Quick Rant About Having a Fourth Baby

[alexspargo]

I have been very annoyed the past few weeks and would like to get it off my chest. This may be a little long but I’ll try to keep it to the point.

In March 2012 my husband of 10 years left me for a 19 year old girl (super gross I know) while I was 2 months pregnant with our third child. It was the most awful and miserable time of my life. I was depressed, pregnant, dealing with a 8 year old and 5 year old all by myself and too ashamed and embarrassed to tell my friends and family what was happening. I waited an entire year (March 2013) before I told my mom and my sisters what had happened. My ex had already been living out of the house for several months by then and my son (our third) was a few months old. My ex did not go to the birth and to this day has very little contact with our third child although he does spend a lot of time with the two older kids.

A year and a half ago I started dating someone and we became serious. We have been living together the last 8 months and a few weeks ago I found out that despite using the pullout method and being on the birth control patch I am pregnant with my fourth child and his first child. The response I have gotten from people has been not that great. His family thinks I got pregnant on purpose to trap him into being with me (I guess it never occurred to them that he likes being with me and being a part of my children’s lives – they just assume he sees it as a burden). The response from my family has been basically pity and feeling bad for me. When I told my boss, who is a very close family friend, he actually said to me “You know you have options right? I mean how do you know this guy is gonna stick around? The last one didn’t.”

I feel like I am having to constantly explain that we are happy about this and that it is not a tragedy for us to be expecting a baby. Yes, it was not planned. Yes, we did not necessarily want to have a child together, but it happened and we love each other. We were already talking about getting married, we were already planning a long future together. I find myself having to constantly defend our choice to be HAPPY.

That aside, even strangers who don’t know the background are giving me grief for having so many kids. I was at the store the other day with my three kids, ages 10, 7 and 2 and I am starting to look obviously pregnant when an older woman said “oh my, four children! This must be the last one right?” Um, why is that your business?? A client at work found out that I was pregnant again and she said “Another one! Don’t you know this world is already over populated? Stop already!" Pardon my French but F*ck you lady.

Having a baby is a blessing. I look around at all the women who are trying to get pregnant and having a hard time. I am so lucky to have the kids I have and I try to never take it for granted so why the hell do I feel like I need to constantly be apologizing for them?? I am very frustrated right now and can only hope it gets better because the next person who attempts to shame me about being pregnant, for any reason, is going to get an earful!!

That is all.

 

[Pielette]

You know what, my first instinct is naturally to tell you to just think f*** 'em, excuse my language, but in reality I know it's sometimes hard to shrug it off

I don't know what is wrong with society, it's like every big life event you go through they've got a flipping opinion that nobody asked for. And why is it that all of a sudden four kids is a 'ridiculously' large family? My grandad was one of 11 for goodness sake! That's a large family! It's like if you don't stop at 2 you're having too many. Or if you stop at 1 that's not enough. Since when were any of us interested in other peoples opinions on how many kids we have? If they're loved and cared for, food in their bellies and clothed, who cares?

I know I may well get some opinions when I announce my third baby, and especially with my close age gap between each of them. But I really could not care less. I'm a damn good mum, I adore my kids, they're my world and I'm sure you're the same. Next time you get an unwanted opinion I would try to come back with something witty that puts them in their place.

Can't think of anything specific right now but I'll work on it

 

[LuckyMama13]

They are all wayyyyyyyyyy out of line. What's up with people giving out unsolicited advice? All I can tell you, is just to say SCREW THEM. If YOU are happy, HE is happy, and your CHILDREN are happy, they can all go to hell and take their comments with them. One of my friends has four BEAUTIFULLLLLL children, and no one can deny how wonderful they are and well fed and behaved and so on. It's not their business! Some people LOVE large families! In the past it was the more, the merrier. Don't take their negativity to heart, seriously.

I can relate to you actually. This is my 3rd pregnancy- and like you, a complete and utter surprise. But nevertheless, a happy one! One of my sister-in-laws told me "are you going to keep it? I think you should consider an abortion." I was absolutely flabbergasted. First off, my two children are aged 11 and 6, and they are adorable, good kids. Why in the hell shouldn't I raise another? After a nice fight, I am no longer speaking to her. Basically, anyone that offers nothing but negativity, has no place in my life. It's that simple. And I suggest you do the same, remove the negativity and be happy for yourselves. And.....CONGRATULATIONS!!!

 

[calm81]

First off, CONGRATULATIONS on your 4th BLESSING!!!

Second, I've finally learned to NOT care about other peoples opinions. I used to value peoples opinions of me so bad that it drove me into having panic attacks/anxiety issues. I was NEVER good enough, if one person liked something I did someone nearby would go the opposite route. Everyone has opinions--I get that-- but shut up and keep them to yourselves if what you have to say doesn't benefit my wellbeing.

People love to judge other people without reflecting on themselves. When I had my son 2.5 years ago, I parked at a grocery store and was gathering my diaper coupons and grocery list when a man banged on my door to yell at me, I asked "what is the problem?" he said,"the sun is in your baby's eyes, terrible mothers shouldn't have kids!" I looked over at my son and he had this windshield shade on his window but a little bit of sun was on his carseat. I sat in the car crying because of the irrational attack I just endured and left the grocery store to go to another one outside of town.

The only reason this man caused me to breakdown and cry was because sooooo many people were throwing opinions my way after just having my baby. He doesn't have warm enough clothes on…..why feed him formula instead of breastfeed….he shouldn't be using a pacifier….you should be doing this not that…that's wrong…you're burping him wrong….

Finally, one day I just went "F%ck it" I only care about pleasing my husband and children.

I'm now pregnant with our 3rd and get the "you already have two" responses and I just grin and say "yes I know, I'm soooo lucky to have another on its way." :happy dance:

With all that said., I would like you to introduce me to JUST ONE PERSON that embodies all the perfect traits without any skeletons of their own in their closets JUST ONE. I'm certainly not perfect and I'm sure I'll make a few more mistakes before I have my last breath. Maybe the world is overpopulated BUT ONLY BY THE WRONG KINDS OF PEOPLE. You have a HAPPY & HEALTHY pregnancy!!

 

[Lara310809]

I'm sorry; people are stupid. It's nobody's business but yours, and you should either let it go over your head in an "I don't give a crap" kind of way, or tell them how rude they're being. I get those reactions and I only have three kids. The best way to get over that though, is to say it was planned. Then you get rid of all the "oh no, what a shame" comments. We said we were done after our second child, and eventually spew started TTC a third. My dad was the only one that knew (since he had to send the OPKs to me because I live abroad), so when we said I was pregnant, everyone assumed it was an accident, and we got all of those stupid comments. We had to tell people it was planned, just to get them off our backs, even though it was none of their business

The one I get most is "three GIRLS? you know that's going to be impossible when they're teenagers", or "three so close together?", to which I reply, "yes but they're so close together" (meaning they like each other). And because I still have a pregnant belly going on (I never lost the baby weight), some people assume I'm having a 4th and go on about how I'll regret it. Excuse me but I'm not pregnant, but thanks for saying I clearly look UNMISTAKABLY pregnant. Plus it's none of your business how many I have, and no I will never regret bringing my babies into this world.

 

[nflores77]

Congrats on your 4th little blessing!

I totally hear you on the negativity BS.

Why do people feel they have a right to rain on our parade. WTF is negativity going to bring... ugh I dislike people like that. When I announced my pregnancy earlier this year then later had a mmc.... the response i got was super negative becuase everyone felt that I had two kids one of each gender from my first marriage and felt that I should have no more with my new hubby mainly because of my age (37). It's like WTF nobody asked your opinon... and my hubby has no children and even if he did we still wanted one together. My kids support us and our decisions... and that is all that matters to me. I don't even want to announce this pregnancy since I don't want to hear anyones BS opinion. We are happy and that is all that matters.

 

[misscyn]

I think you're very lucky to have 4 kids. I would have loved to have 4, but I'm pregnant with my 2nd and I'm already 35, so it doesn't look like that's going to happen. Anyway who cares what people think. You will grow old surrounded by your kids and grandkids, while they will die alone!

 

[Perplexed]

Congrats on your 4th little one.

People give their opinions all the time about every little thing. It bothers me, too, but I've realized that they will give opinions & unsolicited advice regardless of the situation. When I wasn't married and not even ready to they complained that I had to get married and start having children. My friend told me not to worry...that if I were married their next plan of attack was where's the baby? And if I had one they'd ask where the second one is and that the first is lonely and needs a friend. And once you're pregnant there's no way you've done anything right because there's always someone with the opinion that you shouldn't do this/shouldn't do that. Same with when the baby comes. DH tells me not to pay attention though it's easier said than done.

 

[Eurydice]

I think you're very lucky to have 4 kids. I would have loved to have 4, but I'm pregnant with my 2nd and I'm already 35, so it doesn't look like that's going to happen. Anyway who cares what people think. You will grow old surrounded by your kids and grandkids, while they will die alone!

Just wanted to chime in and say 35 is NOT TOO OLD to have two more!!! If that's what you are dreaming of, who is telling you that you can't? I'm 40 and pregnant with #2; I had my first at 38 (almost 39). Plenty of women have children into their early 40's these days with no problems. There's so much hype in the media these days about older women: you're going to miscarry, your children will all have chromosomal abnormalities, you can't have a natural birth. The statistics might be SLIGHTLY higher, but the vast majority of children born to older moms are perfectly fine!

 

[ssjad]

People judge no matter what number baby you're up to. Makes them feel better for some reason.
Focus on being the best mum you can and just ignore all the rude people.
I'm 38 and pregnant with number 6 (to the 3rd man, shock horror!!) and I'm expecting the same reaction as you're getting so I'm actually not telling anyone except health professionals. Maybe that'll give them a clue when they figure it out that I'm not open to their comments.
Good luck and congratulations! !

 

[mayacat]

The magic number seems to be two kids. People judge if you don't want any and they start to judge if you have more than 2. Both my parents came from four-child households, hubby and I are both from 3's and I love having a medium-sized extended family like that. Plus, it's really nobody's business how many kids you have. People can be so snooty.

 

[Pinkorblue11]

Wanted to offer support and huge Congrats on your pregnancy and I hope the next several months are healthy and happy!

The things people feel entitled to say are outrageous!

 

[allie_j]

My cousin had 2 boys and when she was pregnant with her 3rd she got all of the "ahh you must be trying for a girl" and "oh you'll be so disappointed if it's another boy"... Then when she became pregnant with her 4th (not planned but who's business is that but hers and her husbands?) loads of people - including complete strangers! - thought it was appropriate to REMIND her how many children she had. They literally said things like "you realise you have 3 already right?" and "oh why are you pregnant again, you already have 3". She started replying with "oh damn, it's been so long since I had the first I'd completely forgot about him. Thanks so much for reminding me"...people tended to shut up about it after that!

 

[heather2629]

Congratulations, sweet girl! It's YOUR life, not THEIRS. They aren't perfect, so they have no right to be telling you right from wrong. You went through an unimaginably rough time with your ex, and you deserve the absolute best. This baby is a blessing, and I hate that it's being surrounded with judgement before it's even born. Ignore them, continue to enjoy your time with your man, and love on your kids. I'm pregnant with my first and I am so in love with this miracle that I can't imagine anyone not feeling that way about a baby. Remember:

“Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”

 

[ayeshasi]

Ah congrats! !!! Don't worry about people and their opinions. They will have a problem either way. When I had my 1st straight after marriage people had an opinion why so soon. Then I got pregnant with my 2nd as soon as my 1st turned a year old and again I had people saying I'm going to have so many problems with 2 being so close together. In all honesty it was actually great and not hard at all. Then I had my 3rd after 5 years and I remember someone saying to me...is that all you are going to do...have kids? Seriously???!!!! And with no.4 (after my 3rd one was 3 years old) I had everyone saying to stop! Aaaghhh! However now I am pregnant with no.5...pleasant surprise baby....but I'm not telling anyone until I have to..not even my close family. Only I know and DH and my kids who I have to say are over the moon. I just can't handle any negative comments. I don't see why it's anyone's business.
Hope you have a healthy and happy 9 months!

 

[slongson]

Congratulations, I too am pregnant with #4 but not telling anyone because of all the judgemental people out there, only people that know are my husband and best friend and will keep it secret as long as possible. Hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy and ignore the haters xx