Please help not doing so well as a stepmom

[happyladybugg]

If there are any other stepmoms out there (who have got this craziness down pat) and if you feel like being somewhat of a mentor to someone could you please pm me?? I NEED some support and badly!! My stepson (9) is with us until the 25th of this month and I'm already ready for him to go back to his mother! My daughter (8) is a good girl and already I have caught my stepson trying to tell her what a stripper is and also just a minute ago said something along the lines of "i'm not gay" to her (I dont even know if she knows what that means ) uggghh we just simply don't talk like that in our home. The whole situation with my stepson is an extremely loooooong story...His mom is worth a bag of rocks, my dh works alot and is never here when his son is, my stepson lived with us for a year and went back to his mom after $10,000 and a huge custody battle, this poor kid is a big ball of issues and my dh is basically paying his ex (ex girlfriend at that not even a wife) to live she spends none of the enormous amount of money on the kid, she sends him over in rags and packs one pair of pajamas for a two week visit!!! Obviously I have had it!!! I have tons of resentment, anger and anxiety when it comes to my stepson and I also have no one to talk to about it. Anytime I say anything to my dh it turns to an arguement...totally not worth it to me. I'm really hoping someone knows what I'm going through and can offer me a bit of support because I really am at the end of my rope!

 

[TattiesMum]

Awww Hon

Step-parenting has got to be just about the hardest job in the world .... I'm not sure that I'm qualified to advise you as my DH's ex never allowed my stepdaughter to stay with us, and my stepdaughter (now 24) hates me just because I'm with her Dad She is equally anti my 3 kids as well - just because her Dad raised them and she resents that thanks to years of her mother dripping poison

I did have to watch my own mother step-parenting my elder step siblings when they came to stay though ... very badly And, although she was just as horrible to me (though not our younger half sister), those memories still haunt me - my steps had enough to deal with without my mother treating them that way .... I know that they still bear the emotional scars to this day - and we are now all in our 40's So I'm going to offer some tips based on those experiences

The only thing I would say is that it will help if you divorce your step son from the grief that his mother causes you I understand the resentment and anger issues that you have, and I know that it's hard to seperate those from the actual child Deep down though you know that it isn't his fault ... he's only 9 and probably has to hear a lot of nonsense about you and his Dad from his Mum

Try to see him as just a child who you have taken in for a holiday... no baggage, no history - just a little boy in need of some time in a loving family (almost like a foster child if you like) ....go shopping with him for some clothes to wear, sit him down and explain your house rules and ask him what he would like to do while he is staying with you.... treat him as an equal to your daughter and as you would like your own child to be treated if she were staying with another family

 

[mumof2girls]

Hi I am a step mum to an 8 year old boy and a 14 year old girl and my oh has an 18 year old son too but he doesnt live with us..... It is the hardest job in the world, in fact its is so much harder than being a mum to your own children. I really struggle everyday with something and have and sometimes still do feel all those emotions you have towards your step son. My step son tells my 4 year old that she never used to live here and that she has another daddy etc obviously I have to explain that as best I can and I really resent him for that. I have another post on here about my 14 year old step daughter having "cyber sex" I have put up with everything you can imagine but they arent like that now they are both good children but sometimes they do do things that get to me and I have to find a way with dealing with that.

You talk about a mentor in your post and although I dont think I can be that I do think I could offer some great advice and if a problem with your step son arises give you a different perspective because I really have seen it all!

Add me on facebook if you like that way we can chat Im Kayleigh Barker and the pic is of my baby daughter wearing a yellow and orange stripe top and hair in pig tails.

Hang on in there xx

 

[ladyjayne]

Being a step mum is hard work. I've got my stepdaughter here now for the summer. ( 7 weeks!) We get on really well, but each time we have her she's forgotten our "house rules" and lives by her mums way, which is pretty easy going. I dont allow some of the things that she does and SD has to adjust to that. Give your SS time to adjust to being with you agin and if you need to write down the rules with him, make it into somekind of art thing and he'll know whats right and wrong in your home. That way he'll know when he's doing something wrong and you can punish him for it as you would your own child. As tatties mum said, treat him equally to your own otherwise he will pick up on it and play up for you.
I completely understand the resentment thing though, SD's mum puts alsorts into her head and that comes out while shes with us, try to explain to you SS that saying those things isnt acceptable in your home, but remember that he's still only a child and he's probably picked up on that at school or home, so you need to teach him that its not appropriate. My SD came out with racist comments last time because she heard it from her mum, I just explained why it was wrong to say things like that ect and she understood and then asked why mummy said it then??
Anyway its a difficult thing having step kids! i've only been at it for 3 years, I'm sure i've got lots more to learn and to come but you adapt and get used ot it. If I can help in any way PM me.

 

[Janesworld]

Ah, yes, being a stepmom.... tough work.

Let me first say that I love my step daughter dearly! And the following does not apply to all cases....

Stepparenting can feel very powerless, and I think that's the hardest thing for me. Because your expected to love this child and treat them as your own, yet when it comes down to "parenting"- in reality, yours is just an opinion, even when your OH says differently. I imagine it feels somewhat similiar to raising your own child by someone elses rules, if that makes any sense. And I think that's what makes it so difficult.

For me, sometimes I just step back and say, "It's not my kid", as terrible as it sounds. Doesn't mean I love her any less, but for my own sanity I keep myself "in check" that way...

 

[leeanne]

Yes, I am another one to agree that being a stepmom is tough. I am a stepmom to two children who have different mothers.

Thankfully, I came into their life in their toddler years (it's now been over 12 years since I've been with OH) so I wasn't judged as much as some kids who are older and get jealous of the stepmom. However, we have gone through the issues. Custody, child support etc. Dealing with two exes hasn't been fun either.

The kids haven't really been comfortable enough to get close to me until these past 3 years. I think they went through a stage of thinking I may have been trying to replace their mom but I told them a number of times that that's not what I am here for. I also know that their moms did not like me and probably put negatives into their heads about me, but I guess they've come to realize that they won't be getting my OH for themselves ever again. After that, they've been more lovable and sweet.

I also tried to make my OH be the one to discipline them while they were here on visitation. Unfortunately it doesn't seem the situation with you and it looks like you need to deal it out with an OH that works a lot.

With three kids of our own that we share, it has been times when the other two have taught them some bad habits, especially because the stepkids are older and going through their own growth stage, which you have to try and remember too.

Step-parenting is tough and often a thankless job. But if you have the strength, you can get through the hurdles.

 

[leeanne]

Awww Hon

Step-parenting has got to be just about the hardest job in the world .... I'm not sure that I'm qualified to advise you as my DH's ex never allowed my stepdaughter to stay with us, and my stepdaughter (now 24) hates me just because I'm with her Dad She is equally anti my 3 kids as well - just because her Dad raised them and she resents that thanks to years of her mother dripping poison

I did have to watch my own mother step-parenting my elder step siblings when they came to stay though ... very badly And, although she was just as horrible to me (though not our younger half sister), those memories still haunt me - my steps had enough to deal with without my mother treating them that way .... I know that they still bear the emotional scars to this day - and we are now all in our 40's So I'm going to offer some tips based on those experiences

The only thing I would say is that it will help if you divorce your step son from the grief that his mother causes you I understand the resentment and anger issues that you have, and I know that it's hard to seperate those from the actual child Deep down though you know that it isn't his fault ... he's only 9 and probably has to hear a lot of nonsense about you and his Dad from his Mum

Try to see him as just a child who you have taken in for a holiday... no baggage, no history - just a little boy in need of some time in a loving family (almost like a foster child if you like) ....go shopping with him for some clothes to wear, sit him down and explain your house rules and ask him what he would like to do while he is staying with you.... treat him as an equal to your daughter and as you would like your own child to be treated if she were staying with another family

I definitely agree too with the last two paragraphs as well!