So Messed Up...Need Help

[mamashakesit]

THIS IS REALLY, REALLY LONG...I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO READ ALL OF IT, BUT I REALLY NEEDED TO GET THIS OUT OF MY SYSTEM.

PLEASE READ THE END THAT I PUT IN RED TEXT IF YOU CAN AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU'D DO, BASED ON YOUR EXPERIENCE OF HAVING A BRAND NEW BABY AND BEING ON YOUR OWN. THANKS!!!


It's been a long, long time since I've been on here...partly because my summer was eaten up by some long work hours, partly because all of the drama with the baby's father.

He's been going back and forth between me and another woman since I found out I was pregnant. They are big party pals...he's been arrested twice since he's been with her. I picked him up from detox once and bailed him out of jail once. He's had other problems with her where he could have been in some serious trouble. Finally, in July, right before I left for vacation to visit my family, he surprised me with a beautiful, brand new 3-bedroom house that he'd gotten an incredible deal on from the landlord. He told me he's been an idiot and that he's always wanted a family (he grew up in foster care; has never had a family) and that I have the kindest heart he's every known and that's what he needs and wants in his life.

I went on vacation and came back and it's been hell ever since. He's been gone 75% of the time...leaving me alone in this empty house...he's told me on several occasions that he just can't afford the place and I need to get a roommate. He actually moved all of his stuff out one day and moved it back in the next. Now he finally has a job and leaves in a week for a 3-week (unpaid) training session in a city 5 hours away. We were getting along really well over the last couple of weeks and on Sunday, he suddenly told me we will never be together and he still cares about this other woman and that he finally told her we were living together and everything is out on the table now. He literally made me go get the motorcycle jacket and helmet from work that he bought so he could take her riding and he's been at her house since...not even hiding it anymore.

Before he left I was in a huge sobbing jag and he came up behind me and hugged me and said that he was so sorry for ruining my life and that I've saved his life and he can't believe what a piece of shit he is. He's tried calling a couple of times, but I haven't answered.

I'm so screwed. I started packing all my stuff, but I really don't know what to do...I'm so stressed out and the baby is due in less than 45 days. I actually started smoking cigarettes again (which I quit in January before I even got pregnant).

I have three options and I don't like any of them:

One: Stay there and make him man up and pay the rent and have a beautiful house for the baby when it gets here (but also have to deal with him seeing another woman right in front of me). And also have to stress about money. Lease runs out in January. Or I can stay there and get a roommate (not AT ALL crazy about that idea as I don't want strangers around my child)

Two: His friends and wife are moving out of their current place into a house and have offered to rent it to me for just $325 a month. However, it's a trailer, a TRAILER in one of the hillbilly redneck areas of town...but it would save me lots and lots of money and I would have my own space for me and the baby. I'd just be humiliated for people to know where I live.

Three: Move in with a male friend who has a house...and live in someone's spare bedroom with my brand new baby and family visiting.

Please tell me what you'd do in my situation. I need to make a decision ASAP.

I am having a very hard time accepting the fact that I will never have the family structure I always wanted. There is a lot of denial over the situation and what it means for me and my child.

 

[Baby France]

What an absolute arse. I can't believe what an idiot he is, seems like he wants to push his insecurities onto you.

Personally if it was me I'd go with the trailer. It might not be the most ideal situation but...you can save money for your own place. You won't worry about what he's up to, is he coming back etc... and you can be a mum without other people being in your face and you worrying about waking the house so to speak.

What a crap situation to be in. I wouldn't (and don't) give a crap about what people think or thought. You'll be providing a safe and secure home for your LO and the money saved will help for a rainy day!

Thats just me though!

 

[LittleMadam]

Many hugs, honey.

Very difficult. I'd definitely move out and away from FOB. I'd tell him first though that he hadn't 'ruined my life' but had, in the long run, made it better (by leaving you). (This is hard to see right now but you will)

I'd go for the cheapest and safest accommodation available, even if it is a trailer. It will be your home and for you and baby. Eventually, it will become your sanctuary. Only thing I am concerned about is that the landlords are HIS friends. I feel you need to drop all ties to completely until baby is here. Also, I wouldn't worry about what people think in terms of where you live. Those kind of people are not worth your time.

And don't think you will never have the 'family structure' you want because you WILL meet someone else and they will love you and your LO exactly as you deserve. I might add that having a child does help weed out the losers.

Never stay with someone because you think your baby needs a daddy because, quite frankly, many children are better off in single parent families.

Do you have familial support? I sincerely hope so.

All the best. xx

 

[surprisebaby]

i would choose staying at your friends house. i would not want to rely on your fob at all. this way you will have more control of your situation. try not to worry and have faith that things will turn out alright. sorry your fob has been so awful. you can do so much better. you don't need him xx

 

[mamashakesit]

Only thing I am concerned about is that the landlords are HIS friends. I feel you need to drop all ties to completely until baby is here. Also, I wouldn't worry about what people think in terms of where you live. Those kind of people are not worth your time.

This was a concern of mine as well. This guy and FOB have been best friends for nearly 20 years and he has become very concerned about him over the last couple of years and have encouraged me to get away from him and to worry only about myself and the baby.

 

[lal]

I agree with moving to YOUR friend's house - save $ until you can get your own place. And the one who should be humiliated if anyone is HIM, not you, he is putting you AND his child in this situation and you need to survive the best you can for you and your child...cut ties, find out how to get the paternity test/child support, and rest knowing that he will screw this other woman over when he gets tired of her also. This sounds like my FOB, he is not happy unless he is causing drama and making the choice he knows is wrong - and I don't know about yours, but mine is too old and not handsome enough to act like Rebel Without a Cause You're the lucky one to be getting out of it now, whether it feels like yet it or not, that will be very obvious to you someday, believe me I've been there (and still am).

 

[alexisandmias]

I think the trailer is perfectly fine! It is a home and you can save for later. The baby won't know the difference.

 

[mamashakesit]

Well...here's an update:

I talked to his friends that own the trailer last night. They said they would be happy to start helping me move in this weekend...however. The kitchen roof needs a patch and I would have to find someone to do that. He also said he doesn't feel comfortable lying to FOB about where I'm living. He said if it was my own place somewhere else, he could do it...but that if it's his own house, he's not quite comfortable with that. He said he could most likely convince him that I don't want to see him at all and that he needs to leave me alone.

My friend with the house has since not been answering my calls or emails, so I'm assuming that offer is off the table. I'm starting to wonder if a roommate in the current house is the best situation...although I still feel like I could really use the solitude and my own space. I'm so confused. I was pretty set in my mind...but now I'm starting to get emotional and upset again and I don't know what I'm going to do. I have a week to decide. I'm so screwed.

 

[lal]

Check Craigslist - there may be another single mother looking for a roomate (and you could trade babysitting!), I would look for one with their own home that you could move into (and as cheap as possible) and get out of the one in his name. You need something stable and unrelated to him, where you can save $ to get on your feet. Also, check with local crisis centers and see if they have any advice or help to offer.

 

[mamashakesit]

Sooo...another update....I talked to my Dad last night and he agreed to pay off 2 months worth of rent so I can stay in the house without having to worry about finding a roommate, having strangers around the baby, etc. He doesn't want me moving at 7 months pregnant. I've been pretty isolated from my family because of my location and because I've wanted them to like FOB...but I decided it was time to let them in on the situation.

FOB pretty much moved out already. Of course, he had to be an ass and take the TV he told me I could have when he made me sell the two older ones I had at my old house because he'd "buy new flat screens" when he made a little more money. Oh, well. He's almost gone...I suppose that's a plus right there.

 

[LittleMadam]

Honey, are you sure it's wise staying in his house? Personally, I think it's better to move at 7 mos pregnant then with a newborn, especially in your circumstances. What will you do once your dad stops paying the rent? Why not move near, or in with, your parents?

Hugs. xx

 

[mamashakesit]

Because my parents live halfway across the country and I have insurance with the state I live in. If I go there, my healthcare will not be covered. I have been talking to my family a lot in the last few days and they have said that should I say the word, they will be here in 3 days with a truck and ready to move me.

It is a rental either way, the lease is up in 3 months and like my dad said...it is not a question of IF he will find where I am, it is a question of when. My stress level has lowered considerably since that issue has been decided. My mom is also coming out at the end of the month, and staying indefinitely.

Now I am facing the decision on whether or not this man deserves to be there when his child is born. They are telling me no, no a thousand times no...and I have doubts myself, but at the same time, I don't see how I can not at least give him the opportunity to show up.