Request for the LTTTC section.

[zanDark]

While I haven't been on the forum for years on end like other members, I've been here long enough to share personal thoughts and feelings; I've been here long enough to say prayers, offer hugs and cry at the frustration of my LTTTC sisters.

That said...

I believe that the LTTTC forum should be made into a private section. There is a lot of pain and a lot of venting in there...and I'll be the first to admit that we struggle with our venting as much as we struggle with our LTTTC journey!!

Sometimes our vents make us feel bad about ourselves...guilty...make us wonder if we're terrible people!!!

Having random people with babies or big bumps come in to OUR safe haven where we feel less alone to be told that we should "And as for coping mechanism well sorry maybe you should be the bigger person" (and that's a direct quote) and that they shouldn't have to feel guilty about their three kids just because we're struggling is beyond unacceptable.

None of us have EVER ventured into other areas of the boards to tell people that they should feel guilty!!! I myself have offered hugs to people suffering with gender disappointment (before their section was created) or to people that were feeling overwhelmed by their pregnancy!!! I congratulate people on their birth stories or their beautiful baby pics because I love seeing their beautiful families....but I have the RIGHT to vent about pregnant women, births or pics on my down days IN THE SECTION CREATED FOR IT!!!!!!

Our pain is real.
Our pain is constant.
Our pain has impact on the relationship we have with ourselves, our partners/husbands/boyfriends/girlfriends and our loved ones!

Our freaking pain isn't open to judgment by people who DON'T and CAN'T understand it!!!

We're not a freak show for people to wander in and JUDGE!!!

The few wonderful mommies that have popped in from time to time just to offer us hugs are amazing and greatly appreciated...but they're few and far between compared to the mommies that feel that they have a right to judge our struggles and our feelings!! Yeah thanks ladies!! We can do that on our own...we judge OURSELVES every single day!!

I hope Wobbles and the team will take this into consideration..and I apologize for the tone and length of my post but I'm typing it in tears after what I've just read in the LTTTC boards.

I believe that it's extremely important for our safe haven to REMAIN safe!!!

 

[smallstar]

zanDark i 100% echo with what you have said....this is the first place i have come and felt i can unleash the pent up sadness, anger and physical heartache pain that i have to deal with on a daily basis, and more so try and conceal and hide to the rest of the real world so as to not offend or seem like a totally bitter hateful person!!!
As zanDark has said above I have never, nor would i EVER judge or be rude or inappropriate to anyone on this site....and therefore expect the same in return.....the LTTTC section speaks for itself, we are a group of women with feelings and yearnings just like the rest...unfortunately we have been dealt a bad card in this part of our lives and dealing with it every day is painfully unbearable!!! Being able to escape to this "safe haven" for me, personally, has literally been a god send!!!! and has meant that i have not felt so alone like i have been singled out in all of this....i came here to let off steam, shout, be angry, support, help and try to heal...not be judged.

zanDark - I admire your courage for speaking out and saying what i believe the majority of LTTTC'ers have been thinking

(Sorry for jumping in on your post with my lengthy reply!!!)

x

 

[BearsMummy]

Thanks for writing this zanDark.

 

[zanDark]

(Sorry for jumping in on your post with my lengthy reply!!!)

I took a leap to start this thread in hopes that other LTTTC ladies would speak up as well so we can bring attention to this issue and see if the awesome BnB team will help us find a solution please don't apologize!!

Thank you for taking the time to write out your feelings

 

[zanDark]

I don't mean to be a spammer

but BearsMummy brought up another issue in the LTTTC forum. New users with a few posts wandering in and announcing their BFPs. Truth be told, we don't know their history or how long they've been trying most of the time....but it's difficult on us. I don't know how these issues can be resolved to avoid people getting upset...but if it were private for people LTTTC their first baby and people needed 50 posts to be accepted, maybe we'd avoid situations like the one BearsMummy mentioned in the LTTTC board.

I'd also like to say that I really appreciate the mod's hard work and their immediate response to the post I reported earlier I know that they can't be around 24/7 as they have personal lives but I appreciate Arcanegirls very quick actions and support


I promise to shut up now

 

[Just_married]

I'd appreciate ltttc forum being private or limited to someone having posted 50 times. Hopefully by that time they would have picked up on the guidelines & feelings of those in ltttc.

I'm not site that it should be limited to ltttc baby#1 tho. Some on here have older children & been TTC in a new marriage, some have had a child and been bereaved of it.

But I would greatly appreciate the moderators evaluating the benefits of some changes considering the high emotions involved in the ltttc forum.

 

[zanDark]

I'm not site that it should be limited to ltttc baby#1 tho. Some on here have older children & been TTC in a new marriage, some have had a child and been bereaved of it.

you're absolutely right. I wrote that while thinking about a very specific incident and promptly removed it because secondary LTTTC is painful too! I know my mom tried to conceive me for 11 years after she had my brother without even trying

 

[SabrinaKat]

Wow.....I'm so sorry that a few 'lucky' ladies have come onto the LTTTC and made everyone feel so bad -- I was tttc (over 2 years) and have gone to over-35 lttc to offer 'hope', but never, never, never to belittle anybody -- can you have these 'ladies' banned at least?

My only comment regarding restricting access would be that there a lot of ladies who are members and guests who wouldn't post, but would get such great comfort from knowing that others are going through the same struggles (it did for me especially when getting my AF again and again....) and that making the forum private might make it harder for them? Another idea, tho, would be a members-only (ask for permission) forum?

best wishes

 

[zanDark]

Thank you hun yes the member only through permission is what I meant by private I should have worded it more clearly!

 

[StephieB]

I don't really have anything to add as all of the lovely ladies on here have already said perfectly how I feel about the LTTTC boards, but wanted to show my support for having LTTTC a private section.

Thanks zanDark for taking the time to write this

 

[rosebud_01_99]

i also agree it shoud be made a private forum as its getting annoying how many outsiders are commenting inappropriatly or posting their bfps in there. rosebud

 

[smallstar]

I do agree that it might be better to have it private rather than against how many posts ie 50+....despite being a member for a while i have only really recently had the courage to actually join threads and sections and post MY feelings and thoughts and try to support others....as someone else mentioned, i was one of those that spent a lot of time just reading others posts and journeys and felt comfort from knowing i wasnt alone in this fertility nightmare

 

[AP]

I will say the BFP announcements are inappropriate and I will be happy to move to the relevant sections where required. (I will move those of late) We would ask that if you do come across post/thread like this feel free to report and we will deal with accordingly.

As for the main concern in your post, I'll see that Admin is aware of this thread.

Thanks

 

[SnuggleMum]

I can relate to the OP not wanting 'outsiders' to come in, but I can also relate to the feeling of stumbling onto a topic (especially with an emotive title) and then being frustrated by the content, and wanting to reply. Venting is one thing, but when the venting seems to be attacking a view that many people have, it can easily be taking as a criticism. I think things like NHS resource debates have wide ranging views on both sides, and both parties have potential for upset. Comments about 'waste of space parents' and similar can get 'the other side' riled a bit.

Perhaps it would be best if it were private, because it is so easy to stumble upon a post, read it, get frustrated and want to reply, but then that reply isn't welcome. Perhaps less hurt for everyone if the vents were private, so they don't annoy those who disagree?

 

[Gunnhilde]

I can relate to the OP not wanting 'outsiders' to come in, but I can also relate to the feeling of stumbling onto a topic (especially with an emotive title) and then being frustrated by the content, and wanting to reply. Venting is one thing, but when the venting seems to be attacking a view that many people have, it can easily be taking as a criticism. I think things like NHS resource debates have wide ranging views on both sides, and both parties have potential for upset. Comments about 'waste of space parents' and similar can get 'the other side' riled a bit.

Perhaps it would be best if it were private, because it is so easy to stumble upon a post, read it, get frustrated and want to reply, but then that reply isn't welcome. Perhaps less hurt for everyone if the vents were private, so they don't annoy those who disagree?

I actually found myself really wanting to reply to that thread that I did stumble upon containing that "waste of space" and that parents who went through IVF "wanted their child more", but I held my tongue. It upset me a little though. My parents were LTTC and my mother suffered through a number of miscarriages before she had me. Guess what? They were really awful parents. It has nothing to do with with how long they tried for - they would have been awful if I had been an accident in the back of a car.

Perhaps we could all just learn to bite our tongues and not judge others based on their fertility?

 

[zanDark]

I understand what you're saying hun...and I've come across threads that have irritated me in the pregnancy forums or baby forums...but I'm polite enough to not insult people participating in that thread simply because I don't know what it's like to be pregnant or a mother!

I expect the same courtesy from people who have no idea what it's like for LTTTCers.

And I honestly mean no offense at all, but this is the reason many of the ladies would like it to be private. We have to "defend" ourselves from soooooo many people in real life!! Why should we have to defend ourselves in the area that is specifically made for us?

I don't see a reason for people that aren't LTTTC to lurk through that section at all but I guess some people get some kind of kick out of reading about other people's misery??

 

[zanDark]

Perhaps we could all just learn to bite our tongues and not judge others based on their fertility?

OK...

the specific thread being mentioned was in the LTTTC forum and was a rant about how LTTTC is perceived by people who don't understand, and what is written on the internet about us.

We don't have to bite our tongues in the LTTTC forum because it's there for us to rant, vent, freak out, cry, be hopeful, scream, express pain and talk about our medical procedures etc. It is OUR safe haven...not a place for nosy people to see what life is like when you have no idea if you'll ever have a child or not.

I can't for the life of me imagine WHY anyone who isn't LTTTC wants to go in there and read all the sad and angry posts!

But thank you for proving my point!

 

[Gunnhilde]

I don't see a reason for people that aren't LTTTC to lurk through that section at all but I guess some people get some kind of kick out of reading about other people's misery??

The reason I like to read some of the threads is because almost every single woman in my family becomes LTTC past the age of 34. Several of my cousins and female family members were unable to conceive or keep a sticky baby at all. I've learnt so much about what can be done if I have those problems in the future. If I just read things in the TTC section, a lot of those women don't have the fertility problems that women in my family have, so it wouldn't exactly be educational or helpful.

I can't speak for everyone on account of that though.

I'll leave it at that, but it hurts that you feel so much bitterness towards people like me, who've done nothing at all towards you and can only sympathize because they've seen their family go through the same.

 

[zanDark]

I don't feel bitterness against people like you hun. But you can't possibly understand how LTTTC feels no matter what your family has been through. My mother was LTTTC for 11 years and I never understood until recently...and I still can't wrap my head around TTC for 11 years when I've been trying for 2+

I feel bitterness against people with a house filled with children that come into the LTTTC forum to tell me how I should feel about not being able to conceive. I feel bitter against people judging me when I'm in the one place I can rant and let my feelings out. I feel bitter that there isn't a single private place for me and the other ladies to vent and cry without being judged by people who can't possibly imagine what it's like....but I guess I'm talking to a brick wall.

I'm sorry that it's hard to understand how we feel about it.

I'm also sorry that LTTTC no longer feels like home and I won't be participating in it anymore because I don't want to share my darkest thoughts with people who don't understand and just think "oh..soooo OTT".

 

[Just_married]

Em, not meaning to be sarcastic BUT the comments referred to were in a thread CLEARLY titled the ULTIMATE VENTING THREAD in the ltttc section.

Nobody forces ppl to click on it. It is clearly a thread to vent frustrations. If it offends you, don't click on it. If you do, omg it's full of ppl upset by the agony of not having a longed for baby. Who would have thought?!

Or is that to simple for ppl to inderstand?

So as I said earlier, please do make it private so ppl don't stumble upon it by accident. If you want tips on ltttc then check the other threads, but the ultimate venting thread should be a safe place for those venting.

Thank you!