so confused and very angry

[jessalex26]

Hi,
i had a miscarriage 2 months ago, i was 11 weeks and 3 days.
it was my first pregnancy and very much wanted. I came of the pill 5 months before and was just waiting for things to happen.
i am still really struggling to accept what i have lost, im so angry that there are no explanations or reasons, just been told its one of those things! i feel like my body is against me and im scared for any future pregnancies. I have had my first period since the operation i had and have been trying to get pregnant, but what happens then? i will be terrified incase i misscarry again. I also feel guilty for trying so soon, i know mentally im not ready as i still cry myself to sleep at night but i just cant focus on anything else, i just want the pain to stop.
please tell me im not the only one who feels like this,
jess

 

[GreyGirl]

You're not the only one. It's not 'one of those things'...it's horrific for anyone who had a very much wanted baby and then the baby isn't there anymore. Don't be too scared to try again, next time things might be fine.
I had an ectopic a year ago and it still hurts now. These things never fade completely, but you will get stronger in time. Take things at your pace and remember you're not alone

 

[bluebear831]

im in the same boat,,,,the only thing i can say is,, you will feel better hun it just takes time,, you need to take the + out of it,, you know you can get preg and that its self is great,,but i no how your feeling,its one of the hardest things ever,, im sure you will have your baby as will i,, im here if you need me,, and this site is great it really helps me,,,

 

[Narla83]

Aww hunni, just want to send you a big and to let you know I think we all feel like that, your not on your own. I know Im going to be a nervous wreck when/if I fall p/g again, am also guilty of wanting to ttc straight away.

Think all these feelings just confirm that we all make great mummys when the time comes.

Lots of again your way.x

 

[TTC Again]

While it isn't necessarily a comfort to know others have been dealing with the same emotion, sometimes it helps to jsut know you aren't alone. I think any one of us on this board who have been through a loss could have written what you put into words here. It is the same sentiment. I feel awful that anyone else has to go through this. And it TOTALLY SUCKS that even once we ever do become pregnant again, a lot of the joy of it will be sucked away and replaced with fear...a fear that others who have never lived through a loss have the bliss of not knowing. It is unfortunate for us and it does suck, but it is a reality.

Hang in there...it does get easier with time and once we are all pregnant again and ultimately holding our babies, this challenging road to get there will all be well worth it!

Big Hugs!

 

[jessalex26]

thankyou all for your kind words of support, i guess there will be good and bad days along this road for all of us, there is no easy fix.

 

[babyboo1258]

 

[mummymarsh]

i too understand how you feel my charlie was still born at 24 weeks and 3 days 16th march was his birthday..... and i had to give birth to him like it was a normal labour.. i held him in my arms and felt gutted i was never gonna hear him cry or see him open his eyes.. i willed for his tiny little eyes to open..

its been just overr a month, ad im having unprotectedd sex with the husband, and i feel so guilty about geting pregnant again. im NOT trying to concieve yet im stiill emotionally unready and waiting for more results and blood tests etc!! I NEED TO USE A CONDOM lol......

but i also feel like rest of you, the jot an excitement of my next pregnancy is gnna be sucked away from me and replaced with fear and anxiety......

i hope in time you can learn to understand whats happened and hold positive memories for your angel baby.....

i bought a special condolnce book and i talk and write to Charlie using that and i find that helps....
xxxxxxxx

 

[TTC Again]

MummyMarsh - my heart goes out to you and your husband. It sounds like you are handling it all really well (all things considered) and I really like the idea of writing in a journal to your Charlie. I hope you don't continue to feel guilty for trying to conceive again. Sending big hugs!

 

[lintu]

I feel very similar, I dont feel guilty as i did everything by the book, Im sure if I had so much have had a sip of alcohol or tiny bit of smoked salmon then I would never be able to forgive myself, but I think I did everything I could to help my baby, it just wasnt strong enough.

The way I chose to look at it is like this, theres was something wrong with my baby and it chose not to carry on, at least I didnt have to chose to terminate. Nature has a way and yes that is horrific and hard to accept, lord knows it took me some time but I can look back rationally now and I think I can do the hard bit, I can get pregnant.

My baby was very much wanted, TTC 12 cycles before we got caught and the thought of starting all over again is really painfull.

The two things I really struggled with was bitterness and anger.

I was bitter and i still have my days when i see girls of 15/16 pushing a pram and I think why did your baby live and mine died I could give my baby a much better life than you can give yours, I wanted mine so much. I know that is wrong but every now and then I cant help myself I just want to stamp my feet and have a tamtrum about how hard done by i am

I was angry with my body, for letting me down, I was meant to protect this little thing and I couldnt even give it life, I had let it down. This is what my body was meant to do and it let me down. God I was so angry at it, to the point of I even said to my hubby if he wanted to leave me for someone who could give him children then i would understand, looking back i get that that was totally irrational but i really felt that it had let me down somehow and all the well meaning people just made it worse.

I dealt by having my tattoo thats my profile pic, in memory of my lil twinkle, when I'm having a bad day I look at it and it makes me stronger knowing that my baby will always be with me, will never be forgotten and is still very much loved xxxx Im sure its something you never really get over, you just learn to live with I only mentioned to my DH about how long it had been since my ERPC last night and we were both amazed. I still have my bad days, but im happy to say they are few and far between now, the milestones still arent good but iv just passed what would have been 20weeks so I dont have any of those left save the due date and I'm hoping to be pregnant again by then