Should we wait and marry first?? mil2b moan

[<tiny_toes>]

Hi girls, im new here but have lurked for a while I wondered if i could ask for some advice from you please! Im in a bit of a funny situation now, i live with my h2b and we've been together for 5 years and have our wedding planned for 2012 (date set but not much else yet!) We agreed to start ttc this year and after a bumpy few months chatted to h2b last night and im not convinced that hes ready yet so have decided to stop trying for a while, i feel so flat i was so excited, but did notice weve argued so much lately which isnt like us so think it may be the right thing to wait. His Mum has the opinion that we should be married first and i think it may be influencing him a bit as they do talk a lot, she and his family are usually fantastic but have been quite funny with us lately since starting to try for a LO. We were both so excited to start trying, but with every month its gone a little and especially with his mums funny comments about being married, i want to be married but to me having a house and a little family is so important and i dont mind which way round is there anything i can do???? thanks very much for readingX

 

[mrsp3]

Its your life, not your mother in laws. There's no point going through all the stress of planning a wedding (by the way most couples have huge arguments leading up to the wedding too as its soo stressful) if your hearts more into ttc. Much better to have the baby first and enjoy that then plan the wedding when your hearts in that and really enjoy it. Life isn't a set course, you have to do what feels right for you and your partner and not follow what your mil feels is right to keep her happy. In the end you're never gonna keep everyone happy 100% of the time but i'm sure she'll love having your grandchild as soon as its here.

hope this helps, also if i can add one more thing its try and get on as well as possible with your mil without getting too close, men will always be influenced by their mothers to some degree and if you end up falling out big time its really difficult for you and your oh.

Lastly i reckon you should definitely talk to your other half about it and ask him if he's having second thoughts and if so why? try and really listen to what he says and make him feel that you want to know what he's feeling rather than having a go at him (not always easy!! i know)

good luck, I hope it all works out, it sounds like all three of you want the same things, just in a different order.

 

[Racheldigger]

I would seriously recommend being married by the time the baby's born, purely for the sake of the legal formalities and the paperwork. If you weren't married, for instance, your partner wouldn't be allowed to register the baby's birth. If anything were to happen to your child, your partner wouldn't be officially informed or consulted. If you were to walk under a bus, your partner wouldn't automatically get care of the child, and if he were to walk under a bus, neither you nor the child would be his legal heir, which could leave you in deep financial trouble if e.g. your mortgage is in his name. Scarier still, if anything were to go wrong during the birth, and you or the baby needed urgent surgical intervention and you weren't in a state to be asked for your consent, your partner is neither your next of kin nor the baby's, so even if he were in the room beside you he could do nothing but stand there while the hospital staff tried to contact your parents, or whoever else is legally entitled to give such consent.

 

[BabyQ]

Forget the mother in law, forget laws and culture, what do you BOTH really want to do?

Like mrsp3 said, try not to fall out with the mother in law, maybe talk to her, if she is a decent person she will understand. Sometimes what we presume other are thinking is wrong, like you say, you feel she's been funny, and making funny comments, sometimes it's better to talk outright about it.

You say you're not convined he's ready, has he said this directly? I would just talk to him and tell him exactly how you're feeling.

I myself never imagined being pregnant before marriage! But I am, and it was planned. We're getting married in June, 2011, it's been booked for nearly a year already, and whilst I wanted to make sure I wasn't heavily pregnant on my wedding day, we have both been desperate for kids for a couple of years now, the wedding seemed miles away! (we want the wedding of the century LOL and needed time to save up for it.) So this was just the right way round for us. Surprisingly my (very strict traditionalist) mum and dad were over the moon whe n we told them I was pregnant! They know our relationship is solid.

Please, please don't make decisions based on what other people think is right, do what you feel right, it's very sad that you now feel flat. I know just how strong that urge for a baby is for a woman

 

[Princess_LV]

Actually, due to recent changes in the law, your OH would have all the rights of a married father so long as his name goes on the birth certificate. The only difference is that you have to give consent to his name going on it if you are not married, whereas he automatically acquires the right to have his name on it if you are. The only other benefit legally is with regard to tax and benefit allowances, but not sure on the detail. I won't be marrying before children, regardless of what any of our family think, because we cannot afford to have the kind of wedding we would like, and don't want to compromise. You should both make the decision for yourself, and not take any notice of what others think - do what feels right you both hun x

ETA: also, some of the other issues that Racheldigger rose can be sorted with a simple will! IMO, whether married or not, you should both have a will sorted before baby comes along. And as for consent during the birth, a living will can remedy this.

 

[<tiny_toes>]

I'm so very greatful for all your advice, really cant thank you enough ladies you've made me feel so much better! Its so great to be able to get all this off my chest, thank you!! You're so absolutely right, i'm going to be brave and we can have a good old chat to my mil and see how she feels, theres no sense in just whispering behing backs i think you're so right, it all needs to come into the open! Then we can seriously talk about all this and see if the time is right for us, and if it isnt at the moment then im sure it will be soon. You're so right too about asking h2b outright about whether hes ready, he was 100% all last year and leading up to ttc, but since the arguments/family issues it all went a bit downhill, and we havent been making love like we used to definately need to get it sorted, we're off to see his family tomorrow so shall use it as a prime time to get everything sorted, and will talk to OH tonight and update you all if thats ok i just want everything to be so perfect for our LO when they do come along, so dont want any upsets or grumpy feelings, i know me and my family are fine about concieving before the wedding but i want it to be right for us all. Your advice about the laws/rights is so useful too, i didnt know all that and am very greatful. Thanks so much for being there xx

 

[amyclaire]

just do whatever makes you happy. i know both my mum and mil will have PLENTY of opinions when it comes to me and oh and i will happily listen to advice but we definitely know what we want and whats right.
thanks for the marriage info as well leah, oh and i dont plan on getting married until after no. 2 (we want 4 )
xxxx

 

[Princess_LV]

just do whatever makes you happy. i know both my mum and mil will have PLENTY of opinions when it comes to me and oh and i will happily listen to advice but we definitely know what we want and whats right.
thanks for the marriage info as well leah, oh and i dont plan on getting married until after no. 2 (we want 4 )
xxxx

No worries - I knew studying family law would come in handy at some point! x

 

[Damita]

It's your life do what you want, but if you OH wants to wait till you are married then maybe you should wait personally I think you should get married before you have children but that's just me being old fashioned.

 

[Celesse]

Do what YOU want.

My general opinion of marriage is that if I had the money to get married I would have better things to spend it on. Having a child together binds me and OH together a lot more than a piece of paper, a ring and a party ever could.

 

[<tiny_toes>]

Thanks so much for your help and advice, its been brilliant hearing what you all think Me and OH had a really long chat again and he confessed that his mums worrys have caused him to wobble about it all as he does worry about upsetting her and wants to be seen to do the right thing, even though he admitted that with their blessing it would be full steam ahead cry: silly me) but i do really understand and i only want to try again when he is fully ready and if he wants to be sure his mum is happy first then i said thats what we'll do and i really do feel better knowing when it happens it will all be right so we're off to see her and his sisters family now (shes pregnant but been married a year) and will just subtly mention that we're going to wait and see what her reaction is really, fingers crossed it will cheer things up abit. We so didnt want to cause upset!! O well, im sad, but feel better at the same time if that makes sense, i dont ever want OH to do this with half a heart thats worrying. We've said we'll re-assess next year, and OH even mentioned about bringing the wedding closer so we're going to look into dates for next spring! thasnks so much for everything x

 

[shortie58]

My husband wouldnt allow us to try until we were married, as he insisted the baby parents must have same surname. At the time I was upset about that but now understand why he felt the way he did. My MIL feels the same you should be married before having children, but if it had happened she would have been happy for us. As her other son's girl friend is pregnant at the moment and she is chuffed.

Lesley xxx

 

[lily24]

Being quite blunt about it..

My son wouldn't have receive anymore or any less love,care or attetion from me or his daddy if we were married.
Yeh its important and we will get married one day, but my children wont be affected just because we havent spent an arm and a leg signing a piece of paper or are wearing an extra ring.

When you buy a house/flat ect with a partner, its always policy to take out a will at the time with your solicitor, so you may have already done this if you already live together? Therfore you and or your partner would have the rights to your children if, god forbid, anything were to happen.

To date, We havn't came across any hurdls, benifits wise or in any other department wise, that has been a problem just because we aren't married.
Infact, i had to have an emergancy c-section when Jack was being born and my OH signed the consent form for it to go ahead as i was quite ill so thats a good example of him having a say in what happens to our son.

Good luck hunni

 

[helent1983]

I would seriously recommend being married by the time the baby's born, purely for the sake of the legal formalities and the paperwork. If you weren't married, for instance, your partner wouldn't be allowed to register the baby's birth. If anything were to happen to your child, your partner wouldn't be officially informed or consulted. If you were to walk under a bus, your partner wouldn't automatically get care of the child, and if he were to walk under a bus, neither you nor the child would be his legal heir, which could leave you in deep financial trouble if e.g. your mortgage is in his name. Scarier still, if anything were to go wrong during the birth, and you or the baby needed urgent surgical intervention and you weren't in a state to be asked for your consent, your partner is neither your next of kin nor the baby's, so even if he were in the room beside you he could do nothing but stand there while the hospital staff tried to contact your parents, or whoever else is legally entitled to give such consent.

This is totally incorrect!!!!!!!!! You DO NOT need to be married for FOB to have parental responsibility! So long as his name is on birth certificate he has as much right as you!

 

[4magpies]

My OH doesnt think getting wed is that important. He said that buying a house together is more of a commitment. I'm not going to wait to get married just so I can have a LO.

We arent even engaged and we will be TTC soon.

xxx

 

[<tiny_toes>]

Thanks so much ladies, you've all given such fantastic advice, i really really appreciate it!! we had a good long talk with his Mum and were really open and honest (same with my parents but they dont mind they know how much we love each other and a wedding wouldnt change how much we would love a baby)... it did really help, she said she doesnt want to influence us, and really seemed like she didnt, but that if she could choose she'd choose us to be married first for traditional reasons, but that if we fall pregnant before she'd never be upset/ love her grandchild less/ cause problems... but i think we will hang on while we see about getting married next spring as that seems like the new plan!! (so exciting ) thanks ever so much for all your help and advice girls xx

 

[babybump2010]

It is a very personal choice hun and you should defineltly speak to your OH about his reasons for changing his mind!

Personally me and OH are waiting till we are married, but this is our choice and something we both agreed on and wanted for different reasons.
Hope you sort it all out soon x

 

[<tiny_toes>]

Thanks so much ladies, just wanted to tell you that we now have a date set for spring 2011 and have put a deposit down for our venue using the money we have been saving up!! woop woop so we're wtt til the honeymoon and both feel so positive, thanks sooo much x

 

[BButterflies]

Congratulations! It will be here before you know it!

 

[xsophiexleax]

Wow congratulations! x