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So I'm not sure if I truly have it or not, but here goes.
With my daughter, after 90 minutes of pushing she finally came out. (This was our first child back in 2013). When asked if I wanted to hold her I said no, something didn't feel right. I ended up hemorrhaging and losing over 2.5 liters of blood. My hemoglobin had gone from a 12.7 down to a 5.8. I should have been transfused, but the doctor that delivered my baby didn't as to what I assume was because I was handling it well. When my doctor found out he wasn't happy, but my hemoglobin was already slowly going back up (to a 6 at that point) and would watch me instead.
Anyway, I can remember the nurse on top of me massaging my uterus hard, I remember I had been given EVERY medicine they could give me to stop the bleeding. I remember the multiple bags of fluids they where giving me. I remember how scared I was, though I never thought I'd die or how severe it really was, until the bleeding was finally under control. They weren't able to figure out why I bled so much, best guess was first baby, tired uterus, big baby. (9.3 lbs and 22 inches).
I did freak out a bit with our second child, about bleeding again, but I trusted the staff when it came to it. I ended up having a really small hemorrhage after having him (about 15-30 minutes after). The panic came flooding back to me when they said I was bleeding again. My husband was in the NICU with our son since I had developed an infection and had to be on antibiotics when in labor with him. By the time my husband came back after me asking for him, which was only moments later, the hemorrhage was done. My hemoglobin had gone from a 13.1 down to a 10.7 so that wasn't bad.
With our third and final child here, another girl, my anxiety is so high with it. I have no idea what triggers it or when it'll be triggered, but I go back to the day I had our first daughter and many times it's hard to escape those thoughts. I have spoken to my doctor four weeks ago and I thought by doing so I would calm down. I did, but since Thursday now, not a day goes by that I think about it. I think about what if I actually bleed out this time. What if I die this time. My kids need me. I'm not personally afraid of death, but I am afraid of leaving my children and husband and even dogs.
I take signs from the world that probably don't mean anything, but it has me freaking out. For the past two months the nurse when I see my doctor asks if I want info on a living will. Past week or so our son keeps getting real clingy with me and goes, "mama stay with me forever.". I take it as a sign he knows something is up that I may not make it.
I mentally cannot keep doing this. 34 weeks and I need to be done now for my own sanity and just show that hey I am fine nothing bad happen, but what if it does. What if my life is done in a few short weeks. I can't keep thinking this. I have thought over logically that I will be in the safest place to have a birth. My hospital is actually one of the best ones that I have ever seen or anything.
I also have another huge fear that from what friends have told me and what I have read online, is that the more Braxton Hicks, the faster the baby will come when it's time. I freak out because what if I have baby at home and then I start to bleed bad? I need at least an hour to get to the hospital if my husband is at work. I have never had much BH before with my first two pregnancies. My daughter took 11.5 hours, my son 8.5 hours.
With my daughter, after 90 minutes of pushing she finally came out. (This was our first child back in 2013). When asked if I wanted to hold her I said no, something didn't feel right. I ended up hemorrhaging and losing over 2.5 liters of blood. My hemoglobin had gone from a 12.7 down to a 5.8. I should have been transfused, but the doctor that delivered my baby didn't as to what I assume was because I was handling it well. When my doctor found out he wasn't happy, but my hemoglobin was already slowly going back up (to a 6 at that point) and would watch me instead.
Anyway, I can remember the nurse on top of me massaging my uterus hard, I remember I had been given EVERY medicine they could give me to stop the bleeding. I remember the multiple bags of fluids they where giving me. I remember how scared I was, though I never thought I'd die or how severe it really was, until the bleeding was finally under control. They weren't able to figure out why I bled so much, best guess was first baby, tired uterus, big baby. (9.3 lbs and 22 inches).
I did freak out a bit with our second child, about bleeding again, but I trusted the staff when it came to it. I ended up having a really small hemorrhage after having him (about 15-30 minutes after). The panic came flooding back to me when they said I was bleeding again. My husband was in the NICU with our son since I had developed an infection and had to be on antibiotics when in labor with him. By the time my husband came back after me asking for him, which was only moments later, the hemorrhage was done. My hemoglobin had gone from a 13.1 down to a 10.7 so that wasn't bad.
With our third and final child here, another girl, my anxiety is so high with it. I have no idea what triggers it or when it'll be triggered, but I go back to the day I had our first daughter and many times it's hard to escape those thoughts. I have spoken to my doctor four weeks ago and I thought by doing so I would calm down. I did, but since Thursday now, not a day goes by that I think about it. I think about what if I actually bleed out this time. What if I die this time. My kids need me. I'm not personally afraid of death, but I am afraid of leaving my children and husband and even dogs.
I take signs from the world that probably don't mean anything, but it has me freaking out. For the past two months the nurse when I see my doctor asks if I want info on a living will. Past week or so our son keeps getting real clingy with me and goes, "mama stay with me forever.". I take it as a sign he knows something is up that I may not make it.
I mentally cannot keep doing this. 34 weeks and I need to be done now for my own sanity and just show that hey I am fine nothing bad happen, but what if it does. What if my life is done in a few short weeks. I can't keep thinking this. I have thought over logically that I will be in the safest place to have a birth. My hospital is actually one of the best ones that I have ever seen or anything.
I also have another huge fear that from what friends have told me and what I have read online, is that the more Braxton Hicks, the faster the baby will come when it's time. I freak out because what if I have baby at home and then I start to bleed bad? I need at least an hour to get to the hospital if my husband is at work. I have never had much BH before with my first two pregnancies. My daughter took 11.5 hours, my son 8.5 hours.
