Hi.
First of all... hug!
It's hard. I certainly can't tell you what you should do. But I can tell you a bit about my situation. And I can tell you that no matter what, you are a brave person for thinking of trying again. And deciding not to would not make you any less brave.
I went through a missed miscarriage three months ago and opted to go through it at home. It's very traumatic. No question. Finding out it had passed and I hadn't known. Carrying it around for weeks after that knowing it was gone and just waiting. The actual moment when it finally passed.... all completely undescribable. You understand.
We had been TTC (our first) for about two and a half years. So losing it after such a struggle to get there was devastating for us. it felt like the years of struggle had all been for nothing.
But on the other hand, at least I then knew that I was capable of conceiving a child! (something I was seriously starting to doubt)
Some doctors will tell you that you have to wait a few months, some won't. Medically (other than dating the pregnancy) I don't think there is any reason to wait. But we decided to wait until the third full cycle.
It was to help us "heal".
It's the third cycle. I'm not "healed". I don't think I'll ever heal. But somewhere along the line, I came back to myself a bit. Part of it being because I stopped trying to "get over it". It's just a part of me now. It always will be.
But it's not ALL of me.
We are trying again this cycle and while I'm not sure i can call myself "emotionally ready", because I'm not sure i ever would be, I am comfortable with, and dedicated to, the decision.
It's hard to get back to all the testing, and the bloodwork and the ultrasounds, when I thought that was behind me (at least until we decided to have another one). But this is part of our journey.
And as horrible as it has been, I believe that someday, it will be a part of the story of how we became parents. And that will be beautiful.
Perhaps this will be part of your story of how you had your second child.
I know that being pregnant again will be hard for me. I'll be scared. I'll get frustrated when people say stupid things like "oh stop worrying, I'm sure it'll be fine" (I mean, how the hell would THEY know?!!!). I'll be paranoid and crazy.
I've basically warned my husband to prepare for me just being a lunatic for at LEAST the first 15 weeks. No apologies.
But for me... it's a decision we've made and I'm proud of it.
however.... don't let anyone tell you that it's the ONLY decision you should be proud of. Trauma changes people. It's life altering. There is NO shame in that.
But whatever decision you make, your story isn't over yet.
