for one person, where y is right for the person stood next to them.

Would I have a puppy with a new baby? nope
Would I call my daughter Laila? nope
Is this relevant at all to your life and your choices? NOPE and NOPE again!

I agree completely with other people who have said that this will all get worse after the baby is born - so you really would be best to bite the bullet now.

You and your OH need to be on the same page with this one. You're going to need a frank and open conversation where you tell him how you are feeling - and also find out how he is feeling (and I'm guessing the phrase piggy in the middle might come up!)
But
It is one for him to choose to allow his parents to speak to him in that way, but he can't choose for you to allow them to speak to you like that too.
You need to agree on the tack you are going to take with his family - it doesn't mean you both have to do the same thing, but it does mean that he has to back up how you decide you need to handle his folks - even if he decides that he will handle them a different way e.g. he may decide he doesn't really mind them telling him off, but has to support you if you decide that you will not take this from them

Then a frank and adult conversation is needed with his parents - if I were having it, it would look something like this:

You obviously have your views on how things should be done, but I have mine and they are just as strong.
If we are talking about your life, then what you think is the most important opinion
but if we are talking about my life and my child, then I am the one who makes the decisions
I am not a child and I am not interested in being treated like a child. I do not feel comfortable in situations where people presume to 'tell me off' for making the decisions which are mine to make.
So
Either we change this relationship to an adult-to-adult one, or we won't see each other.

and let them choose.

How you decide you have the conversation is up to you - but you absolutely do need to set your stall out and tell them what is and isn't acceptable

Your OH can still keep his relationship with them, but there is no law which says that you have to have one too.
If you bump into them at family do's, then yes be polite ... but do not go to their house and do not invite them to yours



am wishing you lots of luck (and strength) with this, it is going to be tough - but dig deep and things will improve:
either they will realise that they are out of order and stop treating you like a child
or you will stop seeing them

either way you will be removing a huge source of stress in your life

 

[corri]

Oh, and we have the same due date xxx

Hehe our babies are exactly the same age how mad is that, I have to be induced a week early tho I don't want to be but docters won't let me go full term

 

[corri]

There is no chance! His name has been decided and that is that. And just to make sure everyone knows it I've had a sleepsuit embroided with it on for him to wear after he's born (when the majority of the pictures will be taken and visitors will come). Haha!

Haha love it, they deserve to have it rubbed in hun!

 

[Lea05x]

As if pregnancy isn't stressful enough without having to worry about annoying in laws...!

I recently had a total meltdown with my fella and told him how upset I was as his family were stressing me out. OH parents are very old (she's nearly 70 and he's 83) this will be there first grandchild and they are very excited-too excited! OH dad has been fab and always asking how I am but OH mom has been a right pain! From when we told her about the baby she has been dropping comments about how my mom will see the baby more than her and how I need to spread the baby around all of the family and not just my own. OH and I have already said everyone will be treated fairly however I am close to my mom and therefore I will probably go and visit her during the day with the little one as I appreciate her advice. I'm just not comfortable going to OHs mom and dads house on my own with the baby so we have agreed to pop up and see them when OH finishes work once/twice a week.

The other week OHs car would not start and he called his mom to ask her if she could take him to work (she doesn't work) she said no I can't I'm still in bed-I was still asleep and OH didn't want to wake me as he didn't want me to worry. Anyway my dad came and helped him in the end and got the car working. As I was asleep I didn't realise OH had called his mom that morning-at 10:20am there was a knock at the door it was his mom (hate it when she just shows up as I was even dressed! Anyhow she came found to moan about my OH saying she couldn't just come found and help him and she wasn't out of bed and that he needed to sort himself out as he had a baby on the way. I kept my cool with her but made my excuse that I was going out so she had to go. Once she went I cried my eyes out! Hhow could a mother not want to help her son? My OH is such a nice guy and does everything for his parents-his mother even calls him when she needs a light bulb changing.

That night OH went to his moms to have a chat to her as she had upset me and he wasn't having it, when he got there is sister (who is 5 years older) was there so he decided to wait and would talk to his mom another time when she was on her own. OH sister who when we told was going to be an Aunty took 3 weeks to actually congratulated us told my fella that if I put any Pictures of my baby in Facebook before she has been and visited will deeply upset her!

I just couldn't get my breath! Why do people have to be like this and why would they want to cause all this stress and upset? Now OH has told his mom to butt out and not stress me out anymore. It has caused lots of tension but OH had to say something or else they will continue to demand what they want when the baby is here.

Sorry this has turned into a rant on your thread....I hope your OH can stick up for you and what you both want for the baby before things get to out of hand x