Seeking advice on an idea I have for supporting a friend who's pregnant after a loss

[pgfairy]

Hi ladies

I have a friend who told me this week she is 6 weeks pregnant after a loss. I know this is a deeply personal thing but having not gone through it myself I'm really struggling with ways I can be supportive. She's a strong cookie but I know this is hard for her.

I really want to bring her a cupcake (or small celebratory thing) once a week every week, at least till she's out of the highest risk part of the pregnancy. I thought it would be a nice way to add some positivity to each week that might feel like an eternity for her.

I just wanted to check here (because I know first hand how awesome the women on this forum are), is this actually a nice thing to do or am I being super insensitive and would only make things more painful/difficult?

Please let me know how you would feel if someone did this for you.

 

[Sweetkat]

I don't think cupcakes would have made me feel any better or worse but then I had 3 losses in a row and a chemical after them. With this pregnancy I only now told people (I am 26 weeks). So for me nothing would have made me feel better apart from regular scans and not telling anyone. Cupcakes might make her feel better or might just increase her anxiety.

I would just ask her to talk to you if she ever needs support and let her tell you what sort of support she wants (if any).

 

[karoolia]

That's very sweet of you.

It is very difficult to answer your question though because everyone is different. I found the first several months were very anxiety filled. I didn't tell a soul, except my husband that I was pregnant largely because I knew I would find it overwhelming if people started asking too many questions. For me, what helped the most was keeping it a secret. I didn't want to mark the weeks or do much other than get through on my own. Even after we announced, I found my stress level would go up when people would ask me questions or talk in a way that assumed everything would work out great. I guess it made me feel bad because I was still so worried.

That said, my friends and family who were understanding and acknowledged my feelings without adding pressure through questions or suggestions did make me feel better, but it was a fine line (and even our parents didn't know until 13 weeks. We waited until 19 to tell anyone else)

I like the idea if marking each week, but on the other hand it might be doubly hard for her if this pregnancy ends and the weekly markers stop. Of course, it is also important to a lot of women to celebrate the new pregnancy despite the worry so this may be a huge help in that way.

I am guessing that if your friend told you about the pregnancy then she is looking for some support so I think she would appreciate your gesture. Just make sure it never comes off as a chore. Maybe get a cupcake for each of you and make a visit out of it. Be aware of some extra feelings when you get to the week where she lost the last baby. And finally don't assume that all her worries will go away at 12 or 13 weeks. Mine certainly didn't and it always felt so insensitive when people questioned why I would still be concerned after that point.

I should add that you should follow her lead. Pregnancy after a loss is a hard road to walk and is very personal. What worked for me could be the worst plan ever for someone else and vice versa.

 

[pgfairy]

Thank you, both sincerely for your unique perspective. I appreciate the advice more than I can express. I do hope that if she shared it with me so soon (me specifically and as good news) that my desire to help her celebrate this pregnancy would be taken well but I'm not even sure if she will respond as she herself would expect. I think I will ensure she knows I'm quietly here for her without any expectation on her at all, and play the rest by ear. If she's still positive I might mark the week next week and see how it goes down. I hear what you're saying about following her lead. She isn't great at the talking thing which is why I wanted to offer her a gift that wasn't connected to any pressure to talk..everyone is different I guess and I hope I know my friend but knowing some of the feelings others have and would have helps me with perspective.
Also thank you for the remimder that things dont get less worrying at 12 weeks, I just think at that point she'll be needing a different kind of support, I do know that the fear wont go away just because she hit 12 weeks and I would never assume anyone should ve feeling 'better' than they are no matter the circumstances.

What I hadn't considered was the way she might feel about the gesture if she suffers another loss so I am going to think about that a lot over the next week as I try and offer her whatever support I can.

Thanks again.

 

[karoolia]

I'm glad we could be of some help. It is such a difficult thing as it is so individualized and personal. I actually think some of my friends were thrown off by me. After my loss I wanted to talk about it. Talking did not make it harder for me. I actually felt good being able to acknowledge it and share with others. Being pregnant again was a whole different story though. I was surprised by how difficult I found it. I think people thought since I had such a seemingly healthy approach to dealing with the loss, the subsequent pregnancy would also be 'easy' for me to think about and discuss. For some reason though that just wasn't the case.

I don't want to discourage support because I really do think that if she shared with you then she will welcome support. I just don't know what the best form of that support would be. You sound like a very caring and sensitive friend. I really appreciate the time and thought you are putting into this. Your friend is lucky to have you.