So sad. Will I ever feel better?

[Beankeeper]

I lost my baby on Tuesday at 14+2, my waters broke unexpectedly & that was it. The baby couldn't survive.

I feel so broken and confused. I'm angry & so so sad, I just can't process any of it.

One of the doctors thought my cervix wasn't strong enough to support the weight of the pregnancy, which is maybe why my waters went. The placenta was retained so I had to have a D&C, which resulted in me loosing quite a bit of blood.

I don't ever want to see anyone. My mum is coming round this afternoon, but I don't really want to see her either. It's hard enough having my husband and my son here.

Please tell me it gets easier xx

 

[Andypanda6570]

I AM so deeply sorry for your loss

It is such a hard and devastating thing to go through..

It does get better, I promise, but it takes time and everyone is different. It took me a good 2 yrs. to be ok again. I still cry for my Ava and I always will, but the pain has lessened, thank God..

I got pregnant by accident at 40, finally after 3 boys , I got my little girl It just wasn't meant to be, I gave birth to her at 22 weeks.. I really thought my life was over, but in time I was able to live again and for me it was the best feeling ever.
I know our babies don't want us crying and depressed, but it takes time and we all reach that point at different times..
If you ever need a friend I am always here it will be ok...XOooXO Andrea

 

[Beankeeper]

Thank you, that's comforting to hear xx

 

[wildflower79]

Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. It's such a heartbreaking time to have to go though and feeling a whirlwind of different emotions is normal. Its been a few weeks now since I lost my daughter and I remember the first week was so incredibly hard. I can say things have got easier now. Although I have times where the sadness suddenly hits me, most days I feel like I can manage ok and even enjoy things again.

Just take care and be patient with yourself, you will get through this

 

[Mellybelle]

I'm so sorry. I lost my little boy at 15 weeks and my liitle girl at 14 weeks a year later. I dont even remember the days and weeks afterward. It does get easier, I promise. But for now, allow yourself to grieve.

 

[nessaw]

Hi I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost twins at 14+5 in Feb. It does get easier. It took me a month to go back to work. I didn't really speak to anyone other than my oh and parents for a couple of weeks. We went away for a few days which helped. I hate to say that a couple of months after I had a pretty dreadful month then back on track again. Unfortunately I've just had a mmc so am trying to get back on my feet again. Sending you lots of hugs in this difficult time. X

 

[Beankeeper]

Thank you for responding. It's a long road I'm sorry that you have all had to walk it too xx

 

[babesx3]

so so sorry for your loss, i lost my son at 18+1... i remember that feeling of not wanting to see anyone... Not wanting to put a brave face on it, so hard when you have other children to keep up appearances for , when all you want o do is close your eyes and hope when you open them it was all a horrible nightmare...
Big hugs!!
It does get easier, but give yourself time, its been 4 yrs ago for me and i still have days when i just feel sad xxxx

 

[Beankeeper]

Yesterday was a bad day. I didn't get dressed, I only got out of bed a few times & I cried more than I ever thought possible. This is the worst pain I've ever felt. I feel like I'm suffocating & I can't sleep, or do anything.

I know it will get better, but right now it just feels like that's such a long way off. Thank you to those who replied. It helps to know I'm not alone xx

 

[Andypanda6570]

Yesterday was a bad day. I didn't get dressed, I only got out of bed a few times & I cried more than I ever thought possible. This is the worst pain I've ever felt. I feel like I'm suffocating & I can't sleep, or do anything.

I know it will get better, but right now it just feels like that's such a long way off. Thank you to those who replied. It helps to know I'm not alone xx

Believe me I know exactly what your feeling, it's so horrible. I cried so much one eye shut closed... I never thought it was possible to cry that hard or for that long I remember those days well.. I kept saying when will this stop, its a feeling of a broken heart and you cant explain it to someone who doesn't know.. I promise you with all my heart it will ease, just know that. I know it's hard to believe that, but it will.. In the meantime don't fight any emotion, let it come out as it will, those days will ease .XOooXO

 

[babesx3]

Aww big hugs beankeeper, how you feel is completely normal, you need time to grieve, just take each day as it comes xxx

 

[Mellybelle]

Just remember that you are certainly not alone. The ladies i met on BnB were truly my saviours.

 

[tcinks]

I lost my baby two days ago, October 15 at what I calculated as 13 weeks, but the doctors said 14+2. Also because of weak cervix, baby was perfectly healthy and I had no problems before this. It was such a shock, I'm still in shock. I do hope you are able to start your healing process, and perhaps we can help support each other.

 

[Beankeeper]

I lost my baby two days ago, October 15 at what I calculated as 13 weeks, but the doctors said 14+2. Also because of weak cervix, baby was perfectly healthy and I had no problems before this. It was such a shock, I'm still in shock. I do hope you are able to start your healing process, and perhaps we can help support each other.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's devastating losing a baby. Sending you gentle hugs

Are you out of hospital now? My best advice is to take each day as it comes. When you feel strong enough then plan to do things, like taking a walk, or meeting a friend, but don't beat yourself up if you can't manage it. I'm finding the days I have something planned give me something to aim for, even if I don't manage it, while the days I have no plans, I just want to stay in bed. But also remember that everyone grieves differently, so what's right for one may not be right for you.

Do you have good support at home? Xxx

 

[Beankeeper]

Just to add, it's been 11 days since it happened, and although I'm definitely not 'okay', it does get easier, little by little xxx

 

[tcinks]

That's good that it gets easier. I'm getting a little better each day. My husband and I have great family and friends that support us. It's been a great comfort.

I try to get out of the house when I can, especially if my husband has to work. Being there alone brings too much sadness. But I also am not ready to see everyone and explain what happened. I usually go out to a public place where I can be around people but not have to talk about it.

Do you have children already? Is it hard to take care of them while going through this tough time?

 

[Beankeeper]

Glad your husband and family are there for you xx

I have a nearly 2 year old boy, he's a lovely little guy and has been gentle with me. It's probably easier to get out of bed with him in my life, because I don't want him to see me crying all the time & not functioning. My husband goes back to work tomorrow so I'm dreading that. Just going to have to keep busy I guess.

A lot of what we've been through seems quite surreal: attending the cremation, collecting his ashes, laying flowers. This shouldn't happen xx

Thinking of you xx

 

[Nanina]

This is all pretty fresh for me. On Sunday, at 18w3d I went to the ER due to some spotting and what I thought were regular muscle stretching pains. They quickly did an ultrasound and DH and I were so happy to see our little guy's heartbeat. The monographer then went to the phone and I clearly heard the words cervix and open. The on call doctor explained that my cervix was open. I knew it was way too early for that.
My OB came to the ER and checked me and told us that mycervix was open and she could see the amniotic sac. They immediately inverted me...head down, legs up. Her hope was that the sac would recede back inside and they would put in a cerclage. Apparently I have an incompetent cervix. My husband and I were terrified. This was our second pregnancy. We lost our first at 7w5d. We'd never gotten this far and thought the second trimester was the safety zone.
About 45 minutes later, I had a cramp...what I now know was a contraction, and felt a gush of liquid. I called the nurses and told them I thought my catheter came out. The catheter was fine, but my water had broken.
My doctor explain that there isn't much to be done at 18 weeks after the water has broken. On Monday night I delivered a beautiful baby boy. The nurses were amazing and we got to hold him as much as we wanted and they even made us memory box with his information and hand and footprints.
I do not know how we go on from this. He was perfect and something in me did not allow him to thrive. That is a pain and guilt I will carry forever.
I know this was terribly long. Any advice or words of encouragement are appreciated.

 

[tcinks]

Oh Nanina, I'm so sorry! This was exactly what happened to me, except I was at 14 weeks. It's so devastating. I know there's nothing anyone can say that will really help you heal. But trust me, it will get better day by day. I'm so glad to hear that the nurses were so caring, mine were too. They helped us make precious memories with our little boy.

Do not beat yourself up over this, please! There was nothing you could do, no way to really know you have an incompetent cervix until something like this happens. You had no control over, it just sadly happens sometimes. I hope you decide to try again when you feel ready. And now you know so you can take precautions.

Again,I'm so so sorry. Please talk to me anytime. Even if it's just to vent.

 

[Beankeeper]

Hugest hugs to you Nanina
I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your baby boy. I know that feelings will be so raw right now, and part of the grieving process will often cause us to blame ourselves, but please know that there is nothing that you could have done to prevent this. There's not a day that goes past that I don't wish things were different, and I wish I'd had them check my cervix the previous week. But what ifs won't bring our babies back, and there's no way you could have known.
Please feel free to talk to us here, we are here to support each other.
Xxx