Some thoughts on formula-feeding and pride/shame

[Lady_Bee]

The thread about blinkies in the BF section prompted some thoughts... and I wanted an appropriate space to ramble that isn't a breastfeeding thread.

I know there are some ladies here who have formula feeding blinkies.

While I do not personally have or want a blinkie for formula feeding, and while it is not something I feel any direct pride in (because it is not physically difficult thing to achieve in the same way breastfeeding can be), I can say that I truly do feel pride in my decision firstly to supplement, and then later to switch fully to formula.

Why I am proud? Because it was the best thing for my baby. Simple. I feel pride in that for the same reason I would feel pride in any good parenting decision I made.

While the blinkies are not for me, I think it is great that some ladies do use formula feeding blinkies because we shouldn't be ashamed of using formula.
I think it is important that the negative messages that fly around about formula feeding are not perpetuated, because the negativity just makes it all that much harder for women with insurmountable problems to make the right choice for their babies (which really can be formula no matter what some people say!) without becoming sick with guilt and shame. PPD is no joke...

I don't think it's weird that people are proud of FF and want to display that pride. I don't think it's defensive either most of the time. (Though I think it can be... and I understand that, too. )

I know for me, personally, trying to breastfeed with a low milk supply was the first obstacle in my life I really and truly could not overcome even when I poured my heart and soul into it. So, while I'm not quite "proud" that I can fill a bottle with water from the kettle and dump some powder in and present it to my child, I DO feel proud that I swallowed my hopes and my dreams and my fierce stubbornness because I knew in my heart that all my desperate, frantic efforts to provide breastmilk were only hurting me, my baby, my husband and everyone close to me.

We all have our own reasons for doing this. Don't ever forget that one size doesn't fit all. All parents have to make tough decisions and shame has no place in any of them. Own your decisions girls.

I know that was long and rambly but I'd love to hear from others who are proud of their choice to use formula, and if you use blinkies it would be awesome if you could share your reasons!

 

[socitycourty]

I have much the same feelings as you. I was dead set on a natural birth, extended bf'ing, the whole thing. We ended up stopping BF at 2 months. It wasn't completely my choice (in that I did it for a personal reason) but for my daughter's comfort so it was a hard decision to make even though I knew it was best for her......

My labor was horribly long and my DD was not in position so I ended up with the c section. First thing I felt I did "wrong". Then due to the trauma and exhaustion from labor/surgery my milk did not come in for 6 days. She had severe jaundice and lost a lot of weight. Had formula in the NICU. As well as phototherapy. Another area where I felt like I "failed"

BF was ok once we got home and I had a supply. After a week in the hospital I felt like a zombie and also the emotional effects of the surgery I felt like a completely different person.

She screamed constantly when she wasn't at the breast. When she was she was either nursing, puking or screaming at my boob. I kept her on "on demand", she would sometimes nurse every 40 minutes and then puke, scream, and nurse again.

She never slept and I could never set her down. One night she rolled to my side when I dozed off in the recliner. I was horrified thinking that she was dead.

I kept taking her to the dr because I could not figure out for the life of me what was wrong with her. She said colic, gas, allergy, etc. I tried an elimination diet and almost collapsed because I had already been not eating due to constantly feeding, settling and cleaning up puke.

The pediatrician finally (after the 5th time I was in her office in 2 weeks) gently told me to try a 24 hour formula test.

Gave her some hypoallergenic formula. She was like a different baby after that. She slept, smiled, and just seemed generally calmer (and did not spray puke everywhere when she was done eating)

I slowly dried up over a week or so, I kept giving her a tiny bit of BM each day since I was painfully engorged and I was obsessed with her having the immunities and what nots but then when I did dry up I was completely struck with guilt and regret even though she was happier.

I've been struggling with it the entire time, I hate to feed her in public, I try not to mix because I feel ashamed, and when she had a minor cold at 3 months I was sure it WAS ALL MY FAULT since she wasn't BF.

I'm really trying to get over it but it's hard. Hardcore BF people and lactivists don't help. Every time I try to tell someone what happened they tell me some other thing I could have tried.

I'm definitely trying to own my choice but it can be a struggle sometimes

 

[dizz]

The one thing that really gets me with the blinkies, considering how one of the things hurled at us is "oh you're feeding your child the milk from another species"... is that they're the ones using cows! That incongruity always bemuses me somewhat.

I don't - I see no reason to have some mini-mission statement as a signature in general, and I see no need to trumpet for validation to the world about what we're doing with our daughter - I used to have a ticker on there, purely because I find that when I'm looking at posts I do tend to check tickers to see the age of the baby it's concerning (and because I kept forgetting her adjusted age and being too lazy to work it out)... but I see no need to have whether we're co-sleeping, however we're feeding, indeed if I've decided to feed her while painting myself purple and wearing blue underwear trumpeted for the world to judge.

Edited and added - It's no longer a matter of pride or shame... I have no need to feel anything BUT pride - what we've done speaks for ourselves in our parenting - we turned an officially classified as low birth weight preemie around into a child that's caught up completely with her peers and is starting to hit developmental milestones on a par with her actual age... we didn't get to do that by the route we'd originally planned - but why the hell would I feel anything BUT pride that we figured out a way to get there?! I don't need a ticker or a blinkie to remind me of that - the reminder is giggling in its cot whirling its bunny around by the ears.

And yes I've had more than my fair share of crap for it... from people assuming all that lies in a bottle is formula back when I was pumping, to one particular charmer deciding to give me a gobful of it in a cafe when I was feeding, to being hounded out of one mum group by a pregnant woman who took umbrage at me being a formula feeder (and subsequently she lasted three days breastfeeding before giving it up)... I've had people expect me to justify what I was doing - yes, I seem to have what is deemed an "acceptable" story for them but it's none of their business... and now I've got some of my old vroom back I'm much more inclined to tell 'em where to go. I'd actually love to see some proper research into the impact that breastfeeding pressure and the behaviour of the particularly militant group of activists has upon rates of PND. If someone wants some validation of themselves as an awesome mother - go get that for yourself instead of achieving that via running someone else down - which is what seems to happen far far too much.

 

[Liesje]

I don't think women should necessarily be "proud" to feed formula because I don't feel that there is anything to be "proud" about one way or the other how someone feeds their baby, but they should be "confident".
I combi feed so also feed formula but sad to say that I'm pretty ashamed to do it in public or in front of other moms because of how much superior they seem to behave.
Even if I exclusively breastfed, I wouldn't use one of those cow blinkies because I know what a sensitive issue it is to some women. I don't believe in being o early PC but I know how sensitive people are about that particular subject.

 

[Lady_Bee]

indeed if I've decided to feed her while painting myself purple and wearing blue underwear trumpeted for the world to judge.

That cracked me up

Socitycourty I've seen your story before, it is sad that you feel as though you failed I'm sure your daughter wouldn't see it that way. It sounds like your daughter really is better off on the hypoallergenic formula so you absolutely did the right thing for her. You're nothing less than a great mummy looking out for her wellbeing.

As for her getting a cold... I don't remember where I read it so can't really check up on it now but I saw an article a month or so ago that said basically that our babies get immunities passed to them in utero, and the antibodies in breast milk are actually to protect against gastrointestinal illness specifically, and not more generalised immunities. So if that is true (again I wish I could remember where I saw it!) then your daughter would've got that cold regardless!

My LO got a terrible cold while I was still breastfeeding. I don't think the breast milk helped at all to be honest.

 

[Lady_Bee]

I don't think women should necessarily be "proud" to feed formula because I don't feel that there is anything to be "proud" about one way or the other how someone feeds their baby, but they should be "confident".
I combi feed so also feed formula but sad to say that I'm pretty ashamed to do it in public or in front of other moms because of how much superior they seem to behave.
Even if I exclusively breastfed, I wouldn't use one of those cow blinkies because I know what a sensitive issue it is to some women. I don't believe in being o early PC but I know how sensitive people are about that particular subject.

I disagree that women shouldn't be proud. I think women have every right to be proud of a decision they made that was hard to make and benefited their child. This was why I made the post, to explain my thoughts on it and why being "proud" of formula isn't necessarily about the formula itself. It encompasses so much more. I appreciate your input though!

 

[dizz]

I don't think women should necessarily be "proud" to feed formula because I don't feel that there is anything to be "proud" about one way or the other how someone feeds their baby, but they should be "confident".
I combi feed so also feed formula but sad to say that I'm pretty ashamed to do it in public or in front of other moms because of how much superior they seem to behave.
Even if I exclusively breastfed, I wouldn't use one of those cow blinkies because I know what a sensitive issue it is to some women. I don't believe in being o early PC but I know how sensitive people are about that particular subject.

I'm proud to feed my daughter and meet her needs. I may do that via a less socially acceptable method - but why should I feel any other emotion?

 

[Liesje]

I just don't see how it's possible for someone to be proud of what they feed their baby, whether it's breastmilk or formula, isn't that what everyone just does?

 

[Lady_Bee]

I just don't see how it's possible for someone to be proud of what they feed their baby, whether it's breast milk or formula, isn't that what everyone just does?

See, I really think you're missing the point. It isn't being proud of what you feed your baby. I'm not proud of the formula powder in the bottle, I'm proud of ME and how I came through for my baby and made his life better by ending my breastfeeding efforts. Even though at the time it seemed like the end of the world. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. It's being proud of making the right choice. The same kind of pride you would feel when making other tricky parenting choices that help your kid.

 

[honey08]

im just proud for the weight my baby puts on wether it be ff or bf i made my own choice and arent bothered wotever anyone eles thinks

 

[vintage67]

I am not proud that a little over 8 years ago I let women on a website that I have never met and wouldn't know if they were at my front door, put me in a state of mind to think trying to find a lactating woman to hand my baby to and then drive my car into the river was a sound, rational decision.
Thank goodness when I came home and told my husband what I had decided he slapped some sense in me. (literally and figuratively)

I complety understanad socity about telling your story only to get a "suggestion." I recently told another mother at my 8 year old's school about what happened with baby #2 back in November (11 day hospitalization with a uterine staph infection 1 week post partum) and she still asked about breastfeeding. When I said he was formula fed she said, "A cow's milk formula?" and started spouting about some organic goat milk formula if a woman just had to use formula, dripping with condescension.

Two weeks ago, I got up and left my 10 1/2 month old's baby music class because a woman started breastfeeding. That was okay, but then her and a woman next to her proceeded to sing the virtues of breastfeeding. That was okay too, I guess, but then, of course it moved to attacking formula feeding mothers and since I hadn't joined their celebratory conversation about the joys of breastfeeding and was already getting the stink eye from them, I just got up and left.

I joined a local facebook playgroup a couple months ago, not knowing it was only for baby wearers. I asked the head of the group if I could still come even though I use a stroller due to a bad back and lingering SPD issues from the pregnancy. She recommended a more "mainstream" mother's group after asking me if I was breastfeeding. I suppose a breastfeeding mom with a stroller may have been good enough to push a baby swing or sit on a bench near them in the park but a stroller and bottle were just over the top!!!

Staying off the internet for periods of time works wonders. However, the internet has made me very hesitant to want to be around certain groups of people in real life, as I feel I now know how they really feel and that's very sad.

As far as blinkes go, just not a blinkie kind of gal, could be my age.
That's why I just put an all purpose "mission statement" as my signature.

 

[Liesje]

I think I am missing the point? To me in order to be proud of something, it has to be something that can be better than something/someone else in a measurable way.

 

[Eala]

Making the right decision for yourself, your baby and your family is better than not doing so. Considering this decision is often made in the face of an insane amount of pressure (either from yourself or from external sources), if you continue and do it anyway, then yes, that is something to be proud of.

I'm proud that I saw my attempts to relactate were helping no-one. Not me, not my child, not my husband. I'm proud that I was able to take it when my husband gently told me to call time on it, because it was adversely affecting my mental health. I am proud that I realised that having a mother who was present, physically and emotionally, for her baby was more important than giving her breastmilk. And I am also proud that with the aid of some therapy, and a lot of luck, I am breastfeeding my second child. Because I stopped with my first due to flashbacks from childhood sexual abuse. I'm proud of myself for seeing that I couldn't possibly continue with my first, and I'm proud that with my second I have reclaimed that part of my body for myself.

So yes, I think you're missing the point. And that's ok, as for you, it's obviously not a big deal. But for some of us, it really is. So perhaps just let us have this pride, without trying to tell us that we're wrong for feeling it.

 

[vintage67]

I think "pride" becomes something else entirely when it moves from being proud of your own accomplishments and heads into belittling others; like being proud that you had a natural birth. Okay. But don't say everyone that had an epidural or a c-section just wasn't the woman you are. Being proud to have maintained a successful breastfeeding relationship for your goal time.
Okay. But don't say others weren't as "determined" or devoted to their baby.

We all have our own struggles whether they are medical, financial, emotional, etc. It isn't a competition and we can't know another person's struggles or pain.

"Pride" in and of itself is a touchy emotion. It can edge into gloating, boasting, racism, classism, elitsim, and all sorts of negative connotations.
It's not my favorite word. I don't think people should be afraid to feel proud; you just have to ask yourself what the root of it is. Is it for your own self esteem? Is it to put your foot on the throat of another? Are you cheerleading or boasting? Or both? It can be hard to know how to take that word when it gets tossed around.

 

[dizz]

The ONLY way the harassment and abuse of formula feeders is ever going to stop is if those who ARE strong enough to stick their head above the parapet and speak out (and god knows it takes time) DO take pride in what they're doing - the best for their child, their circumstances, their body, their medical history, their child's physiology, their particular set of individual circumstances... in the case of the people on here - that particular best happened to come in a bottle and not a boob.

We need to stop feeling like we have to justify ourselves (and god-knows it's an easy trap to fall into), stop feeling like we HAVE to share our story and our reasons unless we choose to - it achieves nothing, the most you'll get is an "oh but I didn't mean YOOOOU" and a resumption of the anti-FF spiel anyway. We need to basically have the balls to stand up and say - "yes, I feed my child this way, it was the best decision for our set of circumstances - you want acceptance and freedom for how YOU choose to feed your child? Then accept that all we want is that same freedom - less in fact, we just bloody want to be able to get on with feeding our kids without being hassled or made to feel like crap - in return."

 

[socitycourty]

FWIW my mom never BF either of us by choice and she never thought twice about it. She said no one even questioned it at all.

 

[dizz]

Seeing if something shows up.

Edit - it did... now let's see how long before this causes offence to someone or other mentioning the great elephant in the room in a context other than shame.

 

[vintage67]

The problem is when you demonize one thing to promote another, you leave someone nowhere to turn when "plan A" goes awry for whatever reason.

You can't tell someone their baby will be an obese, mental dullard, encrusted with eczema if they don't breastfeed, and then when there's an "acceptable excuse" as dizz and socity alluded to, then say, "oh well, in YOUR case, go ahead. It just doesn't work that way. This is all so much harder with the first baby.

Eala can attest to that; she is very fortunate to have had a much more successful experience with BF this time. I don't want to speak for her, but I have a feeling if things had not gone well a second time, it wouldn't have been as devastating.
It was hurtful for me this second time, but I didn't think about "rehoming" my baby or killing myself, so that was a huge improvement. And, I have my healthy, robust smart 8 year old as a "shining" example of my "failure" as a mother!

 

[socitycourty]

^This

I hate reading these FF "studies" where they say that FF people are obese, sickly, dumb, whatever. I have a great bond with my mom and I'm not obese, dumb or anything of that like. I don't get sick very often, I was reading at 12th grade level in 4th grade, I only had a weight problem after pregnancy (which was all my fault from eating bad and my OB restricting me from exercise) so it's just simply not true. And then if I say that to a lactivist type they say, well that's just one story. well, it's not. Every kid in my family who is around my age was FF. And WE ARE ALL FINE. So therefore it cannot be the big deal that people say it is.

 

[socitycourty]

And I resent this lactivism/natural parenting whatever you call it B.S. for ruining my early time with my LO and multiplying my PPD to very dark depths