Personal opinions on having another child or not after having special needs child

[jessicasmum]

Hi i have 3 children already; DD1 aged 12 years, DD2 turning 3 years next month and DS almost 8 months. DD2 has autism well not been giving the official diagnosis yet but everyone saying she has it.
We are considering having a 4th and final child but my concerns are over mainly about autism, i question will we be able to handle it, will our son also end up autism and also will our future child have autism, can we handle this possibility and is it fair on our family.
I don't want to offend or upset anyone with this question but just wanted to know others people's opinions that are in or have been in similar situation to my family. So my question is did wanting or having another child after having your special needs child change your descion? And what was your personal reasons?
Don't get me wrong i love my daughter so much no matter what, even though times are very challenging but when i see her happy and smiling face it makes it all worth while.
Many thanks in advance

 

[WackyMumof2]

My eldest has Autistic traits but not enough for an official diagnosis. We do know he has SPD and like you, are waiting for this to be confirmed. DS2 has ADHD. DS3 we THINK has avoiding any issues. This baby will be interesting to see. ADHD is genetic where as I believe Autism is an error in the genetic code. I wouldn't stress too much. You have done well with 3. If you want a forth and final baby, don't let the worry of what may/may not happen affect you doing so. Either way, you have one child with specific needs as have I but you also have coped well with 3. ADHD and Autism are 2 completely different diagnosis' so I can't comment on how something could affect you especially because no 2 diagnosis' are identical. Mind you, we never were trying for DS3 but we also want a sibling close in age for him to grow up with too. It means life is going to be more full on but I think it's worth it.

 

[Nibblenic]

Its more likely that ASD is genetic however no one knows. Adhd is a issue with the frontal lobe.

I think if you think of the worse case scenario for your family personally and think you can cope with it then have a 4th. In reality no one can tell you what to do for the best. Like any families with disabled children its something you need to decide between you and hubby. How does he feel about it

 

[jessicasmum]

Thank you both for taking your time and replying.

Yeah i know no one can make my mind up for me just wanted to know others decisions of having another child or not when they already had a special needs child and their reasons why.

Hubby seems to dismiss the subject really, i made a list a few weeks back with questions i wanted to ask him for the reasons not to or to have a 4th for us and one of the questions was about autism and he didn't like the question and said that shouldn't even been on the list, i think he's thinking along the lines of that any child could have a disability and there is nothing you can do to change that. I will bring the subject up again to him but he seems to get very uncomfortable about it.

I feel awful for thinking like this but i had this image of DD2 and DS being close and playing together thats why we had them closer in age but this looks like that this won't be the case at all, DD2 has no interest in her brother or any other children she's just in her own world and i know she is still only young at nearly 3 but i don't see this changing as just part of her autism. DS already loves other kids, always going up to his sister's and getting excited when he sees them. I love all 3 of my children but this sadness i can't shake off because it feels that we have 3 kids but they are all going to be on their own really, we left it too late to have a 2nd child and there is this massive 9 year gap so DD1 is too old to want to play with her brother and sister then DD2 off in her own little world and DS will just be left out. I don't want to sound like a cow but i get jealous when I see or read when mothers go on about their 2 or more children all playing and doing things together and mine feels divided. I would love the 4th child no matter what but I'm so scared that we do go ahead and have this dream still of DS and #4 being close and it just doesn't happen again.
Sorry for going on but i don't have anyone else to talk to about this and just felt i needed to vent my worries.

 

[liz1985]

My d's is 5 and is on the autism pathway but isn't diagnosed yet. We made the decision not to have anymore and dh has had the snip. I personally find ds very challenging and the thought of adding a baby into the mix, especially on a bad day I just knew I wouldn't cope with. I was sad as I'd wanted three and I suppose somewhere along the line always assumed I'd have a third, but I've never regretted the decision.

I totally understand about feeling sad your children won't be close. We also had ds and dd close in age and I had visions of them being close and been friends for life. I had sometimes said to dh that maybe we should have had another for dd as I worry she will be lonely as she gets older and can't have that normal sibling relationship, however some hope for you, my ds is 5 now and can actually play pretty well with dd which at 3 he wouldn't have done. He struggled with children he doesn't know but he and his sister actually can play pretty nicely together.

I think it's a personal devision, I knew I'd struggle, especially if new baby had an additional need but you might feel confident you would cope and could be best decision for you.

 

[maryanne1987]

I have a severely autistic son who's almost 12 and then I have dd who's 2, ds who's 9 months and we are currently expecting another in march. It's a very personal desicion and one only you can make but for us having more children has been the right choice. Watching my son interact with his brothers and sisters is just the most amazing thing, the age gap really doesn't bother him at all and yes I won't lie somedays are tougher than others but that would be the case no matter how many children we have. Recently it's been tough as our daughter has just stated the diagnosis process for autism. But I know no matter what happens we will get through it and she has a fantastic big brother to provide her with support who's already been through it all.

 

[jessicasmum]

My d's is 5 and is on the autism pathway but isn't diagnosed yet. We made the decision not to have anymore and dh has had the snip. I personally find ds very challenging and the thought of adding a baby into the mix, especially on a bad day I just knew I wouldn't cope with. I was sad as I'd wanted three and I suppose somewhere along the line always assumed I'd have a third, but I've never regretted the decision.

I totally understand about feeling sad your children won't be close. We also had ds and dd close in age and I had visions of them being close and been friends for life. I had sometimes said to dh that maybe we should have had another for dd as I worry she will be lonely as she gets older and can't have that normal sibling relationship, however some hope for you, my ds is 5 now and can actually play pretty well with dd which at 3 he wouldn't have done. He struggled with children he doesn't know but he and his sister actually can play pretty nicely together.

I think it's a personal devision, I knew I'd struggle, especially if new baby had an additional need but you might feel confident you would cope and could be best decision for you.

Thank you for replying

Making the decision for our family is only us that can make it but it's good I'm getting to hear from both sides of making that descion.

That is really good to hear that your DS and DD do play together, gives me hope that DD2 might also when she's a little older.

Can i ask where on the spectrum do you think your DS is? Is he verbal? My DD2 is non verbal at the moment just says a random word and won't repeat and might not say another word for months.

 

[jessicasmum]

I have a severely autistic son who's almost 12 and then I have dd who's 2, ds who's 9 months and we are currently expecting another in march. It's a very personal desicion and one only you can make but for us having more children has been the right choice. Watching my son interact with his brothers and sisters is just the most amazing thing, the age gap really doesn't bother him at all and yes I won't lie somedays are tougher than others but that would be the case no matter how many children we have. Recently it's been tough as our daughter has just stated the diagnosis process for autism. But I know no matter what happens we will get through it and she has a fantastic big brother to provide her with support who's already been through it all.

Thank you for replying

That's great that having more children has been the right decision for your family That's what my hubby said that he thinks in the long run it will be good for both of our youngest to have another, just hard to see at the moment the stage DD2 is at.

Do you mind me asking is there other family history of autism in your family? With ours there is no known of having autism, just 3 nephews having speech therapy but 2 of them can talk and one of them for sure i know it's not autism related the other I'm not sure as we don't have anything to do with his Mum and Dad, the one out of the 3 that can't talk yet is nearly 28 months and is my sister's son and I'm not really sure if it could be autism or not with him no one else has mentioned anything with him other than speech.

 

[maryanne1987]

Absolutely no history of autism on either side. Obviously now having one child on the spectrum and potentially another made us think there must have been some history within the family but there really isn't anything. Makes it harder to understand but I do try to not overthink things. Sometimes there just isn't a reason why.

 

[jessicasmum]

Yeah it would make you think that there would of been some family history if its the case you have 2 children with autism.

Do you mind me asking what's the earliest age you thought something was different with both your DS with autism and your DD that's being assessed? Did you notice signs early with your DD? I have one child definitely without autism, one with and obviously I'll be looking for signs in my youngest but I'm realising now that my youngest is doing things that my middle child didn't i think but i don't know if at only 8 months you can really be able to rule out or not, if I'm really honest i think it will shock and hit me hard if DS ends up with autism also because they way his character is already, he babbles, says sounds like hello and hiya back to you and tries to say Daddy also recently, responds to name and smiles when you smile at him and happy to see other children. I would say he's taking to his milestones easier than either of his sister's as well.

 

[maryanne1987]

With my eldest it was obvious from birth things weren't quite right. He couldn't latch from birth and needed special needs feeders. He was massively behind with his milestones, didn't walk till gone two, non verbal till 4. Thank goodness we received plenty of help from a young age and had a great team of doctors who diagnosed him quickly. My daughter is the polar opposite. A very bright alert little girl. Ahead on all her milestones but she was like a wild child. Impulsive, no fear, and massively ahead in growth (she's in age 5-6 clothes at 23 months). Although she can speak she has little to no understanding of others speaking so can't follow even basic instructions, has fine motor issues and lots of sensory issues. At first when it was mentioned I refused to believe she could be on the autistic spectrum. She was so different to my son. I honestly thought it was an over reaction. Its been hard to accept and it's taken me such a long time to come to terms with it but now I've given the go ahead for her to be referred. Just as my son is an amazing boy I know She will grow up to be the same.

Are you in the U.K.? Do you have a good health visitor? You could discuss with her any worries and see what she says. Ours has been fantastic and such a great support.

 

[jessicasmum]

DD2 didnt babble we more realise now, she walked just before 18 months and did the other milestones of rolling, sitting up and standing when she should.

Do you think your daughter had no notice of others talking at an early age or just something you are more noticing now?

Yes I'm in the UK. We are at the start of the assessment stage and so have a paediatrician and have a nurse woman we saw instead of paediatrician on Thursday, i was meaning to ask the question because i thought we were seeing the paediatrician but the nurse woman was a bit much and felt at times i couldn't get a word in edge ways she liked to repeat herself a lot.

 

[Classic Girl]

Haven't read all the responses but I'm SO with you! DS (17) has autism. DS (10) has mood disorder NOS, ADHD and anxiety. I'm 44 and my 35 yo DH wants one of his own. I've not had that awesome experience with my kids. Love them to death but it hasn't been easy! 504's, IEP's, early child pickup, aggression and social isolation/rejection (son) and being kicked out of daycare and told my child had 5 demons in her (daughter and the older she gets, the worse her attitude gets but no demons lol.) I'm tired, spent etc but I want to give my amazing husband his dream! 2 years, 2 losses and tons of months in between. I.GET.YOU

 

[jessicasmum]

Haven't read all the responses but I'm SO with you! DS (17) has autism. DS (10) has mood disorder NOS, ADHD and anxiety. I'm 44 and my 35 yo DH wants one of his own. I've not had that awesome experience with my kids. Love them to death but it hasn't been easy! 504's, IEP's, early child pickup, aggression and social isolation/rejection (son) and being kicked out of daycare and told my child had 5 demons in her (daughter and the older she gets, the worse her attitude gets but no demons lol.) I'm tired, spent etc but I want to give my amazing husband his dream! 2 years, 2 losses and tons of months in between. I.GET.YOU

Thank you for replying

I'm so sorry for your losses and long time TTC, i hope you get your sticky bean very soon

Do you mind me asking, do you worry that your next child will have Autism or ADHD? I seem to be more worried about this than my husband is but maybe he is just doesnt like to talk about it.

Did your child with autism ever play much with the younger sibling? At the moment my DD2 (the one with autism) will sometimes play a very short time with a toy and the best it is both her and DS will be sat next to each other with the toy but not playing together, DS only 8 months but he gets so excited when he sees DD2 with a toy he'll crawl over and want to play too.

Sorry for too many questions but how early did you notice with your autistic child that there was something different?

 

[sequeena]

At this moment in time we are not having another child. Our son most likely has a genetic condition and we are scared to pass it on (the geneticist said that boys would be affected and girls would be carriers). Not only do I worry about passing this on but I worry how we would cope and how Thomas would cope. He is such a handful himself, I'm not sure we could add another child and to be honest I don't know if it would be fair.

I'm trying to be mature about it but it really hurts

 

[jessicasmum]

At this moment in time we are not having another child. Our son most likely has a genetic condition and we are scared to pass it on (the geneticist said that boys would be affected and girls would be carriers). Not only do I worry about passing this on but I worry how we would cope and how Thomas would cope. He is such a handful himself, I'm not sure we could add another child and to be honest I don't know if it would be fair.

I'm trying to be mature about it but it really hurts

Thank you for replying

I'm really sorry, it must be such a hard descion to make

Do you get much help for Thomas? Health professions and his school?

With us i think I'm not thinking maturely when my daughter is at her worst thinking to have another but then she has good times and i think i would love another and we could make it work. It's hard because i don't know with my family if my daughter's autism is just one of those things and it's not genetic it will just be her or not.

 

[Tegans Mama]

My eldest has spina bifida and hydrocephalus and has a lot of health needs. We waited until she was 7 before we tried for another baby. Dd2 is now 16 months and we love having two kids. Don't get me wrong it is hard sometimes but I wouldn't change a thing.

 

[sequeena]

At this moment in time we are not having another child. Our son most likely has a genetic condition and we are scared to pass it on (the geneticist said that boys would be affected and girls would be carriers). Not only do I worry about passing this on but I worry how we would cope and how Thomas would cope. He is such a handful himself, I'm not sure we could add another child and to be honest I don't know if it would be fair.

I'm trying to be mature about it but it really hurts

Thank you for replying

I'm really sorry, it must be such a hard descion to make

Do you get much help for Thomas? Health professions and his school?

With us i think I'm not thinking maturely when my daughter is at her worst thinking to have another but then she has good times and i think i would love another and we could make it work. It's hard because i don't know with my family if my daughter's autism is just one of those things and it's not genetic it will just be her or not.

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply. He has an ehcp, an iep, a placement in a sn unit and therapies at school so on that front he's sorted. It's at home where it's hard. He won't qualify for respite until he's 8. We had a behavioural team involved with him but because of his lack of understanding and general delays they can't help.

Thankfully my husband just stopped working nights so he's around more but he's having to do a lot of hours at the minute which is rough.

It's a really hard decision to make. Some days I think yeah we can do this we can have another. Other days I'm thankful we don't have another.

 

[lusterleaf]

Hi- I am a little late to the game as I do not log on very often but wanted to share my experience. My son who is my firstborn, was diagnosed with Autism when he was 19 months old. He is now 5 years old and considered on the severe end of the spectrum (nonverbal and is developmentally delayed). My husband and I knew we wanted more than one and were willing to take the risk on having another. If the child was special needs then we would do all we could to make sure he/she got the help they needed just like we are with our oldest. My daughter was born a few months before my son turned 3. She is now 2 years old, she is typical and quite advanced for her age. I was very unused to the way she was hitting milestones because I'd never experienced that before. A lot of the time my son seems like he ignores her but I can tell he loves her, he will sometimes go into her room looking for her. And they act like typical siblings, he will try to get a rise out of her by taking a toy, etc.

My dilemma now is in the back of my mind I would like a third because I worry about the future in which my daughter would most likely have the burden of taking care of our son once we are gone by herself , but we financially we can't afford another and the second- there are no guarantees this child would be typical as well.

 

[jessicasmum]

My eldest has spina bifida and hydrocephalus and has a lot of health needs. We waited until she was 7 before we tried for another baby. Dd2 is now 16 months and we love having two kids. Don't get me wrong it is hard sometimes but I wouldn't change a thing.

Sorry for my late reply. Awww that it lovely. How is your little one around your 1st child?