resentment of step-child

[Rose_red]

Ok so my OH has a 9 year old son from a previous relationship. I get on with him fine but since being pregnant I feel like I resent him being here (he stays at w/e). I wish my baby was my partner's 1st child, it feels like this isn't as special for him as it is for me.
Can anyone else relate to this? I feel like a cow but I can't help how I'm feeling.

 

[Kristin52]

aw, no advice but wanted to send hugs, and I hope you feel better soon.
..oh, and I'm sure having another baby is just as thrilling for him as it was with his first child. xx

 

[Rose_red]

just doesn't feel like it

 

[Julia323]

just doesn't feel like it

That's something I would definitely discuss with him if you genuinely feel that way. I'm sure it is very special for him, maybe he isn't expressing it as well as he could!

 

[painted_pony]

.

 

[Fruitymeli]

OMG! thank goodness I'm not alone. My husband had a child on accident with his first ex wife. She's now about seven. He didn't want that child. He ended up divorcing her right after he found out, but they were in the process of seperating when she got pregnant anyways. His first ex wife was nothing but a whore and slept with about every man she ever knew. Anyways he doesn't have much contact with his kid. His choice. His mother on the other time drags her ass over here all the time and I can't stand that girl. I dont want to even see her, hear about her or look at her. But his mom keeps trying to force my husband and I to pay attention to her when we dont really want to. He hardly even knows this child, she calls him by his first name. He sees her maybe two days a month when he's home.

Today she took her elbow jammed it into my belly and pressed a ton of weight onto me. I got so pissed, I honestly wanted to smack her in the face. How dare she do that to me? She even knows I'm pregnant. I just don't want to have anything to do with her. She will NEVER be my child. I don't treat her mean, I don't hit here, I give her hugs back when she hugs me even though I don't feel the same towards her. I would never do anything mean to Her, but I hate having her around. She's not my responsibility. If I wanted to send time with her, then I would be picking her up and not having her shoved in my face.

shes only a child what a way to think .

 

[Jaylynne]

Wow painted pony I feel bad for the kid. Not her fault her parents split up, her mom slept around and her father wants nothing to do with her. Kids are smart and pick that resentment up. You may not like her but it's totally not fair to the kid.

While I love my stepson, I do feel a little robbed of this baby being the first for both DH and myself. DH has been awesome with me and pregnancy, but I would have preferred my baby to be the first ultrasound picture etc. It's hard but I knew going into marriage what the situation was.

 

[painted_pony]

Yeah, she's a kid and has known forever about this baby. All the other kids in my life have known as well, and none of them have ever done anything like that to me. I was even told that I should have punished her for doing it because she knew better but I didn't because I would have felt bad. I've been so careful during this pregnancy, and then that happened.

 

[Jaylynne]

So what. Your feelings and resentment towards the child probably caused her to act out. She shouldn't have done it but she doesn't deserve to be treated like crap by her own father and stepmother.

There's a huge difference between feeling a little resentment that your kids weren't the first and feeling as if it wasn't as special then actually despising an innocent child who did nothing to you and I'm talking before the elbowing incident.

 

[painted_pony]

Like I said, I've never once been mean to this child. I've never even disciplined her even when she needed it the most. Yeah, I'm totally she that I asked for a kid to smash me in the belly. That's exactly what happened. That's so wrong. Nobody treats her like crap when she's here, its just that we don't have anything to hardly do with her and that is mainly my husbands choice, strongly backed up by me. If he changed his mind about her, I'd support him only because we are married. Apparently people aren't allowed to have opinions in your world.

 

[Maybe1daysoon]

really painted pony... if a man can turn his back on his own child then what makes you think that he couldnt do it again? "its just that we don't have anything to hardly do with her and that is mainly my husbands choice, strongly backed up by me." in my opinion, (im sorry) but you sorta sound rediculous. i am sure you dont mean to but you make you husband sound like a dead beat dad. I wish you the best of luck and hope he doesnt turn on you as well.

As far as not being "mean to her". it doesnt matter she can sence that you and her father dont want her around. you dont have to tell her.

 

[painted_pony]

My husband is honestly the best man anybody could ever have. Of you knew the entire situation surrounding his relationship w/his ex, and their divorce, you probably wouldn't be bashing him for these things. I've have never refused to let their relationship grow. In fact I asked him numerous times if she was ever going to stay with us for a visit, so they could spend time together. That wasn't for me, that was for their benefit. She never did end up staying with us for a visit, not my call. We live very far away from her real mother & we were always the ones picking her up anymore. Her mom makes no effort in allowing visits either. This relationship between them was messed up long before i got into the mix. My opinion on her will not change tho, she will never be my child. I cook for her, watch her, play games with her, talk to her on the phone long distance, hug her and everything that being a stepmom entails. However. My opinion on her or the situation is unlikey to change.

 

[Jaylynne]

Your husband can dislike the ex all he wants, I've no problem with that. My stepsons mom was basically a one night stand gone way wrong and she's a pathological liar. I really dislike her but I treat her son as my own because he is a different person from his mom and he's my DHs son.

It's really laughable to say in my world I don't let others have opinions just because mine clashes with yours.

He may be a nice husband to you, but to me, having a guy not want to spend time or effort with his daughter is a big deal breaker. Shows lack of character and maturity.

 

[tink30]

feel so sorry for this little girl :*(

 

[Maybe1daysoon]

The situation matters none. the bottom line is he has a child (that no one forced him to produce) that he doesnt spend time with. as far as who his ex slept with is irrelavant unless paternity was questioned and in that case a simple dna test will clear that right up. how do you know if she has slept with "every man she knows" where you there? probably not. your dh probably told you these things to pin you against her. you could probably learn a thing or two from her about your dh and he doesnt want you to think she is credible. what if in 7.5 years you are in a simillar position to his ex? would you want your child to be treated the way your step child is by your dh? i doubt it. you support your dh in not seeing his child. If my OH had a first child I would be looking very closly at their relationship and INCOURAGING him to be the best father possible. to all his children. again i really hope that he sticks around this time for your childs sake.

 

[jaeintn]

Whoa Painted_Pony, Your statements about your stepdaughter are a little alarming... Being as you said she was seven years old.. Shes only a baby! Hopefully you and your husband both will decide to never see the child again. That would definately best in her best interest.. Geez!

 

[Maybe1daysoon]

He may be a nice husband to you, but to me, having a guy not want to spend time or effort with his daughter is a big deal breaker. Shows lack of character and maturity.

what she said. lol

 

[painted_pony]

I really don't understand how everybody is crying about me being such a horrible person when neither one of us has ever done anything bad to this girl. He cares about her because yes she is his daughter but he doesn't really involve himself in her life. He would drop anything, and go straight to her if something ever happened to her. Yet, all of you think we are so terrible because we don't have a relationship with her. It's like people are acting as if we are abusive. She had her own room at our ranch, filled with toys, movies, games, pets to play with, and anything she could ever ask for while being a child. But, because we don't have a true "connection" to her, we are terrible. I think what she did to me today is terrible, when I've never once disciplined her for anything, never yelled or anything of that sort. There's no reason for her to do that. Especially when she kept claiming earlier that she was excited to have a sibling, and that she was having a party for that reason.

I'm done fighting with you people to prove my point that she isn't in a bad situation when she visits, anybody who ever comes over already knows that. I know what a great husband I have, what his ex was for a fact and how are lives work. This is exactly why I hate these forums, you say one little thing that you think and it sends everybody in to some type of tizzy because they can't accept what an individual thinks.

 

[Jaylynne]

Did you not read the language you used when you first posted? It was dripping with resentment and hatred. That's why we think the situation is horrible.

 

[ssuchianlo]

Like I said, I've never once been mean to this child. I've never even disciplined her even when she needed it the most. Yeah, I'm totally she that I asked for a kid to smash me in the belly. That's exactly what happened. That's so wrong. Nobody treats her like crap when she's here, its just that we don't have anything to hardly do with her and that is mainly my husbands choice, strongly backed up by me. If he changed his mind about her, I'd support him only because we are married. Apparently people aren't allowed to have opinions in your world.

I'm sorry, you are allowed to feel what you feel....but eveyone else is right, she's an innocent child. And trust me, she knows how you feel. I was a stepchild, and my stepdad was good to us, but we could tell some of his relatives didn't care for us...and they were always nice to us. Kids are very perceptive. And I could understand your OH not wanting contact if he doesn't think she's his...he should get a paternity test to know for sure. But if she is his for sure, what kind of a man doesn't take responsibility for his children...doesn't matter if he didn't want her in his life...tough...she's here...and she's only 7...there's plenty of time to salvage a relationship so that this poor girl doesn't grow up messed up because she doesn't know what love is! I know this must be a difficult position for you to be in the middle of, but what if this was your child, would you want your child to be treated this way? Have some compassion.