Scared this is affecting baby... (sorry, long)

[funkadelic]

I have been more stressed than ever before in my life. I'm 19, and living with my boyfriend two hours from my parents. My dad for as long as I can remember has been an alcoholic, mom has constantly tried to leave him while I was growing up but always can back. January of this year that all changed. She left and did not come back. My dad has taken this horribly. My dad and I had a terrible relationship, he wad constantly drunk and when he was he was very verbally abusive to me, and more often than not physically abusive since I was about 10. He kicked me out of the house at 14 and I never went back home. until January of this year my dad had never called me once, hardly said I love you. I just didn't exsist to him. My parents thought it would be better not to tell me about their split as to not stress me out because I was pregnant and already dealing with money and housing stress. But one night my dad randomly calls, hammered, talking and crying about suicide. I had no idea what was going on. Finally I found out what happened and despite the way my dad treated me I listened and comforted despite the feelings of extreme anger, worry, and stress it put on me. I can't begin to explain how severely depressed he wad, and his drinking became out of control. my little sister (huge daddy's girl, he never harmed her or anything EVER until this happened) became so distressed and stressed by the things he was constantly (we would get dozens of calls and texts a day from him about all of this) she had to be hospitalized because she began bleeding from very literally every orfice. We tried to explain to him he can't talk to us about this, we are children not therapists and we cannot handle what we are constantly hearing. I can't begin to explain everything that had happened. The only way anyone could understand wad to see what was happening. No words can express the pain and confusion he was going through, and despite our relationship I was there for him. He's my dad and I want him- NEED him to get better. Finally I made his sister come see him, and finally, FINALLY someone say that this was so much more than he let on to his side of family. They all pitched in and he is now on his was to a $17000 treatment center (despite everyone's money problems). I am very relieved he is finally going to get help, but after all these months its gotten so hard to bounce back. I can hardly sleep or eat, and I constantly just feel so down. I don't know how to get back up, and I'm now very worried about my baby as my doctor is sending me for an ultrasound BPP, and was told that baby feels small (through my abdomin and fundal height) and my fundal height is measuring smal. I'm extremely worried I did this to him, and it makes it so much harder to get back up again.. I'm trying to eat and sleep more but I just .. ugh, I don't know what to do or think anymore. I haven't even been able to be excited for the upcoming birth or anything as I have been so caught up in my family issues, I feel like a horrible mother already. :'(
I know there's not much anyone can say, but since I moved to a new town recently and only know my boyfriend, I just dont really have anyone to talk to, and just needed to get this out.. sorry it is so long

 

[july2013]

I'm sorry you've been through all of this, it sounds rough! And you're not a horrible mother, don't ever ever think that.

If you ever need to talk, i'm here, and there are always other BnB ladies willing to talk.

 

[05mummy07]

What a tough situation to find yourself in. But blaming yourself wont achieve anything, some babies are smaller and it's no ones fault. Sending you big hugs, sounds as though you need them right now! I hope it all works out for both you and your family xx