people don't understand how traumatic it was for me :(

[BellaBoo0512]

I had my gorgeous son 4 months ago. During my pregnancy I had gestational diabetes and was carrying too much fluid. Due to this I was induced at 37 weeks gestation. I had my first pessary on the Tuesday at 6.30pm, the contractions started at 3am and came on really strong. On the Wednesday lunchtime the contractions were getting stronger but I wasn't dialating.

At about 3.30pm I was taken down to the delivery suite and had my waters broken. By 5pm the contractions were really painful and were coming every couple of minutes and the gas and air was sending me funny, I was begging for the epidural by 6pm... The anethasist came to do my epidural and put it too far into my spine and I was leaking spinal fluid, the epidural had failed and I had to have another one.

After about 20 minutes I was completely pain free and it was brilliant. By midnight I was getting the urge to push even though the midwife said it wasn't time yet. Eventually she let me push, I was pushing and pushing but my little man just wouldn't come out. He was back to back and I just couldn't get him out. I'd been pushing and pushing and pushing and it got to 4am. I was exhausted and really worried because it had been so long. I had also started to feel the contractions strongly again even though I had a button thing for the epidural.

Just after 4am the doctor came in and said that I would need to deliver the baby by forceps as it wasn't likely I was going to deliver him myself. By this point I didn't care how he got out, I just wanted him out safely. I needed to have an epesiotomy. Quite a few midwives/doctors were in the room at this point, some of them were preparing to take me down for an emergency c-section. When it came to have my epesiotomy I felt the doctor cut me. It wasn't pleasant and I can still remember how it felt.

Then my gorgeous baby boy was delivered. He was perfect in every single way. I had planned to breast feed but they wanted me to feed him almost straight away and I was in no fit state to feed him myself so he was bottle fed by my mum. Then I was stitched up. Thomas was delivered at 4.41am and me and my OH were allowed to stay in the delivery room until around 8am. Then I was made to have a shower despite not being able to walk and I'd not eaten or slept for well over 24 hours.

When I was put on the ward OH had to go home. I tried to get some sleep but the nurse kept waking me up for various things. Because of the spinal fluid leaking I had a terrible headache and was unable to move my neck.

Everyone that has asked me about my labour seems to have had relatively straight forward labours and doesn't seem to understand how tough it was for me. One of my friends even called me soft for having an epidural!

Looking back now 4 months on, I have tried to block most of it out but it really upsets me thinking about it and all my friends that have children seem to think I'm over eggadurating.

It has really put me off having more children because I'm petrified of the same thing happening. I don't let on to people but my birth experience haunts me. I have bad dreams about it all of the time.

I guess I'm just looking to see if anyone else had a tough labour and if they felt the same, and how you managed to get through it and did you go on to have any more kids?

The midwife said that if I choose to have any more children in the future I will be offered a c-section because I had a traumatic birth.

I wouldn't change my son for the world and I would go through it for him all over again if I had too.

 

[Elljo3]

Firstly

You sound like you had a very traumatic birth experience and even tho I can not begin to understand what you went through I can however understand how traumatised you must feel. Can you speak to a doctor? In time the thoughts will start to get better..... You will always remember but you will learn to deal with it another way.

Things didn't go we'll with my first.... 11 years ago and it's like it was yesterday.

All I can say is please talk to someone and remember you are not alone.

Xx

 

[BellaBoo0512]

Thank you for your reply and thank you for taking the time to read my extremely long post! I've considered speaking to a doctor but I'm worried that he/she will judge me and think that I can't cope. I have a history of depression and lost my dad 10 months ago and I'm worried they will think that this is a trigger for post natal depression or something. I just can't for the life of me get it out of my head and I've tried speaking to my friends about it but none of them understand because none of them have gone through the same thing or something similar.

I'm sorry that things didn't go well with your first. How did you get through it afterwards like emotionally? Did everything go okay with your 8 month old? X

 

[Expecting1]

I didn't have as traumatic a L&D but the midwife and doctor took away my epidural and my gas/air so for the actual delivery of my boy I was (involuntarily) feeling EVERYTHING!! I was quite traumatized at first thinking "I had an epi and gas and I still felt everything?!?!?!" Until a week later I realised that I delivered my 8lb12oz boy with an episiotomy and a separate tear, and ventouse cap all without pain relief (I'm still shit scared of the 'flash backs' but I'm proud )

You should be SO proud of yourself for going through all of that! I would have wanted to die as soon as they stuffed up the first epi I can't see how anyone could judge and those 'friends' calling you soft probably BEGGED for epis!

 

[mom2b2013]

Wow it definitely sounds like you had a traumatic experience. I don't think you are exaggerating at all and your reaction is completely normal. In fact there are organizations out there that deal with childbirth PTSD. You might find this website helpful https://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/what_is_trauma.htm
My experience was not quite as traumatic but I did have issues with the epidural which they had trouble getting in because I was starting to pass out from the pain. It didn't completely work either and 1 side of me still felt the pain. Try to ignore the ignorant comments from others if you can because they obviously don't understand.

 

[BellaBoo0512]

Thank you for your lovely replies. It sounds like you both had terrible experiences too I think it will probably get better with time but at the moment it is all so fresh in my mind even though I'm trying my best to block it out.

Thank you for the website, I'll have a look now x

 

[Jadie]

Hugs to you!

I had a long traumatic l&d as well, resulting in a emcs. It is very tough and you do need to work through these feelings. My GP has arranged counselling for me. She has been fantastic and really looked after me! If your GP doesn't understand find another one! It is so important to look after your mental health after a traumatic birth.

good luck!

 

[CordeliaJ]

I very much understand how you feel. My labour & birth was horrific, and it gives me nightmares all the time. I posted this thread the other week in the birth stories section, have a read if it helps to know you're not the only one: https://babyandbump.momtastic.com/b...-labour-delivery-but-hes-here-safe-sound.html

When I saw the midwife for our first baby check up, she said "oh you had an epidural? You won't even need that next time". I was so cross because I felt everything through the epidural, and frankly it barely made a dent as pain relief. I have vowed never to go through this again, but my DH keeps saying he wants more kids which scares me because I honestly don't think I could do it again, the whole thing was like torture. x

 

[maggie111]

It sounds very stressful for you - can you contact a charity for a bit of support? https://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

 

[tinkerbelle93]

I had an emergency forceps delivery too and I felt really traumatised and depressed about it. Nobody really understood me though, I think to a lot of people childbirth is just childbirth and something most women have to do and they can't really grasp the concept of traumatic births and PTSD from them. I talked to my OH about it and he found it hard to understand at first but I showed him the birth trauma association website and got him to read up and he began to understand better how I was feeling and was good support, especially if I had a down day about it and just wanted to cry and have a cuddle.

I'm hoping to have an ELCS next but I think you do have to argue your case to get offered one, the thought of going into labour again makes me physically shake and cry Saying that I do know many people who have amazing births the 2nd time after crappy 1st ones so there is hope

I also had counselling to help in the early months xx

 

[kanga]

Our birth stories are very very similar. My son is over 2 now and I'm expecting number two. After the birth of ,y son I said I would never do that again. I was traumatised for a long time and had pnd.

I'm making plans for a hb and have hired a doula. Talking about my big helped as did writing it down. And getting help for my negative feelings rather than ignoring them. Time is a great healer