Petty but sooo upsetting

[Orange lady]

hi girls,
So sorry to post this, when I know it's pretty petty. But it's so upsetting.
I had a mmc in December. My best friend found out that she was pregnant just a month after I did and we were looking forward to sharing our first pregnancies together. However a scan showed that my baby had died at 8 weeks and 3 days.
My friend was not supportive at all. In fact avoided me. When she did email me it was to ask why I was acting so strange (she did know I'd miscarried). She has emailed since telling me things like she is feeling bad as she has had a cold and can't take any medicine due to pregnancy etc. Most of the things are pretty insensitive.
Trouble is, she doesn't see that she's doing it. But now wants to still be my friend and be as close as we were.
Fact is, I haven't seen her since Xmas and I really don't want to see her. I can't explain why, the thought of seeing her fills me with dread.
I have to add, that I have a friend who is about to give birth at any time and a bnb friend, and I couldn't be happier for them. So I think I am moving on.
Does anyone else feel this way?

 

[mama2connor]

Yes, my my friend and i got pregnant 4 weeks apart. I was pregnant first, then she got pregnant the following month. We shared our pregnancys together, and swapped advice with one another. At 16 weeks and 1 day when i was at a scan i found out that my babies had died inside of me a few days previous and so i had to go and have a medically induced labour to deliver them. My friend turned to me a few days after i had my babies and said that i'd have to learn to deal with it, and get over it. We had been the best of friends for 8 years so how could she just say that to me?!!...She's now 14 weeks pregnant, and i should have been nearly 19 weeks pregnant. Now i can't bare the thought of going near her, speaking to her, or seeing her. I feel quite bitter of any pregnancy woman at the minute though so once she's had the baby, that may pass. xx

 

[Orange lady]

unless you have experienced a miscarriage you just don't know.
I think people think you have a period and that's the end of it. My baby may have only been 2cm long but he/she had a head, arms, legs fingers and toes, I know I saw them!

 

[becky77]

It sounds like your friend needs to stop being so self involved and learn a bit of sensitivity, as you are ok with other pregnant ladies then your probably wary of this lady cos you know she may say something that will hurt you. you just see her when your ready .
xx

 

[todteach]

I'm so sorry hun. Sending you .

Although your friend has tried to contact you, unfortunatley she has gone about it the wrong way. She is unaware of the empty feeling that is left after saying goodbye to your baby and pregnancy. And to no fault of her own, I would give anything to have that innocence back again, and I'm sure that you would too.

To you, her pregnancy is a constant reminder of yours. You were very close in dates. I hope for the sake of your friendship, she can come to terms with what you are dealing with, and provide a shoulder to lean on, instead of complaining about herself and her pregnancy. Right now you would give anything to feel the way she is feeling. I'm so sorry that she is acting this way. Maybe remind her next time she complains of morning sickness, no medicine for colds, etc.... that you would love to feel that way. Tell her outright how you feel.

It's just so hard for people to understand the grief that a mother goes through after having a miscarriage. I remember after my first miscarriage, one of my friend's (that i knew since preschool) told me "oh well, it was only your first try anyways", she wasn't able to process that I had been three months pregnant at the time of my loss. And that even though we had only attempted to get pregnant the once, (and it worked!!!) this was our baby. It completly ruined our relationship. I haven't spoken to her since....and this is a friend that I spoke to atleast weekly.

If you are wanting to save your relationship with her, give her a glance at your grief, your anger, your feelings. Tell her "yes, I can prob get pregnant again, but i want the baby that i lost right now. I am suppose to be pregnant too."

Sorry if i seem to be rambling on a bit hun, it just seems that your thread has opened up a sore wound with me. I hope that all goes well with your friend, and that you two can "make up" when you're ready to, so to speak. Sending you .

 

[RobenR]

I have a coworker/friend who was pregnant at the same time as me, right down to the conception date. She m/c'd back in Dec and I lost mine 2 1/2 weeks ago. At the same time she said she's pregnant again. I honestly don't think that I can look at her or talk to her right now. I know exactly how you feel. She's telling me she feels like crap and asking me how my first trimester went so that I can commiserate with the morning sickness. She doesn't seem to realize that it kills me every time she asks.

 

[LeaArr]

My SIL told me the day after I lost my little one that her due date is exactly 2 weeks after mine was minus a day. Some people just don't think cause they don't know what it's like.

 

[Orange lady]

Thank you girls. I was thinking like a right moaner. But since the mc, I feel pretty strong, this is the only thing I still feel like I can't deal with.
I have realised that maybe I don't have to see her. It's up to me after all isn't it? She is just so insensitive. if we met up and she said something hurtful I'm not sure how I would deal with it. So for now I'd rather not put myself in that situation.

 

[rachjim98]

It is amazing how some can be so cruel isn't it.. We lost our daughter Rebecca at almost 20wks Nov 19,2008. On the 27th of Nov (Thanksgiving here in the states) my Aunt calls to tell me she is upset that she didn't know I was even pregnant. She wanted details down to the size and what it was like to deliver my sleeping angel. I have never been so hurt by a family member then I was that day. Then my Mom calls to tell me I was the talk of the dinner(I live out the area so I wasn't at the dinner). I still haven't spoken to my Aunt since then and not sure I when I will. People just don't know how their words can really tear away at your very soul.

Sorry for your loss and just remember if they ever felt the pain we have suffered they would just hug you and let it be.

 

[Schmelly]

to you all. I think that unless you have experienced mc you just don't understand what it's like.

That doesn't excuse some really insensitive comments that some of you have had to deal with, though.

 

[MissingBubs]

Its difficult I'm sure. Like others have said, your friend obviously doesnt understand. Iv got a friend who iv been good mates with for 11 yrs, and before my mc iv supported her through the termination of 2 of her pregnancies. Now that i mc my 1st pregnancy I hate her. I havent spoken to her and can't imagine spending time with her ever again. Mc is such a huge life changing experience. Its surely understandable that we change as people??

 

[UKMummy]

Very sorry to hear about this situation. Maybe at the moment you can't deal with her and the pregnancy......and she can't deal with you and the mc....and there's probably not much common ground for the time being.

 

[sam's mum]

I can't believe your friend has been so insensitive While it might be impossible to imagine exactly how you're feeling without being in your situation, surely anyone who has been pregnant should know that as soon as that baby is there, however small, you start planning out their whole life - and that's a lot to lose

If I were you I wouldn't want to see her either - I don't think you're being unreasonable at all...she's clearly only thinking of herself x

 

[rachjim98]

I was just thinking of when I told my Best Friend of 20yrs I was pregnant again. It took everything in me to tell her. She has been TTC for over 3yrs to no luck. I have 2 beautiful and healthy kids and wasn't planning to get pregnant again when we found out about our daughter.
I live out of state from her so I had to phone her up. She hung up on me and didn't speak to me for almost 2 months. But she came to be right there by my side after I found out my daughter had died.
Sometimes people are insensitive without trying to be. Maybe she just wants her friend back and thinks you to can share in her Joy.
I am not making excuses, but my friend thought I was being insensitive when I told her our joyful news even though it took me 3 hours to dial her # and cried with her.
Hope this gives some light, not sure.

 

[Naya69]

iam sorry to hear your friend is being so insensitive when i found out i was pregnant my friend was also pregnant there was 5 weeks different.
one nite my friend had a bleed and had a scan booked for the following week, i was praying so much that everything would be fine as i didnt know how i would face her knowing i was still pregnant and i felt i wouldnt be able to talk about my baby for the fact i might upset her. then a couple of days later i had a bleed so i went to hospital to have a scan the next day thankfully everything was fine and as i came out of the room my friend was there due to emotions i had forgot her scan was on that day too luckly everything was fine but i too thought in which ever sitution it turned into i just dont think i would of been able to face my friend xxx