Pregnancy after a loss...when will/did you tell?

[KahluaCupcake]

I'm a little torn, and preemtively so.
I'm on my first cycle TTCAL. Ella was so wanted and so loved by everyone already...by us, by family, by friends. As my mother even put it, "she was my baby too."

I want a baby so badly, but like all of you, it seems, I am terrified of pregnancy. I was so calm and happy for 11 weeks with Ella, content with the knowledge that this baby was so wanted, there's no way she would leave us, and that nothing would go wrong. This next time, I'm going to be a nervous wreck.
To add salt to the wound, a baby at my mother's daycare died of SIDS just a couple weeks ago, and it again brought up fears....why go through pregnancy and the scares of miscarriage, just to have an infant and have them die? I don't think I could deal with it.

So I guess I'm back to my question, sorry for the rambling.
How long did you or will you wait to tell your OH? To tell your family? Your friends? Coworkers?
This last time it was instantly.....I was so excited and we had tried for so long and so hard.

I've even toyed with the idea of waiting at least a few weeks to even tell my OH. I don't know what I'll do in the moment when I pull up that BFP. Last time I managed to not tell OH for almost 24 hours...I had him meet me after work for dinner, and gave him a card telling him he was going to be a daddy.
That night I found out, I couldn't sleep from excitement. I was laughing, I was crying, I was writing to our child while she was just a bundle of cells. I was picturing myself nine months in the future, holding my child, singing to her, looking into her eyes....
I don't know if it will be quite so special this time.
Or will it?

 

[Ladyfog]

First time I planned on waiting until 12 weeks but miscarried at 11+6 - I think that was harder as had to tell my family I'd been pregnant and had a miscarriage at the same time. The second time I told close friends and family at about 6 weeks. I'm glad I did as they were able to share my excitement and I was able to enjoy the pregnancy with people that cared about me - it also meant they could comfort me when I started to miscarry again. Both times I told DH straight away - they were his babies too. I Hope this helps.

 

[piranha]

I had the same thought after the first MC - i wont tell my DH straight away (of course i couldn't keep it). And now after 3 losses next time i think - i wish i could keep it from everybody for the first 12 weeks, especially from myself to stop all the worrying and heartache

But if seriously, my DH from the first time always told me not to tell people too early, but why not??? It's not going to change anything anyway...
I think telling certain people and talking about it helped me through it. After the first one, the only people i decided to keep in the dark was my closest family, cos i knew my mum would worry too much.

 

[confusedprego]

I'll tell my DH right away but that's because he's usually the one telling me to go take the test =P

We've decided we're going to try to wait to tell people until after the first U/S (even our immediate families). Our mothers and a couple siblings have asked that we tell them as soon as we find out as they want to be able to support us right from the start. I'm going to see how I feel when it happens if I need to talk about it with someone I might tell a couple people. We'll see.

Last time I didn't tell anyone at work and I don't plan to next time until after the 12 week mark. DH only told work once it ended so he could take a few days to be with me.

Hope this helps, and I'm so sorry for your loss and wish you the best of luck in your next pregnancy

 

[SabrinaKat]

I told my dh when I did the pregnancy test, so had missed my period. I had to tell my immediate boss as was starting to spot brown around wk 5 and unfortunately, had two-three weeks of bleeding and spotting, before finally having an m/c at around 7-8 wks. That was in August 2009.

We continued trying and I may have had two chemical pregnancies, but this time, and with erratic periods, didn't even do a pregnancy test until I had missed two periods -- however, we were a month or so before IVF, so was already taking folic acid, vitamins, not drinking, etc., and did the pregnancy test, also, it was psychological in that if I were pregnant, I would be about 8 wks and therefore, past the m/c time from before. I told my overall boss and emailed my parents (in the US), and saw my GP who arranged an early pregnancy scan. At 12 wks, we took the 12 wk scan down to my MIL and told her. I am now 17wks+3 and we are cautiously hopeful. I now have a big bump (I'm 5 foot tall), but are taking it one day at a time....

best wishes.

 

[jennijunni]

you know this is tricky. I had an early MC at 6-7 weeks years ago before I had my second DS. I was so upset, and was so scared to tell anyone when I was pregnant again, and I did not until I was like 5 months pregnant. The same was true with #3 and #4 and I was fine with that. Then I was pregnant with #5, we were NTNP, and were shocked to end up pregnant after my first PPAF. I of course told my DH, and my immediate family, but again, I did not want to tell anyone else, for fear of MC. So we waited, and waited, and did not even tell our children, since we have teenagers, and we did not want the world to know. So we told them on Mothers Day of this year, I was a tad over 12 weeks, and they were so excited!! We were slowly sharing with others, but still cautious, and still not wanting the world to know. I dont know why were cautious, I guess I like to keep pregnancies to myself as long as possible, so people are not constantly asking me when I was due, how I felt, ect. Then our baby boy died and I delivered him at a few days shy of 17 weeks. I was devastated. And at that time, I wish I had shared him with more people, so more people could grieve for the loss of this little sweet spirit. To me it made his life seem trivial, and not important, since no one knew about this baby I had loved so much. We are now pregnant again, and while we have not told our children yet, and friends, I will next Friday, that is my 8 week check up and US. And this time my childs life will have validation, even if the worst happens, which I dont think it will. So that is where I stand on the issue. I have been on both sides, and I want more people to rejoice with me, then be scared for me, KWIM?? Hugs to you!!! I am truely sorry for your losses!!

 

[greeneyes0279]

I'll tell dh immediately. I have to. He's as much into this as me and he knows when it's time to test, lol. As far as family and friends go, it will be when I'm ready to tell them. If that's at 6mths along, then so be it. It was devastating to have to tell everyone that I had lost the baby. I didn't get much sympathy from some of them when I miscarried. I was told to just get over it from my sister. It will be easy for us to keep it from family and friends as we live 1.5 hours away from them and rarely see them.

 

[Ladyfog]

greeneyes, I can't believe your sister and others were so horrible! I suppose when you tell other depends on your experiences - I had nothing but love and support on both occasions but I know not everyone understands what it's like to lose a baby.

 

[chirizma]

I really dont know.
with my other children I had a obnoxious urge to tell everyone asap, and I did and everything turned out okay. With my M/C though, I was quite the opposite. from the beging I didnt want to tell anyone, which is unusual for me. I told DH of course, but something in me said..dont tell too many people incase soemthing goes wrong. I look back now and think somewhere inside I must have known something wasnt right. So anyways I went with the urge not to tell anyone in less I had to, which made it easier when I had to tell them I had M/C. However, now Im not sure it was easier. I mean it was easier at the time, but like a PP said...it feels like there was no celebration of the Life I carried, even though it was only for almost 8wks. and I am not liking that outcome. kinda makes me feel like the baby I lost was my dirty Lil secret or something and it wasnt. It was very much wanted and loved and now I feel like I did bad by that child by taking the short time of Joy it we had with it, and not sharring it as obnoxiously as we did our other children.
So I am very conflicted..I have no idea if I will be strong enough to share with everyone next time I get pregnant, but I hope I am. I hope I am stronger then the fear I know I will have, so that even that even if its life is short everyone can enjoy whatever time we get with it.

 

[LisaL79]

I told DH straight away the 3 times I got a BFP. First time, was so wonderful. So excited and nervous and hopeful that we'd finally have our family.
That all went out the window with the 2nd and 3rd though. The innocence of getting a BFP was completely gone. I told him both times and I dunno.. just sort of shrugged.
If we ever get one to stick, we're not telling anyone until I'm in the 2nd tri. Maybe longer than that if we can manage it. I'm a big girl so I shouldn't start to show.

 

[Ladyfog]

I told DH straight away the 3 times I got a BFP. First time, was so wonderful. So excited and nervous and hopeful that we'd finally have our family.
That all went out the window with the 2nd and 3rd though. The innocence of getting a BFP was completely gone. I told him both times and I dunno.. just sort of shrugged.
If we ever get one to stick, we're not telling anyone until I'm in the 2nd tri. Maybe longer than that if we can manage it. I'm a big girl so I shouldn't start to show.

I know what you mean - I'm so jealous of all those women who are still so innocent and excited like I was the first time! We'll get our sticky beans one day though.

 

[PugLuvAh]

The first time I got my BFP my hubby was away, so when I picked him up at the airport I gave him the pregnancy test and we were so happy (we had been trying a year). We were devastated to lose our baby almost 6 weeks later. We hadn't told anyone we were pregnant (we were planning on waiting till the first scan).

The second time (which was only 2 weeks after my miscarriage) I took the test because I knew something was off. I didn't say anything, I just handed him the postitive test--he didn't really say anything either, just "oh". I went to another room and cried...I was so happy to be pregnant again, but so scared and sad about the last one. It was completely different this time. We didn't really talk about it at all for a good 2 months or so. We didn't tell our families till 16 weeks, because I didn't want to jinx it and have to take our good news back. We told friends a week later.

The miscarriage has definitely made me more cautious about sharing our news, and I have definitely suffered from some paranoia. I get a little more confident about it each day, but I doubt I will ever truely relax about being pregnant.

 

[kmp]

I posted a similar thread "DH and I disagree on when to tell next time, am I alone on this". Not sure if that is the exact thread name, but it was only a week or two ago. My DH is stuck on the idea of waiting to tell extended family and friends, but I don't want fear to lessen the excitement of a pregnancy. I know I will still be excited if I don't tell everyone, but as stated in a PP a MC is not a dirty secret and nothing to be embarrassed about. It is like getting your heart broken, it is difficult to put yourself back out there, but the only way you can find true happiness and love is to put your whole heart back into it. Hoping I will have to make this decision in about 3 days as I am 11 dpo!!!

 

[ladydray]

I have thought about this a lot and i think ill tell close friends and family but not spread the word..... I think a lot of it stemmed from when i had keilan EVERYONE knew and i got that awful pity and peoiple would cross the road to aviod me and i didnt wantb that again, but i cant wait untill 33weeks to go oh im pregnant cos everyone will have already seen! so i think ill just tell people i want to know and hope for the best........

 

[wookie130]

Well, my next BFP (if that ever happens, at this rate), I'll definitely tell my husband. But everyone else...I think I'm going to have to wait until I have a few good scans under my belt first. My OB/gyn is going to scan me between 7-8 weeks, as I had a mmc @ 10 weeks...the baby ceased to develop around 6 weeks. I thank GOD that this is what they plan to do, because the thought of waiting until 12 weeks, only to find out that the LO stopped growing again is simply too much. I feel that I will probably wait until I have at least 2 promising scans this next time around to share the news, even with our immediate family.

 

[Nikki_d72]

I'm pretty undecided on what I'll do the next time, if I'm ever so lucky. On one hand I want to keep it to myself (I would always tell DH straight away) but on the other I also feel it would be a disservice to the baby to keep it a secret, DH feels this way too. I'll probably tell those who have been most understanding about my loss and the rest can get stuffed. I'd be a bit wary of telling my family though as they are all the way in Scotland and will worry themselves stupid, especially my Mum who's a natural worrier anyway but she is also in so much pain for me it would be nice to give her something nicer to think about. Oh I don't know, I'll probably follow my heart if it ever comes to that point! Sorry, I'm not much use, am I?!

The biggest dilemma for me would be when I would tell our 8yo DD, she is desperate to be a sister and is on my case all the time to try again. It was so hard watching her go through this greif though I really would rather it was certain before we tell her, but as we now know, nothing's certain, is it? It would be impossible to hide a bump from her too!

All the best to you all TTC your rainbows and H&H 9months to those of you lucky enough to be carrying your rainbows already - I hope you can relax enough to enjoy it xxx

 

[BERDC99]

I have decided next time I will wait until atleast four months to start telling people. I get si tired of people asking me how I am doing. It is a constant reminder of what happened.

 

[cupcakey]

My husband and I have talked about this and we've decided that we will keep it strictly to ourselves until the 12wk scan. This time he got a little excited and told a few people at work and then I miscarried a few days later. I know that when we tell people won't make a difference to the outcome but I will be so cautious of something bad happening again that I couldn't bear to have everyone fussing over me all the time, even though they mean well. We're going to keep it as something special between us until we've got our heads around being pregnant again and are ready to share it with everyone.

 

[SarahJane]

I am undecided, some days I think I will tell people at 4 weeks and others I think I will hide it until people guess.

TBH as I lost my daughter at 23 weeks ish, I see no real reason not to tell people as in my eyes there is no safe time to tell people!

Having said that, I have had 2 chemicals since April and haven't told anyone so maybe I will wait a while.

TBH I think I will be that stressed when I finally get a sticky BFP that I will just go with the flow and do what feels right at the time

Sar xx

 

[Smiler82]

For me I think next time we'll be keeping it secret. DH will know straight away, but after having two losses, I just feel like I want to hide myself away. If I can keep it quiet til 20 weeks then I'd love to do that.

Sad to say that with both my losses (which I announced at around 6 weeks, then lost #1 @ 10 wks, #2 @ 12 wks), I didn't get a lot of support. That has been really hard to deal with, but I guess I have learnt that the only person I can truly rely on is DH. So I feel like if I ever get pg again I just want to keep it as our special little secret. It sounds silly but I feel like if we just hunker down and be a bit reclusive for a few months, it will all be ok. I think I will talk to people online though, since there is a level of anonymity on here and you know that when you post, you'll get responses from people who understand and won't brush off your worries.