Scared of TTC - Need encouragement

[Byth]

So me (25F) and my husband (27M) are considering trying to conceive our first child. We both want a family and I have wanted to have children basically my whole life. I’ve been told throughout the years by my mother how children ruin your lives and how she does not want to be a grandmother. I have put off having children because I don’t want to disappoint her. I have a battle between knowing in my heart I want children while being terrified I will hate motherhood as much as my mother does. So now I am very anxious/excited to ttc finally. I just can’t stop having this battle in my head between knowing it’ll be a rewarding and incredible experience but also knowing it’ll be very difficult and questioning if I can handle it and if I will have support. It’s very scary. I just want to be excited but can’t help but question if I am potentially “ruining my life”. Anyone here with children who can give me a more realistic expectation of motherhood? I appreciate it a lot.

For background info, my mother had 3 kids by 21 and was in an abusive relationship. She had no family and no support. This makes me wonder if she is projecting her experience onto me or if her warnings are valid.

 

[happycupcake]

I think everyone worries about having children, especially the first time, and I think worrying about whether you will actually enjoy it or hate it is probably one of the most common worries people have. When you couple that with a person so close to you, going on about how it will ruin your life, you can see why you would be worrying as much as you are.

Firstly, your mother’s feelings on the subject are not your responsibility, they’re hers. It isn’t a case of letting her down if you choose to have children. You cannot be held responsible for her happiness and your life choices don’t dictate that. I think it’s actually incredibly selfish of her to put that on you - and insulting too. What right has she to try to manipulate you like that?! Why wouldn’t she love her own grandchildren, should she be lucky enough to have them in her life after saying such an insensitive remark. She honestly sounds narcissistic.

Whether having children will impact your life negatively isn’t something anyone can tell you. I think realistically, children almost certainly will make you tear your hair out and wonder why on earth you started having sex, at some point, because we are human and we all experience moments of pure frustration, especially when your kid has kept you up all night. Some amount of stress is unavoidable, but that certainly doesn’t mean having children will ruin your life. I think there will be some who feel that way, but most probably don’t.

I always saw myself being a mother, I had my first child at 18 years old. I don’t regret it, but I do see a huge difference between parenting at that age and in my later thirties. In hindsight I have all my babies, but at an older age. Not because I wanted to stay out partying with my friends, but because I appreciate my children in such a different way and I don’t think I did appreciate motherhood enough as a teenager. I also struggled more, and I think I probably had PND.

We have seven children between us. I have had five of those children. They’re aged between 20-2 and they are the most amazing human beings in the world. I am SO lucky. So incredibly lucky. It can be tough. I have mental health problems and ASD, so I have my own challenges. Four of our children also have ASD. Sometimes things are difficult, there’s been times I have wanted to walk away, although I wouldn’t do that. Those struggles and tough times aren’t their fault, though, and I don’t regret having them. The things I would change in my life, the things I would want to improve, wouldn’t improve any easier had I not had my babies. They haven’t ruined my life, they have enriched my life, beyond words.

That’s my experience so far. I think the fact you’re questioning such a huge decision I think shows how much it means to you and how much you care. You don’t want to do the wrong thing, you haven’t yet had a child and you’re already concerned with their life (you’re asking presumably not just because of the impact on your life, but how would that child feel if they knew you felt that way. You know how that feels, which is sad because that’s not what parents are supposed to say to their children). I think you already know the answers, but perhaps a virtual push in that direction, some encouragement to see beyond the worries your mother has caused you, is what you’re looking for

 

[Byth]

I think everyone worries about having children, especially the first time, and I think worrying about whether you will actually enjoy it or hate it is probably one of the most common worries people have. When you couple that with a person so close to you, going on about how it will ruin your life, you can see why you would be worrying as much as you are.

Firstly, your mother’s feelings on the subject are not your responsibility, they’re hers. It isn’t a case of letting her down if you choose to have children. You cannot be held responsible for her happiness and your life choices don’t dictate that. I think it’s actually incredibly selfish of her to put that on you - and insulting too. What right has she to try to manipulate you like that?! Why wouldn’t she love her own grandchildren, should she be lucky enough to have them in her life after saying such an insensitive remark. She honestly sounds narcissistic.

Whether having children will impact your life negatively isn’t something anyone can tell you. I think realistically, children almost certainly will make you tear your hair out and wonder why on earth you started having sex, at some point, because we are human and we all experience moments of pure frustration, especially when your kid has kept you up all night. Some amount of stress is unavoidable, but that certainly doesn’t mean having children will ruin your life. I think there will be some who feel that way, but most probably don’t.

I always saw myself being a mother, I had my first child at 18 years old. I don’t regret it, but I do see a huge difference between parenting at that age and in my later thirties. In hindsight I have all my babies, but at an older age. Not because I wanted to stay out partying with my friends, but because I appreciate my children in such a different way and I don’t think I did appreciate motherhood enough as a teenager. I also struggled more, and I think I probably had PND.

We have seven children between us. I have had five of those children. They’re aged between 20-2 and they are the most amazing human beings in the world. I am SO lucky. So incredibly lucky. It can be tough. I have mental health problems and ASD, so I have my own challenges. Four of our children also have ASD. Sometimes things are difficult, there’s been times I have wanted to walk away, although I wouldn’t do that. Those struggles and tough times aren’t their fault, though, and I don’t regret having them. The things I would change in my life, the things I would want to improve, wouldn’t improve any easier had I not had my babies. They haven’t ruined my life, they have enriched my life, beyond words.

That’s my experience so far. I think the fact you’re questioning such a huge decision I think shows how much it means to you and how much you care. You don’t want to do the wrong thing, you haven’t yet had a child and you’re already concerned with their life (you’re asking presumably not just because of the impact on your life, but how would that child feel if they knew you felt that way. You know how that feels, which is sad because that’s not what parents are supposed to say to their children). I think you already know the answers, but perhaps a virtual push in that direction, some encouragement to see beyond the worries your mother has caused you, is what you’re looking for

Thank you so much for that response. I appreciate your input more than you know. Wow, 7 children! That’s amazing. They are lucky to have a mother that thinks so highly of them. I know I am very different from my mother. She is cold and distant, I am caring and supportive. So I guess I should take that into account as well. She made me and my siblings believe we turned her into this cold and mean person. As if we did it maliciously. It’s very hard to talk about these feelings because of the environment I was raised in. My mother did hate being a mother and showed it every day. I do worry that I will follow in her footsteps without even knowing it. I don’t want my children to ever feel unwanted or unloved like I did. There are other concerns I have like what if my mother ridicules my children the way she did me? Is it better to keep my children away from their grandmother? Anyway, I’m rambling off now. Thanks again for the change in perspective. All the best to you

 

[angelbump]

The very fact that you are already putting future children into your thought process tells me that you want children. And that you're considering their well-being and future shows you'd be a great one.

Whatever your mother says shouldn't dictate the life you lead. You are two different people and you don't have to be the same mum she is/was. If she doesn't want grandchildren then tell her she doesn't need to be involved at all and set firm boundaries from the offset.

Best of luck and in my humble opinion if you want children - go for it! My two are the absolute joys of my life. Don't get me wrong it is so so tough some days but then being here makes it all worth it. They are the best little people I've ever known and I am so proud of them.

Take care x

 

[Byth]

The very fact that you are already putting future children into your thought process tells me that you want children. And that you're considering their well-being and future shows you'd be a great one.

Whatever your mother says shouldn't dictate the life you lead. You are two different people and you don't have to be the same mum she is/was. If she doesn't want grandchildren then tell her she doesn't need to be involved at all and set firm boundaries from the offset.

Best of luck and in my humble opinion if you want children - go for it! My two are the absolute joys of my life. Don't get me wrong it is so so tough some days but then being here makes it all worth it. They are the best little people I've ever known and I am so proud of them.

Take care x

Thank you very very much. I feel in my heart I will be a good mother. I need to have trust and faith in myself. Congrats on your beautiful babes.
Best to you x

 

[happycupcake]

I think you will be a good mother. I understand why you’re worrying but I think it’s a needless worry