Pregnant after loss at 21+3

[Munchkin30]

Hey all,

I lost my DD Rowan in March this year at 21+3. She had severe hypoplastic left heart syndrome. We spent 12 amazing hours with her and told her how much we loved her and I have her foot and handprints on a chain around my neck all the time. We'll never fogey her but I truly feel blessed to have known her so I am living with the loss in a positive way.?

I am now pregnant again and due next April 1st. Last July I also had a mmc, found at my 12 week scan. I am in a pretty good place at the moment, I've joined a gym and I'm eating well and having acupuncture and trying to keep calm and in control. I've even started meditation!

BUT I'd love to be able to speak to someone who's been through this and survived another pregnancy because the mountain in front of me feels enormous right now.

Thank you for reading xxx

 

[Andypanda6570]

I have no experience, but I wanted to say Congrats.. I wish you all the best. I am so so happy for you..XOOX So sorry for your loss of Rowan XOooXO

 

[Munchkin30]

Thank you hon xx

 

[Lottelotte]

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I am sorry for your loss of baby Rowan. What a beautiful name.

I can tell you alittle of my story.

I lostmy son Rory in October 2012. His sister Eleanor was born in August 2013. When I lost Rory my whole world fell apart. I thought I was past the 12 week danger zone and evrything would be ok, and then it wasn' t. One dayeverything was fine, the next my worldwas completely shattered. I woke up on a saturday morning, Rory moving nicely,that evening i couldn't feel him, and i couldn't pick up his heartbeat on my doppler. I knew then that it was over. My dh thought all was fine, he was still small and had moved into a differnt position. Sunday morning,my 6th wedding anniversary we went to labour and delivery to be told I am sure all will be fine, but it wasn't. I delievered him 2 days later. He. Was breathtakingly beautiful. I love him with every bit of my being and was (and still am) completly devasted.

I also lost a little girl (found after testing) in August 2011, and couldn't believe that i could be so unlucky again.

I ached to be pregnant again and fell pregnant quickly after. That pregnancy emotionally was horrific. I feared i had lost her so many times. I had lots of scans and each one showed she was perfect. I could barely dare to believe it. I had an easy pregnancy physically and loved getting bigger and feeling her move, but evrytime i couldn't feel her move I paniced, yet logically i knew i couldn't feel her all the time and she needed to sleep! I had really good care and also saw a counsellor which helped me alot. She was born at the end of August, 6 weeks before Rory's first birthday and 2 years and 1 day after losing our first baby. On his birthday we went to the crematorium and let off 3 balloons, one from each of us.

I'm not sure i have much advice, except take it day by day, hour by hour. I cried so many tears during Ella's pregnancy, for guilt for my son, for fear for Ella, for how I would feel when she arrived,if she arrived safely, for everything.

I wish you a quiet pregnacy. Rowan will know how much you love her always.

Xx

 

[mhazzab]

I'm so sorry for your losses
I have PM'd you xx

 

[Munchkin30]

Thank you so much lotte lotte and thank you for sharing your beautiful story. How many weeks was Rory when you lost him? I hate the first trimester anyway. With my dd I cried for most of it and I hadn't lost a baby at all then! In the last year I've lost a 12 week pregnancy and carried my dd to 21 weeks and now pregnant again so I'm expecting it to be hard but I know I have a lot of stuff to deal with that I don't even know about yet! My akin coping mechanism so far is when I feel patanoid and negative and stressed I make myself do something I have got control over like taking my vitamins or having a glass of water or even just taking a deep breath. It's all got to be good for the baby.
I loved most of my pregnancy with my dd, all the kicks and my gorgeous bump and the maternity clothes and planning so I'm determined not to let this take away all the joy of this pregnancy, it may well (hopefully!) be my last and I refuse to lose that joy.
I love the idea of the balloons too. On Rowan's due date we went to the crematorium and took flowers I picked from our garden. One was a branch from a tree planted in my mums ashes xx

 

[LilFooshFoosh]

Hi Munchkin,

I can't say I have a successful pregnancy after my 2nd tri loss (also in March this year), but I can definitely understand what you are going through. We found out a couple of weeks ago that I am pregnant again.

I have an almost 4 year old. We tried for several years for number 2 and finally got pregnant naturally in Nov 2013. I was due August 29th. We lost our son, Liam, at 17ish weeks (he measured 19w5d when he was born) on March 22nd, 2014, we got to hold him, but he had died during birth. I posted my full story in this forum back when it happened.

Well, like I said I am pregnant again and I'm due March 22nd, 2015, exactly a year after Laim was born.

I have my first US later today and I am just a wreck. I have had 2 chemicals, during our IVF attempts, but have not had any other 1st tri losses. I am still scared to death that we won't find a heart beat. My DH is also out of town, as is my mum, so I will be going alone today- I think this is also contributing substantially to my anxiety.

I have been lurking in the forums for the last couple of weeks, feeling out of place. I don't really want to join the regular March 2015 group as it is so big right now and most of the ladies won't understand how I feel. I also don't really want to join the PAL March 2015 group because most of the ladies there have experienced 1st tri losses and I feel like they have enough to worry about without me coming in and pointing out that making it to 12 weeks doesn't mean you are out of the woods (not intentionally, but just by being there).

I am glad I came back to this forum. I am hoping you would be open to chatting while we both try to get through our current pregnancies.

LFF

 

[Munchkin30]

Hi there! Thank you so much for messaging, I've put in a friends request. I know just what you mean, no one quite gets it. In the pal April 2015 group is a lady who was in the pal July 2014 group with me but lost twins in the 2nd tri but other than that they're early losses. It's such a long long journey isn't it? How many weeks are you now then? I've got my first scan Thursday 14th August when I'll be 7+1.
Hope it all went well. Keeps posted hon. Massive

 

[LilFooshFoosh]

Hi!
7+2 for today's scan. Baby measured a little behind but both my boys did too and had caught up by the 12 week scan, so I'm not worried about it. HR was 141 bpm and was such a relief to see.

I feel like each day is a small victory, but today was a pretty big one. I got more anxious the closer the appointment got. I hope your appointment goes well too!

Thanks for telling me there is someone else in the PAL thread with a 2nd tri loss, I will probably post in there too then.

Just so you know, I am in Canada, so a totally different time zone!

 

[Munchkin30]

Brilliant news hon xxx what a relief. I've never had a scan before 8 weeks so I wasn't sure what I'd see before then but if I get to see a heartbeat I'll be happy. I had an 8 week scan with my mmc and although it had a heartbeat it only measured 6+6 and I think at that point I knew it was a going wrong but the mw assured me it was ok but by 12 weeks baby had only grown to 8+6 with no heartbeat I bloody hate scans now!! I've had early scans with my dd, the mmc and Rowan but this is the first 'official' one, the others have been private. There are bereavement midwives at my hospital and they have been truly amazing. So supportive.

 

[patch2006uk]

I had a fullterm stillbirth in Feb last year, and my 3rd baby was born in March this year. The pregnancy was hard, and I worried constantly. I also felt that I didn't really belong amongst those who had 1st (or even 2nd, in my case) tri losses. I didn't want to be the one constantly reminding people that a healthy pregnancy is no guarantee of a healthy baby. However, for my own sanity I had to believe that things would be ok. I could never have gone through another pregnancy truly believing that the baby wouldn't come home.

This will be a worrying few months. You probably won't relax into pregnancy. You might wake up every day frightened that that's the last time you'll feel your baby move. Try and enjoy the kicks you do feel. If that's all you're going to have to remember this baby, then try and make some nice memories of the pregnancy. Hope that things won't repeat themselves. All you can do is keep hoping.

Wishing you healthy pregnancies and screaming babies x

 

[LilFooshFoosh]

Munchkin, I'm glad that you are getting good support through those midwives! It is so important. I really like my obgyn, he listens to me and if I say I want to do something (like an early scan or not do a test) he will hear me out and give me advice but he doesn't push back. He and his assistant have been really good since my loss too, they have seen me quickly so I don't have to sit in the waiting room with a bunch of gushy preggo ladies.

I am also supposed to be referred to a high risk clinic, I don't know if that means I no longer get to see my obgyn. I have heard very good things about the clinic but I also heard that appointments may take a few hours due to wait times.

Thanks Patch for the pep talk! I have been trying to be optimistic this time around, as you said we have to believe that everything will work out. I have taken my due date being the same day as Liam was born as a good sign, like he is invloved and watching over us.

 

[Munchkin30]

Thanks patch for your words xx
I'll get specialist scans at a fetal medicine centre in a hospital in Birmingham, about am hour away. I'll have scans at 12 and 20 weeks and maybe 15-16 too then growth scans at 30 and 36 weeks because my dd was underweight.
I had an urge to go through Rowan's memory box and I found a frame with her prints on that I'd forgotten about. I found a scan pic and a pic of her footprints and made this. Still can't believe how perfect she was xx

 

[LilFooshFoosh]

That's a beautiful momento Munchkin! We did get any prints but I did take a picture, we haven't printed it but I definitely have backed it up in several different places.

We have a box full of Liam's stuff; scan pics, the crib card from the hospital (they made one for us even though he didn't make it into a crib), a onesie our older son picked out, a book, a candle that we have lit a few times & will light again on his due date. I also made a bracelet with his name and I bought a necklace with 3 charms- his initial in a heart, the March birthstone & an angel wing. In the back of my mind I am terrified something will happen to his stuff and I won't have anything to remember him.

I know I will have memories but it is nice to have something tangible.

I hope everything is going ok with you! I'm fine, I've been tired and DH isn't home until tomorrow so I have been trying to do too much on my own. Having a party this weekend for our 30th bdays (his was Aug 4th, mine's the 13th) so at least there is something to keep my mind busy after work, but I am trying to leave all of the physical stuff for when DH is home.

 

[LilFooshFoosh]

Heya! Just checking in

When is your next appointment? You are over halfway to your 12 week scan!

My doc just went on holiday for 2 weeks. I have an appointment when he gets back but I was really hoping he would send my referral to the high risk clinic before he left. Oh well!

Lots to do this weekend. I'll check back on Monday

Have a great weekend