RANT: What do you tell your un-supportive family members?

[kellyb]

Oh man, I'm so frustrated. My husband and I started our pregnancy with an ob/gyn, then switched to a midwife at a hospital-run birthing center, but now we finally realized homebirth is best for us, and we couldn't be happier about it.

I'm almost 37 weeks, and I am now so sick of having to defend myself, particularly to my mom, who of course, is an RN in an NICU! Ugh...it doesn't get much worse. All she can bring up is all the horrible things that COULD happen. She doesn't realize that the majority of childbirth is totally normal. Obviously, she sees the worst cases at work (but she won't acknowledge that what she sees at work are the rare cases)!

I knew she disagreed with my choice, so I did a ton of research to ease her worries, but she doesn't seem to want to look at it, since she and her nurse friends are convinced that they know better! Plus, apparently, I'm trying to say I'm smarter than them because I've done research. Ugh, I can't win. The only reason I brought up the research is to calm her concerns--she doesn't see this.

I've tried so hard to rationally, calmly talk to my mom about it, but she just gets so mad. I know it all comes from concern, but she just can't see that what I need most right now is positivity and confidence. She's even upset that my hubby and I don't want anyone at our birth except us and the midwife. Apparently she thinks that it will be safer if she can check the baby, since I guess the midwife may not know what to look for?! Oh heavens, I'm so frustrated. She doesn't get that I need calm, supportive energy at the birth.

I'm at my wits end, trying so hard not to blow my top, trying to stay calm for the baby. But why do people seem to WANT to put fear in my mind? All growing up, my mom told me childbirth was no big deal. Awesome! Now all of the sudden, since I'm doing HB she feels like she has to unload on me how much pain I'll be in! What the ! It just seems so mean to me. And I don't get it!

Sorry for the rant, but have you guys been dealing with this, and what do you do about it? I don't want to alienate my mom, but it feels like in order for me to stay confident, I can't talk to negative people. Ugh.

 

[sammiwry]

I cant help really other than to say I wanted a home birth and started off at home but went in at my own choice because I suddenly didn't feel comfortable and almost knew iykwim that I'd need help delivering.

I'm guessing though this still wouldn't ease your mum that because you start at home doesn't mean you can't go into hospital before a problem arises?

 

[ljo1984]

oh dear!! she really is in a bad place (work wise) to cope with this! there is a lady actually in here that works in NICU and is having a HB (ETA its rebaby- just had to go look lol), so she might have some better advice, but it sounds like she's very stuck in her views and thoughts, and your right she is seeing the rare and worst outcomes, and for every baby in there there are hundreds born who dont need their help! and if anything was to look out of sorts you can be transfered immediatly.
i personally have found that i just dont talk about it to people who arnt gonna be supportive, OH's side of family dont know as i think some of them will make jokes, and others will say im mad etc. its just hard with it being your mum! i really hope she'll come around, if your heart is set on it then its going to happen so hopefully she'll acept it. xxx

 

[chuck]

Oh I hear ya, even my husband wanted me in hospital and he said 'well I'll allow this homebirth idea but I do not support it'

Mum said ' I wish you would go to hospital I am scared for you'

ergh....I had to say well thanks for your concerns but this is MY birth and i will do it MY way.

It did mean not really really having a birth partner, hubby was there but he didnt do anything other than hold my hand (which was almost enough) but he didnt stop me being put in stirrups or having a managed 3rd stage.

Hun as horrible as it is to not feel supported it is only you that can do this you are strong enough!

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

Well I'm planning a homebirth with no support from anybody at all that I know, even my OH wants me to go to the hospital birth centre, but I am so adamant home is the best thing for me I'm not bothered. At the end of the day it is me who will be pushing this baby out so my wishes are top priority, as his would be if it were him!

I don't bring it up in conversations because to me it seems every single other person I know IRL who has had a baby claims they 'nearly died' doing so....

 

[chuck]

Oh and I blame a good old argument with my mum for my labour LOL

SHe had come to help look afer DS1 and we had a HUGE row the morning before my EDD I was screaming and shouting and effing and blinding all over the place. I shouted and shouted about how no one was supporting me and I was doing this alone so she may as well take DS1 and f**k off etc etc.

I was so pent up I didnt realise, but that blow out got it all out and I went into labour.

Not that I'm advocating an argument but I am saying dont let it get to you or you'll end up tense and full of rage!!

 

[madasa]

I say, "Would you like another cup of tea?" or "Could you pass the bean dip please?"

There really is no need to discuss it. It's you giving birth, not them. By defending your decision, you appear defensive, ie. not confident in your decision. Maybe just smile and say, "Well, thank you for telling me that. It's certainly something for me to think about. <insert another smile here> " Then go ahead and do what you know is right for you anyway

 

[1stBump_27]

I have a very unsupportive family. I mentioned HB idea as a passing comment before wee decided and we had plenty of laughs, 'you'll never manage that' and no understanding. So we haven't told them we've booked an independent midwife and having a HB. I feel its my body and if they can only be negative I'm not interested. I'm anxious enough about having another child to look after let alone worrying about the birth on top. I hope everything. Goes perfectly for you

 

[Waiting4bb]

I agree. Just tell your mom to butt out! It's your choice, your body, your baby. Everyone gets to make their own decisions. If you are relatively healthy and your baby is healthy there is absolutely no reason you can't have a safe birth at home. There is no evidence to suggest it's safer to give birth in a hospital. Just stick to your guns and tell your mom you love her but this is your call. Good luck!

 

[Blah11]

i think the best and most polite way to make it absolutely clear that its not her choice is to say something like 'me and OH have thought long and hard about it and we feel its the best decision for OUR family'.

 

[diz]

I say, "Would you like another cup of tea?" or "Could you pass the bean dip please?"

There really is no need to discuss it. It's you giving birth, not them. By defending your decision, you appear defensive, ie. not confident in your decision. Maybe just smile and say, "Well, thank you for telling me that. It's certainly something for me to think about. <insert another smile here> " Then go ahead and do what you know is right for you anyway

This is exactly what i did with my out-laws first time round. Kind of 'if you're not prepared to say anything nice then don't say anything at all' it allowed me to distance my self from their negativity whilst still letting them have their 2 pence worth.

I think as you Mom has such strong views about this you might just have to except that she's not going to be on your side and try to find a way to manage the situation.

For what it worth congratulations on choosing a HB I'm sure it will be an empowering experience for you. I can honestly say i found giving birth at home one of the most fascinating experiences of my life, and that why I'm choosing to do it again.

 

[kellyb]

Thanks so much everyone for your insight. I'm sad that so many of us have to go through this when the whole reason we are is for the health of our babies! It's pretty unbelievable. I think people forget that we are bright women who are not making some silly, haphazard decision, but a well-thought out, reasoned decision. Oh well, we definitely can't change other people's minds (even though they try to change ours!).

After the blowout with my mom, I'm curious to see if she calls. All in all, she has more to lose here if she remains stubborn, and that would be sad. I have a great mom, don't get me wrong, but this is the one time where I've felt totally unsupported--as though I'm purposely doing something to hurt others--so weird. Luckily though, I have a husband who supports this 100%. Thank goodness. And thankfully, though his mom expressed concern at first, once we told her about our research and decision-making process, she's been really cool about it...phew.

You guys are all awesome--I'm so proud of the decisions that women in this section of the forum are making. I wish you all tons of luck, and love, and support, and health, and confidence in your births. Now, I'm off to read some positive birthing stories...

 

[NaturalMomma]

That it's my birth and I'll birth the way I'd like.

 

[sun]

You are in the same boat as us

MIL is a nurse as well and when she found out we were pregnant again, she went on and on about how some women have home births and how it borders on child abuse as it's so risky???! I know she went on about it because she knows that a home birth is something I would do (and she's right!).
It was hard for her with our first having a midwife and not an OB.

Anyway, we are going to call her after the birth and let her know that LO has been born. We decided not to tell anyone who isn't 100% supportive of our decision, as criticism and fear mongering will only have a negative effect on my labour and we don't need that. I know my MIL would be the same - she actually got people who work in the NICU to call OH and tell him not to get a midwife with my son. So if she knew we were planning a HB, she would go insane.

Great that your husband is so supportive though xx

 

[missymoo2]

I'm hoping to have a homebirth one day, and if I do I won't be telling a lot of people, as I know that they will be very unsupportive. It will be hard with my Mum, she had 3 c/sections and problems carrying her babies so I think she will find it difficult to support me. MIL won't like it at all but I don't care about her opinion
In the end you need to do what you feel is best for yourself and your baby, your mum isn't the one giving birth.

 

[ljo1984]

You are in the same boat as us

MIL is a nurse as well and when she found out we were pregnant again, she went on and on about how some women have home births and how it borders on child abuse as it's so risky???! I know she went on about it because she knows that a home birth is something I would do (and she's right!).
It was hard for her with our first having a midwife and not an OB.

Anyway, we are going to call her after the birth and let her know that LO has been born. We decided not to tell anyone who isn't 100% supportive of our decision, as criticism and fear mongering will only have a negative effect on my labour and we don't need that. I know my MIL would be the same - she actually got people who work in the NICU to call OH and tell him not to get a midwife with my son. So if she knew we were planning a HB, she would go insane.

Great that your husband is so supportive though xx

my god this is beyond extreme! Ha ha, I don't get why people come to conclusions like this about hb! Madness! Xx

 

[hippylittlej]

You are never going to win this argument, so I would just try and avoid discussing it any further. The problem is that as she only sees problems it will be far too difficult to see beyond that. You know that you are right and that is all that matters.

 

[StranjeGirl]

Sorry you have the added stress My personal opinion is that since it is your birth, you will be making the final decision, but your mom has a right to an opinion since it is her grandchild.(doesn't mean you have to take her opinion, just that she has the right to express one!) It's easy to keep our mouths shut when it isn't related to us, but in her case it is. If I were afraid that my child was doing something to put herself or my grandchild at risk, I would say something. I think it would be best to show respect for your mom by sitting down with her and listening to all of her thoughts and reasons as to why she thought this was a bad idea, and then discuss with her all the reasons why you think it is a good one. Once you are done and your decision is the same, just tell her that you respect her feelings and you are going to stay with your original decision, and that you are sorry that you are on different pages but you have heard her out and made a decision and now you need her support. Remember that she is just as frustrated as you, probably more so because she knows that the decision is ultimately yours and she has no control. The situation sucks for you, but at least you have control over it! It sounds like she just cares about you, and unfortunately when people care they butt in! That's just my 2 cents. I hope everything turns out ok with you both!

 

[kellyb]

Thankfully, after a week of going back and forth, talking, then letters, then emails, we've resolved it! It looks like we both were kind of misconstruing what the other was saying, or how each other was saying it. Oh, those damn perceptions we all have! Anyhow, she ultimately understands it's my choice, and she wants to support me. Thank goodness. And I let her know that I understand her concerns (they were my own at one time too), and that I love and respect her, and we should be celebrating, not fighting. It all calmed down; I'm so glad! I think part of why she was so riled up is because she's been in pretty excruciating pain all week with a bladder infection...no fun. Thank you all for your feedback and support. Now let's continue to celebrate these pregnancies!!!

 

[madasa]

That's great news! About resolving differences I mean, not the bladder infection. Hope she feels better soon and let the Pax Partus continue! (I just made that up, can you tell I never did Latin at school?!)