Mango
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by Susanne Bradley, Aug 8, 2007
A true life story of a woman suffering with post-natal depression
https://www.healthmad.com/Women/My-Story-of-Postnatal-Depression.38267
A WOMEN'S FIGHT TO UNLEASH HER MATERNAL INSTINCT
Everyone tells you about that instant moment of love, the elusive rush of love that will forever bond you to your child. But what happens if that rush of love is a rush of panic and disgust?
You spend 9 months planning the birth of your child, constant check-ups, scans, and blood tests. But how do you begin to explain to someone that you hate the child growing inside you? That you feel like it's an alien feeding off you and draining every inch of life from you body?
This is my story of pre and post-natal illness. I will attempt to explain the feelings of failure and the complete embarrassment you feel, as you are due to give birth and deal with the child you've grown inside you.
My story starts in December 2005. I was elated to find the test said "POSITIVE" I was pregnant with my second child. I instantly felt excited about the challenges of pregnancy and the joys of becoming a mother for the second time. I'd had a hard time the first time around, but luckily, the morning sickness passed me by, the tiredness only came at night when I wanted to sleep anyway. I glowed as pregnant women do in glossy magazines and in films.
I went for my first scan, everything was perfect, I felt great, and the baby was great. My family was perfect.
However, by the 20-week scan, my feelings had changed. I was so emotional, shouting at my partner, crying a lot of the time. I'd begun to spend more and more time in bed, entertaining my eldest child with DVD's. Then I got the news that sent me further into the world of depression.
'Congratulations, you're having a girl'
Your probably asking why that was such bad news?
I had a girl, didn't need or want another one. I was already struggling with the pregnancy, emotionally I was a mess. I don't really remember stroking my bump after that moment. I started eating all the time, used the pregnancy as an excuse to eat anything I wanted.
I no longer felt happy about been pregnant, I no longer loved the feelings of the baby kicking, and every kick reminded me that the child was alive.
By 29 weeks, I was overwhelmed by thoughts of cutting the baby out of me and running away. I went to my GP; I couldn't hide the anxiety anymore. She sent me to my local hospital to see the crisis team. They listened to my words, but all the time, in their eyes they were disgusted. How could a woman hate her unborn child?
I spoke to my midwife, she promised me support and counselling. It never came.
My due date came, and went, I was still pregnant. Finally I went into labour. It was a difficult labour, made worse because I didn't want to be there.
After 16 hours, my daughter was born. As she was handed to me, I felt sick. She cried and I felt sick. She made my skin crawl. I handed her back and went to sleep, I was woken up as she wanted feeding and as she was put to my breast the feelings intensified.
I was discharged that day. Free to take this thing home.
I threw myself into been a mum to my eldest, the baby spent most of her time in her cot. I only picked her up if she screamed and as soon as she stopped, she went back into her cot.
No one followed up my feelings, no one asked me to tell them how I felt. I'd become nothing more than a mother.
I don't remember much of the first 14 months of her life. I remember crying when she took her first steps because it meant "it" could move. I remember not even buying her a card for her 1st birthday because I wished she would die and we could go back to how we were before "it" was born.
After a public breakdown at a family planning clinic, I finally started to get noticed, and my GP referred me to a psychiatrist. They diagnosed me with severe post-natal depression. My daughter was nearing 15 months old. Due to this fact, the mother and baby unit wouldn't admit us. They said it would cause psychological distress to my child. But why was I suffering because no one had thought to follow up my pre-natal depression?
I broke down; I was so ashamed admitting that at times I wished my child would die. That at times, I thought about abandoning her. That I wanted her to be adopted.
But as they told me. I didn't ask for this illness, I didn't want this illness, I couldn't control this illness.
Finally I felt like I was in control again. My daughter also receives psychiatric support as due to my lack of communication with her, she has problems with social situations. She's now nearly 2, and I love her so much.
Three days after we started getting support, she had an accident. She fell 8 ½ft down a fire escape. She was taken to hospital and thankfully given the all clear. A miracle. She'd fallen so far, and was only 15 months old, but she was fine. She didn't even have a scratch.
At the time, I felt like karma was biting me in the behind. I'd wanted her to die so many times, and now we were finally getting help she was going to be taken away from me. Now I realise that it was what we needed, I needed to realise she was fragile, precious and MY child.
I don't want to be judged, I don't want pity. I've only written this because most people who are or have suffered with post-natal depression are ashamed. Well, I'm not. I'm not ashamed because it was out of my control, and I do feel I was let down by the NHS to an extent. I live for every moment with my daughters, they are both so special and nothing will change that.
Please don't suffer in silence, you won't be judged. But you can't change post-natal depression by pretending everything is ok, or by thinking good thoughts.
If you, or someone you know is suffering with post-natal depression, there are people who can help. I found a website, where the members have had PND and know what your going through, you can talk in confidence, and get advice from others. They can't give medical advice, but I found it so amazing to find a place where I felt like I fitted in. Be brave, your not to blame.
A true life story of a woman suffering with post-natal depression
https://www.healthmad.com/Women/My-Story-of-Postnatal-Depression.38267
A WOMEN'S FIGHT TO UNLEASH HER MATERNAL INSTINCT
Everyone tells you about that instant moment of love, the elusive rush of love that will forever bond you to your child. But what happens if that rush of love is a rush of panic and disgust?
You spend 9 months planning the birth of your child, constant check-ups, scans, and blood tests. But how do you begin to explain to someone that you hate the child growing inside you? That you feel like it's an alien feeding off you and draining every inch of life from you body?
This is my story of pre and post-natal illness. I will attempt to explain the feelings of failure and the complete embarrassment you feel, as you are due to give birth and deal with the child you've grown inside you.
My story starts in December 2005. I was elated to find the test said "POSITIVE" I was pregnant with my second child. I instantly felt excited about the challenges of pregnancy and the joys of becoming a mother for the second time. I'd had a hard time the first time around, but luckily, the morning sickness passed me by, the tiredness only came at night when I wanted to sleep anyway. I glowed as pregnant women do in glossy magazines and in films.
I went for my first scan, everything was perfect, I felt great, and the baby was great. My family was perfect.
However, by the 20-week scan, my feelings had changed. I was so emotional, shouting at my partner, crying a lot of the time. I'd begun to spend more and more time in bed, entertaining my eldest child with DVD's. Then I got the news that sent me further into the world of depression.
'Congratulations, you're having a girl'
Your probably asking why that was such bad news?
I had a girl, didn't need or want another one. I was already struggling with the pregnancy, emotionally I was a mess. I don't really remember stroking my bump after that moment. I started eating all the time, used the pregnancy as an excuse to eat anything I wanted.
I no longer felt happy about been pregnant, I no longer loved the feelings of the baby kicking, and every kick reminded me that the child was alive.
By 29 weeks, I was overwhelmed by thoughts of cutting the baby out of me and running away. I went to my GP; I couldn't hide the anxiety anymore. She sent me to my local hospital to see the crisis team. They listened to my words, but all the time, in their eyes they were disgusted. How could a woman hate her unborn child?
I spoke to my midwife, she promised me support and counselling. It never came.
My due date came, and went, I was still pregnant. Finally I went into labour. It was a difficult labour, made worse because I didn't want to be there.
After 16 hours, my daughter was born. As she was handed to me, I felt sick. She cried and I felt sick. She made my skin crawl. I handed her back and went to sleep, I was woken up as she wanted feeding and as she was put to my breast the feelings intensified.
I was discharged that day. Free to take this thing home.
I threw myself into been a mum to my eldest, the baby spent most of her time in her cot. I only picked her up if she screamed and as soon as she stopped, she went back into her cot.
No one followed up my feelings, no one asked me to tell them how I felt. I'd become nothing more than a mother.
I don't remember much of the first 14 months of her life. I remember crying when she took her first steps because it meant "it" could move. I remember not even buying her a card for her 1st birthday because I wished she would die and we could go back to how we were before "it" was born.
After a public breakdown at a family planning clinic, I finally started to get noticed, and my GP referred me to a psychiatrist. They diagnosed me with severe post-natal depression. My daughter was nearing 15 months old. Due to this fact, the mother and baby unit wouldn't admit us. They said it would cause psychological distress to my child. But why was I suffering because no one had thought to follow up my pre-natal depression?
I broke down; I was so ashamed admitting that at times I wished my child would die. That at times, I thought about abandoning her. That I wanted her to be adopted.
But as they told me. I didn't ask for this illness, I didn't want this illness, I couldn't control this illness.
Finally I felt like I was in control again. My daughter also receives psychiatric support as due to my lack of communication with her, she has problems with social situations. She's now nearly 2, and I love her so much.
Three days after we started getting support, she had an accident. She fell 8 ½ft down a fire escape. She was taken to hospital and thankfully given the all clear. A miracle. She'd fallen so far, and was only 15 months old, but she was fine. She didn't even have a scratch.
At the time, I felt like karma was biting me in the behind. I'd wanted her to die so many times, and now we were finally getting help she was going to be taken away from me. Now I realise that it was what we needed, I needed to realise she was fragile, precious and MY child.
I don't want to be judged, I don't want pity. I've only written this because most people who are or have suffered with post-natal depression are ashamed. Well, I'm not. I'm not ashamed because it was out of my control, and I do feel I was let down by the NHS to an extent. I live for every moment with my daughters, they are both so special and nothing will change that.
Please don't suffer in silence, you won't be judged. But you can't change post-natal depression by pretending everything is ok, or by thinking good thoughts.
If you, or someone you know is suffering with post-natal depression, there are people who can help. I found a website, where the members have had PND and know what your going through, you can talk in confidence, and get advice from others. They can't give medical advice, but I found it so amazing to find a place where I felt like I fitted in. Be brave, your not to blame.
x
