Relationship Problems

[msq]

I have been with my fiance for about a year and a half and I have a 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship. My son is due September 27th and I'm really scared how I'm going to do this. I know I will be a good mommy but I'm doubting how supportive my fiance is. I get cash aid through the county i live in and in order for me to add the baby to our case and get more money for the baby I have to turn off my cash aid for 2 months which means I lose that income as well as income from my job since the county pays me. My fiance seems very reluctant to find a job to make up for the income I would lose and is telling me it would be selfish of me to turn off the aid for the two months because the county also pays him for caring for my daughter while I work and go to college full time so apparently he thinks I should continue working, going to school, being pregnant, and not get more cash aid for the baby so he can continue to get paid for watching my daughter. I am so stressed out and he doesn't seem to care how I feel at all or understand that I could really use the break from work so I can enjoy being pregnant and spend more time with my daughter as well as get the cash aid for the baby. I dont know what to do and I feel so alone

 

[suesue]

Tell him you need a break and it's time he gets a job after all it's his baby too that's in you belly x hope everything works out for you x make sure you put your foot down with him

 

[EmzyJA]

Yeah I think you need to sit down and have a talk with him about it all. Obviously you're just doing what will be best long term and he needs to play his part too. Hope you can work it out

 

[CastawayBride]

Remind him he is a man goodness gracious what is with some of these men I have been hearing about on the boards!?

I, being the head strong woman I am, would tell him his crap will be packed up if he didn't get a job! No time for losers...

 

[bumpbear]

How long has he been looking after your daughter? Did he give up work to do so and why is he hesitant to look for work?

I guess all of these factors are relevant in considering whether he is being completely unreasonable or not.

 

[cookette]

Step up and be a provider and a MAN!! Good grief!

 

[bumpbear]

Is the pay that he gets greater than the cash aid you'd get for the baby and do you share your finances? I'm just trying to see if he has a valid point.

There is nothing wrong with being a stay at home dad. My dad was one in the 80s (gasp!) and it was wonderful for us 5 kids! My mum had the larger income so it made more sense that she worked. He was belittled by many people for not going out to work, but it was what worked best for our family. I am unimpressed with the 'be a man and provide' comments when there is not much background given. If he is just being plain old lazy, the comments are warranted. If he is suggesting this option because it makes most financial sense, perhaps he is not entirely wrong.

 

[cookette]

I have been with my fiance for about a year and a half and I have a 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship. My son is due September 27th and I'm really scared how I'm going to do this. I know I will be a good mommy but I'm doubting how supportive my fiance is. I get cash aid through the county i live in and in order for me to add the baby to our case and get more money for the baby I have to turn off my cash aid for 2 months which means I lose that income as well as income from my job since the county pays me. My fiance seems very reluctant to find a job to make up for the income I would lose and is telling me it would be selfish of me to turn off the aid for the two months because the county also pays him for caring for my daughter while I work and go to college full time so apparently he thinks I should continue working, going to school, being pregnant, and not get more cash aid for the baby so he can continue to get paid for watching my daughter. I am so stressed out and he doesn't seem to care how I feel at all or understand that I could really use the break from work so I can enjoy being pregnant and spend more time with my daughter as well as get the cash aid for the baby. I dont know what to do and I feel so alone

This alone is valid, for me. I repeat my point, "MAN UP."

 

[CastawayBride]

I have been with my fiance for about a year and a half and I have a 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship. My son is due September 27th and I'm really scared how I'm going to do this. I know I will be a good mommy but I'm doubting how supportive my fiance is. I get cash aid through the county i live in and in order for me to add the baby to our case and get more money for the baby I have to turn off my cash aid for 2 months which means I lose that income as well as income from my job since the county pays me. My fiance seems very reluctant to find a job to make up for the income I would lose and is telling me it would be selfish of me to turn off the aid for the two months because the county also pays him for caring for my daughter while I work and go to college full time so apparently he thinks I should continue working, going to school, being pregnant, and not get more cash aid for the baby so he can continue to get paid for watching my daughter. I am so stressed out and he doesn't seem to care how I feel at all or understand that I could really use the break from work so I can enjoy being pregnant and spend more time with my daughter as well as get the cash aid for the baby. I dont know what to do and I feel so alone

This alone is valid, for me. I repeat my point, "MAN UP."

i second this, I don't care if a man wants to be a stay at home father, I actually asked my husband to do just that. It is when they want to have you cook/clean/work/give birth and then throw shade when <gasp> you ask them to pick up the slack. That is when they have to remember they are a man and must provide for their family, or someone else gladly will!

 

[msq]

He has no reason not to find a job. The amount he gets from the county for watching my daughter is $300 less than I get from cash aid, and if you count my income from work then it is $700 less. He also owes me over $400 because he doesn't have enough income to support even himself. I feel so screwed, and so alone and I'm afraid I'm the only one who can change this and it would be by leaving him and doing it on my own. He tells me he try his hardest to find a job but hasn't applied anywhere in the 3 or 4 weeks he has been saying that. I love him and sometimes he can be good to me and he is the only father figure my daughter has but I just feel like this isn't what I wanted and I've expressed that to him with him promising change but nothing ever does.

 

[bumpbear]

Ah, I thought you shared finances and household responsibilities, but it seems as though you are not a unit in that sense so I can see why its pissing you off. There is only so far you can push someone in my experience. I am not sure how I would handle this situation. It must be so infuriating. I guess I would do what's best for you and your kids if he can't be relied upon and if that means he ends up incomeless, thats his own problem. If he has been doing a good job of looking after your daughter though (rather than just sitting home and being feckless), give him a bit of credit where it is due. If he feels that nothing he does is being appreciated, he will continue being belligerent on the matter.

 

[msq]

I feel he mostly plays video games at home while I'm gone, actually even when I'm there. My daughter loves him though and when he isn't sucked into video games then he is good with her.

 

[N27murray]

I feel he mostly plays video games at home while I'm gone, actually even when I'm there. My daughter loves him though and when he isn't sucked into video games then he is good with her.

ok, if he's one of those guys who puts videogames on their 'priority list' rather than playing them during free time then id say yes he does need to 'man up'.

he needs to provide as best he can so if that means getting a job so you can be home (taking care of lo and house, not playing games) then he should do that. If it means doing more around the house and with lo so your life is easier with work, then do that. But to say he's a good father when he's not playing games sounds like you're with a child. Tell him the truth, if things would be easier without him, tell him that. It sounds like he is enjoying the lazy lifestyle.
not fair to you...