So sad. Will I ever feel better?

[tcinks]

How are you doing today beankeeper?

 

[Andypanda6570]

This is all pretty fresh for me. On Sunday, at 18w3d I went to the ER due to some spotting and what I thought were regular muscle stretching pains. They quickly did an ultrasound and DH and I were so happy to see our little guy's heartbeat. The monographer then went to the phone and I clearly heard the words cervix and open. The on call doctor explained that my cervix was open. I knew it was way too early for that.
My OB came to the ER and checked me and told us that mycervix was open and she could see the amniotic sac. They immediately inverted me...head down, legs up. Her hope was that the sac would recede back inside and they would put in a cerclage. Apparently I have an incompetent cervix. My husband and I were terrified. This was our second pregnancy. We lost our first at 7w5d. We'd never gotten this far and thought the second trimester was the safety zone.
About 45 minutes later, I had a cramp...what I now know was a contraction, and felt a gush of liquid. I called the nurses and told them I thought my catheter came out. The catheter was fine, but my water had broken.
My doctor explain that there isn't much to be done at 18 weeks after the water has broken. On Monday night I delivered a beautiful baby boy. The nurses were amazing and we got to hold him as much as we wanted and they even made us memory box with his information and hand and footprints.
I do not know how we go on from this. He was perfect and something in me did not allow him to thrive. That is a pain and guilt I will carry forever.
I know this was terribly long. Any advice or words of encouragement are appreciated.

I am so deeply sorry. Nothing you did caused it.. Please don't think like that, cause it could not be farther from the truth..I lost my Ava at 22 weeks, I gave birth in my home. Took me awhile to accept this and be somewhat normal. I was here in your place over 3 years ago and praying that what people were telling me was true, about time. It is true, the pain never ever leaves, but it does get easier.. It is just a devastating thing to go through, it challenges your strength I am always here if you ever need a friend.. I promise the pain will ease, just give it time and be gentle with yourself..XOXOXO

 

[Nanina]

I think you all for your words of support. We were so poking forward to all the memories we would make as a family. I still have moments where I can't believe this happened to us.
Question....how are your partners doing with this loss?

 

[tcinks]

My husband is pretty heartbroken too, but we are both looking forward to the future and being able to try again. He's really busy at work so I think that helps to take his mind off it.

How are you and your partner doing Nanina?

 

[Beankeeper]

My husband is sad, but he doesn't feel it as deeply as I do, as he hadn't had time to properly bond with baby. He's remaining strong and supportive for me and our son, but he does have moments of sadness. It can vary greatly from person to person, there's no right or wrong.
How is your partner feeling/acting?

I've been planning my return to work in early November. My manager has been very supportive and we have put various things in place so that I can take time when I need to, and for that I am grateful.

I'm really struggling with not being pregnant, not having that amazing thing keeping me going & looking forward. My doctor has advised us to stop TTC for a few months. It's only been 2 weeks but already it feels like forever. I'm desperate to have a baby, and a sibling for our son. It's like torture.

 

[Nanina]

My husband is having a very difficult time. This has been such a long road for us to even get here. We deal with our grief in different ways and I worry at times about he'll cope. He goes back to work on Monday and I hope that will be a positive distraction.

 

[tcinks]

Ladies, I'm not having a good day. I thought things were getting better, but the past couple of days I've been physically ans emotionally drained. I'd hope the bleeding would have stopped by now, its been 10 days, the doctor said 7-10. I know every woman and situation is different, I'd just really hoped I'd recover quicker. I'm sore and tired and have a low fever. My midwife isn't concerned , she says it's just my body cleansing itself. I just want it to be over.

I really need some encouragement.

 

[Beankeeper]

Ladies, I'm not having a good day. I thought things were getting better, but the past couple of days I've been physically ans emotionally drained. I'd hope the bleeding would have stopped by now, its been 10 days, the doctor said 7-10. I know every woman and situation is different, I'd just really hoped I'd recover quicker. I'm sore and tired and have a low fever. My midwife isn't concerned , she says it's just my body cleansing itself. I just want it to be over.

I really need some encouragement.

Hi tcinks, so sorry I didn't reply sooner. I thought I had but I've been away & had very questionable wifi.

How are you doing now? I bled for 6 days & then spotted for a further 5/6. It can be common for women to bleed for much longer though, even 3/4 weeks, but if you have continued symptoms I'd get checked out as there is a small chance of infection.

Emotionally it's difficult to advise. I've been doing okay when I'm distracted, but when I think about it or when I'm alone, I just crumble. Sometimes I still can't believe it really happened, it's so unfair and sad.
I don't know what you've been doing, but I'm trying to get back to 'normality', but it is EXHAUSTING to pretend that you are okay & put on a face all the time, but then it's exhausting to face my grief too 😔

So sorry, this should never have happened to any of us xxx

 

[tcinks]

Thanks so much for your kind words, beankeeper! These past few days have been an emotional roller coaster, but I'm getting better. Today has actually been a pretty great day for me. Bleeding is finally slowing down, I have an appointment with a new obgyn in the morning, and I finally made myself get some things done around the house. I'm starting to feel like myself again, I just hope it keeps up! I'm not working right now because my days have been so hard to predict. I might try to find a temp job soon. I don't want to go back to my old one, and I don't want to start a new long-term one because I'm *really* hoping to get pregnant again soon. I'm so tempted to start BD again even with the spotting, but I'm holding out until I talk with the doctor.

Anyway, how are you doing?

 

[Beankeeper]

I'm doing okay, better than I thought I'd be. We've been down at a family wedding for the last few days, which was nice, but exhausting, so I've been having a bit of a cry since getting home.

Physically I feel fine though. I'm really tempted to start TTC sooner rather than later, but I was advised to wait as I've had 4 early MCs. But I don't want to miss this fertile period as we've been through low fertility when we were TTC my son for 29 months. I just wish this hadn't have happened. I find it hard to accept. Xx

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am happy to read you both are doing a bit better.. It's an emotional roller-coaster.. Stay focused on yourselves and getting physically better.. I wish you all the best..I am so deeply sorry for your losses XOooXO