Please help! Think I'm falling out of love with my husband!

[rustyswife828]

Hi girls! Ok so... this is going to be long.. but please stick with me...

So me and my DH have been married for over 9 years, we got married when I was 19 and he was 23. Everything was great for the first year and then it went to hell. He got addicted to prescription drugs.. He's got OCD, tourettes, back disease, anxiety, sleep disorder and multiple of surgeries. It got to the point it was so bad he didn't care who he hurt including me. After losing jobs, almost divorcing, counseling.. we're still together... He's sober but takes pain medicine due to his back disease (ankylosing spondylitis) but I help maintain his medicine.

Well here lately we can go a MONTH or even longer without having sex or even being intimate. It has gotten to the point where I am getting unhappy and not feeling close to him at all. On top of all his "disorders" he is NOT an affectionate person at all! Like he doesn't even like me caressing him, touching him...etc...

I have had several.. no multiple talks with him that I need to be loved on, intimate or just be cuddled.. Everytime I talk to him about this he's always like ok I'll try...

So fast forward to what is happening right now...I have been working as an office manager at a pest control company for over a year.. The branch manager and I have been great friends since I started.. Well here lately he's been giving me hints that he is into me and somehow I had feelings for this guy but when I seen he had interest in me it made me even more curious... So he started winking at me.. So one thing leads to another... He starts talking dirty with me and I give him hints that I was interested...

And ok... so apparently this guy is my friend and I have shared almost EVERYTHING with him about me and my husband...So ok yesterday it was just me and him at the office.. It was getting close to our time to get off work... He sits by me and starts talking and looking at me with "hungry eyes"... I seriously thought this guy just wanted sex with me and then move on... But okay... so we had a passionate makeout session... I grab my keys and said I was gonna lock the door and he sat me back down... and just completely shocked what he said next... He said.. Are you sure this is what you want? I mean I don't want you to do something you will regret later... Like he actually cares for me! It didn't go any further but OMG.. I absolutely LOVE kissing and my husband does not... I have not made out with someone in YEARS! Not only was it amazing.. He did the things I always thought was sexy like pull back away from kissing me...like teasing me...so

Going home I actually did not feel guilty at all.. In fact I felt amazing and happy! Me and my DH laid in bed and he started scratching my back but not how I wanted him to.. I asked could he cuddle with me and his first response was... Can we tomorrow.. I'm tired... I said.. Okay.. Couple minutes later he pulls his pillow next to time and tries to cuddle with me... When I say try.. He didn't put his body next to mine.. All I felt was just his arm over my stomach???? Not intimate at all! I can't recall the last time we had sex...

He done the "halfway" cuddle multiple times and it just makes me so mad! I'm giving him everything he needs and wants but where is my end? I cannot stop thinking about this other guy though...

When he stopped us from going any further that told me he actual has feelings for me......

Please be gentle

 

[BunInTheBelly]

My (female) friend was in your husband's position in this situation. She was depressed and emotionally and physically shut off, and her husband grew close to a co-worker, eventually choosing the co-worker over his wife of 10 years.

It has been a terribly tragic situation. I beg you: be open with your husband. Give him a chance to fight for you, and if he chooses not to, that's his answer and you can make your own choices based on that info. I know you've talked to him many times already, but have you said point blank "my feet are out the door unless XYZ happens"?

Secondly, think back to the beginning of your relationship with him. I'm certain there were exciting points, where your heart raced with passion. It's not like he was aloof from the beginning (because if he was, didn't you know what you were saying "I Do" to?). I'll bet there was spice, and then it faded. That will happen to 100% of relationships if both parties aren't working to keep it alive. Even your thrilling adventure with this new guy - it will get stale unless you work at it. Yes, working at it is easier when he's into it, but he himself is not magical. You've got to make the magic together!

Sorry, I'll get off the soapbox now. I just hate how people have bought into this Happily Ever After that doesn't just happen on its own, and they give up and move on.

Finally, if you do choose to move on, that's your call. It's going to be tough either way. But please, if you choose the new guy, don't sneak around. That's just going to make things 10x worse.

 

[aj611]

What a tough situation.

I'm sure the coworker had that new, fun appeal. Try to remember why you married your husband. I know you said your husband didn't really initiate intimacy, but have you tried initiating? Some guys are like that.

It sounds like your husband has a lot going on. Have the two of you explored counseling? It is worth a shot!

Sorry that are in this situation. Just try and remember why you two got married.

How are things now? Have you told hubby?

 

[maryanne1987]

I've had friends in similar positions, where after so long together that spark disappears. They seek that affection elsewhere, and it ends in divorce. Although very often it's been a case of thinking the grass is greener on the other side but it actually doesn't work out that way. I can only give my opinion on this but to me a marriage is worth fighting for. Myself and DH have had many ups and downs over the years. Fighting the PTSD and recovering from his accident in Afganistan while he was in the forces was one of the hardest points in my life. For almost two years while he learnt to walk and talk again he was like a different person , I felt like I didn't know him. I won't lie I thought about leaving him but then I realised that what if the boot was on the other foot? Would I want him there to support me? And of course I would. It was hard, and still is. There's very little physical affection anymore. And he still struggles with what happened but to me the stability of our marriage is more important to me than affection. No there's no spark anymore but we have such a deep love and understanding of one another, I know I could never have that with anyone else. He tends to show he cares in ways I overlooked before but councilling made me see that he does love me, he just struggles to show me. I think you need to decide if you feel that your marriage is worth working on and if you feel it can be saved. Regardless of what you decide to do though I think it very important your honest with him about what happened. I'd also put what ever you have going on with your friend on a back burner for now. You clearly have things that need to be addressed first and cheating will never be the answer. If new man really does have feelings for you he will wait for you whilst you sort out what needs to be so you can be together.

 

[cutestuff]

Hi there have been times in my marriage where I have not felt the spark. My husband and I have been together for 14 years. The first 7 years we just lived together and at the time he was drinking a lot. Our backgrounds are completely different: I have a lot of family hes been an orphan since 13 I am christian and hes at best agnotsic. Anyway about 5 years in he was attending a dui class and he met someone who was more similar and to make maters worse my family and his brother were in our ears a lot making sure we knew they didnt approve of us and our relationship and for him encouraging this other thing to happen. We took a break at the time and we both re evaluated everything and he asked me to try again. now he doesnt drink and we dont talk about our relationship to anyone. There are stil things that we do that bothers the other and we both continue to do and say thigs that are hurtful as that is human nature but we choose each other. It's hard to be married sometimes and there can alays be those what if questions and situatins. Anyway the second you let someone in to your marraige either emotionally or physically you open up your heart and mind to questions and marraige is meant to last forever. It's really hard to go through those rough patches and not wonder if there is someone out there who doesnt make a better partner or friend. While dh and I do hold hands, kiss, hug, and sometimes snuggle we dont make out anymore and while pregnant we didnt have sex for like a year and even now he can go weeks without sex whereas I would like more sex.
My point is you married this guy you may have been young but you made a choice. Being and staying in love is a decision and attitude you choose. I think you should start looking for another job and work on your relationship with dh.

 

[Snflwrgrl]

I applaud you for seeking marital counseling before and for helping your husband by maintaining his medications. That says a lot about you! I'm sorry you no longer feel like you are in love with your husband. That's a really hard! place to be in. :'( I have been married for 15 years and I have to admit I have felt that way before too, bordering on hating my husband at one time for about three years. My husband is a very rough and gruff type of individual and I am a touchy, passionate person. Coincidentally, a few years ago I reconnected with my first love. At first we only saw each other when his family was around. They had been friends of mine years earlier too. It was fun to catch up with all of them but I could tell right away that I was still attracted to him and he was attracted to me. I'm not going to lie, it felt really good. It's a slippery slope and before I knew it, it was just him and I, texting, sending private messages on Facebook, and meeting for coffee. My husband and our marriage began to look worse in my eyes and this new guy was looking better and better. With my needs of intimacy and tenderness not being met at home, I found myself looking forward to seeing this other man. My husband and I were rarely having sex so the flirting and the eye contact was very exciting to me. I began sharing intimate details about my home life with him, feeling like no one had ever understood me quite like he did. I talked to my husband and we saw a Christian counselor. I am so glad now that my first love and I did not go beyond the point of attraction and conversation. I do regret the conversations now, ones that I have to admit, after removing myself from the situation and clearing my head, were not appropriate. I highly recommend! you read a book called, "Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It". I had never heard of the term "emotional affair" before but now that I know what that is, that's exactly what was happening. I think it's pretty common for people to fall in and out of love during their marriage. It takes an incredible amount of work to keep your love alive and sometimes you feel like you are the only one putting any effort into it. But your family is so worth it! The effect of an affair is felt for miles. It affects extended family, your credibility, and your reputation. Looking back now I know nothing good would have ever come out of pursuing someone other than my own husband. I encourage you to tell your husband as I did mine. Consider sharing the relationship you are developing with your co-worker with a pastor or a close friend too, someone who will hold you accountable. It's funny how the things people do in secret are suddenly not as appealing once some light is shed on it. I'll be praying for you this week, that the veil will be lifted from your eyes and you will see things for what they really are. I agree with the previous poster. That exciting, crazy in love feeling will not last forever or with anyone. You have nine years invested in your marriage. That's an accomplishment nowadays and you should be very proud of that fact. The grass is not greener on the other side, it's just different grass. I really hope you will do whatever is in your power to save your marriage. Maybe consider seeing a different counselor. Best wishes to you my friend. I appreciate you sharing your story. I'm so glad you reached out!

Hi girls! Ok so... this is going to be long.. but please stick with me...

So me and my DH have been married for over 9 years, we got married when I was 19 and he was 23. Everything was great for the first year and then it went to hell. He got addicted to prescription drugs.. He's got OCD, tourettes, back disease, anxiety, sleep disorder and multiple of surgeries. It got to the point it was so bad he didn't care who he hurt including me. After losing jobs, almost divorcing, counseling.. we're still together... He's sober but takes pain medicine due to his back disease (ankylosing spondylitis) but I help maintain his medicine.

Well here lately we can go a MONTH or even longer without having sex or even being intimate. It has gotten to the point where I am getting unhappy and not feeling close to him at all. On top of all his "disorders" he is NOT an affectionate person at all! Like he doesn't even like me caressing him, touching him...etc...

I have had several.. no multiple talks with him that I need to be loved on, intimate or just be cuddled.. Everytime I talk to him about this he's always like ok I'll try...

So fast forward to what is happening right now...I have been working as an office manager at a pest control company for over a year.. The branch manager and I have been great friends since I started.. Well here lately he's been giving me hints that he is into me and somehow I had feelings for this guy but when I seen he had interest in me it made me even more curious... So he started winking at me.. So one thing leads to another... He starts talking dirty with me and I give him hints that I was interested...

And ok... so apparently this guy is my friend and I have shared almost EVERYTHING with him about me and my husband...So ok yesterday it was just me and him at the office.. It was getting close to our time to get off work... He sits by me and starts talking and looking at me with "hungry eyes"... I seriously thought this guy just wanted sex with me and then move on... But okay... so we had a passionate makeout session... I grab my keys and said I was gonna lock the door and he sat me back down... and just completely shocked what he said next... He said.. Are you sure this is what you want? I mean I don't want you to do something you will regret later... Like he actually cares for me! It didn't go any further but OMG.. I absolutely LOVE kissing and my husband does not... I have not made out with someone in YEARS! Not only was it amazing.. He did the things I always thought was sexy like pull back away from kissing me...like teasing me...so

Going home I actually did not feel guilty at all.. In fact I felt amazing and happy! Me and my DH laid in bed and he started scratching my back but not how I wanted him to.. I asked could he cuddle with me and his first response was... Can we tomorrow.. I'm tired... I said.. Okay.. Couple minutes later he pulls his pillow next to time and tries to cuddle with me... When I say try.. He didn't put his body next to mine.. All I felt was just his arm over my stomach???? Not intimate at all! I can't recall the last time we had sex...

He done the "halfway" cuddle multiple times and it just makes me so mad! I'm giving him everything he needs and wants but where is my end? I cannot stop thinking about this other guy though...

When he stopped us from going any further that told me he actual has feelings for me......

Please be gentle

 

[amotherslove]

imo, you need to sort out your marriage before you try to move on. this guy MAY or MAY NOT care deeply about you. him being a decent guy and not wanting to go ahead with something you dont want to do does not mean hes the one, or that hes going to stick around. TRUST ME.

if you leave your marriage, it needs to be about your marriage. not about this random guy. im sure he's great. i hope he cares about you... but you need to make these decisions independently as much as possible.

it sounds like your husband is unwilling or unable to provide you with the things you need. i would tell him flat out that if he cant provide these things, then youre considering moving on without him. if the seriousness of this situation doesnt change how he behaves, then nothing will imo.

im really sorry youre going through this. ive been in a very similar place before. i hope you can find the right decision for you.

 

[margeandmom]

Sorry you are in this place of crisis. I went through something like this in a previous relationship, before my now happy marriage. It's a dark place to be in.

You should definitely put the brakes on TTC a baby until you guys are in a more stable spot. Babies and pregnancies are hard enough.

I agree with previous posters that infidelity, no matter how tempting, or "caring" the the guy seems in the moment, is NOT the answer. You may not feel guilty now, but over the long run, it will not only hurt your husband but it will REALLY hurt you.

For what it's worth, any guy who encourages a married woman to talk negatively about her marriage and cheat on their husbands is NOT a decent guy. Please don't convince yourself that he is. (You would not be happy dating this person because if he doesn't respect your relationship to your husband, he likely wouldn't respect any commitments he makes to you.)

Please, please give your husband a chance to respond to you after you clearly spell out your issues. You should probably tell him about the co-worker to show him how serious these issues are for you.

It's possible some of his issues might be deal breakers, and that things are damaged beyond repair. But it's also possible he is just going through a very rough patch.

Sometimes in marriage, "rough patches" can last YEARS (unfortunately).

My husband and I are just emerging from about 5 years of a "rough patch" (first half my health issues, second half his).

It was very hard, and dark and at times miserable.

But I am so glad we weathered the storm! Now we couldn't be more happy.

Please try and seek some professional support too -- a therapist or counselor. It sounds like you need someone objective to talk with (not just a friend who will take your side).

Hope this didn't come off to heavy handed. (This is advice I wish I would have gotten many years ago when I made a big mistake in one of my previous relationships.)

 

[Reiko_ctu]

So, I'm not sure what your marriage vows were.

If they were the traditional marriage vows, it talks about sticking together in sickness or in health, for better or for worse.

Not just, as long as you meet my needs and make me happy.

This isn't really the worldview today, but I would say try and remember the vows you made to each other, even if he's not keeping his vows show him how you keep yours. What Buninthebelly said is true too ^^

 

[LilBunny]

Gosh, it must be really difficult for you... I guess every marriage has its ups and downs and it only depends on how much you and your husband want to save it. If your husband is, let's say a "difficult" man, maybe it's better to get some professional help. At least you'll know you've done everithing you could.

 

[ricschick]

I do agree with the other ladies that if you still love your husband then you should try and make it work but I also think life is too short to stay somewhere you are so unhappy. I don't think you should cheat as this won't solve anything but if you really have tried everything with your husband and tbo it does sound like you have then you need to decide weather it's worth continuing trying or making a clean break. Good luck xxxx