So lost on what to do anymore....

[ready4num2]

My DD1 is 8 years old. I'm just so beside myself on what to do anymore. She's not really misbehaving but will never do what she's told. We can tell her to do something and she does in fact hear us the first time, but will ask what a few times after she's told. She comes home with homework will do some of it than all of a sudden it's 'I don't know how'. Which isn't true if she can complete the first half why not the second? One sheet of homework is a 4 hour process or longer EVERY night. My husband and I have noticed she's just so careless with everything she does. At first we figured ok she's 8 it's typical. But I really feel she just doesn't care about anything. We're only about 4 weeks into the school year and I'm already getting phone calls home. She won't do what she's told there. The teacher will tell her to write her full name on her work and will only write her first rush through it, most of the time not completing it. Her lying is what's really getting to us to. About anything and everything! We've taken away TV, dessert, going outside to play, most of her toys. It's like nothing phases her!

The best part is I have my family on my ass acting as if we're being ridiculous from taking all this stuff away from her. My DD tells my mother were 'mean' to her than my mother calls my family to tell them. Now at every family gathering it's always the topic of why we're so mean! No one gets it. We've tried talking to her, explains things to her. It's not helping. We honestly do not know what to do.

 

[seoj]

It's not exactly like what we went through with our oldest (around the same age)- but similar... she would argue ALL the time. Literally, if she could "make her point" she'd try- and it was exhausting at times- to say the least. With her, positive reinforcement, clear boundaries, sticking to our guns and lots of talks helped... over time. It didn't help overnight- but it only continued to improve and today she is such an amazing teenager! I sometimes forget how difficult she could be back then! I would say 9-12 was worst (for her). 9 being the most difficult- and then getting easier and easier- and finally much better...

With my SD though, it was her anxiety that kicked up and caused some of her behavior. So we did counseling and tbh- it helped a ton. Not just her- for an outlet- but for us too- to better understand why she acted a certain way- and what we could do to help facilitate change with her. Also why positive reinforcement worked- if she started to argue, I would simply say "this is not a debate. here is what you can do"- and give options... options I was ok with, so that she felt some sense of control- but still did what I needed her to do with less arguing.

We also had a sticker chart- and if she didn't argue, or did chores, or helped her she could save them up for rewards- like a sleep over or something else you child might really want. Whatever motivates her?

With my SD taking her phone away (when she was older and had one) worked very well- it got to the point I just looked at her, held out my hand, and she immediately stopped arguing... some stuff, we had to understand more though. As to why she acted out certain ways- and how we could help her work through it- and be a supportive force, but still encourage the good behavior.

Being a good parent is HARD work! Seriously though- it's so much easier to just give in and say "whatever"- but standing your ground, setting clear rules, and having consequences (not necessarily punishment) can help... long term. So keep it up. And whatever if your family doesn't agree- it's not their job to agree-- but it's YOUR job to be the best parent you can. I know it's easier for me to say that... we got resistance too from my hubbies mom/aunt at times. It was frustrating- cause they just always gave in, which only made it worse. And it took time and explanation and us making things very clear for them to back-up and let us do what was best for her... not just what was easy.

Not sure any of that helps or make sense-- sometimes we just try diff things till we find what works for our kid. As they all vary. Best of luck!

 

[RachA]

I couldn't say it any better than Seoj

 

[CandyDay]

I would also talk to your family and tell them what is going and why you are doing it. Ask them to stop saying you are being mean as that re-enforces your daughters bad behaviour. Tell them that when you go to family gatherings that if they continue to say you are being mean that you will leave. And if they do continue then be sure to leave. You need to stick up for yourselves and not let others talk down to you or your DD will see that and she will continue with her behaviour.

 

[leiaorgana1]

Could it be she thinks it doesn't matter because there's a new baby on the way and 'you won't care anyway'? Kids have odd reasoning sometimes and 8 is not too old to feel insecure. I'm just wondering out loud really...