Prior medical complications and hard decisions

[oh_socold]

I was pregnant unplanned 6/2010 and while not many people were supportive about it I was adament about looking into keeping my child I evenspoke with an adoption agency. Then in july I went to the doctor was a bad rash (that just seems to get worse with pregnancy) and I was informed I had a terrible infection. I have an autoimmune disease. A week or so after taking the antibiotics I went back to the doctor only to find out my blood. Counts were very low just above 70(normal counts are 150-400). I was informed that I needed to be scanned to make sure I wasn't bleeding internally since I had no external bleeding. I wasn't bleeding at all, but my baby had a bleed in what they said was the skull. I didn't look I couldn't I felt almost alien. I don't know if it was depression made worse by low blood or if somehow I knew that their would be an issue. They gave me odds that the baby would be ok, they gave me odds that if I didn't deal with medications that could put my baby in a lot of danger that we both would have issues. I could die and the baby could be very sick or worse. I don't even remember specifically but it had to do with bleeding in the baby.

I didn't tell anyone. I didn't even tell the father until I became pregnant again this time. I told the ob and he happened to be there. He was really hurt that I never told him. I made a really tough decision using math (I know right...how logical but emotionally I just couldn't comprehend what was going on) I weighed the options the odds did some research but ultimately I had to terminate to get. Myself healthy and even termination was risky in my condition at the time. So I finally told the father recently after basically having a melt down after the fact.

I need some support. I'm now pregnant and farther along then I've ever been. I'm terrified to g et excited. I m classified as high risk and have tons of appointments but this child wasn't planned. I don't know if I'm emotionally ready for this so soon after all that happened how do u know u can handle it? I'm afraid the bad emotions are over shadowing what should be a joyous time. I feel like I'm being emotionally unfair to the child imcarrying. I'm afraid I won't be able to love it as much as I should? Do I sound crazy? I fear something similar will happen and their really isn't much I can do to avoid it. I have a terrible rash atm. And my ob and primary care dr just kind of keep brushing it off and not giving me something to help. If I get an infection. Irun all these risk again. I'm terrified. I'm afraid to tell anyone. My family didn't know last time because I was too early but if they know now I'm afraid the same thing will happen. I feel like I have to keep this secret for fear things will repeat....does anyone have any advice? Anyone understand where I'm coming from? I guess I am looking for someone to tell me I'm not so crazy as I feel