Said Goodbye too soon....

[MizzPodd]

Hi ladies,

I am actually shocked I can even write about this, I have been struggling ever since. On July 4th I went to use the bathroom and then felt something coming out, it was like a sac so I immediately just held it in and screamed and went to lay down. My husband didn't know what was going on and called 911. Got to the hospital and the ER doctor said I was miscariaging and sent to delivery.... HOWEVER, when I got there, they did an ultrasound and the baby was fine, and healthy with a strong heartbeat... 18 weeks + 5 days along (which was actually almost a week ahead)... They told me as long as i didn;t have an infection that I could be sent to a high risk facility and they would sew up my cervix... Unfortunately, I begin getting a high fever, and they discovered I had an infection... They assumed it was baby, which is why I was in premature labor. I still can't go into more details because it is just too hard to deal with. I still can't believe it. The fluid they got showed it WAS NOT my beautiful angel, they do not know where it was coming from. But my water broke and there was nothing else they could. Within less than 24 hours, I went from having a great normal pregnancy, to going into labor and delivering a baby boy. It happened so fast, and we were sent home the next day. To have your baby one minute, and then to suddenly lose him with no explanation is heartbreaking.

My strong prince lived on his own for 2 hours after he was born. We did not want to know the sex, so my husband was the one to tell me the sex. My daughter was able to see her little brother and say hi (she is almost two). We were together as a family, and I will cherish this moment for the rest of my life.

I am still grieving, it has not even been a month yet, and I just can't believe it. I see him everyday and every night. He looked beautiful, just like his daddy. I know he sleeping peacefully, and never suffered. He is our guardian angel and protecting his family now.

I am here because I just need someone to talk to. I don't know anyone who has gone through this, and it is hard for them to understand...
A parent is not supposed to outlive their child.... Especially like this...

I just started getting out o the house, and it hurts to see all of these pregnant woman. I was at the dentist and a pregnant chose to sit right next to me when there were empty seats everywhere... and the dentist assistant working on my tooth was pregnant... I mean it feels like I keep getting slapped over and over. My post appt is August 10th and we want to start trying again when the doctor clears us.

There may be some type of blood disorder I have that may make me prone to infections more when pregnant, and they said if it the case, I will take baby asprin during my pregnancy from now on. I pray that is the case, and this never happens again... My cervix was normal, and was not incompetent or anything....

Ladies please stay strong, and know our angels are with us always, in our hearts. for everyone. We are strong beautiful women to go through this, and still keep pushing on...

In loving memory of my baby boy
Dejuan Jr.
7 ounces and 8 1/2 inches

 

[Zaki]

i am so sorry for youyr loss
my heart goues out to you xx
life is too cruel..

 

[dextersmum]

I am sorry for your loss and what you have had to go through. It does feel like cruel fate especially when you see other pregnant women every where. It seems to be what we attract unfortunately because we don't want to see it we see it more.

Grief takes a long time especially as you said no parent should outlive their child especially not like this. Use this forum to find other ladies who understand completely what you are going through as it is a great source of support if you do not have other people in your life who have gone through anything like this.

take care xx

 

[dizzy65]

 

[Lottelotte]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so deeply sorry for your loss of Dejuan Jr.

You are SO right they are our angels and the are always watching over us, always I lost my Ava at 20 weeks, i gave birth in my bathroom and then was rushed to the hospital . We buried her on 3-11-2011 and i still struggle to understand why this has happened. Now my Sister-In-Law is 25 weeks pregnant and it hurts very much just to see her, but i will get through this and be okay.. Time heals a bit but it never goes away. Again i am just so so sorry..
XOXOXOOOX Andrea

 

[MizzPodd]

Thank you Andypanda... It is unbearable to deal with. I have okay days then terrible days, and I wish the pain would stop. I know for me it will take a very long time for me to heal because I live for my family. This is the most important thing in my life, and to have him taken away from me, I just don't understand. He was perfect

I don't know what happened, and based on the doctors, I will never know. It may have been the uti infection, but they are not even sure about that.

I am trying again when we are cleared because I just know in my heart it was meant to be; I was meant to be a mother and have children. I want my DD to have siblings she can grow up with and play with. We have our guardian angel looking down at us and protecting us from this cruel world so I know we will be fine. It just sucks that it hurts so much and there is nothing I can do to take the hurt away except go through it and get through it.

 

[MizzPodd]

Thank you so much ladies. We all are or have hurt this much, and I appreciate the support. Please continue to uplift one another because this is how we get better, this is how we can start to heal. I cannot ignore what happened because then I will never have dealt with it and accepted what happened. I am trying to accept it still but I just can't come to terms with this. I want my baby boy back so much it kills me

 

[kiki04]

You are destined to be a mother wether your children are here or in heaven... I am so glad you found this group

 

[keepholdingon]

massive stay strong!

 

[MamaBare]

I am so sorry. I lost my baby at 17 weeks and can so relate to what you've written.
The envy is all consuming at the moment. I saw a woman, obviously pregnant, at the hospital when I was going for a clinic appointment. She was smoking and it took all my restraint not to smack her across the face.

 

[MizzPodd]

Hey ladies,

I just made a new post "What else could go wrong". Please somebody read it!!! I don't know how to handle this

 

[Beaglemama]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my little girl, our first child, last week Tuesday at 5:30am. Right now is midnight early Tuesday morning, one week later and I cannot sleep. How can I? Only a week ago I was still with my baby girl.

I completely understand your wanting to get pregnant again. That's all I can think about. Our appt is next Monday and I am planning on asking the dr when we can TTC. Our situation was a little different, they feel our little girl Madison had Turner syndrome, but bc we didn't have an amnio we'll never know for sure. We too plan on having blood work just to rule out any obvious chromosome abnormailities. But if all that is clear, even as scray as it will be, we will TTC again. I believe, with all my heart, we will all have our happy ending. And that's what we have to hold on to.

Stay positive, and I wish you the very best!

 

[MizzPodd]

Thank you so much for your words... It is just so hard now because now I am grieving a completely different person after just learning our baby was a girl... How can they make that mistake and wait over a month to tell us it was a girl and not boy...

 

[MizzPodd]

I posted my story on here about a week ago... I just got back from my post partum check up and my doctor just told us that the pathologist confirmed our baby was actually a GIRL... Not a boy... It feels like I am grieving all over again.... This whole time we thought it was a boy, and now I just don't know what to do. We already have everything completed with the boy information, social security number.... everything... I just had necklace made and engraved with our boy information on it... I am so overwhelmed now. Our ern has Dejuan Jr. on it. We have been getting so much much better dealing with this, and now we find out our boy was a girl... I am at my wits end... Now we have to change everything as far as birth cert. death cert. funeral information, tell family. Ladies I am so heartbroken and it feels like two swords have gone right through my heart. I have grieved for the loss of a boy, and now I have lost a girl... This is so hard to handle. It's bad enough they said the autopsy was fine, meaning our baby was perfectly fine. But to say oh it was really a girl. Oh my goodness I just lost a baby girl :nop e: I just can't believe it...

 

[Beaglemama]

Oh MizzPodd I am so, SO sorry. I don't even know what to say... I guess whether we lose our baby boy, or baby girl, in the end it is simply the loss of our child that is so painful. It's so unfair that you were grieving for your little one, starting to have closure, only to have the rug pulled out from underneath you. I'm truly sorry.

We'll never know with certainty why our Madison passed away either. That does hurt alot. Being my first pregnancy, I worry about TTC again. Was this truly Turner syndrome or something else? Something my husband and I passed on to her? We will never know. And I was so shocked, and numb that I didn't even bring her home with me. I didn't opt for a private funeral or cremation... why did I think that having the hospital cremate her would be easier for me?? Now I am left with nothing. I didn't even think to ask for the blanket she was wrapped in. That breaks my heart. She's just gone. But even if I did have those things, it's still not HER. There's nothing we can do to get our little ones back right now. So, we grieve, we try to live (as empty as it feels to do so) because we have to. Someday things won't hurt this much. We'll actually be happy. We most likely will have our rainbow babies... try to think about that if you can. I know it brings me a lot of comfort.

You are in my thoughts. Grieve, be angry, do whatever you need to. But don't do it alone. We are all here for you. And I KNOW we will all have much happier, brighter times to look forward to! You love and were connected to your baby in a way no one else could understand or come close to feeling - that's so special. Try to think about any happy time you had... because there's certainly more happy times to come.

Please take good care of yourself and keep in touch.