Personal opinions on having another child or not after having special needs child

[jessicasmum]

At this moment in time we are not having another child. Our son most likely has a genetic condition and we are scared to pass it on (the geneticist said that boys would be affected and girls would be carriers). Not only do I worry about passing this on but I worry how we would cope and how Thomas would cope. He is such a handful himself, I'm not sure we could add another child and to be honest I don't know if it would be fair.

I'm trying to be mature about it but it really hurts

Thank you for replying

I'm really sorry, it must be such a hard descion to make

Do you get much help for Thomas? Health professions and his school?

With us i think I'm not thinking maturely when my daughter is at her worst thinking to have another but then she has good times and i think i would love another and we could make it work. It's hard because i don't know with my family if my daughter's autism is just one of those things and it's not genetic it will just be her or not.

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply. He has an ehcp, an iep, a placement in a sn unit and therapies at school so on that front he's sorted. It's at home where it's hard. He won't qualify for respite until he's 8. We had a behavioural team involved with him but because of his lack of understanding and general delays they can't help.

Thankfully my husband just stopped working nights so he's around more but he's having to do a lot of hours at the minute which is rough.

It's a really hard decision to make. Some days I think yeah we can do this we can have another. Other days I'm thankful we don't have another.

Sorry also for such a late reply. That's good that he has all the right things in place at school. We are at the start of the process of the EHCP as my daughter will start nursery school in September but we are worried of the outcome, we need to apply for a nursery place by January but we have been offered a backup of another year at playgroup if needed, didn't want to go down that route really as i want her to start nursery with the rest of the school which she ends up going.

Yeah i know what you mean already Jasmine is doing great at playgroup seems to love her time there but at home it's another story, her sleep pattern can be so crazy with all hangs on what kind of day we will all have.

I know I'm still so back and forth, we already have 3 but with eldest being 12 she doesnt really take much looking after and its like we have the younger 2 which it's like my husband can take care of one and me the other when Jasmine is having her bad times but then I'm thinking how is it going to work with another. I think if we do next year might be too soon.

 

[jessicasmum]

Hi- I am a little late to the game as I do not log on very often but wanted to share my experience. My son who is my firstborn, was diagnosed with Autism when he was 19 months old. He is now 5 years old and considered on the severe end of the spectrum (nonverbal and is developmentally delayed). My husband and I knew we wanted more than one and were willing to take the risk on having another. If the child was special needs then we would do all we could to make sure he/she got the help they needed just like we are with our oldest. My daughter was born a few months before my son turned 3. She is now 2 years old, she is typical and quite advanced for her age. I was very unused to the way she was hitting milestones because I'd never experienced that before. A lot of the time my son seems like he ignores her but I can tell he loves her, he will sometimes go into her room looking for her. And they act like typical siblings, he will try to get a rise out of her by taking a toy, etc.

My dilemma now is in the back of my mind I would like a third because I worry about the future in which my daughter would most likely have the burden of taking care of our son once we are gone by herself , but we financially we can't afford another and the second- there are no guarantees this child would be typical as well.

Thank you for posting

Do you mind me asking but how young of an age could you tell that your first was different? And how young did you notice that your 2nd wasn't the same as your first? My youngest i really think is so different from my child with autism but i keep thinking maybe it's still too young ro rule it out with him, he is nearly 10 months but babbles, smiles when you smile, plays little games with you like throwing a toy back and to, does a fake cough so to get a reaction out of you, he loves to play wity toys, gets excited to see anyone.

Awww that's what my 2 do too with stealing a toy off each other.

Do you have any other family history of autism ìn your family? We dont that we know of but I'm starting to think maybe my nephew might possibly be on the spectrum, he doesn't talk at almost 2 and half just occasionally words like Jasmine and not responding to name only other noises, but i think he plays with toys and makes bit better eye contact.

It's such a big and hard decision isn't it to have another. And like you said there is no guarantee that the next wont have autism too.

 

[Amber3]

I did not read all the replys and I realize this post is not quite new. I just wanted to send you a hug. I completely understand your fears and frustration. I dreamt of a big family with healthy kids. Then we had years of infertility and then a normal child and I wanted one close in age so they could be best friends in life. Well number 2 had Downs. I love both my kids to pieces but it IS hard when you see other people with normal children and siblings who are close in age and play etc. I just wanted to say that I have a big sister who is 7 years older than me. As kids and youngsters we did not have much in common but now as grown ups we are soo close. I think your children can have a great relationship later on even with the age gap. All the best wishes.
(From someone who also dreams of one more child but is not sure...)

 

[lusterleaf]

Hi- I am a little late to the game as I do not log on very often but wanted to share my experience. My son who is my firstborn, was diagnosed with Autism when he was 19 months old. He is now 5 years old and considered on the severe end of the spectrum (nonverbal and is developmentally delayed). My husband and I knew we wanted more than one and were willing to take the risk on having another. If the child was special needs then we would do all we could to make sure he/she got the help they needed just like we are with our oldest. My daughter was born a few months before my son turned 3. She is now 2 years old, she is typical and quite advanced for her age. I was very unused to the way she was hitting milestones because I'd never experienced that before. A lot of the time my son seems like he ignores her but I can tell he loves her, he will sometimes go into her room looking for her. And they act like typical siblings, he will try to get a rise out of her by taking a toy, etc.

My dilemma now is in the back of my mind I would like a third because I worry about the future in which my daughter would most likely have the burden of taking care of our son once we are gone by herself , but we financially we can't afford another and the second- there are no guarantees this child would be typical as well.

Thank you for posting

Do you mind me asking but how young of an age could you tell that your first was different? And how young did you notice that your 2nd wasn't the same as your first? My youngest i really think is so different from my child with autism but i keep thinking maybe it's still too young ro rule it out with him, he is nearly 10 months but babbles, smiles when you smile, plays little games with you like throwing a toy back and to, does a fake cough so to get a reaction out of you, he loves to play wity toys, gets excited to see anyone.

Awww that's what my 2 do too with stealing a toy off each other.

Do you have any other family history of autism ìn your family? We dont that we know of but I'm starting to think maybe my nephew might possibly be on the spectrum, he doesn't talk at almost 2 and half just occasionally words like Jasmine and not responding to name only other noises, but i think he plays with toys and makes bit better eye contact.

It's such a big and hard decision isn't it to have another. And like you said there is no guarantee that the next wont have autism too.

Hi I am so sorry I am replying so late since I don't log on too often. I really didn't have any clue with my son as he was my first and he was always a smiling, happy baby, usually I associated Autism with distant... it was after a year old when I started to question why he wasn't hitting certain milestones like saying mama and dada, and didn't answer to his name or follow simple directions. I also noticed he had an obsession with opening and closing doors and cabinets, and when he was able to walk later on he would spin while looking out the corner of his eyes. I called our early intervention department at 18 months to get him evaluated. With my daughter she started babbling early on, by 10 months she was referring to a baby doll as "baba" so I knew she had emerging language, she would also follow directions, she talked very early on. The only thing I deal with now is she is in her terrible two's and she does tend to copy things my son does.. for instance my son hates his shoes on and takes them off wherever he goes and my daughter does the same.

As far as family history- I have a cousin whose son has Autism but he is higher functioning, not considered severe like my son.

 

[minties]

By the time I knew my son had autism etc, I already had his sisters. He was a typical baby and toddler, the only thing he was delayed on was speech. He didn't say his first word until he was 23ish months (maybe a little sooner).

He was diagnosed with ASD, opposition defiance disorder, anxiety and ADD just before he turned 7.

Obviously he's 'high functioning', but he's still a lot of hard work and we have no support.

I absolutely think having siblings is good for him, Sophie taught him how to role play, and Emma's helped him immensely with his empathy and sympathy skills.

 

[lusterleaf]

I now find myself in the position of wanting a third mainly because now I feel guilty that my typical daughter will most likely have to bear the responsibility of taking care of her brother when I am no longer around. Things that are stopping me though is the cost of another child (daycare especially) and limited bedrooms in the house... and also there are no guarantees that this child will be typical as well.

 

[Tripltemum3]

Im so glad I found this post ! We already have triplet boys that are 6 next week - one of which is suspsected to have autism. He gets a lot of additional support at school and is generally a happy go lucky boy but we do obviously have our bad dayS. We have always wanted four and recently found that I have PCOS so have decided to come off of the pill and see what happens. Its such a personal choice to make and I think it depends on so many different factors but if ultimately if you think you can make it work , then you can xx

 

[Amber3]

Hi there, I know it is an old thread but reading your post I just felt like I wanted to write. I also had two children close in age with the absolute dream that they should grow up happy and close. But my second child has Downs so she has not been keeping up with her 17 month older sister and her 5 year old sister does not want to play with her because she is not really able to talk yet etc. I think by now you have found the answer to your question. I feel that having a child with special needs can drain you a lot, but now I start feeling ready and would love to have another baby. I'd love for my girls to have more siblings. I think it is impossible to say how our children will develop and how good or bad their relationship will be, just try and stay positive. I also would advise you to try out things to treat autism. I don't know if you know Gemiini? Also there are supplements you can try and dietary changes. Personally I started supplementing my child with Folinic Acid and B-12 in November and I have seen real changes in my child. I really feel sad that we as parents are often not helped or informed by doctors. I found the information online from other parents who had good experiences. Anyways, this got long. I wish you all the best and hope you make the right decision.