really struggling at the minute. lost all my excitement

[kitkez]

So me and my husband are having big issues. He's moved out. Hoping some time away will help us, but I don't think he's hopeful. He told me 3 weeks ago that he's lost his attraction for me, but everything else his fine. We were laughing and talking like normal before he left. He says he enjoys being with me and cares for me. I'm just so confused. And with the pregnancy hormones I'm really really struggling.

I'm 20 weeks tomorrow and having my scan Thursday to find it the sex. I was so excited. And now I barely care anymore. Its ruining it for me and I'm so angry and heartbroken and I just don't known what to do. And I feel guilty that I don't feel the same about this baby...I just want him to come home and realise what he's walking away from

 

[mandaa1220]

Have there been any other signs of things being off in general or in your relationship over the past few months?

 

[Talia12]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. Is it possible he's having a bit of a crisis about the new baby coming?
It's very possible that things could improve with some time apart, even if he doesn't think so right now. Give it some time. Do you have support? I can see you have two other children, it must be hard. Don't worry too much about your feelings - it's not that you're not excited about the pregnancy per se, it's just that you're having a huge life issue at the moment and that's detracting from your feelings about the baby. The baby won't know and will be fine, just concentrate on yourself at the moment.

 

[kitkez]

There's been a few signs but I put it down to my insecurity. I'm not a very confident person. I ask him way to often if my weight gain bothers him and how he cant seen it etc etc. If we're not intimate for over a week I'm asking if there's something wrong and why he doesnt seem to want it any more. I always peck at him. Its no wonder he's started thinking he has issues and decided he's not attracted too me anymore. I've been making him doubt himself for months.

Thanks for the replies. I honestly don't know how I'm going to do this. I'm just clinging to hope that he'll come back right now cause if i don't I really don't know if I'll hold myself together. He's just messaged me asking whether I want money from him weekly or monthly and I broke down. All his actions are making this seem so final and yet he says he's not left thinking it's the end. I'm trying my hardest to give him space and not keep asking how he's feeling but it's so hard and hard to believe if vhe's being honest with me about his feelings.

My mum and sisters live near by. And all my friends have said I can go round any time. Although they're all a 2 hour drive from me. I'm not a strong person and i don't know how to be. I've relied on him for almost 10 years. I made him my life. How do you start again from that. He's the reason I did anything. He saved me from myself when We got together. I literally owe him everything

 

[superfrizbee]

I'm so sorry you're going through this! Have you suggested couples counselling? It sounds like your relationship could be fixable if you get both get some professional support and guidance?

 

[nicem815]

So sorry you are dealing with this. Perhaps some time away will help your husband to reevaluate. However, it does seem like you need some time to work on how you feel about yourself. I know it is SO HARD. Don't give up on yourself and don't rely on him, or anyone else, to give you the confidence within yourself.

Remember that your baby is still a blessing, regardless of what is going on with your husband. Hang in there, momma. Take your friends and family up on their offers.

 

[kitkez]

Thank you. I've been to my doctor with regards to counselling for myself. He suggested couples counselling too but my husband wouldn't entertain the idea. I was told I could go by myself and it would still be a big help but I just can't afford it. The one he recommended was 60 pound a session. So all I can do really is work on myself. Keep thinking of I can love myself and feel confident and attractive that surely he'll start to see and feel it.

I feel a little better this morning. I seem to have a really bad day followed by an ok one. Which doesn't bode well for tomorrow and the scan. Hope I wake up having a good day. I'm 20 weeks today and all I feel now is lost and scared really. I feel like I've let my baby and children down. More so the baby as I wanted it more than him x

 

[LilBunny]

I'm honestly sorry for you and I imagine the whole situation is just horrible for you. But I don't think you should focus on blaming yourself and to be honest I think your husband is just being awfully selfish. It's not how what marriage should be, especially now when you're pregnant. Considering your issues maybe it would be good to visit a psychologist...

 

[nicem815]

Don't feel that you've let your family down because of HIS decision to leave. He is an adult and H's made his choices. Look, I have had TONS of moments of insecurity and not wanting to have sex, getting upset with my husband, etc. He has had moments that upset me, too. However, leaving isn't what you do...you try to work it out with each other. You try counseling together. I am sorry he isn't open to counseling.

 

[kitkez]

Thank you.

I knew when I married him that he runs when things get hard or confusing. He's truly awful at expressing and understanding his own emotions.

I've been given the details of a counselling group in my area. Meant to ring them today actually to have a phone assessment but i went out with the kids and forgot.

My mum bought me a little notebook and I've written a list in there or reasons to stay positive that he'll see sense and ways to make myself feel better. Also went back through years of photos and created a little album on my phone of the times I felt beautiful. And luckily not all of them are from my thinner days. I realised I didn't take anywhere near as many selfie pictures with my second son as I did with my first. I only started again 18 months after when I'd dropped the weight. And then I put it all back on again and haven't felt good since. Altho there are some pictures on there from only a few months ago. Need to look at myself with kinder eyes I suppose. And stop being so lazy and actually brush my hair and out a little makeup on.

I appreciate everyone's replies. No doubt I'll have another very bad day soon but today I feel good so I'm trying to make use of that.

Starting to feel excited for tomorrow now. I'm gutted my husband won't be there (not his choice, just work circumstance) it's going to feel very weird. My eldest felt the baby kick today and his face was a picture. I'm trying to bounce off their excitement for the baby x

 

[kitkez]

Oh and thank you. Its hard not to blame myself when I'm trying to understand and find answers. I know I'm not blameless. You don't just loose attraction for no reason. There's issues behind it. Its just figuring them out. We recently moved away from his home town and i feel as much as he says he loves where we are now that he misses his friends and the social life he had (all be it not very large) cause he has nothing here except me and my parents and hasn't found things he loves like his football that he used to play weekly x

 

[LilBunny]

I really hope things will get better for you. Fingers crossed! Stay strong girl!

 

[KatO79]

So sorry you're going through this

I can feel you because I have self-confidence issues myself although I grew up in a very dysfunctional family where my siblings (especially the one brother is particularly nasty) and my mother were and are very emotionally and psychologically abusive. I finally understood about 4 years ago that it's not me that's the major problem and it's them partly through the help of a therapist I had. I highly suspect they have a personality disorder, most likely narcissistic personality disorder.

Anyway what I did was find a positive self-affirming quote and put it up on my Facebook timeline each week. Something that reminded me of my positive qualities. I think that may be a better way than writing about how you're finding reasons to stay positive and that he'll come back. You need to start finding reasons to love yourself! This is crucial because how can you expect anyone to love you if you don't love and accept yourself? I can say that the quotes have helped me greatly and I don't need to do them weekly anymore, more monthly to remind myself.

As for pics I read something about that your kids won't care about how you looked in those pics once you're gone, they'll just want to have pics of you and them to remember you and all the fond memories they have of you. So even though I also have a bit of extra weight after the birth of my son almost 10 months ago, I always have encouraged my DH and everyone else to snap a pic when they think it's a good photo opportunity.

When it comes to your husband, I would say that him not having found friends or a hobby to pursue is all on him. I'm sure no one is stopping him from pursuing any of it. I seriously hope he isn't blaming you because that's going into emotional abuse territory. I'm sure there must be some clubs he could join and meet friends that way.

 

[nicem815]

So sorry you're going through this

I can feel you because I have self-confidence issues myself although I grew up in a very dysfunctional family where my siblings (especially the one brother is particularly nasty) and my mother were and are very emotionally and psychologically abusive. I finally understood about 4 years ago that it's not me that's the major problem and it's them partly through the help of a therapist I had. I highly suspect they have a personality disorder, most likely narcissistic personality disorder.

Anyway what I did was find a positive self-affirming quote and put it up on my Facebook timeline each week. Something that reminded me of my positive qualities. I think that may be a better way than writing about how you're finding reasons to stay positive and that he'll come back. You need to start finding reasons to love yourself! This is crucial because how can you expect anyone to love you if you don't love and accept yourself? I can say that the quotes have helped me greatly and I don't need to do them weekly anymore, more monthly to remind myself.

As for pics I read something about that your kids won't care about how you looked in those pics once you're gone, they'll just want to have pics of you and them to remember you and all the fond memories they have of you. So even though I also have a bit of extra weight after the birth of my son almost 10 months ago, I always have encouraged my DH and everyone else to snap a pic when they think it's a good photo opportunity.

When it comes to your husband, I would say that him not having found friends or a hobby to pursue is all on him. I'm sure no one is stopping him from pursuing any of it. I seriously hope he isn't blaming you because that's going into emotional abuse territory. I'm sure there must be some clubs he could join and meet friends that way.

Totally agree with so many things you said!!

OP, hope you are feeling better today. Hugs!

 

[kitkez]

My husband isn't blaming me at all. He's telling me not to blame myself. This week has felt like months and I just can't understand how he could leave me like this. This isn't the man I married he's being so selfish! I'm so scared about having this baby. I don't want to do it on my own, I'm worried I'm not going to bond with her (found out were having a girl). I've always wanted a daughter. And when they told me I just cried. I just feel so sad that I'm sat here by myself and when we should have been excited together. I know it sounds over dramatic but I feel like I'll never be happy. I was in such a bad place when we met and he literally saved me. I don't want to go back to that dark place. I feel so emotionally exhausted right now. I've struggled to keep my eyes open this afternoon which is so bad with a 3 and 6 year old In the house. I go to bed at the same time as they do cause I can't bear to be downstairs by myself.

I feel so stupid for making him my whole life. I've felt like I suffered separation anxiety to a point when he used to have a night away. How could I become so reliant on one person!

As you can tell it's another bad day today. I've fought the urge all day to beg him to come home and not to completely loose it and say something I'll regret.

I just feel totally lost right now.

Thanks for the kind responses. They do help xx

 

[kitkez]

I'm really fighting the urge not to turn to drink As Well. I had some in my cupboard from pre pregnancy and I poured it all away so that i couldn't have it. I find myself wishing I could just drink and tempting myself to have some :'(

 

[nicem815]

Please do not turn to drinking. If you are feeling this low, I strongly urge you to call any family member or friend you can stay with right now. Do not put your baby at risk, and do not put yourself at risk.

Life has chances every moment to get better. Don't give up!

 

[margeandmom]

I am so sorry you are going through this! Sending you hugs from far away.

I know it doesn't feel like this now, but this might be a really good opportunity for you to grow in your independence.

I deeply sympathize, because I used to be a very insecure / dependent / codependent person. I was extremely reliant on one of my ex-boyfriends and went through a severe depression when he broke up with me. After lots of heartache and therapy, I emerged a much stronger, healthier person who now knows how to make MYSELF happy and not be dependent on others for my feelings of self worth.

It sounds like you have some room to grow in this area. It's painful BUT so worth it!

Now, I still think your OH is being very selfish especially since there are kids involved!

But maybe it's good to let go of thinking about him and what does / doesn't do and just think about yourself right now.

He might come back to you. Especially when he sees how strong you are without him.

But he might not. I *hope* he's the kind of man that recognizes that he has kids and a family it isn't about him anymore. But sadly, he might not.

And it might be very empowering for you to surprise yourself and learn that YOU can do it ALL ALONE. You don't need him. YOU ARE SO MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE!!

Please keep updating and please don't drink It's not worth it. Self destruction is so tempting, but never solves anything.

 

[kitkez]

Not feeling quite so low today. I thought me and the kids were the most important thing to my OH and he says the kids are his number 1 priority but it doesn't feel like it. Just because he's found a job that will support us and himself doesn't mean he's thinking of them first.

I've just spoken to a charity called parabl that offer free councilling. I'm having a phone assessment on Thursday and they'll refer me for group/individual therapy and in which courses etc cause they do a lot. I'm hoping I can come out of this stronger. Stupid thing is I don't want to. I know that sounds backwards but I don't want to have to think about him Not coming home and not being in my life. That thought alone just kills me. I don't want to have to be strong by myself. I want to be stronger but with him by my side.

I don't want to drink which is why I threw the alcohol away cause I don't trust myself when I get so low. I've thought about it a lot though.

Time is going so slow right now. I wish it was closer to Christmas and baby being here soon have a distraction. But maybe it's good that's it's not cause hopefully I'll feel better when the time comes xx

 

[itwaaawendys]

Really just want to say don't at all blame yourself and think you've made him doubt yourself. The issue is completely him not you! Stay strong!