Really want a baby but feeling guilty for wanting a baby?

[TWO2TANGO]

Okay so this may sound silly, and it may all be in my head. I sometimes feel guilty for wanting a baby. I'll explain what is swimming in my head and then try and put it all together and explain why I am feeling the way I am feeling.

Neither of us have any children, I have never been pregnant.

My husband and I have been married for 3 months (to the day today) and so it's still really early but we are not planning to TTC till May next year, at which point we will be married a year. I still feel like it's early in our marriage so feel like I may do us a disservice having children now when I should be focusing on our marriage, but I will be 30 at the earliest when I become a mum if everything goes to plan, if TTC takes a while i'll be older. I want at least 3 children, 4 would be ideal, my husband is okay either way, so starting at my age is not exactly early. By 40 my mum no longer had periods. My first period was when I was 11, so I may stop them at a younger age too. I don't know.

I was diagonsed with PCOS in 2011. I've since lost 100lbs, had my hormone levels checked just last week and everything was a in a normal range. The unknown of PCOS makes me want to start trying now.

We own our own home (which makes me even more want a baby now)
my husband has a good job but ideally we both want to be working and have more savings stored away. (I can't work at the moment due to government legal reasons but expecting to be able to around November/December) So when I return to work my income will be solely put into savings.

My sister in law is a super strong advocate for not wanting babies. She says they ruin your body, ruin your marriage, ruin your finances, you can't do things you want to as much as people who don't have children etc etc... Very against having children, my mother in law really wants her to have children and will bring it up when she is around, during our wedding this was a ongoing conversation and annoyed me a lot but anyway. My sister in law is 29 so my MIL keeps saying oh you're already 29 and your husband is 33 (my husband is 25) and it's so nice for married people to have children and you've been married for over a year now etc etc.. so she thinks her son is too young to have children right now but her daughter who is my age is getting old. Smh, I feel like I am going to ruin her sons youth if we had children now, but I am the same age as her daughter!! I think a huge part of my guilt is here. So I moved to America from New Zealand and I don't have my parents here with me so I often feel like I need to please her so I have a good relationship with her because I don't have my mum around.

On the topic of my mum, she want's to be around for my children, her grandchildren and so she wants me to wait till she can be here in America for an extended amount of time, realistically this is about 5+ years away and I can't and won't wait that long but I know she wants to be a part of it and I do want her to be at the same time so it's making me feel really guilty that I am taking her grandchildren "away" from her in a sense.

I know this might be silly reasons but they are sitting heavy on my heart and I am so incredibly broody at the same time but I know my MIL wants her daughter to have babies first, but I know her daughter does not want to have babies and is super vocal about it. I know my mother wants to be a part of my babies lives in being around them but it's not a possibility because we live on different sides of the world. Is 1 year of marriage too early to start TTC? I feel like we have our home, my husband has a good job, I have lost 100lbs and my bloods look fantastic. So I really want a baby, really want to TTC but feel guilty at the same time, I want it to be a joyous occasion when we announce and have our children, not it be about my sisterinlaw who didn't/doesn't want children, or my parents not being able to stay more than 3 months etc etc

 

[missielibra]

Me and my SO have been together for 4 years. We ended up pregnant before the wedding (got engaged in December, got preggers early January, wedding is January 2019). Not the order we had thought, but we are fine with it. I had a colleague before who told me she regretted waiting. She and her husband got married and then, they thought, hey, let's wait a year so we can enjoy our two people life, and then, get to it. But then they got comfortable in their routine (and both really, really wanted kids) and before they knew it, 5 years had gone by and she had her first at 33. Well, now, she's having her second at 35 and she regrets it. She said she wished she had started from the very beginning.

But that's her. I mean, at the end of the day, it is what YOU are comfortable with and nothing else. For us, it didn't matter. Yes, we want time together but we wanted kids. It made no sense for us to wait to have us time because we realized, despite the strains and struggles it can bring, we couldn't wait to be A FAMILY, and we just didn't see what we would do in a year the two of us that we couldn't do with our baby. I think you just need to talk to your hubby and see how you both stand on it. What are those things you two wanna do until May that can't be done pregnant/with a baby?

As far as your SIL is concerned... I mean, you can't put your plans on hold because of someone else. If she doesn't want kids, and will never want them, at the end of the day, no matter how long you 'pause', she still won't have those kids and it's just your life that is being affected. So, you should go for what you and your hubby wants and your goals.

It can be difficult having your family far away. Most of my SO's family is in another country, but - again, it depends on what you need. If you want your kids now, 5+ years (if it happens... Immigration is a tricky thing), might be long. Especially as you've mentioned, what if it doesn't work right away. Or what if you wait 6 years, and then your parents can't come? My mom is - let's say very involved. And yes, my baby will be her grandson, and grandparents can't wait to be grandparents, but you can't see it as something being taken away from her. Because then, let's flip it, you have a life, and now, your baby time is being taken from you. Your dreams are taken from you (lets say you end up with 1 because you wait 7 years, instead of having 3 or 4). We love our parents, they do a lot for us, but you also gotta make the call that is right for you.

There will always be some joyous reactions and some less...pleasant ones. At the end of the day, if this is right for you and the hubby and it makes YOU guys happy, that is all that matters

Good luck with everything!

 

[Flueky88]

You have children if you want them. You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting chilren either.

Half truth to what your SIL said. I know of some people that get pregnant to "save" their relationship. Well it doesn't. Having a baby can put a strain on a relationship and even worse to a rocky one. I think it's a combination of sleep deprivation and post partum hormones. I love my husband now more than ever though now. Also, yes having kids does do a number to your finances, but you learn how to adjust your spending or bills. I know for some people their body, not having freedom to do whatever, whenever are deal breakers, but if you really want children they aren't.

We started ttc 7 months after being married. We'd been living together for almost 3 years though. So we felt married for longer than 7 months. We had a "pregnancy scare" and were dissapointed I wasn't actually pregnant. It was our signal that we were ready.

Ttc is very personal and you do what is right for you and your husband. No one else's opinion really matters.

 

[BB1982]

When you’re desperate to have a baby and are waiting it can be so incredibly hard. Have you spoken to your husband? At the end of the day it’s a decision for you both.
Your mother in law is always going to put your sister in law first, because that’s her daughter. You can’t hold off on life for their feelings.
You parents might not be there now for baby 1, but they’ll likely be able to have their extended stay what you have baby 2, or even 3. When do you think you’ll need your mum more? With one baby, or 3?? Lol.
With Skype and FaceTime you can still make sure your baby knows your parents and bonds with them.
I hope you work it out, and massive congratulations on losing so much weight, amazing! X

 

[TWO2TANGO]

Me and my SO have been together for 4 years. We ended up pregnant before the wedding (got engaged in December, got preggers early January, wedding is January 2019). Not the order we had thought, but we are fine with it. I had a colleague before who told me she regretted waiting. She and her husband got married and then, they thought, hey, let's wait a year so we can enjoy our two people life, and then, get to it. But then they got comfortable in their routine (and both really, really wanted kids) and before they knew it, 5 years had gone by and she had her first at 33. Well, now, she's having her second at 35 and she regrets it. She said she wished she had started from the very beginning.

But that's her. I mean, at the end of the day, it is what YOU are comfortable with and nothing else. For us, it didn't matter. Yes, we want time together but we wanted kids. It made no sense for us to wait to have us time because we realized, despite the strains and struggles it can bring, we couldn't wait to be A FAMILY, and we just didn't see what we would do in a year the two of us that we couldn't do with our baby. I think you just need to talk to your hubby and see how you both stand on it. What are those things you two wanna do until May that can't be done pregnant/with a baby?

As far as your SIL is concerned... I mean, you can't put your plans on hold because of someone else. If she doesn't want kids, and will never want them, at the end of the day, no matter how long you 'pause', she still won't have those kids and it's just your life that is being affected. So, you should go for what you and your hubby wants and your goals.

It can be difficult having your family far away. Most of my SO's family is in another country, but - again, it depends on what you need. If you want your kids now, 5+ years (if it happens... Immigration is a tricky thing), might be long. Especially as you've mentioned, what if it doesn't work right away. Or what if you wait 6 years, and then your parents can't come? My mom is - let's say very involved. And yes, my baby will be her grandson, and grandparents can't wait to be grandparents, but you can't see it as something being taken away from her. Because then, let's flip it, you have a life, and now, your baby time is being taken from you. Your dreams are taken from you (lets say you end up with 1 because you wait 7 years, instead of having 3 or 4). We love our parents, they do a lot for us, but you also gotta make the call that is right for you.

There will always be some joyous reactions and some less...pleasant ones. At the end of the day, if this is right for you and the hubby and it makes YOU guys happy, that is all that matters

Good luck with everything!

Congratulations on your soon to be arrival and wedding! I KNOW I will regret waiting if we have a difficult time conceiving. I had always envisioned having my first child around 25 and now at the earliest I will be 30, considering I have PCOS I worry it won't be easy. I think the only thing we will do in the mean time is add to the savings and I want to lose some more weight so I have room to grow with a pregnancy. Thank-you for flipping it, I never even thought of it that way I just didn't want her to miss out on time with her grandchildren.