Procedure is on tuesday

[AlwaysPraying]

It's been decided. I'm going in on tuesday for the procedure. I'll be just under 15 weeks, so it will be a one day procedure, all day, but one day. They go in and take out baby, it's the only way they do it here. They say that if I were to miscarry naturally that's the only way I could avoid the procedure, but with our diagnosis, these babies can live full term.

I'm devastated and terrified. I'm afraid of the procedure itself. It's a D&C and I will be put to a haziness they said. I guess I won't feel anything. I don't want to bleed, I don't want to cramp, I don't want my period back. I don't want to cry, mourn or be sad. I don't want any of this. I'm supposed to love getting fat and I'm supposed to be delivering a healthy baby in November, this is so cruel.

I have the choice of waiting, but then it would be a two day procedure where I go in one day and they dilate the cervix the next day they do the procedure. This way they dilate the same day and only wait hours not a day. I wish I could wait, but I don't know if I could stand the two day process. I want more time to decide, I want more time to absorb all this. We only found out there was a problem with baby last tuesday, then last thursday they confirmed the problem, then this past tuesday I had the CVS done, then yesterday I got the results of a chromosome diagnosis, then this coming tuesday it will all be over. My partner needs to have this done quickly he said, waiting another week or to would be too cruel to him. I'm not saying that I'm going with his decision, but it doesn't make sense to wait. It's going to end with this procedure one way or another. I don't know the point of dragging this pain on. I'm afraid of the next step, the mourning the grieving. At least right now I still have baby with me, alive, and growing. I don't want to have an empty uterus. I don't want to have my period back.

 

[Maidenet]

If you need to talk im here xxx

 

[jessica2509]

Hi,
I've had 2 miscarriages. I had a d&c with them both, both times it didn't happen fully by itself. The first time i bled for over a week and they brought me in so i know what it's like to wait naturally. I was in so much pain (physically and emotionally) and in my personal experience it was better to get the d&c over and done with. I know everyone is different. I had started to come to terms with losing the baby, but as it hadn't gone from me totally i couldn't start to plan ahead or bring closure. The only good thing that came out of having the d&c is that you know it's over and can start to think ahead. While i was still bleeding i couldn't even cope with losing the baby in the first place.

The actual procedure itself is nothing to worry about. I was absolutely petrified when i went in, but they promised me that even if something went wrong ie. they perforated my womb it would fix itself and it definitely would not stop me having children in the future. The dr said he had never seen a procedure go wrong the whole time he had been doing them at the hospital and that they use blunt tools anyway so there is such a minute chance of anything going wrong anyway.

Sorry i've rambled on, but i promise they look after you so well as they know how hard it is for you and you're only in surgery for 10 minutes. And then home after you've had a wee and a piece of toast!

I am thinking about you and don't worry.

x

 

[AlwaysPraying]

Great information, thank you. They are telling me that I have to go in early and take medication to dilate then they will do the procedure in a couple hours after that, the procedure takes a short time, and then I need to stay in recovery for a few hours. They say all in all it's a 4-5 hour experience. Is this what others have gone through?

Is the idea worse than the actual event?

 

[Las78]

Hun, I'm so sorry.

I have just replied to your message before reading this and I said about hanging on to the hope for you, I'm sorry if that seemed thoughtless, I didn't realise the descision had been made to go ahead.

The D&C itself hun - don't be scared. You're given a light anasthetic and you'll be round in about an hour. You won't know or feel anything, you will be ok hun.

I'll be thinking of you hun, if you need to talk at all before or after, you know you can PM me anytime.

Sending you a big

 

[Aidedhoney]

Good luck honey xxx

 

[babytots]

hi hunni its hard knowing that your pg now and then tuesday you wont have that anymore. so much rang through my head when i found out about jessicas even though she had passed away i didnt want to give birth i didnt want to lose my pregnant belly i wanted to keep her safe in my tummy but i knew i couldnt she had gone and nothing i did would bring her back.

to your question yes the idea is worse then the actual event. when i had mine done i was terrified went down to surgery and i was shaking and crying so much they couldnt give me the general and so they had to calm me down first. when i woke up i couldnt beleive that it was over with and how physically easy it was and i was silly to be so scared. emotionally is a different matter.

i really hope all goes well for you on tuesday hun. but really think over your desicion especially if you are having small doubts. x

 

[AlwaysPraying]

Oddly, I'm having no doubts what so ever about the decision itself. When we did the CVS and if one of the Trisomy results came back I was already decided that we would end it. And that's just what happened, Trisomy 13. It was almost automatic. There is no life to a child with such a condition, it's not a question of quality of life, its life at all. Anyways, that's not what I want to be arguing, sorry.

My procedure will be on 14 weeks and 5 days and it will be a one day procedure. Otherwise it needs to be a two day procedure after 15 weeks. Because of scheduling it wouldn't be until the next week. I don't know, I'm just scared about the timing. I'm right at the end of the cut off. They won't let me do it the next day even (unless changing to a two day procedure). I just feel like it would make the "job" that much harder and more troubling to do. I guess there's a cut off for a reason so they can be clear, I don't know. I was also at the cut off for the CVS procedure and that went fine. One day later and they couldn't do it.

I think part of me is stalling this whole process. Making myself wait it out so I don't have to start that grieving. I'm afraid of the procedure but am I really? I don't have any trust in anything anymore and that doesn't help. The abnormality wasn't supposed to happen, the cvs results were supposed to be clear, so nothing is really going my way it seems.

I'm just in a panic. I don't think waiting will really help, it may actually make it worse, giving me more time to worry and panic about more stuff, I don't know. Thanks for letting me get this all out and vent, I appreciate that.

 

[punch]

oh i'm so sorry. so, so sorry.

there's just nothing good or helpful to say. i'm so sorry you have to go through this. i hope the procedure goes the best it can in light of the situation.

my prayers are with you. no one deserves to have to make that decision OR go through it.

 

[superp123]

Just stopping in with a huge hug for you hun. I'm so very sorry.
P

 

[RobenR]

I
I have the choice of waiting, but then it would be a two day procedure where I go in one day and they dilate the cervix the next day they do the procedure.

They did that for me, dialated me one day (I was 18w 5d) and were bringing me back the next day for the procedure. After they dialated me and sent me home (I live two hours from where they were doing this), the labour pains began in the middle of the night. If you can do it all in one day, then absolutely do it. Do not put yourself through that. It was misery for me and my husband, when we had to go to the hospital the next day, me in labour and knowing our baby was already gone.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I would not wish this pain on anyone. Stay strong and we're here if you need us.

 

[AlwaysPraying]

I can't remember what I'm posting in which thread, sorry if I'm all over the place. Someone said something about being insensitive, you were NOT insensitive at all, I appreciate all opinions on this, the more info the better.

I think it's just different here, there was no option or choice that I could have. The only real "choice" is how long I want to wait. I can end at any point which would mean the procedures would be different depending on the time. It's kind of nice knowing that I don't have to choose that at least. I've made enough decisions, the least the drs can do is pick the procedure.

I think, since I first wrote the post that I found I'm more scared of the feelings than anything else. It's easy to fixate on the procedure itself. It really hit today that by tuesday that will be it. Babies life will be over and my uterus will be empty. His life was too short and this was all too fast, a horrific situation all around. I don't know how I'm going to do it next time. I guess I already have so much more information from this time, maybe that will help.

 

[catfromaus]

I am so sorry that this has happened. Just to add my voice to everyone elses, the D&C is physically a lot easier than you think it will be. I had never been so scared in my life, I was shaking so much. The procedure is completely painless. I don't remember going to sleep, and I don't remember waking up either.
Emotionally, it is a difficult idea to cope with, and I've never cried so hard as I did when I woke up. There is no way around it, it is horrible to wake up and have no baby. Know that everyone here will support you. I hope your support network at home is great as well.
Again, I'm so sorry, I wish things like this never happened.

Cat
xxx

 

[Jem]

Thinking of you hun xxx

 

[kirstylm]

Hi hunny, I am also going to have a procedure on tuesday, my baby has stopped growing and I have opted for the ERPC which is a GA to remove the contents of my utereus. I think its the right decision as like you I wouldnt be able to stand the waiting for a natural mc to happen.
My thoughts are with you hun and I hope you cope ok. At least then you can move on and hopefully try again when your ready. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Pippin]

So sorry hon you are making the right choice to do this now. I hope you have a speedy recovery and our thoughts are with you. xxx

 

[borntobeamum]

Hi there honey - sorry if this is TMI, but I think I can relate to how you are feeling,

With Gillian, they first thought she had edwards or pataus (trisomy 13), and I went through the CVS also at cut off, and was told about ending it at that point and what would happen, similar to you if 14 weeks it would have been a different procedured, her results for the 4 main conditions came back clear, and we thought all was ok, then had to wait another 2 weeks for the full resutls but then the full resutls came back with a very rare cromozone disorder, and like you had to decide to allow her to pass on in piece rather than risk any distress to her.

Similarly with you, Gillian could have survived longer in me and no one could say if she would life to full term or not (although it would be unlikely), if she did live to birth she would not have had long with us, and nothing could be done for her. I could not handle continuing getting bigger, people being all nice and "baby talk" knowing that she could be gone at any point, this would have been too hard.

By the point I got the resutls I was further on and had to deliver her (about 18 weeks). In a way I am glad that we did go longer so that I could deliver her and see her, but it was also harder, as the procedure is much more physically and mentally draining, and also with another month added to when we first got the news I had grown considerably and felt more "pregnant" I had also started to feel her moving and kicking, which made it MUCH MUCH harder to accept that she was having to go and I wouldnt have her any more.

If you are having doubts about when to go in and go through this, then talk it over with the midwifes, be honest about your feelings and why you may want to wait, no one will judge you at the hospital, but they will be able to support you in helping you through this.

I am going to be 100% honest with you and I cant say it will be easy when he is gone, as it is not and it is the hardest and most empty feeling you will ever have, but you will get through it, you will miss him and the feelings you have knowing that your baby is not with you, but you need to go through these feelings, greive, cry, be angry, you will feel all of these.

People say that time heals, I dont beleive that, but I do beleive it gets easier, I am 2 weeks along now since I had Gillian, and I miss her like hell, but I can get through most days now without thinking "what if...."

I will be thinking of you on Tuesday, and again if you need to talk over ANYTHING no matter what, please drop me a note, no question to thought no element of anger or sadness is wrong or anything.

sending you soooo much love right now.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxlaura

 

[AlwaysPraying]

They did say that I could go in and not have the procedure on tuesday if it came down to it. I'm missing my appointment with the nurses because the appt was made late friday and here, monday is a holiday. I'll have a review tues am before the procedure. That makes it all feel that much more rushed.

I think I have to keep forcing myself to remember WHY I'm doing this. Baby is so sick, and will only get more sick. I'm doing for the right reasons. I think maternal instincts kick in instantly when we become pregnant. To protect our babies at any cost and that's what I'm feeling. Of course I don't want to have to let him go, but for the mercy of the situation I'm needing to. I talked with our priest and he said its no different than having a sick family member and praying that they let themselves go with ease. He said, "yes, it's selfish, but for a greater reason". That made me feel so much better. It IS selfish, selfish because I want what's best for my baby, I want what's best for us. He said that I've got to weigh the consequences of the decision on my life as well. "Either way a life will be consumed and sacrificed in this process, whatever choice will be made it will be for the greater good". It's not me or baby in this situation, because baby can't live anyways, which makes it that much harder to put my feelings first.

I don't want this, none of us want this, but it has to be done. In my situation, it's just at what point do I choose to do it. Even going full term he would not live but a moment anyways.

I don't think I could cope with the extra bonding and extra time spent with baby in me, like you mentioned Borntobe. It's one of those catch 22 things. People say, to you, "at least you had a chance to feel baby and be with your baby for so long in the womb". To me they say, "you get to move on faster and not have as much connection". Both contradictory things. It's exactly like a divorce. People say to those divorced without children, "at least there were no kids involved", but to those with children, "you got this beautiful blessing out of a difficult situation". It almost makes me sick. People try to rationalize there way to anything being as positive as possible. I guess that's good, but it really makes me feel like what I'm feeling is reinforced, "this is terrible and there is no good way out, whenever it's gone it will be gone and that will be our story, another day, another week another month, once that decision is made there is no turning back and no one will ever be able to say that it should have been better one way or another".

All I know is what I'm doing is for the mercy of our baby and for the mercy of our own lives. I feel like its the sick cancer patient who wants to live without treatment that could save him. For me, I could continue to carry and let baby live and TO ME that would be more cruel because the deformations would be larger and more painful to baby. Treating for cancer could make much more suffering than just letting it go naturally.

I'm doing everything I can to normalize this, to take the guilt and pressure off of me. At least with the diagnosis baby would not live, so I'm only choosing when, not if baby will live. I am trying to do everything to take care of our baby, but feel so selfish for needing to end it so I can cope easier. But I also don't want to be a martyr and sacrifice my life.

I feel so cruel saying so much and am shocked at my own explanations and opinions. It feels good to get it out, but I feel like I don't even know myself. I know I'm talking myself into accepting this and that it's not what I want (I want a healthy baby). It's like trying to rationalize something terrible when it's just terrible, a divorce is a divorce a death is a death. Maybe it's ok that it's that simple.

 

[orange-sox]

hi hunni its hard knowing that your pg now and then tuesday you wont have that anymore. so much rang through my head when i found out about jessicas even though she had passed away i didnt want to give birth i didnt want to lose my pregnant belly i wanted to keep her safe in my tummy but i knew i couldnt she had gone and nothing i did would bring her back.

That's exactly how I felt about Seb...

Massive massive to you Alwayspraying, you have been in my thoughts so much sweetheart, we're all here for you no matter what, the emotions you'll experience will be overwhelming... before I gave birth, and for about a day after I walked out of that hospital empty armed, I felt numb and cold. Then it hit me like a brick wall that I'd never see my boy again.

One piece of advice I have for you.... cry when you're sad, scream when you're angry... do what you need to do to get through the days.

All my love to you, your OH and your little boy xxx

 

[AlwaysPraying]

Is it ok to want to feel well? I have been crying and all that, feeling my feelings. But like I said, remembering WHY I'm doing this makes it somewhat easier, if that's possible. I want to have a good day today, yesterday was so awful for me. I want to enjoy the sun, the last days with my little one. I want to be happy, to know that I'm doing the right thing. I'm afraid I'm denying it, I'm afraid I'm pushing my feelings away, but most of the time I don't know how I'm feeling. I'm on auto pilot and it's only small times that I really understand what's happening.

Can anyone identify with my feelings? I know everyone is different, but just looking for someone to tell me I'm doing ok.