Problems with OH's son...

[blinkybaby]

Me and my OH have been together nearly 6 years. Before we met he had a son with his ex partner, who was 8 months old when we met. So he's 6 now and I've been a part of his life all that time, he comes to stay with OH and his grandma (my MIL) every other weekend. We have a good relationship - he just sees me as a friend and we go out every weekend as a threesome (me, OH and him) on days out, doing fun things etc. Sometimes him and OH do things on their own as well and OH goes back to stay at his house where he lives with his mum on the weekends he has his son (usually he stays with me and my mum at our house during the week). It has worked well all these years, but obviously now I'm pregnant I'm worried about how things are going to need to change.

When we took him back to his mums last weekend (OH's ex-partner), she told OH she needed to speak to him about his sons behaviour. Apparently at school he is not getting on well at all. Apparently he only has one friend, and when this friend wants to play with other children, he gets very agitated and starts punching and kicking the friend, to the point now where they have really fallen out and this friend doesn't want to play with him anymore. Also his behaviour at home is bad - OH saw it with his own eyes that evening when he took him home, his mum asked him to wait a moment for something as she was talking to OH, and he threw himself on the floor and started screaming and throwing a massive tantrum.

We are shocked to say the least. When he stays with OH, he is the model child - we had no idea he was having these problems at all. He is polite, kind, I don't think I've ever seen him throw a tantrum, and when we take him to places where there are other children he doesn't know to play with like the park or adventure kingdom or something, he is fantastic at joining in and playing nicely with other children.

The only thing I can think the problem could be is that his mum has recently had a baby with another man - could he be finding this difficult? OH did notice that before the new baby came, he was involved in lots of extra curricular activities, but since the arrival of his little brother he has told us he doesn't do any of them anymore. Also, it's quite worrying that he talks a lot about his mums "friends" that stay round his house and then they just seem to disappear - I think in the space of a couple of years there's been at least four different names of guys that seem to come in and out of his mum's life. Could this be confusing him in some way? I just can't seem to understand where the behaviour is coming from because when he is with OH it's like he's a different child.

We didn't know about any of this until last week, and now I feel absolutely terrible about being pregnant myself (obviously I'm on but I love OH's son and I don't want him to feel pushed out when he stays here). Then there's the living arrangements to worry about - we will be staying with my mum for the first month when LO arrives, but then we are looking to move out into our own place - I want OH's son to stay with us so we can be a family when he comes here, but OH's son has already mentioned that he wants to stay with grandma and daddy and me to have my own house with the baby I just think he's having trouble adjusting to the change. Would it be best for OH to stay at his mums with his son when LO gets here to save his son feeling pushed out? But then 2 weekends a month I will be the one to feel pushed out when I am on my own with the baby and OH and son are with his mum - I just want us all to attempt to be a family. But at the same time I don't want to make his son feel any worse, he's obviously having problems adjusting at home and I want him to feel safe when he comes here to stay. Then I also have the suspicion that he is not quite grasping the fact that he is going to have another brother or sister - he understands that his mums baby is his brother because it came from her tummy, but I get the feeling he's not really grasping the idea that this baby is his daddy's baby as well as mine. He obviously sees me as unrelated and I think he's just seeing the baby as my baby, which is why he's saying he wants to stay with grandma and daddy.

What can I do to make this work? I don't want to add to his problems but at the same time I want to try to be a family when he's here and have normal living arrangements. My OH seems quite happy just to leave me and the baby and go back to his mums when his son is here, so I feel like I'm on my own a bit, even though his mum thinks that for all of us to stay together is the best idea. No one really seems to want to talk about it. I would be grateful to hear from anyone who's been in a similar situation or just receive some friendly advice.

Well done for getting this far if you have!

xxx

 

[MummyJo]

You poor thing, I can't imagine having all of this to worry about as well as being pregnant!

I'm not entirely sure what to suggest about the school/behaviour problems - Do you and your OH live near where he goes to school? If so perhaps suggest to your OH that you invite his friend out with you when you have him, it'll give you a chance to see how they are together; correct any misbehaviour with explanation rather than the 'no' he'll probably get at school and give them a chance to mend bridges - With all the changes going on he needs school to be a happy, social sanctuary.

As for the living situation, I honestly think the worst thing you could do (once you're living together) is have your OH go back to his parents to stay at weekends with him. It's a temporary fix and one that will only set up more problems down the line. He'll think he can come between you, it'll confuse him more about your baby and him being siblings and could cause even more resentment - and one day you'll have to have him stay there, that arrangement couldn't go on forever. Instead perhaps when he comes for the weekend your OH could set aside an hour dedicated just to him, maybe even taking him to see his grandparents or whatever so he doesn't suddenly not see them either.

I think when a new baby comes into any family someone is going to feel pushed out, it isn't specific to step-children and the important thing to remember is consistency and structure, when something is constant it's easier to adjust to it. Just try and include him as much as possible, maybe have him help with setting things up for the baby but also making sure in your new home there is something that is 'his'. An area he can design/set up, a place that he can feel pride in and excitement of coming to your house.

Might be worth trying the 'present from the new baby' trick as well and we found with our daughter she was much happier about the prospect of a new baby in the family when it was 'her brother or sister' rather than 'the new baby' or 'our baby'.

Sorry I can't be more helpful, I've not been in your situation - but have lived it from the childs view!

It's obvious you care a lot about this little boy, you're going to be a wonderful mum and though this will be hard for your OH's son he WILL get used to it and will get through it.

 

[Mom23monkies]

I have a difficult child as well
And I have a six year old.
Your Step son has been an only child for some time now!!
My advice is NOT to have him stay ant dh and Granmas house other wise your teaching him that HE runs the show. He is jelous of the new baby and that means you will have to try harder to make sure he knows that he will not be put off for the baby.
the simple fact is that he WILL be put off for the baby on occasions but you have to work hard to keep all promises.
If you tell him your going to the park, but then the baby gets sick make sure that if nothing else DH takes him.
Its going to be hard to be his parent, and even though you arent biologicaly you ARE still a parent.
A baby does change a childs life. He sees how much his mothers new baby has changed his life and he will associate it with your new baby will change his life.
Right now he still has the same stability there that he already has and he could very well see that your baby will change his life the same way his mothers baby has.
This isnt nessecarily always the mothers fault because a baby will need to come first sometimes. And he will have to learn to adjust to that.
His problems have apparently become a problem in school, you may want to consider counceling for him.
I agree with the previous poster
When reffering to the baby to him say "you know when your brother or sister gets here...."
Instead of the "new baby" or "our baby"
And maybe go get him a tee shirt that says he is a big brother and tell him that he should wear it to the hosptial when he comes to meet his brother or sister.
and of course get a present for the "baby" to give him when he does.
Also something my kids have all enjoyed, was getting a present for them to give to thier sibling when s/he was born
I dont know where you live country wise but we have a store called Build a bear.
We went in there and the child/children would pick a bear and make it for thier new sibling to bring to the hospital with them when the baby was born. (we also allowed them to make a bear for themselves and talked the stuffing person into letting us, the parents, to make a wish on a heart to put into that bear as well)
any how I hope this helps some and good luck (my kids have a FANTASTIC step dad and I am always will to share tips or advice I have)

 

[blinkybaby]

Thank you very much for your advice ladies.

Unfortunately we live about an hours drive from him, so nowhere near his school and we've never met his friend before or his friends parents so I'm not sure how they would feel about us taking him out with us for the day. It's such a shame, OH has a great relationship with his son but often feels very cut off from his life where he lives, as obviously he works full time and it's not just a case of popping over to see him one day whenever he feels like it due to the distance. I have told OH to speak to his son next time he is here about his friend and his behaviour at school to get to the bottom of it - we always thought it was a bit strange how he went quiet when talking to him about what he does at school and how he always says that he hates school etc, but I guess because he's so well behaved with us that we never really put two and two together.

I think both of you are definitely right about the living arrangements - we need to be together as a family to save the situation getting any worse - maybe we could make a big thing about moving his bed etc and giving him his own area in the house when we get it, letting him choose pictures to put on the walls and decorate etc. If we don't start as we mean to go on, it will just get worse.

I'm definitely going to do the present from the new baby thing - we do also have a build a bear shop relatively near us so I think that is a lovely idea too.

I think what I definitely will do is sit down with my MIL without OH there at some point and lay down all my concerns, because she is really the one that pulls the strings with regards to living arrangements - it's her house and if she feels it is wrong to split us all up when the new baby gets here (which I get the impression she does) then she will say to OH that we must all be together. She is concerned for OH's son as well and has said from the start of my pregnancy that when me and OH are living together, his son should also be there too otherwise he might feel pushed out.

Hopefully we will be able to fit the new baby into this set-up without a hitch - I just want us all to be happy! I just wish OH's ex partner had let us know about his behaviour before so we had more time to address it - I kind of thought everything was pretty much A-OK apart from worries about the living arrangements.

Thanks again for your advice ladies, it's much appreciated. xxx

 

[Mom23monkies]

good luck hun

keep us posted!
feel free to message me and vent if necessary