Ready to start/feeling down/leonardo dicaprio

[clara123]

I am feeling a bit depressed at the mo as I'm just very confused.

i've been waiting to try for about 4 years now and had said i would start trying this august/september. i have been soooo broody for the whole time and really looked forward to trying for another. i have a 9 year old and a 4 year old so it was all about timing for school/nursery fees etc.

anyhow, the time has come and i'm now very confused. i'd always said i'd wanted 3 children. i had my first when i was 20 so was very young but never felt i'd missed out on anything. i'm married, got a nice house, lovely husband, we have nights out and big holidays, etc.

but now i'm questioning my life. i've recently turned 30 and i know it sounds stupid but i've watched a few leo dicaprio films recently which has made me question things. i've seen him in a whole new light- he's beautiful!! so i googled him and realised he's not married, etc. his lifestyle sounds great, going to ibiza, living in malibu etc. and i don't know why but that triggered me to start thinking i've done nothing in my life. i had dreams of being an actress when i was young but now i'm in a job that i'd never planned on doing (it's not a bad job) and have lived in the same city my whole life. i want to try something new, to live abroad or something but my husband is not interested. i feel i've made no contribution to society or done anything amazing in my life (apart from having my kids) and i want to do something.

i love my kids to bits and don't regret for one minute having them but i'm not sure i want another one now. i don't want when i'm older to look back and wish i had had another one.

long story i know and a bit random but i'm just so confused and keep crying. my youngest has physical problems so i'm worried if i have another one that they will also have physical problems and will i cope with that? he's also very angry and can be very hurtful at times, he's very difficult to cope with. he makes me very sad sometimes, saying he doesn't want me anymore and to go away. i think about the extra money i'll have and freedom when he starts school which i won't have if i have another one.

i'm really confused and not sure what i want. feels like an early midlife crisis. has anyone else felt this way when it came to start trying?

 

[Benjismom1987]

Okay, to address your first point.

There are days I wake up, utterly depressed because I feel I haven't contributed to society- at all. Before I got pregnant with DS, I was supposed to go into the Navy as a Nuclear Engineer (impressive, I know). I started having a lot of pelvic pain, and they diagnosed me with cysts, and "medically" discharged me so I could deal with the issue. They wanted me back at MEPS in no more than 6 months so I could refile the paperwork, get my medical stuff in order, get checked over, and continue on with my dream.

After that, I was just deflated, and wanted something to cheer me up. After a failed attempt, we got pregnant with DS and life has never been the same. I have had a LOT of medical problems, and I am no where near as fit as I was (I was 5'7" at 125lbs and could do pull ups.. seriously). I do not currently work, and it will most likely be some time before I will.

I could have been something, I would have been set- for LIFE. Instead, I settled on having a family (we still only have the one, and the doctors tell me that was some form of immaculate conception) and STILL looking to expand.


As far as your fears are concerned, every child and pregnancy is different. This is also something I have to keep in mind when we are trying to have another. Our son was born at 31w 5d and came very close to dying (was in labor for a week, on very dangerous drugs and he was born swimming in michonium- however you spell that). The drugs made it hard for me to breathe, and he had low O2 when he was born (my cousin that is a resp. therapist told me that he would most likely have breathing issues in the beginning because of that medication).

Today he is a happy/healthy 4 year old little boy that needs a brother/sister. I wanted to wait until he was in school to have another (make sure he was LONG out of diapers, I Didn't care to have two in diapers).

So in a way, we are kind of the same. Do I wish I would have done things differently? Maybe, but when I have those feelings, I look into my son's beautiful eyes and cry a little. My contribution to society is being a great mother and raising a respectful son. He brings his little (girl)friend flowers every time we see her, almost ALWAYS says please/thank you, and says ma'am/sir. He loves to learn and I would believe he has a bright future ahead of him.

I had to sit down and define what I believed the word "success" meant to me, maybe you should take some time to yourself, take a nice hot bath and contemplate this yourself?

Best of luck to you, and just know, you aren't alone.

 

[calm]

Thread closed as duplicate posting goes against forum rules