Rainbow baby anxiety

[VioletsMommy]

Hi all. Long time no talk! (I used to post over on the TTC and 2WW forums when I first started TTC)

I had an IUI in January, and two weeks later I took a pregnancy test as a formality before stopping my progesterone - I was already cramping, I was assuming AF was on her way. To my surprise, I got a clear BFP!

I should be 7w4d based on the date of my IUI, but at my last ultrasound Wednesday, when I should have been 6w6d, I was measuring only 6w1d. We DID get to hear the heart beat, but the doctor said he was concerned that I was measuring five days behind. He scheduled another u/s for 2 weeks later. I'm single so there is no question of the date.

I've had a little bit of spotting, mostly light brown, and I can't tell the difference between cramping and growing uterus pains and/or digestive pains, so I'm literally freaking out constantly. After a small scare almost two weeks ago with a little pink spotting, I crawled into bed and have barely gotten out.

I have an anxiety disorder, and the fear from being pregnant after a traumatic loss (Violet, Nov. 2016) is paralyzing, and I can't take my usual panic meds because they are class D.

Anyways, I guess I'm just wondering how everyone else deals with the anxiety of being pregnant after a loss. Losing Violet almost killed me, I'm not sure I could handle it again. Any tips or reassuring thoughts would be much appreciated. I'm going to try to post around here a bit more, as much as my anxiety will let me (I'm terrified of hearing bad news). Best of luck to everyone!

 

[mrsmummy2]

Firstly, congrats on your pregnancy. Wishing you a happy and healthy 9 months!
Measurements can be very off in the early days of a scan, so i wouldnt worry much about that.
I totally understand the angst. Im pregnant with our rainbow after a loss last march at 7w3d, although hcg was only 400 something, so not consistent with that gestation, so MMC was more accurate.
I'm extremely anxious this time around. Way more than i expected. Everytime i go to the toilet i go back to that day of wiping and having bright red blood. Its very nerve wracking.
Once you see the HB the risk lowers, so thats a good sign.

 

[VioletsMommy]

And I'm up with the sun because I was freaked out all night, afraid I was having cramping. (I think it's just a plugged up digestive system, but it's still kicking up the anxiety pretty bad).

Anyone else have trouble sleeping because of the rainbow baby anxiety/nerves?

 

[VioletsMommy]

Firstly, congrats on your pregnancy. Wishing you a happy and healthy 9 months!
Measurements can be very off in the early days of a scan, so i wouldnt worry much about that.
I totally understand the angst. Im pregnant with our rainbow after a loss last march at 7w3d, although hcg was only 400 something, so not consistent with that gestation, so MMC was more accurate.
I'm extremely anxious this time around. Way more than i expected. Everytime i go to the toilet i go back to that day of wiping and having bright red blood. Its very nerve wracking.
Once you see the HB the risk lowers, so thats a good sign.

Thank you. Did you ever have a scan with your angel baby? Violet was 7w2d, but I never had a scan, so I don't know when I lost her, really. How far are you now?

Even when I go to the bathroom (a million times a day) of course I check the TP every time, and even if I see the slightest tinge of brown it kicks up my anxiety, even though the doctor said brown is old and not to worry. It started off slow with Violet too, and escalated really quickly - and just like you said, I flash back to that day... the panic, getting in bed praying that I could save the baby by resting, going to the doctor the next day and being told the news... going to the ER that afternoon and sobbing so loudly every doctor and nurse came in and asked why I was so upset, which was like rubbing salt in the wound. It's almost PTSD-like, the way I flash back to those awful days all the time. I just want to get to my next scan and have the doctor tell me the baby is growing as expected.

 

[mrsmummy2]

Nope, I didn't get to have a scan last time. They said my hormone was too low to see anything and found "fetal product" when examining me, so said there was no need.

Your experience sounds exactly like mine. It was red for a few hours, but not awful, then when I got to the hospital it poured out and I knew that was it.

I'm 8w5d according to lmp, but couldn't be dated 100% at my last scan as baby was so small.. measured around 6 weeks then. I'm having another scan on Wednesday, so should be 9ish weeks so hoping all will be well.

When is your next scan?

 

[VioletsMommy]

Next scan is a week from Wednesday. By the date of my IUI I would be 8w6d by the scan, but by the date on my last scan I would be 8w1d.

I never had a scan with Violet either. They didn't even test my HCG when I lost her, because it was already obvious by the time I was seen by the doctor that she was gone. I don't know how long she was gone, so I celebrate her Angel Day on the day I found out.

I HATE the nighttime anxiety. I would really like to just be able to sleep through the night like I used to! At least until I know everything's going to be okay...

It does sound like we have a lot in common. I came here because yesterday I ran into a woman who was pregnant with her third set of twins, and she had lost the first set, and I hadn't realized until I met her how helpful it would be to talk to people with similar experiences. Hopefully we can support each other through the first tri anxiety!

 

[mrsmummy2]

Fx all will be well! I'm sure it will.
Thankfully my anxieties have calmed down, but still not completely gone. I do panic if i get cramping etc, but i also had it with my dd and ds, so know it is completely normal and not always a sign something is wrong.

I found this site super helpful when pregnant with ds and over the past year with my mc and ttc. Lots of lovely women on here who can relate.

 

[Squiggy]

I have at least two miscarries. I believe I've had more but two "officially documented" miscarries. Now I'm currently 39 days with no period but still getting negatives when I home test. I see a doctor on Tuesday.

My first miscarriage I took a nervous breakdown that lasted two and a half years.
My second miscarriage I was more angry than anything.
This time, I'm hanging in the balance because I don't know what the situation is. I read that low hCG can mean it's ectopic among other things. I've heard ectopic removals are painful. So I'm just wondering if the experience of pregnancy is something that's going to be worse each time.

 

[mrsmummy2]

@Squiggy I'm so sorry
Have you gotten a positive yet?

I didnt get a positive until AF was 10 days late with my last pregnancy. That did end in a miscarriage though. Ill never know if that was my first sign things werent right or if it was just one of those things.
Ive heard of people not getting positives for ages though and going on to have a healthy baby. Good luck

 

[Squiggy]

@Squiggy I'm so sorry
Have you gotten a positive yet?

I didnt get a positive until AF was 10 days late with my last pregnancy. That did end in a miscarriage though. Ill never know if that was my first sign things werent right or if it was just one of those things.
Ive heard of people not getting positives for ages though and going on to have a healthy baby. Good luck

Today I'm 10 days late. Still getting negatives. I see a doctor tomorrow, hopefully they'll do bloodwork while I'm there.
Here's the rub. My last cycle, in January, was only 24 days! That never happens!! My cycles are anywhere from 28 to 34 days, typically 30 days. January's period was painful and runny. I wondered then if I was miscarrying because of the way the blood was running out, like turning on a slow faucet. I've miscarried before so I know the signs. It lasted about 7 days, normally my periods only run about 4 - 5 days.
Thank you for the ! It means a lot.

 

[mrsmummy2]

Today I'm 10 days late. Still getting negatives. I see a doctor tomorrow, hopefully they'll do bloodwork while I'm there.
Here's the rub. My last cycle, in January, was only 24 days! That never happens!! My cycles are anywhere from 28 to 34 days, typically 30 days. January's period was painful and runny. I wondered then if I was miscarrying because of the way the blood was running out, like turning on a slow faucet. I've miscarried before so I know the signs. It lasted about 7 days, normally my periods only run about 4 - 5 days.
Thank you for the ! It means a lot.

Oh how strange! I really hope you get some answers soon!