Pregnant and divorce ?

[Anonymous02]

Hey everyone !

Well I'm 24 weeks pregnant with my DH . This is our second child together(planned) & we also have a 9 year old ( step daughter ) & 7 year old both of ours daughter . We are young only 25! Married for 3 years dating for 8 .

Dh and I got into a few arguments because I was feeling irritated and not myself (due to other stressors) . Before these arguements we were happy and had an amazing relationship . Well DH now is telling me that he feels that I am controlling and manipulative because I always get what I want and if not I whine and argue . Which I do completely agree at times I did act like a spoiled brat now he says enough is enough he's fed up and done . I tried to apologize and tell him I'm going to work on it but he's not convinced and says he's done.

We still currently live together and he does say that he loves me but he doesn't want to be 5 years down the line going thru the same thing . I have been changing by not being on top of him or controlling . He still isn't convinced . In the begining I did do the begging crying pleading but now I just give space we don't text or call unless necessary .He doesn't want me leaving and he doesn't want to leave -- we still sleep in the same bed and occasionally have sex . In front of the kids we act like everything's fine . But when we're alone we're distant and civil but he still saying he's done .

We are still fixing the house up because baby boy is coming In 3 months ! But I don't know what to think ? Is this a separation for now or are we really done ?

 

[Gemini19156]

Have you considered going to marriage counseling? And/or both of you seeing a therapist individually? With everything you guys already have going on I'm sure it would be helpful to have some outside perspective and professional guidance.

 

[Anonymous02]

actually I have suggested it but he doesn't like to speak about this feelings and said he doesn't want to .

 

[Gemini19156]

Hmm - I'm sorry you're dealing with such a difficult situation and a partner who won't communicate. Unfortunately, the only people who can answer your question ("Is this a separation for now or are we really done?") are you and your DH. Whether he likes talking about his feelings or not, y'all are going to have to have that conversation sooner or later. If he's unsure what he wants then I would still recommend therapy, there are even online options available if he'd be more comfortable with that than speaking with someone face to face. And there would absolutely still be benefit for you in going to speak to someone, even if he will not. Might help you understand why you were behaving that way to begin with and what you ultimately want from the situation. Hope that helps, wish I could do more!

 

[Anonymous02]

Thank you ! Yeah I understand now why my behavior was like that and how wrong it was but each time I try to talk to him he just says he'a fed up and doesn't want do it again . I'm honestly torn

 

[Gemini19156]

I'm sorry, hon, that sounds really tough. At the end of the day a marriage requires the full effort of two people though, so if he won't put in any effort there's only so much you can do.

 

[BrendaJ]

I'm sorry, hon, that sounds really tough. At the end of the day a marriage requires the full effort of two people though, so if he won't put in any effort there's only so much you can do.

I totally agree with this. You're trying, acknowledging your flaws, but if he's not willing then you can only wait until he is. It sucks, but I do truly wish you the best and hope you guys can work it out. Continue to try by changing your behavior and being a little compassionate towards him in ways you'd normally overreact! Best of luck!

 

[WackyMumof2]

By him remaining in the same home and 'keeping up appearances' to the children and outside world I think is confusing for you. If this is the end, then you need to make it the end and one of you needs to move on - which I think should be him as your home is the stability for the children. However that said, I think he's also confused in himself with what he's said and the way it's making it look 'normal'. I would honestly work on myself first and foremost. You can't be an effective wife and mother if you can't control your emotions. Counseling for you would be a good place to start because you NEED to deal with your actions - please, I'm not being negative. But it also sounds like he doesn't want to be done - if he did he would have left. It sounds like he's trying to be the 'big brave man' but won't enforce the split. Carrying on the way you both are is confusing to not only you as a couple, but for the whole family. So some Marriage Counseling could be just what you both need. At this point in time, you've got nothing to loose if you try. Good luck.

 

[margeandmom]

Sorry you have to deal with this while preggers!!

Since you are both so young and married so young, it's understandable that you both have picked up some bad communication habits. I used to be quite (unintentionally) emotionally manipulative during arguments with one of my exes (a bad habit I caught from an earlier boyfriend). It got so bad, that he finally broke up with me. I was devastated at the time, but I am glad he did. I got lots of therapy, spent some time alone, and fortunately a lot of that bad habit died with that relationship.

I am way better at communicating in my marriage, though of course it is always a work in progress.

My guess is that your marriage could definitely be repairable! Especially with kids involved. BUT, you will really need to put in some hard work yourself, reading books (I highly recommend Codependent No More -- it's a quick audiobook you can read in the car), and therapy. You guys also might need some (controlled) space to reflect on how you got to this point.

But most importantly, your DH has got be involved in the process / progress. If you show him that you're in therapy, and have a program (if you can't get him to join), it will hopefully be enough to spark him to keep an open mind.

And of course, I'm sure he has a role in "triggering" your fights. He really should be doing some work himself...

BUT If he really is "done" without trying, which is pretty lame humble IMO, then DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM AND LET HIM SLEEP IN THE BED. HE CANNOT HAVE HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!! (Sorry to come off so intense!)

IF you force him to live with his actions of "being done", he may fully appreciate the consequences. He may potentially regret his decision, and even reconsider (if you even want him back at the point).

Just some ideas from a stranger on the internet! Sending hugs your way!

 

[Anonymous02]

hey ladies ! Thanks so much for your advice. Yesterday while picking up the kids from their grandparents , he kept arguing with me about how he is done and I couldn't take it anymore . I went to my father and told him the situation going on. My parents sat both of us down and explained basically everything you ladies advising me ( i am going to get help and also we should try for our marriage & family ). He is still not convinced so we also spoke to his parents which also advised him the same. He is going to "try" but I see he is still being negative but then again only 1 day passed . But i am looking into counseling.

 

[BrendaJ]

@Anonymous

That's great! I married my husband at 19 yrs old and are 31 now but started dating when we were both 16!! Half of our lives together already. Anyway, we both can't live without each other now and we love each other deeply but it's wasn't easy. We had many problems along the way, including me being a total ******* maniac ! I learned to relax, to tell myself certain things that would make me go off weren't really that big a deal. I changed because I hated who I was and I knew I had a great man by my side. I also realized that it was better to be happy than to be constantly arguing. I learned to apologize immediately when I was wrong and to remember to show him he was appreciated too. It's a give and take relationship, NEVER a one way street! June 18 will mark out 12th Anniversary! What a ride it's been so far! Learn from your past and take the good and push forward! Best of luck in your marriage

 

[Gemini19156]

Sounds like some progress, Anonymous02! FX'd for you that he comes around

 

[Anonymous02]

Thank you so much ! You give me so much hope . He still "confused" and doesn't know if he wants to try but he does love me . Just all my past mistakes hurt him so I'm keeping my mouth closed (which I don't usually do ) and changing myself ! Thank you so much for giving me hope ♥️