So much anger and sadness today

[Molae06]

Today is my birthday and this one has hit harder than ever. It's been over a year since my first and only pregnancy that resulted in early m/c. And now I sit here no baby and not even pregnant for that matter. This month it is 7 years ttc and no baby. Pretty much all hopes and dreams are gone. I would hate to say I hate my life but at this point in time I do truly hate not life itself, but I hate what I go through everyday. Constant hatred of people with babies, constant hatred of moms to be, I hate that I hate everyone. Is that even possible. Not to mention the fact that my marriage is falling apart. Me and dh have been more and more seriously talking about just divorcing and going our separate ways. We are both just sick of waiting and hating life. I feel like he would be happier if he were to find someone else and make a life with them. Problem is I am pretty sure that would be the nail in the coffin. It would absolutely devastate me for something to come so easily between him and someone else that we have tried and failed at for 7 years. Then I wonder how long it would take me to find someone who was willing to be with me despite my fertility problems. Being at the age when people are getting married and making families, I don't know who would even want to be with an infertile unless they already had kids of their own or didn't want kids anyway. Which, defeats the whole purpose I guess. Felling lost and confused and mad and every other bad emotion. Sorry for the rant, but birthdays blow.

 

[jack79]

So sorry ur feeling like this molae, especially on ur birthday TTC can be so hard- it really does suck doesn't it. Try to do something nice tomorrow or whenever u have some free time - maybe try to take ur mind off everything. And remember its normal to feel the way u r feeling-ur not alone. Most of us on this forum can relate to what u describe Try to be positive although sometimes its just so hard i know xx

 

[flou]

Im sorry that you are going through a tough time. How you feel is perfectly normal. I know i have certainly felt that way.

Also i can understand how your birthday can make it worse. I had a mc in november and my baby would have been due on my birthday in July. Im dreading it and worried that my birthday will always be tainted. Me and my DH are going away for a few days. Treat yourself to something nice or do something for you, you deserve it!

 

[Molae06]

Thanks for the replies. I was filled with a lot of rage yesterday but a good friend took me to a movie and we had a long talk it made me feel like there is still hope somewhere in the darkness. My thought process is this, if a miracle doesn't happen within the next 3 months then I am going to hit yet another birthday by the time I even have my first child, that's assuming I am even pregnant somewhere within this day and a year from now. Then my thought process was, I might not even be pregnant by this time next year, then it will be, if a miracle doesn't happen within 3 months from then it will be another year from then, etc etc. I know we are all in the same boat, but I feel like time is going by way too fast. It seems like as soon as we started ttc the years just started flying by and this month marks year 7, and that absolutely terrifies me. How did 1 year, 2 years, even 3 years become 7? As much as I want to try IVF, because it is obviously time, we are no where near having the financial capability and if we did...I would be terrified of spending upwards of $15,000 plus meds on one shot at something that seems so far away. I just don't know where to go from here.

Thanks again for the replies. They help me to stay positive. This is the closest thing I have to a support group, the only "real" support group in my area is 4 hours away...and believe me, I have thought about making the drive before, just to have someone to talk to who understands. My family as a support system is a joke, this weekend my sister made a joke about my brother getting his gf pregnant and I could adopt the baby (she has previously given a baby up for adoption) and someone else in my family made a joke about hopefully I don't hide in the park and attack a pregnant woman and steal her baby (a tragedy that happened a couple years ago in our area) all I can do is fake laugh. I don't know what else to do.

 

[Mells54]

Molae, I know how hard it can be. We have been trying off and on for 8 years. We have gone through 2 unsuccessful IVF cycles. It is draining emotionally, financially, and physically. We are giving it one more shot. I've felt the same way about how DH would be happier if I just let him go and be with someone that can give him a family. But he sat me down and told me that he married me for me, not contingent on having this many kids, by this time, etc. He has been so supportive, but only after sitting down and talking about it openly. Do you think you and your DH could do something like that? I think we always assume so many things that aren't necessarily the case. My family too can be very insensitive. My mom asked my brothers wife to give me some of her eggs, since she is so fertile (3 kids without trying). You need to step away from them or be forthright and explain that is hurts. Find your support in other people. I have a very good friend that has been with me since the beginning. She is actually coming to see me when I go through this next cycle. Good luck and know that we are all here for you.

 

[popchick75]

Molae,

What kinds of tests have you had done? Did they find any problems with you or DH?

Don't lose hope...we have been 'unexplained' for 10 years and they just now figured out what is wrong.

 

[nolansmom]

Thanks for the replies. I was filled with a lot of rage yesterday but a good friend took me to a movie and we had a long talk it made me feel like there is still hope somewhere in the darkness. My thought process is this, if a miracle doesn't happen within the next 3 months then I am going to hit yet another birthday by the time I even have my first child, that's assuming I am even pregnant somewhere within this day and a year from now. Then my thought process was, I might not even be pregnant by this time next year, then it will be, if a miracle doesn't happen within 3 months from then it will be another year from then, etc etc. I know we are all in the same boat, but I feel like time is going by way too fast. It seems like as soon as we started ttc the years just started flying by and this month marks year 7, and that absolutely terrifies me. How did 1 year, 2 years, even 3 years become 7? As much as I want to try IVF, because it is obviously time, we are no where near having the financial capability and if we did...I would be terrified of spending upwards of $15,000 plus meds on one shot at something that seems so far away. I just don't know where to go from here.

Thanks again for the replies. They help me to stay positive. This is the closest thing I have to a support group, the only "real" support group in my area is 4 hours away...and believe me, I have thought about making the drive before, just to have someone to talk to who understands. My family as a support system is a joke, this weekend my sister made a joke about my brother getting his gf pregnant and I could adopt the baby (she has previously given a baby up for adoption) and someone else in my family made a joke about hopefully I don't hide in the park and attack a pregnant woman and steal her baby (a tragedy that happened a couple years ago in our area) all I can do is fake laugh. I don't know what else to do.

I am not LTTTC or anything near that But you can do more than "fake laugh".. You can say "that is a really hurtful comment that you've just made" or "I don't find those "jokes" funny". If you fake laugh they think it's ok and keep doing it. You deserve a little compassion and it's not being given to you.. Joke or not..

 

[Myshelsong]

Big hugs friend.
I know that this isn't helpful our maybe it is, but if anyone in my family started making hilarious infertility jokes I would punch them in the face and call them fat. That is not cool, and you should let them know you will not be a joke to them.
I am mad for you!

Sorry if that is out of place but having really angry day today and that upset me. families can suck

 

[Molae06]

popchick, thanks for the reply. DH is perfect it's me that's broken. :'( I have PCOS and don't ovulate on my own, I was on Clomid for several cycles and now have moved on to Femara, which isn't working as well. When on the meds I have to have a trigger or I don't go on to ovulate, a few months ago the dr didn't want to give me a trigger because the follies were to small so he basically said to wait until I got my period and come back next month. Well, never got my period so I went in for an ultrasound and I had a golf ball sized cyst that has grown in about a months time span. I had one ovary and fallopian tube removed due to a large cyst when I was 21 so I was very terrified. The cyst broke on it's own without any medical intervention, but I am just getting more and more worried as time goes on. I have had several IUI's and they've all failed.

Baby dust to you. I hope everything works out for each and every one of us.

 

[popchick75]

Have you talked to your doc about taking metaforin along with the clomid for the PCOS? I've seen a lot of women have success with it on these boards.

 

[Dle22]

Hi lovely I just had to respond to your post as although I have only been ttc for 10 months I have wanted a baby for so many years and have been diagnosed with pcos so I know how heartbreaking it is. Also, since ttc my 3 best friends who I have grown up with all got pregnant and are now all on maternity leave together, with 1 still to give birth in 2 weeks. Shall I tell you what has got me through? Acupuncture! I really cannot explain how much it has changed my life! Throughout my teens I was overweight, sweaty, spotty, moody and always felt so depressed and ill, now in my twenties with just having acpuncture for 4 months I feel the best I have EVER felt, I am so much calmer, so balanced in myself and find it easy to be around my friends and talk babies, conception etc. and trust me 6 months ago I would NEVER have thought I would be able to do that.
As you have tried the medical route why not try acupuncture as an alternative therapy? Since having treatments my cycles have gone to 29-30 days which was never heard of for me, my cycles would be anywhere from 35-56 days previously with spotting. Let me know if you have any questions xxx

 

[hopefulfor1st]

Sorry to get off topic, I know you said your not sure about spending so much on ivf, but if it was me I would NEED to know I did everything in my power to get what I wanted, and have no regrets. You don't want to wake up one day and say "I'm sad we didn't have kids but I didn't want to spend 15,000 on ivf"
I guarantee you a child is worth more than that. I would pay that 10x over for my baby. And living life without regret is priceless! My SIL had 6 rounds ($5,000 each in Australia) and they all failed but she says at least she can live with herself everyday knowing she tried everything.
And I don't know what country your in but that price seems pretty high, I think if u looked into it its not that much.

 

[popchick75]

Sorry to get off topic, I know you said your not sure about spending so much on ivf, but if it was me I would NEED to know I did everything in my power to get what I wanted, and have no regrets. You don't want to wake up one day and say "I'm sad we didn't have kids but I didn't want to spend 15,000 on ivf"
I guarantee you a child is worth more than that. I would pay that 10x over for my baby. And living life without regret is priceless! My SIL had 6 rounds ($5,000 each in Australia) and they all failed but she says at least she can live with herself everyday knowing she tried everything.
And I don't know what country your in but that price seems pretty high, I think if u looked into it its not that much.

Unfortunately in the US that is about what it costs. With meds mine was around $17000 for 1 round. The vast majority of insurance companies won't cover anything involved in IVF.

 

[Molae06]

popchick, yes I have been on Metformin for the past 2 years. It might be working in ways that I don't notice but I don't think it has helped much. If and when I have to take a break ttc I still don't get my period until I take Provera to start a new cycle, and even with diet and exercise regularly I still don't drop any weight. I have heard it working miracles for someone people which is awesome, that's why I have continued taking it.

 

[Ashla]

Molae, I teared up reading your posts. It sucks so badly that you are going through this. I know my profile says 'mum' and I feel like a trespasser coming to the LTTTC boards, but in some ways this is still where I feel I belong.

DH and I tried for over four years and went through two m/c before I had conceived my DS. I know what it is to hate pregnant women, to be consumed with charts and temperatures and periods and to constantly feel like your body is broken and to think how wonderful it would be to be like 'normal' women and get a shot at conceiving every 28 days.

Seven years is such a long time to go through that constant stress and heartbreak. I remember the conversations DH and I had about 'what if we never have a baby, then what?' One of the really hard things about ltttc is that there is no guarantees. If only there was a rule book that said "if you go through 'x' amount of pain, if you spend this 'x' amount of money, if you break your heart 'x' amount in trying, then you'll get your baby!"

It is a scary, sad and lonely time you are going through. I wish I could say something to make it better, but I would just end up sound cliched and trite.

Please just know that there are women all over the world who know what it is to long for a baby with all of their being, just as you do. And some of us tear up for you when we read how much you are hurting

 

[flou]

That was such a lovely post ashla. Me and my DH have been ttc since April 2011 for our first. I didn't necessarily think it would be easy but never thought it would be this hard. Its such a lonely process thats why its good to chat with others on forums. You dont feel quite as isolated.

 

[S_Dowd]

I am so sorry. Birthdays suck... so does Mother's Day, Father's Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas and almost any other major holiday or event, and no one else understands. I understand about hating everybody. I hate going to church now because I feel like I'm surrounded by families and babies every time I go, and it's devastating. I am truly sorry and I offer no advice except to try and make your marriage work. Maybe focus on each other more and remember why you got married. Chances are he doesn't know how to help you and it hurts him to see you hurting and withdrawn. You deserve a good marriage! And who knows, maybe rekindling the romance will help to make you happier. I wish you all the best.

 

[Mells54]

S_Dowd, you are so right. My DH didn't know what to do month after month without success. He was struggling with his own emotions, but also didnt want me to be so sad. I think men have an unusual position in all of this and we have to stop and think of them as well.

 

[babydustpower]

I know what you're going through. I've been there. We have been trying to conceive for over a year and a half. After the first year with no success I started blaming myself. I then got DH tested and found out he had a motility and morphology problem.

Step 1: Get your DH tested

Step 2: Change your OBGYN. You mentioned that you've had miscarraige in the past and problem losing weight. Have you had your thyroid tested? I had a chemical pregnancy when I first tried to conceive. My first OBGYN ran labs and said I was normal. She even looked at my ovaries and said I was normal.

She put me on clomid which didn't work.

I got frustrated and changed OB to someone who specialized in fertility. He looked at my labs, checked my ovaries and found out I had PCOS. He looked at my thyroid and told me even though my thyroid is normal, it was not optimal for conceiving. To conceive and to prevent miscarriages in a women with PCOS, he wanted my thyroid level to be under 2.0.

As you can see, I am pregnant and it was natural. We found the problems and fixed it.

Like you, my husband and I argued each month around my ovulation or when I had my period. I remember getting so sick of arguing that I said we needed to sit down and talk.

It will be hard everytime you see babies around you or when you have other relatives or friends getting pregnant. DH had a cousin who would rub it in his face when she got pregnant one after the other.

Open communication is key.

Warm hugs and lots of well wishes sent your way...

 

[Molae06]

babydust,

Yes, my thyroid has been tested, all labs and tests for the past years have come back normal. For some people it isn't as simple as "finding the problem and fixing it". Congrats on your BFP, I wish you and your baby the best.