Really struggling.

[starryjune]

This 7th consequtive BFN really has me in the pits. My depression is kicking in hard. I had to stay home from work because I couldn't stop crying and still can't. I know I have so much to be grateful for, but this is my big goal in life, and it seems not meant to be. I have a good job but it's so slow and boring and has been for the past year. I really don't have ay more big life goals to achieve except motherhood. I feel like there's no real higher-purpose point to my life anymore. I needed this. I just don't want to try anymore. I am SO tired of every day being the same old, pointless thing. I keep losing friends and family (death or distance or drifting apart, even a friend developing a drug addiction and going MIA). SO EXHAUSTED and sorry to vent here but I have no one else I can talk to who won't freak out.

For those unaware, I have rapid cycling bipolar and my mrs (BOTH of them, no joke) stopped accommodating my work schedule for me to come see them, so I went off meds and don't have any medical help anymore. I am simply too frustrated and lack the energy to try for new ones.

Gosh, I sound pathetic.

 

[mrshan]

Vent away, sweetheart. I'm sorry you're having a rough day. Cry it out, have a shopping trip, and get out the bottle of vino.

Tomorrow will be better.

 

[Ckelly79]

Sorry your feeling this way. Rant away my dear x

 

[wonders10]

I am so so sorry that you are feeling so down. Getting a BFN is definitely tough and 7 months is a significant amount of time. Maybe you should still keep trying, but not get so worked up about it. BD a lot, and listen to your own body's signals, stress less and maybe it will come quicker.

I totally understand feeling alone and like there is nothing else going for you. I'm going to let you in on a secret. My fiancé and I broke up in September. He got cold feet about marriage and decided he didn't want to have children, or probably doesn't. But after a couple weeks, we have been seeing each other, dating I guess you could say, and also being intimate. That's how I found myself in the TWW. I don't even think I care if he is around, but I was so hopeful that I got a BFP so I could feel complete by having a child. I have no desire to date other men and I've started looking into sperm donors and home insemination. I just want to be a mom. I walk around work and home and in the community and I feel like everyone is looking at me with pity because I am single (sort of) and childless. That makes me feel pathetic.

As far as your mental health, have you tried looking into other Drs? Or discussing it with your job to see if there might be something they could do? Or could your Dr do a session over the phone? Just tossing out ideas, but I hope it works out for you. My ex-fiancé suffers from depression and anxiety and honestly, its what started to break us up. He just couldn't get past it and it took over his life.

Take your day today and wallow, its good for us. Eat junk food, drink some booze if you like, and watch all your favorite shows. Maybe even some online shopping. Tomorrow is another day and your little one will come to you when he/she is ready!

 

[Bee Bee]

First of all, with a father, gradmother and sister that all suffer from Bipolar, I know exactly where you are coming from! I have seen them all struglle with it and really, only my sister is doing well. And the only reason she is is because she is constantly on medication. I know its hard to find the motivation (especially once you are off it) but I promise that you'll feel better once you do! (And find the right medication at that). I think it's probably time for you to go Doctor shopping! You have to remember that YOU are the most important person in your life and if Drs dont want to work around you then that means they aren't good enough for you to be spending your time and money on!

You also have to remember that when you are a mommy (and it will happen, I promise!) then you need to be in the best place for them. My father raised us while he was not fully treated for his bipolar and I can tell you that it was a miserable childhood for me. And he is also fast cycling (it was a lot of being yelled at and punished in the mornings and then smiling and ice cream for dinner) so it caused me to grow up with a lot of anxiety because I had no clue what mood he would be in when I got home. And while, I have full confidence that you wouldn't ever be that way to your child on purpose, the unfortunate thing is that with bipolar, it's not really up to you is it?

And second, I am right with you on the BFN front. I have been trying for about a year and a half now and it has been a solid string of BFNs that whole time, up until last cycle. I got a BFP but then lost it immediately because it was a chemical pregnancy. I am currently going through the same thing right now. (or atleast, Im hoping its not another chemical, but it seems to be) And while it can get depressing, I can tell you one thing that I constantly have to tell myself:

You are going to have many, many more negative pregnancy tests than you will ever have positive ones.

And that's just a plain fact. We can't all get pregnant on the first try, every try. In fact, that is a the rare occurance. The most common thing that happens to all of us TTC is that we will get BFN after BFN after BFN. But you know what, that is what makes the BFP even more special, right?

Anyway! I hope I haven't offended you or made you more sad or anything. But please, keep your chin up! 90% of all women TTC take atleast one year to get their BFP and if not, then you can start seeing someone who will give you help to achieve it. You just have to take it in steps. But I really believe that you should take a little time to focus on your well being as well (not saying you should stop TTC) !

 

[starryjune]

Thanks everyone, it's good to know I am not alone.

I think maybe I am just not fit to be a mother, and my angel (my Oma who passed a few years ago who also had bipolar and was like a mother to me) is making sure of it. I just feel so lost. What do I do to find meaning and purpose in my life again?

And to clarify... I have been to so many doctors and tried so many med cocktails, and DH does not like me when I am on them. Everyone directly in my daily life is so busy and put off by any treatment for my bipolar. They say - but you are so accomplished! You aren't acting crazy!! You don't need that - just try harder! Well, I am running out of power.

 

[orionfox]

The best advice i can give to you is simply to not ttc. I can tell you have put a HUGE amount of pressure on yourself over wanting a baby. We just simply dont realise that we are doing soooo much harm to yourself. We have to ask ourselves one simple question: how do those who dont even want kids or ready for them get preggers so quickly? Its because they arent even trying and have NO stress. You dont need testing, opks, fertility monitors etc. All you need tondo is to relax and let it come naturally. Im sooooo glad ive taken this break. I feel WONDERFUL. I dont test unless i have too and not using opks or anything. Even my bond with hubby is sooo nice now. Dont let it stress you out. Thats why it takes soooo long for people. They put too much pressure on themselves and it stops you from achieving pregnancy. Its time dear that you take a much needed break so your body can do it on its own

 

[Bee Bee]

Thanks everyone, it's good to know I am not alone.

I think maybe I am just not fit to be a mother, and my angel (my Oma who passed a few years ago who also had bipolar and was like a mother to me) is making sure of it. I just feel so lost. What do I do to find meaning and purpose in my life again?

And to clarify... I have been to so many doctors and tried so many med cocktails, and DH does not like me when I am on them. Everyone directly in my daily life is so busy and put off by any treatment for my bipolar. They say - but you are so accomplished! You aren't acting crazy!! You don't need that - just try harder! Well, I am running out of power.

Those are the kinds of things people who don't understand Bipolar say. And again, I really think you need to focus on you. If you dont like how you feel on them, then thats fine, but don't let someone else determine whether or not you should be on something. You have to be your own advocate. They aren't in your headspace, no matter what, they have NO clue how you really feel. Please dont let them sway you from seeking treatment!

I can tell you that I know the whole doctor journey you are speaking of. I have hypothyroid and after 5 years of medicine and different doctors telling me to try the same old thing, nothing was happening. At some point, I just decided that I knew what treatment I needed (which was to have my thyroid removed completely) and I went through another 5 docs or so before I finally found someone who LISTENED. And I know that mental health is so much harder to find the right doc for; I know it all too well from my family. But just like with TTC, you'll strike out a bunch of times before you finally hit the jackpot.

 

[Bee Bee]

Also, I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit for! I know you say you are running out of power but I bet you still have more fight in you! You have to be a really strong person to deal with bipolar this long. You also have to be a strong person to see that many BFNs and still try.

 

[starryjune]

The best advice i can give to you is simply to not ttc. I can tell you have put a HUGE amount of pressure on yourself over wanting a baby. We just simply dont realise that we are doing soooo much harm to yourself. We have to ask ourselves one simple question: how do those who dont even want kids or ready for them get preggers so quickly? Its because they arent even trying and have NO stress. You dont need testing, opks, fertility monitors etc. All you need tondo is to relax and let it come naturally. Im sooooo glad ive taken this break. I feel WONDERFUL. I dont test unless i have too and not using opks or anything. Even my bond with hubby is sooo nice now. Dont let it stress you out. Thats why it takes soooo long for people. They put too much pressure on themselves and it stops you from achieving pregnancy. Its time dear that you take a much needed break so your body can do it on its own

Thank you for this and I know you are right. I have trouble giving up control but maybe I need to give DH all the thermometers, test strips, everything, and just use FF (stupid me paid for a year membership last month, what a waste) to enter in when I get my periods.

You agree then, I am definitely out as far as common sense goes, a BFN at 12DPO with a normal cycle (I always O day 13-15, always get AF day 28-29)?? Should I break out the booze?

 

[starryjune]

Thanks everyone, it's good to know I am not alone.

I think maybe I am just not fit to be a mother, and my angel (my Oma who passed a few years ago who also had bipolar and was like a mother to me) is making sure of it. I just feel so lost. What do I do to find meaning and purpose in my life again?

And to clarify... I have been to so many doctors and tried so many med cocktails, and DH does not like me when I am on them. Everyone directly in my daily life is so busy and put off by any treatment for my bipolar. They say - but you are so accomplished! You aren't acting crazy!! You don't need that - just try harder! Well, I am running out of power.

Those are the kinds of things people who don't understand Bipolar say. And again, I really think you need to focus on you. If you dont like how you feel on them, then thats fine, but don't let someone else determine whether or not you should be on something. You have to be your own advocate. They aren't in your headspace, no matter what, they have NO clue how you really feel. Please dont let them sway you from seeking treatment!

I can tell you that I know the whole doctor journey you are speaking of. I have hypothyroid and after 5 years of medicine and different doctors telling me to try the same old thing, nothing was happening. At some point, I just decided that I knew what treatment I needed (which was to have my thyroid removed completely) and I went through another 5 docs or so before I finally found someone who LISTENED. And I know that mental health is so much harder to find the right doc for; I know it all too well from my family. But just like with TTC, you'll strike out a bunch of times before you finally hit the jackpot.

You're so amazing and have no idea how much your words have helped. Can we stay in touch please?

 

[starryjune]

Also, I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit for! I know you say you are running out of power but I bet you still have more fight in you! You have to be a really strong person to deal with bipolar this long. You also have to be a strong person to see that many BFNs and still try.

I try and try and try, mostly for my DH and my CAT. It sounds silly but she is my "baby."

 

[Bee Bee]

The best advice i can give to you is simply to not ttc. I can tell you have put a HUGE amount of pressure on yourself over wanting a baby. We just simply dont realise that we are doing soooo much harm to yourself. We have to ask ourselves one simple question: how do those who dont even want kids or ready for them get preggers so quickly? Its because they arent even trying and have NO stress. You dont need testing, opks, fertility monitors etc. All you need tondo is to relax and let it come naturally. Im sooooo glad ive taken this break. I feel WONDERFUL. I dont test unless i have too and not using opks or anything. Even my bond with hubby is sooo nice now. Dont let it stress you out. Thats why it takes soooo long for people. They put too much pressure on themselves and it stops you from achieving pregnancy. Its time dear that you take a much needed break so your body can do it on its own

Thank you for this and I know you are right. I have trouble giving up control but maybe I need to give DH all the thermometers, test strips, everything, and just use FF (stupid me paid for a year membership last month, what a waste) to enter in when I get my periods.

You agree then, I am definitely out as far as common sense goes, a BFN at 12DPO with a normal cycle (I always O day 13-15, always get AF day 28-29)?? Should I break out the booze?

I dont think you are out yet at all! Most women dont get a BFP until atleast 14DPO. Plus, you are never out until AF rears her ugly head!

Also, just looking at your chart, you are still pretty far away from that coverline and your BD timing looks really good! So i would wait a few more days on the booze (although, even if you are preggers, a little wine wouldn't hurt it this far in. Its just a few cells at this point lol)

 

[Bee Bee]

Thanks everyone, it's good to know I am not alone.

I think maybe I am just not fit to be a mother, and my angel (my Oma who passed a few years ago who also had bipolar and was like a mother to me) is making sure of it. I just feel so lost. What do I do to find meaning and purpose in my life again?

And to clarify... I have been to so many doctors and tried so many med cocktails, and DH does not like me when I am on them. Everyone directly in my daily life is so busy and put off by any treatment for my bipolar. They say - but you are so accomplished! You aren't acting crazy!! You don't need that - just try harder! Well, I am running out of power.

Those are the kinds of things people who don't understand Bipolar say. And again, I really think you need to focus on you. If you dont like how you feel on them, then thats fine, but don't let someone else determine whether or not you should be on something. You have to be your own advocate. They aren't in your headspace, no matter what, they have NO clue how you really feel. Please dont let them sway you from seeking treatment!

I can tell you that I know the whole doctor journey you are speaking of. I have hypothyroid and after 5 years of medicine and different doctors telling me to try the same old thing, nothing was happening. At some point, I just decided that I knew what treatment I needed (which was to have my thyroid removed completely) and I went through another 5 docs or so before I finally found someone who LISTENED. And I know that mental health is so much harder to find the right doc for; I know it all too well from my family. But just like with TTC, you'll strike out a bunch of times before you finally hit the jackpot.

You're so amazing and have no idea how much your words have helped. Can we stay in touch please?

Yes, of course! If you like, I am part of an awesome TTC group on FB that is a bunch of us from BnB. A lot of us are struggling with infertility and have been trying for a long time so you'd be in good company. Message me if you'd be interested in getting an invite.

 

[orionfox]

Yeah I wouldnt count yourself out yet. Although a little drink is ok because its still too early as the placenta will not have taken over nurishment. Many people have had drinks at that time and nothing happened. But i feel your pain. I dont have any kind of depression, however its been just over a year of trying and its been super hard to not feel extremely down about it. Its also been hard enough as it is with a co worker expecting a little girl soon. You tend to feel hopeless that its never going to happen. But once you let go of that control it will feel so much better.

 

[starryjune]

Yeah I wouldnt count yourself out yet. Although a little drink is ok because its still too early as the placenta will not have taken over nurishment. Many people have had drinks at that time and nothing happened. But i feel your pain. I dont have any kind of depression, however its been just over a year of trying and its been super hard to not feel extremely down about it. Its also been hard enough as it is with a co worker expecting a little girl soon. You tend to feel hopeless that its never going to happen. But once you let go of that control it will feel so much better.

I am definitely giving up all this insanity until after the holidays, not worrying about using any barrier of course should the mood strike. I am actually so relieved I am going to visit my family solo in a couple weeks. I think DH and I need some breathing room. He's going to be so upset when AF comes

 

[starryjune]

Another big temp drop, tiny bit of pink when I wipe... AF is coming. I am so tired. I thought this would be what would keep me going. My existence here is pointless. I get nothing out of life anymore. I feel invisible or like a burden. Lord, why are you making me feel so out of options?