so hurt and angry at dh

[bounceyboo]

so in the run up to Christmas he was always bringing up what I wanted for xmas I will say he got me a nice new changing bag but said it was apart of my pressie, the same day he knew id picked p some stuff for him for xmas from ds and I he wanted to go out and just gave me his debit card and told me to order the bag I wanted, ill add that ive gotten all the new babys toys, clothes, toiletries, most of ds santa present, I got the presents for the kids on both sides and paid the majority of the bills in the lead up, he earns a good wage and didn't have much in the line of bills himself and was doing over time at work, also being pregnant and recently married I took ick leave early until I go on maternity leave so money was short with me but he didn't even ask once was I ok/offer to help me out. he knew I was worried about my sick pay coming in on time before xmas but again let me get and pay for everything, I should also add we took a 3 month mortgage break so we wouldn't be stuck for money so we didn't have a bill over 100 in the month so its not like he was worried about paying that by himself, he was more concerned about going out with his friends 2 sometimes 3 nights a week for a pint,leaving me exhausted and short tempered with him/ds because ds is going through the terrible 2 and hitting/spitting. he hasn't com to a single doctors appointment with me, never came to the scans with me, he was totally different when I was pregnant the first time always getting the baby something taking about when the baby comes but he doesn't mention the baby until I bring it up, he is loving and attentive most of the time hes not all bad but xmas morning I was so hurt and still very teary over the fact I got nothing from him or ds not even a card, it was our first married xmas, our last night ds as an only child I worked so hard all year to have a brilliant wedding, and make Christmas special for the 3 of us on top of working part time and under pressure to compete my studies before the baby comes which now looks unlikely I will finish them times running out im having a section at 39 weeks, I spent the whole of xmas day trying to avoid bursting into tears over it he even said on xmas eve I didn't get a chance to get you card or anything ill give you money to get something in the sales I know u want to go on Friday(st.stephans/boxing day), I was hurt but I though god surely hes just calling my bluff, but no, xmas morning I gave him his present from ds, his card and his card from ds and I got nothing hardly a kiss good morning, so that night I told him how hurt I was and he apologised and said he'd make it up to me again saying he'd give me something to treat myself the sales the next day, its sounds like im all about presents im not its the fact he never for one second thought to get me a card even from ds, he knows things like that me a lot to me, or the fact he cant see what he did wrong, he knew and saw how hard I worked to make it nice for us and had no problem throwing a tantrum over his phone I got him being the wrong one hence me rushing around 7.5mths pregnant at xmas trying 3 different 02 shops to change it and ringing customer service and got no where, he still has the phone even though he hates it and ds got him his favourite aftershave, then Friday we went to the shopping centre for a look around he wanted to get some stuff for himself n see what was around so I was thinking he'll pick me up something or whatever I had just spent 140 on clothes for the baby and ds which he said he'd go spilts with me, im still waiting by the way, in mothercare we got the base for the carseat and in fairness he paid but only because he was kinda pressured into it, not because he wanted to and last night I brought up the whole thing about how I was hurt he didn't think of making our first married xmas special all of the about stuff, he called me a spoilt brat that the base was my present, that he already got me the bag, the total opposite of what he said to me for the last few weeks and days, I said the one who was being a brat was him and to say the base was my present was ridiculous he told me he would get it a few days ago because its the only thing we really needed and wanted to get other than new baby monitors,im awake since 6.30 and in tears again because I cant stop thinking about how insensitive and mean I think it is especially because i thought he would treat me like he always does around xmas and was a bit shocked xmas morning when i got literally nothing i would have been embarrassed but he wasn't. i am right to be upset and and emotional wreck aren't i?he got paid Friday, again on xmas eve he got 250 one for all voucher and 250 cash as a bonus and got paid again Friday last so its not like he was so broke he couldn't even get me a card from our little boy and him

if you have made it this far well done its a bit of an essay but ive no one to talk to

 

[bounceyboo]

bump

 

[Laurans]

So sorry to hear your feeling hurt, I think I would feel the same to be honest! For me the lack of card or any noticeable effort would be the upsetting thing! If he hadn't bought anything and intended to get you something in the sales that's fine but he could have got you a nice card or a token gift!
Like I say I would feel the same but I'm sure he must have his reasons, sometimes my DH and I have miscommunications over things and I feel really upset for a while. I don't feel like it's me being hormonal, in fact since being pregnant we have only had one argument/ disagreement ( and that was when he was drunk!)
I do think men sometimes forget your pregnant too! Sounds silly when you have a beach ball stuck on your front but I do think sometimes we need to ask more specifically rather than just hint about things! There have been times iv though...wow why don't you offer to do that rather than me struggle but I just need to learn to ask etc!
Anyway sending hugs, be kind to yourself, maybe there are some other friends/family members who you can spend time with, who really appreciate you!!
Hugs x

 

[bounceyboo]

thanks hun im in tears all morning again, you hit the nail on the head there its the fact it seems he didn't think about me at all hurts the most he says he did his actions prove otherwise, he is at work and he just had yet another fight over it, he still doesn't get it, he was like what do you want a present from Christopher? its the fact he doesn't see what he did wrong in the first place, that hes only thinking about himself, that I worked so hard to make it special and he ruined it, he always gets me something and if he doesn't he makes sure to give me something to treat myself,i dropped a ton of hints even leaving my cracked tablet on the counter for weeks saying I need to replace it/ replace the screen I want it for when im in the hospital so I wont be bored when baby is asleep./late night feeds etc, that I have to get a new hair straightener mines on the way out, id like new ear rings m favourite ones are broken, etc he writes the sweetest stuff in xmas/birthday cards I look forward to what he says in that more than anything,

 

[emmi26]

Awww hun I want to give you a hug !
You have every right to be upset he's had more than one opportunity to make things special even if he had picked a beautiful xmas card it would have helped. How is buying a car seat base for his child your present ! That's awful hun as you said you already bought most of babies stuff and xmas presents for your little one he should be helping you !
Maybe you should forget his birthday next time
and not going to appointments with you isn't on either it's his baby too my husband ( we got married 3 weeks ago ) has been to all scans and only missed 2 appts with midwife when he was working. I sort out our money when your married it's our money it's our baby so things should be equal he's acting like a kid letting you pay for everything and not wanting to spend his money.
You need to tell him as best you can hun before baby arrives you need support that's the point and when you have your section you will need his help and when you can't g to the shops he will have to use his money and help you.
I would love to come and tel him for you bit of pregnancy rage on your behalf lol
Let us know how it goes
Emma

 

[yellowduck]

Hi bouncy,

I agree with laurans, I've realised recently that 'dropping hints' doesn't work. I now don't even say what I want for christmas or birthdays I write it down and give it to my DH. I have to say things like please don't buy me kitchen stuff for christmas or I don't want this or that. It sounds so unromantic but I've realised it's not my DH being unkind or selfish but present buying seems to really stress him out if I leave him to chose things I'd either get nothing or a load of stuff I don't want or is practical.

Re scans and appointments I told DH which ones he needed come to and which I would attend on my own. Did you do that? Did you ask him to come? If your DH is anything like mine he needs telling. I sound like I'm nagging and controlling but I'm not I've just realised over time that this is how it works best for us.

Also about the money, my DH is squirrelling money away and I've recently realised its because he's worried about needing money while I'm off on maternity leave so he wants to make sure he can provide for us. Could that be why he's being so tight with money?

I hope you feel better soon

 

[emmi26]

Yellow duck I like your style lol

 

[Lisa2701]

You have every right to feel the way you do. Its not about the gifts, its about the effort, or lack off in which he's put into making you feel special, which everyone deserves! I would be furious.

Like yellow duck I have learned to be very direct with my husband, although he has autism so he has a reason he needs me to be black and white with him. My DH is the opposite, he wants to have millions of gifts to give but he'd rather split his budget and buy me hundreds of gifts rather than buy me the one I really want.

I also agree with yellow duck that baby things are NOT gifts to you, they are for his child and that is his responsibility to help provide. How would he like it if you bought him some clothes for your current DS or a pack of bottles/nappies as part of his Xmas? You deserve to be given something nice and special on Xmas. To me Xmas is about getting something you wouldn't usually spend money on on yourself, not essential household/family items.

I hope you feel better soon and he comes to realise what he's done.

 

[bounceyboo]

thanks girls, re the appointments they are in the afternoon which suits him better work wise so it would be easier for him to get off, the only 1 he came to was the 12 week scan and that's it, I was told at the start I was going to loose this baby as I was bleeding but he didn't come to any of the appointments then, and his birthday in February so I told him hes getting nothing because a new baby is enough he rang me and said hes sorry he knows how hurt I am and can see why, he wants to get me something but I said now its too late and its like he wants the fighting to stop and that's why he wants to

 

[emmi26]

Hun is he frightened ?
I'm wondering if you almost losing the baby scared him and he's too scared to get attached if that makes sense ? It's no excuse at all just wondering if he is scared and that's why he doesn't come to the appts.

 

[Vickster1]

Really sorry that you're feeling so rubbish. Hugs xxx

 

[bounceyboo]

Hun is he frightened ?
I'm wondering if you almost losing the baby scared him and he's too scared to get attached if that makes sense ? It's no excuse at all just wondering if he is scared and that's why he doesn't come to the appts.

I don't know hun he talks to bump and asks ds whos my tummy etc, rubs it and give it kisses, he came home tonight with a gift and an apology,hes a chef by profession and understandably maybe he couldn't get out for my appointments but it would still be nice of he came to some to keep me company if anything

 

[yellowduck]

Ah I'm glad he's apologised and trying to make it up to you, I agree with emmi he sounds like he might be a bit scared.

Sounds like he's trying to make it up to you. X

 

[bounceyboo]

I think so too hun, hes here now giving my tired legs a rub after running around after a crazy toddler all day, he said he will try n come to my next hospital appointment too,

thanks ladies for all the kind words