Rant: DH's crazy family. Need advice

[mommy2baby2]

So I have a long rant, but I hope someone will be able to give me some words of wisdom!

To make a long story short, my DH and I have been having many recent ups and downs. We've decided for the sake of our marriage and family to try to make things work.

So we were seperated physically for about 2 weeks, I went to my parent's house to get away and he stayed home. During this time, the hate campaign against me started in his family. I understand my husband talking to his mom and brother about our issues, I talked to my parents about it too (everyone needs to vent). However, while my parents were supportive and trying to find ways to help the relationship/situation, his mom decided to drag his ENTIRE extended family into the situation. This is where it gets ugly. He has this cousin who lives in a different state who is an absolute nut. She immediately started emailing me on Facebook with these psychotic, threatening emails. She is NOT a "friend" on facebook and I have my page fairly well hidden, so the only way she could have found it was through my DH's brother. Anyway, I responded one time calling her a psychopath and a few other choice names and told her to butt out. She responded with another psycho rant (seriously, these emails are CRAZY) and I responded by telling her her behavior and threats were scaring me and that she needed to leave me alone or I would call the police. She has since sent me 18 messages threatening my life, my daughters' lives, my unborn baby's life...calling all of us every name in the book, how she can't wait to see me die...etc. The worst part is that I actually blocked her profile but she made multiple accounts to continue sending the messages. I even removed the option to send me an email but she figured out the code (or something) and has managed to continue doing it...

After it started, I asked my DH, his mom and his brother to tell this woman to stop. I guess at this point, my MIL called her and told her I claiming I was being threatened and the cousin denied it all. She then said she wanted my MIL to get my information (location, address, whatever) so that she could press charges against ME for slander & defamation of character...So MIL asked my husband to give her my parent's info so the cousin could "press charges" while I was with my parents...He told her no and asked why she had gotten the cousin (and everyone else) involved anyway...

I told my DH that *I* was planning on pressing charges/getting a restraining order against his cousin for stalking, threatening...etc. He said no and that his cousin wasn't worth it, was harmless and that by doing that it would make things "ugly"...He HAS seen the messages but still doesn't seem at all affected by her crazy.

So here's where I need advice: How am I supposed to handle the situation? I haven't spoken to my husband about the stuff I'm about to write because I know it'll make him pissed. But I now resent his mom and brother more than anything. Especially his two faced mom. One minute she's all buddy buddy with me, and as soon as DH and I fight, she meddles and gets more involved than she ever needed to be.

But my husband is acting like *I* need to apologize to THEM because I apparently hurt THEM by hurting HIM...even though the fight had more to do with what he did than anything I did...But from my POV, they have nothing to do with our relationship beyond being a shoulder to lean on or a listening ear for him.

His mom wants to come to the hospital for the new baby's birth. She also wants me to bring our daughters over to her but I'm in refusal. She hasn't spoken one word to me since DH and I had our fight (which we have since worked through) and instead goes through my husband to try to make all these "plans". I honestly want nothing to do with them. I don't want his b*tch mom or brother coming over to our house to see the kids, I don't want them anywhere near us. I feel like, they involved a crazy woman who has threatened our lives, demeaned my children & family, and when I asked them to ask the cousin to stop, they did nothing except try to help this cousin "sue" me...So to an extent I feel like they feel the same way about me & the kids as the cousin does, they encouraged the behavior. I still do not understand why they felt compelled to drag everyone in to the situation, which had nothing to do with them.

So what do I do? I'm trying not to feel so emotional & hormonal about it all but being pregnant doesn't help the situation. Do I file a police report? Do I tell my husband I want nothing to do with his family (how exactly does one even do that? They ARE his family ). I'm not convinved the cousin is "harmless" like my DH would like to claim. Crazy people do crazy things and usually the more "harmless" they seem, the more likely they are to act.

Thanks for reading, if anyone even made it this far!

 

[Jozie]

well ive never been married but,,, id fone the police and as for your husband he should be able to clarify whos more important his wife and child or his mother and cousin. honestly thats a sick, that cousin is a werido ive been there and my partner told his cousin to fuck off and catch herself on. obv you will be seen as a victim as the police will see she mailed u first etc.

 

[subaru555]

I've learned that family can just be a word and it can stand for nothing, especially for my DH's family. Just ignore them, rise above it, stop responding they way they want you to. Withrdraw yourself completely from the situation and focus on repairing your relationship with your Husband and building your relationship with your unborn child. They are clearly not worth your while.

 

[Staceiz19]

i think you should do what you feel is right. After what his cousin put you through i mean threatening yours and your kids lives thats just not right. And then his mum basically sticks up for her after her grandchildrens lives have been threatned by her that to me is like wtf.
i agree with jozie , he needs to decide who is more important his wife and kids or them. I would be pretty pissed off at the fact they all seem to be brushing off the fact this nutjob threatened yours and your kids lives which is their family too!! If its going to make you feel safe then file a police report as its yours and your kids lives.

My partner agrees and would think that ur dh would want to keep his wife and kids safe anyway .

Goodluck hun x

 

[Newt4]

Wow that is crazy. There is a report button on facebook where you can report her. I also bring the police in to the situation. Threatening someone if no joke. How do you know if it was real or not. Not to mention she threatened the kids and your unborn child. Screw family relations your family is in danger and you need to do something about it. Your husband also needs to man up and stick up for you guys. I also wouldnt trust his mother with your children.

 

[MaybeMomSarah]

Would you be comfortable showing your husband the threats that the cousin made against you? So that he can see that they are legit and not something you are making up or exaggerating?

If you genuinely feel threatened by this cousin, I would report it to the police. If you believe it was just empty threats that she won't follow up on, I would still print them out and keep them in a safe place in case you need them in the future.

As far as contact with those members of his family that have threatened you and made trouble for you - keep your distance. Make it crystal clear to your husband that your MIL is to be no where near you when you are giving birth. The birth will be stressfull enough without having that negative energy around you. I would also be very reluctant to have her around your other child. I would at the very least make sure that you are around her and that child at all times during their contact (I would suggest your husband if you felt he was strong enough to correct the situation if your MIL starts discussing you with your other child in a negative way.)

 

[MrsNovBaby]

Hi Hun, nasty situation that you are in, lots of hugs. Anyways, what I would do is call the police and ask for their opinion, at least they would then know that you have been receiving threats. I would not let MIL come to hospital (my parents and MIL are not coming to hospital and I get on fine with them!!!), nor would I let my daughter go to hers - they have been very disrespectful to you and need to know that it is not appropriate to bring in the the extended family. I would seek more support from my partner and tell him exactly what you have said here.

Hope you manage to sort out things xx

 

[bathbabe]

aww hun. I would report it to the police. Print it all out and show them. Fuck family relations when they are threatening your life and the lives of your children! And tbh, if your husband doesnt support you, he is also a crazy nutjob along with the rest of his family! Xxx

 

[Thegirl]

It sounds like a horrible situation.
I would report the messages on Facebook. If they are threatening your life then they will ban her (I thought they would pass them on the the police too, but never having done it I really don't know).
Personally, I would also go to the police. Even if it was just so it was on record so if anything else happens they are already up on the history.
As for his family, I would have them compeltely at arms length. See them if you feel up to it, on your terms and where you are happy to do so. But why would you need to apologise to them for hurting him? It was never about her, only about the two of you. Regardless of why you needed time apart, you two needed it. It's got sod all to do with anyone else and as long as the two of you arer resolved then that is all that matters.
As for the birth, no way I would let them in the same hospital let alone the same room. It's your birth, not hers.
After his mother actually asking for your details after the cousin said she was going to sue you, I wouldn't leave my children in her care. She's made her position quite clear, she backs one of her family members who have threatened the life of you (a woman carrying her grandchild) and your children, no way I would trust her again with the care of my children.
I had a split from my partner a few years ago. We needed it and we were fine once over it. Had his mother meddled, I wouldn't have forgotten or forgiven, let alone if she had been telling all and sundry and then I ended up getting stalked and threatened.
It's because of her that you got threatened. She might not have done it or known it was going to happen, but it is because of her and her gossiping that you ended up having your children's life threatened, whilst obviously going through a rough period in your life plus whilst pregnant. And that is a shit situation to put anyone in.

 

[meggabear]

This is indeed a very tricky situation. I don't have alot of advice for you, but I'm thankful alot of the ladies prior to me have touched on some that I can't really help with. My family is of the divorced type and I've gone through family drama for years and suffered mental and emotional stress, but when I married my DH that was my whole world and I wanted to protect it from the nonsense of my family and their feuds, the best BEST thing for you to do is to NEVER permit them into your business and your OH has to agree, if a problem happens keep it to yourself and work it amongst yourselves, seeking advice is one thing, but knowing who to go to for support and advice is another and in this case family is not the place. You two need to make your own world and keep them out of it entirely, I rarely talk to my set of parents about troubles i'm having and we don't let their influence affect our relationship. so I would recommend you and your oH sit down and make a pact not to go to family if there is a rough patch (within reason of course), work it yourselves and seek counseling. Also, after the blatant threats and his mother being an enabler, I would not let her bother seeing my children until YOU get an apology, and even then I wouldn;t let the children be at her house without your presence, I do not mean to scare but my grandmother litterally caused trouble for my mom over my brother by taking custody of him under the pretense my mother couldn;t afford ect..ect. after all this, I'd say the trust is gone and to stick with not trusting untill your instinct says otherwise. and yes, go to the police, have it put on file and ask their advice, OH's sometimes just want to avoid drama and are not always right or too eager to turn a blind eye to avoid trouble, its better to set yourself up on a strong stand versus struggling later should things go down.

 

[Mumtobe1985]

i think personally first off you should reprt this to the police and let them decide whether she is worth being pressed charges against or whether she is harmless you have those messages on facebook to prove it and it really isnt for your partner to say as the threats have been made direct at you and your children, not at him so he isnt going to feel in the slightest bit threatened!!

as for having his mother at the birth not just out of principal or spite i would politely tell her that after evreything that has went on and she hasnt spoke a word to you since that you would rather she wasnt there as it's not her son that needs the most support it is you and lets face it what she gonna do write things down for her son to tell you since she isnt speaking to you!

sorry if that sounds harsh and i hope you work through it xx

 

[MrsJ08]

Oh dear this is a tricky one

I totally understand why you are upset with your OH's Mum and Brother but you can't hold them responsible for your OH's cousin's behaviour. I'm sure that they wouldn't condone what she has done and had no idea she would treat you like this when they told her what was happening. Also, are you sure it was your MIL & BIL that told her? Your OH seems very reluctant to pull her up on it, do you know for certain he didn't tell her himself? From what you have said your OH has seen the messages that were sent but your MIL hasn't. Personally I would print out the letters and send a copy to your MIL with a letter saying that you appreciate that when arguments take place it's natural for her to want to support her son. But, that you don't feel it was fair of her to involve the extended family and you want her to see the letters you were sent so that she can understand why you are so upset. I would also personally print off copies and report it to the police. Even if you don't take action at this stage I honestly think you should have it on record to cover your own back regardless of what your OH says.

I don't want to sound as if I am sticking up for your MIL because I do think she has behaved badly towards you by not trying to remain neutral. However, the truth is you don't know what your OH has told her. Just to give some perspective I know for a fact that the version of events my Dad gave his mother when my parents divorced omitted rather a lot of key facts. For example he failed to mention he had, had several affairs. Not surprisingly both my Dad's parents and siblings believed my mother to be the devil incarnate, because it's natural to come down the side of your own family member. However much you might try to be honest when you are relaying events to your family it's human nature to "spin" the story in a way that show's you in the best light.

I can understand why you want to withdraw from your MIL but I think that if you are serious about repairing the relationship with your OH you have to accept her as part of the parcel. You don't have to like the woman but you do need to try and find a place for her in your life as she is the grandmother of your children. It's just one of those situations where however hard it is you are better of "playing the game" and be seen to be involving her because ultimately it will be better for you that way and make your life easier.

I really hope you manage to sort this out and your OH gives you the support you need