resentment of step-child

[tink30]

it was absolutely horrible what you wrote..u sounded like the wicked step mother out of cinderella.. a child hugging you and you fakely hug her back.. i would be so upset if my partner left and my son had a step mum like this... 7 years old shes a baby..
May be totally out of order what i wrote but i just found that really awful...all the toys in the world mean nothing if these are your thoughts...

 

[shortybear]

kids are so much more aware and smarter than we realize...

with my last boyfriend he had 2 little boys (3 and 5 years old) when we met. he saw them every weekend so i saw them every weekend. i honestly wasnt very good with children to start with and was a little uncomfortable around them as i just didnt know what to do with them.

after a few weeks with them his ex called...she said that the 3 year old was unsure about coming over because he thought that i didnt like him! i felt like such a wench!

i was never "mean" to them and tried to be nice, just a little stand-offish because like i said...i had never been around young children before and just didnt know how to act. i never thought they would pick up on it so quickly!

after that i truly went out of my way to get to know them better and eventually we were thick as thieves (i was heartbroken when i broke up with their dad because i missed them so much!)

if that little boy sensed that small bit of anxiety from me i guaruntee that little girl knows that you dont want her there and will act accordingly (in her eyes as she is only 7 years old)

 

[Mrs.Ping]

Rose red I am sorry you feel this way I am sure it is just something all step mom feel this way one time or another but remember it is special to him because it is the first child made from your and dh's blood! so it is a first!

I am sorry the ladies have gone on a rant and have fought with each other over a comment but this forum is for sharing our feeling and i will not judge anyone for what they say. If you cant tell the ladies on here how you really feel then who can you tell!

If your situation still bothers you I would talk to dh and express what you are feeling maybe he will make you feel better and your feeling will go away! good luck!

 

[Maybe1daysoon]

what if DH doesnt have a "connection" with your child? would you support him because he is your husband. again i doubt it. as far as her pressing your belly kids do things unintentionally. after asking my best friends daughter to not jump on me she gets excited and hurts my boobs ALL THE TIME. I tell her that aunty's boobs hurt because the baby is inside she remenbers for a while and then something great happends she gets excited and bam mckenzie is jumping on me again... it happends. idk if you are religious but maybe a prayer would bring some clarity and show you that your husband and yourself may want to try changing your feeling about the little girl.

 

[LilianA]

Oh my God! Painted pony! I just want to tell you that I was a step daughter and let me tell you something, It really doesn't matter if you are hitting her or not, if your cooking for her or not, if you play with her or not, just the fact that you have all these feeling towards her I bet you she can feel it ( I sure did ) with out ever being mean to me I knew exactly when she couldn't stand me being around and when she wished my little brother was the only one around and all those feelings and trust me they scar so bad I used to wish sometimes that maybe she would yell at me or hit me but not have those feelings inside..and it has messed me up till this day.
Do me a favor, when your child arrives please just imagine him/her in your step daughters place! I am positive you will feel awful for the way you feel and talk about her. 7 years old is nothing! she's a baby still! I am sure she didn't even think before she bumped you with her elbow..she probably doesn't even know that doing that would ever hurt you or the baby.
My heart breaks when I read threads like this one! you guys who have never suffered from being kinda unwanted will never understand how much it scars the kid and lasts forever.

 

[painted_pony]

kids are so much more aware and smarter than we realize...

with my last boyfriend he had 2 little boys (3 and 5 years old) when we met. he saw them every weekend so i saw them every weekend. i honestly wasnt very good with children to start with and was a little uncomfortable around them as i just didnt know what to do with them.

after a few weeks with them his ex called...she said that the 3 year old was unsure about coming over because he thought that i didnt like him! i felt like such a wench!

i was never "mean" to them and tried to be nice, just a little stand-offish because like i said...i had never been around young children before and just didnt know how to act. i never thought they would pick up on it so quickly!

after that i truly went out of my way to get to know them better and eventually we were thick as thieves (i was heartbroken when i broke up with their dad because i missed them so much!)

if that little boy sensed that small bit of anxiety from me i guaruntee that little girl knows that you dont want her there and will act accordingly (in her eyes as she is only 7 years old)

This Is probably the last post I will reply to because in some ways I can relate to this. I've never been around kids my entire life till this little girl. It feels awkward to me, like a fish out of water. I was around one little boy who was about four in a previous relationship. I adored the little guy, I took him everywhere with me and he thought of me as his family. He was so young though, that he never judged me like my husbands child does. I can't relate to her at all, she didn't know me early enough and I don't know her either. It's like we were both kinda forced into this relarionship with both of us having problems accepting eachother. Yeah, not an entire excuse but I can truly relate to that.

Also I must apologize to rose_red for this thread turning into this. I never meant for this to turn into a giant argument, I was simply expressing my feelings.

 

[Jaylynne]

Painted pony, sorry I got a little heated, but I just kept thinking what if someone did this to my child... I'd be furious.
It's ok to not feel connected. But try someway to make a connection. She's old enough to understand if you talked to her about it.

My mom was a step daughter and her stepmom really treated her differently then she did with her kids. Her step moms parents would bring over Christmas gifts for everyone but her. She still has issues of feeling unwanted. My mom makes every effort with my stepson to include him and calls him her grandson. Kids really do notice emotions and perceptions.

 

[shortybear]

This Is probably the last post I will reply to because in some ways I can relate to this. I've never been around kids my entire life till this little girl. It feels awkward to me, like a fish out of water. I was around one little boy who was about four in a previous relationship. I adored the little guy, I took him everywhere with me and he thought of me as his family. He was so young though, that he never judged me like my husbands child does. I can't relate to her at all, she didn't know me early enough and I don't know her either. It's like we were both kinda forced into this relarionship with both of us having problems accepting eachother. Yeah, not an entire excuse but I can truly relate to that.

it was sooo hard at first...i felt like i was faking it (in a way i was, just acting like i had seen other people act around small children)

but like i said after awhile (and it was a good while-probably 6 months) we all warmed up to each other and i was in love!

those two little boys changed my life, i never knew how to act around any children before but i got to "practice" on them which in the end i know will make me a better parent

it will be hard to relate to her as she is older than them (it was harder with the older of the two) but with time and A LOT of patience you would eventually fall in love with her too...it just seems impossible right now because of your awkward situation. dont give up! she will eventually be an adult and the way she is treated now will shape the way she feels when she is grown up

 

[ssuchianlo]

Ok so my OH has a 9 year old son from a previous relationship. I get on with him fine but since being pregnant I feel like I resent him being here (he stays at w/e). I wish my baby was my partner's 1st child, it feels like this isn't as special for him as it is for me.
Can anyone else relate to this? I feel like a cow but I can't help how I'm feeling.

I'm sorry that I went over your original post, it's just Painted Pony really got me going. I think your feelings are natural. My sister has an adopted daughter from her OH's first marriage. She resented the in laws more than anything because she felt they didn't take her and their son's kids as seriously. It was all in her head really...they absolutely spoil the crap out of all those kids! Her adopted daughter was the only grandchild for about 6 years...so of course they spoiled her! But I get the feeling our fam and their fam thought about that alot. My family instantly loved Brittany, she was only 1 when she came into our lives! And my sisters kids were just as special! It may be that OH just isn't that expressive outwardly...I'm sure he's just as excited. But there is an excitement you will only feel, as you're a first time mom... I kinda wonder the same things, that my fam isn't as excited cuz I'm having the 4th grandchild, 2nd on OH's side....but it's in my head.

 

[painted_pony]

Did you not read the language you used when you first posted? It was dripping with resentment and hatred. That's why we think the situation is horrible.

As far as the way I choose to word things, anything at this point would be viewed as hateful. Im not myself these days. I cursed out a diesel station attendant the other day, a nurse and a farmer because they upset me so badly. Six months ago, I didn't have these issues. Which its immature to blame hormones, but i was never this hateful before.

 

[Akinesia]

I really don't understand how everybody is crying about me being such a horrible person when neither one of us has ever done anything bad to this girl. He cares about her because yes she is his daughter but he doesn't really involve himself in her life. He would drop anything, and go straight to her if something ever happened to her. Yet, all of you think we are so terrible because we don't have a relationship with her. It's like people are acting as if we are abusive. She had her own room at our ranch, filled with toys, movies, games, pets to play with, and anything she could ever ask for while being a child. But, because we don't have a true "connection" to her, we are terrible. I think what she did to me today is terrible, when I've never once disciplined her for anything, never yelled or anything of that sort. There's no reason for her to do that. Especially when she kept claiming earlier that she was excited to have a sibling, and that she was having a party for that reason.

I'm done fighting with you people to prove my point that she isn't in a bad situation when she visits, anybody who ever comes over already knows that. I know what a great husband I have, what his ex was for a fact and how are lives work. This is exactly why I hate these forums, you say one little thing that you think and it sends everybody in to some type of tizzy because they can't accept what an individual thinks.

Actually neglect is a form of mental abuse, just so you know.

 

[Jaylynne]

Painted pony I could have worded my responses better. I just get worked up easily and forget my filter and objective reasoning. I really do want your situation to get better.

 

[Jaylynne]

Guys, I think we did enough jumping down her throat and I think she feels bad enough. Let's help with constructive criticism now


Sorry OP, we went on a huge tangent.

 

[Maybe1daysoon]

your siggy says that your dh is in the army.... i hope people from other countries dont think this is how army men (usually) conduct themselve i come from a military family and my uncles would be so embaressed.

 

[tink30]

Did you not read the language you used when you first posted? It was dripping with resentment and hatred. That's why we think the situation is horrible.

As far as the way I choose to word things, anything at this point would be viewed as hateful. Im not myself these days. I cursed out a diesel station attendant the other day, a nurse and a farmer because they upset me so badly. Six months ago, I didn't have these issues. Which its immature to blame hormones, but i was never this hateful before.

so hope you can embrace her, you have lots of time.. maybe once your little one is born, try and get some special bonding time with her.. do days out and things.. shes so so young, and may be the most wonderfull sister to your little one in the future. I understand the hormone thing, it makes us upset very easily.. just try to remember at 7 she doesnt have the adult head, and is probably seeking yr attention with the elbow thing .. its a hard time for her 2 and she probably feels it.. i know ive been told by lots of people to involve my son with everything as they can feel bad..

 

[ssuchianlo]

Painted Pony, your last post definitely puts things into perspective. Emotions can definitely come out the wrong way in writing. My stepdad probably felt the same way when he got us in his life...and I was 7! My sister was 9. We decided to color his walls with crayon, lipstick, and markers when we all moved in! LOL! I'm sure he hated us at first, especially after that. But we all survived, and he ended up being there more than my mom after they divorced when I was 13. He's still a part of my life and I have 2 half sisters by him and my mom. Kids are perceptive, and they'll act out. I don't remember decorating his walls, but I do remember feeling mad that my mom was getting married and that we had to live with this man. And he definitely sucked at being around kids...but we broke him in!

I bet this little girl is feeling awkward and resentment too. First she has to get used to the idea of you, now she probably feels like she's being replaced, and that her dad will never accept her or love her as much....on top of an already strained relationship. Remember that next time you see her, put your emotions aside, and just try.

 

[painted_pony]

Painted pony I could have worded my responses better. I just get worked up easily and forget my filter and objective reasoning. I really do want your situation to get better.

Wow, I have no filter at all anymore. I relate to that as well. My sibling of two years older than me decided to say all sorts of hateful things about my pregnancy. I literally lost it and got into a physical altercation with them. I'm not that type of person normally. My husband has also received some of this non filtered running of my mouth lately, which he didn't deserve but i just couldn't stop.

 

[painted_pony]

your siggy says that your dh is in the army.... I hope people from other countries dont think this is how army men (usually) conduct themselve i come from a military family and my uncles would be so embaressed.

do not insult my husband. He is defending your freedom in a war zone. If you really want to piss me off, continue talking crap about my husband. He risks his life everyday so you can enjoy yours.

 

[MissIntrigue]

Like I said, I've never once been mean to this child. I've never even disciplined her even when she needed it the most. Yeah, I'm totally she that I asked for a kid to smash me in the belly. That's exactly what happened. That's so wrong. Nobody treats her like crap when she's here, its just that we don't have anything to hardly do with her and that is mainly my husbands choice, strongly backed up by me. If he changed his mind about her, I'd support him only because we are married. Apparently people aren't allowed to have opinions in your world.

No one may come out and treat her horribly, but she probably feels unwanted (kids are not stupid). Also, because her father wants nothing to do with her and she has an unstable mother, seeing her father excited about a baby with a different woman is going to mentally screw her up. Ignoring or not being a part of your childs life (in this case, your husband doing what he is doing) IS treating her like crap.

 

[ssuchianlo]

Did you not read the language you used when you first posted? It was dripping with resentment and hatred. That's why we think the situation is horrible.

As far as the way I choose to word things, anything at this point would be viewed as hateful. Im not myself these days. I cursed out a diesel station attendant the other day, a nurse and a farmer because they upset me so badly. Six months ago, I didn't have these issues. Which its immature to blame hormones, but i was never this hateful before.

Well, the hormones are a pretty good excuse. I cuss like a sailor now! My OH said one day..."Every other sentence out of your mouth is "that's so annoying", or "I can't stand that", or "I hate that"..and so on. On the forum I try to count to 10 and really think about what I'm posting. Sometimes i'll reread the post before submitting it. I've been arguing with this woman on FB about a blatantly racist comment she made, I summoned all my filtering capability to reply without screaming and cussing. Lol!

And this is definitely a hard time for you...I get to just have me, my baby, and my OH...no step kids, no drama with exes or anything. I know it's hard, just remember that she's a child, be protective over her...obviously she's being pulled and torn between 2 parents who don't like each other. Trust me, I know, that's very hard on a kid. You'll get through it. And there are a lot of ladies on here who know what you're going through and what she's going through. Maybe you should start a thread asking for advice? Just remember to be less emotionally charged when posting.