Should I let him join in? **UPDATED - PG3**

[Ash_P]

Facing another situation girls and dont know what to do. As some of u may know I told ex husband that I didnt want him there at my 20 week scan. After a few text messages and heated conversations he finally took it on board and didnt go, I got him a copy of the pics which he collected a few hours after the scan. He then text me a few days later telling me he had went and bought a few outfits, one saying "hello world" and the other saying "I love my daddy" hmm i think that was a dig at me. Pity he couldnt get a t-shirt saying "I love my child"!!!

Anyway his mum (who i am very close to, even now, and have supported me 100% thru the last 3 months) has told me that he now seems very excited about the baby and the thought of becoming a father etc etc (i dont see this, but then again i rarely see or speak to him)

His mum and step dad are buying my pram for me, whichever one i choose they are happy for me to get it. She has sugguested to me that he is quite keen in taking part now in plans for baby etc and would I consider taking him with me some morning - just the two of us - to go and look at prams.

I dunno what to do, Im still abit weak when it comes to him, and when he looks at me with those big eyes and that stupid smile, i stil get butterflies in my tummy.

I understand that in regards to the pram he is gonna be pushing it too, as i dont have a problem him seeing the child. He may have broken my heart, but providing his supports the baby i dont have an issue with him seeing it. But do u think I should go out with him and look at prams.

Some people think us spendin time together with no-one else mite strengthen us together and others think its a recipe for disaster. Im too pregnant to focus at the minute.

Any advice?? (sorry for long post i do tend to rant lol)

 

[lilyd]

How about asking/telling him to go out and have a look at prams and then getting him to tell you which ones he likes? That way he gets to be involved but you don't have the stress and potential upset of seeing him.

Also, has your ex asked your MIL to ask you on his behalf or is she behind the idea? If you do decide to go with him, I would make clear that is was his mums idea if it is the latter.

Good luck!

 

[xJG30]

I have no idea what he's done, but I would take him.. see if it really is true that he wants to be involved

 

[mummydove]

My husband left me when Finley was a month old and he still sees him once a week, i personally find it hard to see him but it is much nicer if you can keep it civil. He has asked me on a couple of occasions if he can come out with me and finley just for a walk or something and i have said that i don't feel comfortable with it and it only confuses Finley.

Not knowing what happened between you and your partner it is hard to give advice but i think that it sounds like you are not sure about seeing him. You have got to do what you feel comfortable with. I think that advice about getting him to look on his own so that he still gets a say is great, it is getting him involved without having the worry of seeing him! If you are talking through text and close with his parents then hopefully when baby comes it will be a nice environment for baby to grow up in.

Good luck

 

[having#4]

ummmm, why isn't he the one telling you that he is interested and wants to be a part? I'm sorry but if he has to send messages through other people doesn't sound to me like he is very keen on it at all.

 

[Ash_P]

I`ll give u a brief update on what happened between him and I. Married for 1.5 yrs, together 5 yrs, told never have children, on IVF list and then suddenly i found out i was preg. Then when I was 6 weeks gone he announced he wasnt "happy" anymore and we had reached the end of the road. I later found out that he had feelings for someone else, he said that was the reason why he couldnt be with me, but "apparently" nothing has come of him and the woman, Im being told so many stories but so many people I dunno what to beleive.

He told me to leave our home, (which i had to no choice as i couldnt afford it on my own) during early preg i was rushed to hospital a few times with problems - he didnt show up once. I get a text about once a week saying "hi hows things? hows u? hows baby?"

I have told him not to contact me unless desperately nessasary - and i dont contact him at all. He has admitted to both me and my sister that he has regretted his desicions in the past (i assume he means break-up) but later said that because I didnt let him go to the scan he see`s that he needs to stick to his guns.

His mum is very much on my side and Im not sure that she would shit stir or plant seeds to get us to spend time together. I know for a fact she doesnt want to see me to go back to him. Shes mortified to admit she reared a son like him for waht he has done recently.

 

[coccyx]

I would take him with you. Try to be civil, its hard but makes things easier in the long run

 

[purpledahlia]

tbh, just going on the pram shopping thing as thats what u asked, not really his behaviour, but if his parents are buying it i would take him, u dont have to let him choose.. but if him being there could possibly help u be friends, and if it would make his mum happy.. id do it, if shes gonna fork out all the money for whatever pram u want for her grandchild im sure she would like her son to be at least a small part.. after all you still get to make the final decision.. its not like u have to choose WITH him.. its ur choice what pram u choose. But if shes paying and shes asked if he can go.. i would personally take him, itll only be for what? 2 hours?

 

[Ash_P]

Ok i just sent him a text, (i prefere messages as i have record of what exactly is being said, things can be made up about fone calls if it turns into an argument) I just told him when Im going to look at prams etc and if he would like to get involved thats fine, it is also fine if he chooses not to. (not having him thinking im relying on him) It`ll be interesting what he comes back to me with. If he gets smart or lippy he can go and F*ck himself, this is yet another chance he is getting.

His mum foned me about 20 mins ago, saying he is in such a foul form, she doesnt know what is wrong with him but hes been snappy and aggressive towards her since sunday. He neednt think hes taking his mood out on me coz he`ll know all about it if he does.

She said she cant understand what has caused the mood and anger in him, she thought it was a possibilty that it was anger about the scan (but that was like 2 weeks ago) this mood has hit him from sunday............ Trouble in paradise perhaps?? Maybe the wonderful girl isnt as wonderful as he once thought.

 

[babybaillie]

I think u were right to text and offer him to come. balls in his court, makes u look like the better person, that despite everything ur willing to put the baby 1st and come together to be parents for the LO

 

[Ash_P]

Well now im raging. I text him earlier, at a perfectly resonable hour, where i knew hed be finished work, and well its now quarter to one in the friggin morning and he hasnt bloody replied. God he makes my blood boil. I get myself so angry, everytime i give him a chance he just makes me feel so foolish for backin down.

Ya know sometimes i wish hed just turn round and say he cant be arsed and then i know were i stand.

Ok im re-reading this and now i feel abit daft, am i flying off the handle too soon? should i wait longer and see if he replies. But if he wanted to be that involved why hasnt be already replied. ARRGGGGG pregnancy makes me head feel like mush

 

[woadie]

(((hugs))) I hope he was just tired.... did he make a habit of ever not replying when you two were together?

FWIW I think the cottonwool head is a nightmare!!!! I'm still getting used to it

 

[Ash_P]

He only would of never replied to me when we were together if he was busy in work or driving. But maybe hes out with the new woman and didnt wanna be seen replying to his ex about his baby thats on the way. Wouldnt surprise me with him. I have a text message saved in my fone saying
"i assume from ur lack of reply that u dont actually want to come and look at prams. I am trying to involve u in situations where I can feel as comfortable as possible, buti`d rather u sent me a yes or no answer and let me know"

Dont know whether to send this or not, i dont want to sound like im needing him to help, hmmmm what to do

 

[lou_w34]

I wouldnt personally send it.

Youve given him a chance, and that should be it. Your were big enough to ask him, and he should have replied by now. After all you can say to his mum honestly that youve tried, and she seems like a lovely lady who will understand, so you shouldnt feel bad.

 

[Ash_P]

I just get so frustrated that Iv got this gorgeous wee thing growing in my tummy, which we went thru so much to get. A. he didnt give a hoot about bubs when he ended things when I was 6 weeks. B. when he sends messages to me its always, "hi hows things? hows you, hows baby?" (asks about baby last, I dont want him to ask how things are or how I am, just how his wee munchkin is. C. He has been given yet another opportunity to be involved and yet again lets his child down.

I get so angry cause theres men out there who would kill to be a father, and would go to the ends of the earth for their children, and this plonker that I was married to cant even be bothered to answer i flipping text message.


He was talking to his mum about 2 weeks ago (her and her husband are booking a holiday for halloween) and she was saying that she`s really looking forward to getting a wee break just the two fo them, and having something to look forward to.

His reply..............I WISH I HAD SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO!!!!
What the f*ck is going on in his head. Surely a child on the way would over come any holiday planned etc etc

 

[lilyd]

I wouldn't send it either. You made the effort and considering everything that has gone on, I think he should have considered himself lucky that you were willing to do it. If he doesn't even have the courtesy to respond then consider it his loss. If he doesn't like the pram you choose then he has noone to blame but himself.

If his mum is right and he is starting to show more interest, he certainly needs to find a better way of expressing it! I think you have been more than fair and it is now up to him to prove himself to be an interested father to be.

 

[purpledahlia]

Id leave him now, youve done what his mum asked, given him the chance, now just leave it. if he replies in a few days you could always say well you asked a friend or your mum or someone since he didnt get back to you. I hate how they have seperate rules fro them and one for us, they can take a week to reply but if we dont within one day we get an angry '' now ur ignoring me ???? '' text. They think they can walk in and out when they want so it wouldnt surprise me if he texts the night before your going shopping asking about it. Put your foot down tho, youve done the bigger thing its his problem if he doesnt respond!

 

[Ash_P]

Well i was speaking to his mum earlier on, having a wee chat about general rubbish and I told her about lack of reply. She seemed quite shocked. Couldnt understand why he hadnt replied to the message and then suggested that was there a possibility that he maybe didnt get it, some text get lost in translation etc. So she asked me very kindly, to do her a favour, To send another text, saying " hi, i am going on saturday to look at some prams would u like to go?"
I was abit against the idea, but to give her peace of mind and make her feel more at ease I thought ok, one more message and if no reply thats it.

She suggested that I set up the delivery report on my fone, that way I was certain he received the text and cant deny it being received or sent. Which I did, I sent the text with the exact wording above. Delivery report came through at 8.10pm and no reply as of yet. Thats hes final chance. I can do no more.
So much for him showing an interest in the baby and wanting to do his best.

Anger has passed me now and I just think, well i expected it from him, and im sure a lot worse to follow.

One statement i keep saying to myself which keeps me calm "the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world" boy is that true, and god is he gonna suffer in the future.

 

[lou_w34]

What a tosser!

At least you did it for his mum though, i guess its a hard thing for her to get her head around, as she wants her son to start showing some maturity. I feel quite bad for her, bless her.

I wouldnt bother anymore, you can only give him so many chances, if he wants to throw them away, then thats up too him. But this baby is already lucky as they have a mum and a nan who love them so much already!

 

[surprisebaby]

He only would of never replied to me when we were together if he was busy in work or driving. But maybe hes out with the new woman and didnt wanna be seen replying to his ex about his baby thats on the way. Wouldnt surprise me with him. I have a text message saved in my fone saying
"i assume from ur lack of reply that u dont actually want to come and look at prams. I am trying to involve u in situations where I can feel as comfortable as possible, buti`d rather u sent me a yes or no answer and let me know"

Dont know whether to send this or not, i dont want to sound like im needing him to help, hmmmm what to do

Don't send that message!!! One night is not that long. Some people do not text straight away....