Should I belong here??

[Mrs.Steer]

Here's a bit of background, Me and hubby got married last June and I fell pregnant in September. Since getting married OH has been awful. He had to take 2 weeks off work because he hurt his ankle and went back to smoking weed daily. He used to usher me to bed and then spend all night smoking bongs downstairs and hiding it from me. He then used to take money from the joint account until it got so overdrawn he used the savings to cover it (this was our wedding gift money!)

I was at the end of my tether and wnet to a drug support group for families. He started talking to me like crap, going out with friends and putting my needs at the bottom of the pile. He used to waste all weekend in bed and we never spent time together. He became mor ejealous and controlling. I then fell pregnant..

He seemed to up his game on finding out at first and I was too scared to make any decisions at that time so I carried on. He then got made redundant so my wage was covering everything, bills, cars, spending money etc. He did get another job but it was a crap company that never paid his wages after working over xmas and new year. In that time he used £900 from the "joint" account to cover his spending which was never paid back.

While I was heavily pregnant he used to lie to me, invite his friend back on sunday nights when they would spend all night drinking downstairs when I had work the next day. I regularly used to heave the bin bags pregant across the ice on monday mornings while he was asleep. He stayed out all hours lying about who he was with etc. I had to work right til the end of pregnancy to keep paying for everything. I discussed our future at that point and he agreed he had been out of order and asked for another chance to prove himself, so I let him.

When LO was born he was good for the 1st few weeks, but then the novelty wore off. He got a new job, earning decent money and didnt contribute any funds to the household. He goes to the pub afterwork and buys beers and fags and opens up a can as soon as he gets home so he thinks I cant smell the beer he has already had before coming back. He screams at me for having a go at him when I cant get hold of him on his phone (a regular occurrence when I was pregnant too!) He continues to stay in bed for as long as he can on weekends leaving me to carry on with looking after LO.

I always get told off for using the wrong tone of voice or not wording things the right way, so I stopped talking, so then hestarts saying my facial expressions and body language are not good enough. The other weekend he didnt come back on friday til about 8 as LO was going to bed, he said he had been driving his friend around to get him drugs. He then said he didnt want any of the dinner I had made and went to bed. He still hadnt got up by 12.30pm the next day so I took LO out for the day. When I got back he was getting ready to go out for a night he hadnt told me about and then he strolled back in 12pm the next day without and apology.

Sorry this is getting really long!! So after that weekend I told him I wanted to call it a day and he managed to listen to all the reasons why I felt that way. He was gobsmacked and said he didnt want to end things and wants to make it work. On hindsight I dont remember him actually saying sorry. All week he didnt really make that much of an effort to make it up to me, he still hasnt paid hardly any money to joint funds, even though he earns more than me now. But keeps talking about how hes going to buy another car soon!

He has stayed in a b and b this week because he has been working away and hasnt called once to ask about LO, how her jabs went etc. I have actually really enjoyed my time home without him. Its been easier, he doesnt come home in the week til her bedtime anyway and stays in bed all week. So together with having less housework and more finances when he isnt around I cant help thinking I'd be better off a single parent??

I am scared of going it alone but cant help thinking I will be happier without him and not have to deal with his moods, the uncertainity and the deceipt.
Do you think I would be doing the right thing?

 

[lal]

Oh my goodness yes - you would be so much better off (from the sounds of it). He doesn't contribute anything, he only takes...reading this actually made me feel better about doing it alone. Your life would be SO much easier without him around to stress you out, take money, and lie to you! I'm amazed how well you've done with all of this going on, you will be a rockstar without him

 

[AbbynChloe]

Hi there,

I think his treatment of you and LO is just terrible. All I would say is to think long and hard about whether you want/could survive as a single parent, and I am sure many will say, one week alone is not the same as being alone alone.

At the end of the day it is your choice, if you and LO wold be better off without him (Financially, emotionally, physically), i'd seriously entertain the thought.

Sorry I can't be more help! xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[jen1604]

Hi sweetie :wave:

Only you can really know whether it would be easier without him and whether you love him and want to make it work.But it definitely sounds like you would he isn't in any way good for your family at the moment.

 

[Mrs.Steer]

I am just dubious about letting him try to make it work again, thus is the 3rd time i have let him do this and it can never be sustained! I also cant understand why he would have to "work" at being a supportive husband and father, surely it should come naturally??

I understand a week isnt long enough, which is why i still have doubts about making it final. But yes i am financially, edmotionally and physically better off without him,not sure if this would be the same for LO though??

 

[lal]

IMHO, she'd be better off if you were better off...he can still be part of her life, just not a part that is living in the house, drinking, doing drugs and making her mother miserable. Maybe kicking him out would bring him to his senses?

 

[Mrs.Steer]

Its over, he's gone. Left at lunchtime. Feel numb. Don't' know what to do with myself!!

 

[bloodbinds]

Oh hun, it is so difficult at first, but i promise you, it does get better!!

And by what you have said, it sounds like you are going to be much MUCH better off without him!

Just constrate on all the good things - don't have to wonder where he is in the middle of the night, no more wondering where he has got to - no more resenting someone who doesn't help out with LO etc

Your LO does not need a man around who doesn't even help out, and your LO shouldn't be living in a place where there is clearing an atmosphere. Your LO will be much better off this way. Millions of children grow up every day without their parents together, and grow to be well-rounded, good people! (just take me for example, hehe!)

So please try not to worry, you are both going to be a lot happier. If you ever want a chat, or a rant, give me a PM *cuddles* xx

 

[Mrs.Steer]

I'm still hoping I've done the right thing. I am worried that he now might go off the rails and make stupid decisions. I am wondering if maybe I should've hung on for us to go to marriage counselling.

He's away for work in a B&B next week again and we were meant to go to a wedding, evening do, for mutual friends on Saturday, don't know what to do about that either??

 

[jaala]

hi hun, sounds similar to my situation and in my case it did escalate beyond the name calling, and constant absences to soomething physical. It took everything in me to leave and i cried everyday for about 3 months. But I promise it does get better. If you have that "walking on eggshells feeling" , you have to watch what you say, your facial expressions good lord leave.
Speak freely without fear is my new motto.
Your partner is supposed to be there for you.. for you to emotionally trust in not to be kicked about and treated like you are last on the list.
Im not saying its easy, and only you know whats right for you.. and in my case I have tried to make it work.. and It does not change. He is who he is.
Lots of hugs and positive vibes coming your way.

xo
J

 

[Mincholada]

i agree! HE IS WHO HE IS!!! well said!

my sister by love (former host sis when i was an exchange student) had three children and an angel from a man and he always put everything before them. he works in construction so was gone most weeks as well and then on the weekends he would be useless, visit his friends and his family and didn't do anything with the children who were soooo excited that their daddy would be home (bless their hearts!!!). every now and then, my sis would break down and tell him that things would just not work that way anymore and he'd say he would better himself and it would be like that for a few weeks then get back to "normal".

after getting counseling for herself, my sis then one day decided to announce she would divorce from him... oh wow... he started crying at the thought of losing his family and promised to make things better for all of them and she let him do once again.... he did do good for quite some time actually. started coaching on his boys soccer- and baseball teams and just got more involved in general... only to leave them a year later and to marry another woman within not even a month of their divorce being finalized!

now he's already over $6000.- behind on child support, does not pay for his life insurance which the court said he had to get, doesn't take the kids etc...

and do you know what the worst thing is???

it was & still is REALLY, REALLY HARD for the kids! they did not understand, how the dad that was sooo involved in their lives with coaching and stuff, all of a sudden left. they did not remember the dad he was a year before that, when he didn't give a damn about them. so if my sis would've left him, when she wanted to finally leave and not let him talk/cry himself back into their lives, i believe my sis AND the kids would've been way better off. it would've not broken their hearts like it did. they would've not know the difference of never seeing their dad while their parents were married and never seeing their dad after their parent's divorce....

i think you and your LO are way better off without this guy in your lives as well! you can give one chance, maybe two, but there always comes the point where it has been just way too many chances and nothing will change, because that is THE WAY HE IS and HE can't change. that way it is better to make the cut now, than to bring up LO in all this mess and then to still "fail" at keeping the marriage alive one day, but then LO will be older and realize things more than now when she's just tiny!

i wish you all the best and strength and hope you'll not have to worry about any stupid decisions of his etc!!!