Public Shaming as Punishment?

[Hollynesss]

Hey ladies

Totally not trying to start a debate here, I'm just curious: what do you all think of the new parenting trend of publicly shaming your child if they do something really wrong?

For example, making your child stand on the corner of a busy intersection wearing a sign board that says something like "I thought I was cool and stole lipstick from Target. I need to learn some responsibility."

Do you think putting your child on display like this is an effective way to punish your child, or more psychologically damaging than helpful? All opinions welcome, no judgement!

 

[Reidfidleir]

I would absolutely never do anything like that to my child! (I would hope I wouldn't). I believe a child needs to have a measure of respect/dignity afforded to them so they will have good self esteem later in life.
I remember being humiliated as a child in some similar ways and it made me feel awful.
I would try to remove the child from the situation and punish them in private if necessary.

 

[angiepie]

I would never 'punish' a child for their mistakes. And certainly not in that way. I see humiliation as just plain degrading. And parenting doesn't need to be on display for the rest of the world.

I would rather talk and explain things. Find out why they stole the item. Take measures to make sure they don't do it again, like making them get a job so they can pay for things or give them an allowance. And then something to back it up like not let them go to that store and or make them go and apologise before shopping there again. Work together with the child to find a solution and teach them that stealing is wrong. But humiliation, to me, doesn't teach them a lesson about what they did. It just proves that parents have power and we can use it against them.

ETA: Good question btw.

 

[MoldyVoldy]

a few of them are "funny"...but at the same time i feel pretty bad for how those kids must feel.

i personally wouldn't do it to my son or any future children i may have.

i wouldn't have wanted MY parents to do it to ME. i try to look at it from the kids eyes.

 

[tverb84]

I don't think I would do this.Does the child or children really learn the lesson? I'd rather talk to my child about why they did it and make sure they learn from it.

 

[Hollynesss]

I appreciate your input, ladies.

My personal opinion on this: Our children will face many battles in life, and the hardest for their adolescent self esteem is bullying. This type of punishment guarantees that your kids will be pointed at and laughed at, and that always hurts, no matter what age you are. On the flip side, you are also teaching other kids that it is perfectly okay and even encouraged to point and laugh at people who make mistakes. I find this type of punishment barbaric, and your kids will forever be affected by it. I completely agree with you, angiepie, I think that punishment for something like this should be in private, and should fit the crime.

The reason I posted this is because I recently read a news article about just this thing, and I was completely shocked by the comments on it. Probably a good 85% of commenters thought it was "hilarious" and that "its about time these damn kids learn some respect!" Yes, kids should definitely respect their parents, but that respect needs to be taught from a young age, and the people making these comments forget that this type of punishment isn't teaching respect, its teaching resentment.

 

[lovetocruise]

I realize this isn't a popular opinion, but I believe that each child needs to learn in a different way. Some kids want to please their parents, and never need punishment to behave. Some kids like to push to see how far they can go, but a minor punishment like a timeout will suffice. There are some kids that will not learn any other way than to use corporal punishment, spanking and the like. It is entirely dependent on the kid's personality and willingness to behave or how rebellious they may be. It's not something you can decide before you have a child and are able to determine what will or won't work for them. Discipline isn't a one size fits all approach.

 

[xsugarplumx]

I would NEVER do that to my child. I could never see myself doing that.. I just find that humiliating, and sure that would have them 'learn their lesson.' but I also want my child to confide in me, and not be afraid of me.

 

[angiepie]

There are some kids that will not learn any other way than to use corporal punishment, spanking and the like.

I believe this is simply not true. I agree different methods are suitable for different kids, but it is NEVER okay to physical punish a child. That is abuse. We don't smack other adults, so why is it okay to do it to kids?

 

[MrsMandy]

Wow - i've heard of pet shaming (and thats actually quite cute!) but to do that to a child/teenager - thats just plain wrong! And a bit sickening if i'm honest!

I have watched soooo much Supernanny (in an attempt to know what i'm supposed to do when our time comes! ) and fully agree that children should have and know their boundries, and are generally happier when they know where they stand. (I guess its all about respect, but thats a two way street as far as i'm concerned!) But I also want my children to be able to come and confide in me and my husband when they need/want to and i dont think publicly humiliating them would be helpful in that!

 

[amaryllis]

Well, I view it as pretty much psychological abuse, really. That is not the way you parent a child. You've failed if you've gotten the point of public humiliation.

My mother used to sit us down and have a very, very stern discussion about why we did a certain thing. But she was never hard or closed to us. She was always gentle and treated us with respect. She'd ask us *why* we did what we did, and to think about the circumstances and the outcome, and how we would feel if someone else did what we did, either to us or someone we loved. I love my Mum so much, when I was a kid I would feel SO BAD for disappointing her. Disappointing her was the worst thing in the world as far as I was concerned. And moreover, she made me realise that I didn't want to do bad things, I wanted to be a good person and do good things as much as I could. She also had this look she'd give you if she thought you were lying to her. Kinda like that steely glare that Xena would give on Xena Warrior Princess, but worse. Even today, I cannot lie to people, I'm terrible at it.

Interesting topic, though.

 

[lozzy21]

I guess the difference is if it is a mistake or being malicious. If I found out that Niamh has been bullying some one then I totally would make her walk around with a sandwich bord saying she's a bully for a few hours. It might make her understand just how humiliating it is. Wouldnt do it if she broke her curfew or got drunk, I expect those things.

 

[Hollynesss]

I realize this isn't a popular opinion, but I believe that each child needs to learn in a different way. Some kids want to please their parents, and never need punishment to behave. Some kids like to push to see how far they can go, but a minor punishment like a timeout will suffice. There are some kids that will not learn any other way than to use corporal punishment, spanking and the like. It is entirely dependent on the kid's personality and willingness to behave or how rebellious they may be. It's not something you can decide before you have a child and are able to determine what will or won't work for them. Discipline isn't a one size fits all approach.

Unpopular opinions welcome, too! Haha I do agree with you that not all punishments work for every child, this one just seems so extreme and very "stoning or hanging to death in the public square"-ish. The main reason I am against this is because not only is the parent punishing the kid for their crime, each person that honks, points, laughs, stares, etc., is contributing to that punishment. Every kid that will laugh at the child for months afterward at school is punishing the kid. In a day and age when most parents don't want to be told how to raise their kids, this is an extremely public way of putting parenting on display for the world to criticize.

 

[lovetocruise]

I realize this isn't a popular opinion, but I believe that each child needs to learn in a different way. Some kids want to please their parents, and never need punishment to behave. Some kids like to push to see how far they can go, but a minor punishment like a timeout will suffice. There are some kids that will not learn any other way than to use corporal punishment, spanking and the like. It is entirely dependent on the kid's personality and willingness to behave or how rebellious they may be. It's not something you can decide before you have a child and are able to determine what will or won't work for them. Discipline isn't a one size fits all approach.

Unpopular opinions welcome, too! Haha I do agree with you that not all punishments work for every child, this one just seems so extreme and very "stoning or hanging to death in the public square"-ish. The main reason I am against this is because not only is the parent punishing the kid for their crime, each person that honks, points, laughs, stares, etc., is contributing to that punishment. Every kid that will laugh at the child for months afterward at school is punishing the kid. In a day and age when most parents don't want to be told how to raise their kids, this is an extremely public way of putting parenting on display for the world to criticize.

I agree with you regarding the shaming punishment. I would say that no, it seems like a pretty terrible way to punish your child with long-lasting affects. I do think that the punishment has to fit the crime. If your teenager, who is attention hungry, did something truly malicious and no other forms of discipline seems to be teaching them right from wrong, you have to do what works.

 

[lovetocruise]

I guess the difference is if it is a mistake or being malicious. If I found out that Niamh has been bullying some one then I totally would make her walk around with a sandwich bord saying she's a bully for a few hours. It might make her understand just how humiliating it is. Wouldnt do it if she broke her curfew or got drunk, I expect those things.

This. Exactly this. If a child or teenager gets joy from hurting another person in any way, you need to do whatever it takes to make them learn. Before mildly malicious behavior turns seriously malicious.

 

[Larkspur]

There are some kids that will not learn any other way than to use corporal punishment, spanking and the like. It is entirely dependent on the kid's personality and willingness to behave or how rebellious they may be. It's not something you can decide before you have a child and are able to determine what will or won't work for them. Discipline isn't a one size fits all approach.

Absolutely could not disagree more.

 

[Larkspur]

I agree with you regarding the shaming punishment. I would say that no, it seems like a pretty terrible way to punish your child with long-lasting affects. I do think that the punishment has to fit the crime. If your teenager, who is attention hungry, did something truly malicious and no other forms of discipline seems to be teaching them right from wrong, you have to do what works.

If by the time a child is a teenager, they're malicious and can't tell right from wrong, rather than the parent finding new and inventive ways to punish them, I think it's probably time for the parent to look at where they as a parent have failed their child.

 

[wombat1]

I guess the difference is if it is a mistake or being malicious. If I found out that Niamh has been bullying some one then I totally would make her walk around with a sandwich bord saying she's a bully for a few hours. It might make her understand just how humiliating it is. Wouldnt do it if she broke her curfew or got drunk, I expect those things.

This. Exactly this. If a child or teenager gets joy from hurting another person in any way, you need to do whatever it takes to make them learn. Before mildly malicious behavior turns seriously malicious.

I think you have to be a bit careful here as it's not uncommon for bullies to have deep problems themselves and use bullying as a way of lashing out and trying to make themselves feel better temporarily. It doesn't make it okay at all and it is behaviour that needs to be addressed, but kids acting out quite often have a reason for it and publicly humiliating them could well just make the problem worse.

 

[amaryllis]

See, my problem with spanking and punishment is that most of the time, that sort of thing isn't addressing the source of the problem, which is the psychology of the child and why they're acting out. You can't solve that psychological error or misunderstanding with violence. It's like smacking a computer that's not running a programme properly. You have to nut things out with the kid and make sure they know where they're going wrong.

Not that I'm about being too soft on kids. They have to know when they've done something really wrong. My Mum had a good way of letting us know we'd done the wrong thing, and she never had to lay a hand on us. Everything I speak about with parenthood, I am talking about my mother's approach. Which I look fairly highly upon, because nobody in my family is a horrible person (at least I don't think so! LOL!).

But I am a first time Mum. I've only ever really helped siblings take care of their kids, since I was small myself, I don't know the experience of being entirely responsible for a child's upbringing. So my opinions may be naive and overly optimistic. Ask me again in five years (should my babby stick) and see what I say! LOL!

 

[katherinegrey]

I certainly don't agree with public shaming as punishment, isn't this a little like sticking someone in the stocks in medieval times and asking people to come and watch and throw things? I'd like to think for the most part society has moved on from this.