Please help - my son has become so mean

[amore]

Hi Ladies,

I am so upset that I am having to make this post.

For the last month I have seen my son slowly changing. He used to be the kind of boy who would stand up for people and comfort people who were upset, and the only 'naughty' word he knew was stupid.

However, he has started saying horrible, aggressive and rude things at home and at school. I spoke to him about it a few weeks ago and we had the whole treat people as you wish to be treated talk and he seemed to calm down. We had a lovely half term and I felt like I had my little boy back.

I picked him up from school today and asked him what he had been doing; he told me about an argument between two of his friends that he decided to join in with (he took the side of the child that was being mean). I don't even want to write down what he told me he (ds1) said as its so horrible. I just don't know what to do, I never imagined my son could say such disgusting things and gang up on another child like that.

I have told him how upset I am with him saying such things, reiterated the fact that if someone does something we do not retaliate, but tell a teacher,asked him if he wants to be a nice person etc, and told him that he has lost his pocket money for the week, and I am going to make him apologise tomorrow.

I don't really know what advice I am looking for - I am just so worried that my son is becoming a bully and I don't know what to do

 

[hopeandpray]

I would talk to the teacher about it. See if he is being influenced by some of the other children. He may be doing it in order to fit it. He may just be saying things for attention or effect, I doubt that he is a 'bad' child and that he really means it. I'm sure it is just a phase. Ask him why he is saying those things and suggest other ways for him to let out his emotions. Don't worry too much about him, he sounds like a nice child going through a bad phase.

 

[amore]

Thank you for the advice you gave me. He really is not a 'bad' child at all, he is so funny, sweet and polite most of the time, and an amazing brother to my youngest.

I had a really long chat with him after I posted and it seemed to get through as he has been good as gold since and stopped saying horrible things. I now know where the influence has come from too which has made it easier to work through with my son.

I also spoke to his teacher, as you suggested, and she made me feel much better about it. It seems that it is a general problem amongst his group of friends (leaving each other out and saying horrible things) and something they are keeping an eye on and addressing x

 

[ashly]

Take away all his games.

 

[usone123]

At that age they are really starting to learn about how their behavior can affect other people - especially feelings. Sounds like you did the right things talking to him and the teacher and figuring out the cause. I would keep checking in with the teacher and make sure he understands that you expect him to be respectful of others even if his friends are misbehaving and that you will be checking on him. Offer positive rewards for positive respectful behavior so he understands that good things happen when he behaves as a young man should.

My DD is 6 and at her school they have a color code system where the kids get a color based on their behavior for the day - blue is great, no issues. Green is a minor issue like talking while teacher was talking or something. Yellow is not good but not horrible - like getting in trouble multiple times. Red means a note gets sent home because it's a major issue. They send a calender of events home in her work folder each day and we have to sign off on whatever color she gets so the teacher knows we see it.

Each day DD comes home I ask her how school was and what color she got and she's proud when she gets a blue and she knows we expect a blue, and if she gets a green (or once she got a yellow) we discuss what she did to get that and what she should have done differently. When we send her off in the morning on the bus the day after she gets a green we also remind her to behave properly and to make sure she gets a blue. The praise she gets from getting a blue seems to work to keep her wanting to get them, she also knows she doesn't get lectured when she gets a blue lol.

not sure if they have anything like this at your DS's school but if he continues to have issues maybe you could request some sort of behavior report that is like this or something similar so it's easy for the teacher but still gives you the basic info you need to address with him.

I've heard of some preschools and kindergartens using red/yellow/green like traffic lights as an alternate color system as well.

 

[elsielouise]

I wonder if you need to make sure you don't punish too harshly too though. He DID tell you why happened and if he feels the sanction is too much you may find him reluctant to tell you about scool eventsnnext time.

I would do everything you've done but also praise his honesty - in context of course. And make sure he understands why he is both in trouble and not. He is learning about peer pressure - that is a difficult lesson but honesty is hard too and I'd rather have nothing hidden.

IMO

 

[steff]

My son is 12. Ever since he started going to big school I made him aware of that there could be bullies around and told him to choose his friends well and to keep away and try to avoid socializing too much with the bullies. Also, I have reminded him that some "words" should never be used in the house since he has younger siblings. Sometimes, he can't avoid picking up stuff from his carpool, and when he talks about things they did, I listen and sometimes explain that some action they did was not right. Now, he can distinguish very well, the good crowd from the bad and he tends to make friends with the good kids. I think it's great that your son opens up to you and listens to your advice. There are some kids who wouldn't really care.

 

[jameswilson]

I think he is changed slowly slowly.At that age they are really starting to learn about how their behavior can affect other people - especially feelings. Sounds like you did the right things talking to him and the teacher and figuring out the cause. I would keep checking in with the teacher and make sure he understands that you expect him to be respectful of others even if his friends are misbehaving and that you will be checking on him. Offer positive rewards for positive respectful behavior so he understands that good things happen when he behaves as a young man should.